Once upon a time there was a man who lost his cell phone. The man decided to go back and look for it in his car. But discovered that someone had also stolen his pink Cadillac. Inside that pink Cadillac, there was something he wanted no one to see. In the glove compartment he was hiding an overdue library book from 1993! That he kept because he had a severe crush on the librarian who stamped it. He could not stand the pain of that crush, commited suicide and this is how his story ended.
Then he woke up and discovered it was all a dream and he hadn't really committed suicide, and decided it was time to get over his silly crush and find himself a real girlfriend. Suddenly, he heard his cell phone ringing! It was Debra from the antique store he liked to frequent, her name was blinking on his call display, willing him to answer. But as he raised his cell phone up to his ear, it vanished! He realized that he was just hearing and seeing things, because his cell phone had gotten lost earlier that day. But like a missing limb that still itches, he kept hearing that damn cell phone ringing, although he wasn't sure if this was one of his usual hallucinations or the effects of the insane amount of drugs and alcohol he'd ingested at lunch.
He clawed at his head and started pulling at his hair, certain that his cell phone was buried deep inside his skull. And then he woke up and realised that he had accidentally woken in a bad dream the last time and this was, in fact, the real world, at least, he thought it might be, and decided to look in the mirror to check. What he saw in the mirror made him laugh hysterically. Four of his front teeth was missing! Which was strange; there should have been six missing, and he once again realised he had failed to wake up and was in yet another dream; he just hoped this one would be better than the last and he wouldn't find a cell phone buried in his head.
But all of a sudden he heard something ringing in his head. He realized it was his alarm clock, it had been a very long night with way too many bad dreams. He reached under the pillow, bought out a large lump hammer and smashed the alarm clock into a million pieces, thinking to himself, "that alarm clock will never bother me again." He breathed a sigh of relief, adjusting his pillow so he could sleep. But out of the blue, something was ringing...again! It seemed the sound came from under the bed! He quickly realized that it was the 3 AM phone call intended for Hillary Clinton.
"Don't tell me this is another bad dream!" he muttered to himself in exasperation as he checked under his bed. He picked up the phone very gingerly. "Hello?" He couldn't believe his ears when he heard this response: "Hi, This is Barack." He never dreamed he'd hear from Barack again after what he did last summer. A few moments into the conversation, his eyes darted towards the closet, where he kept a small cardboard box filled with momentos from last Summer. "Damn you, Barack! Why are you doing this to me?!" he screamed into the phone when he could take it no more.
He had pretended to be the cleaning lady so he could get into Barack's hotel room and steal his toast, with the intention of selling it on ebay. Instead he found a real "gold mine" lying right out in plain sight. There on the table lay Barack's four front teeth... made of pure 24-karat gold. And he wondered if Hilary still had the other two; the good ones, the most important ones, the ones that would solve the world's problems.
Meantime he'd sell those gold teeth, get himself a new alarm clock and check in for a CT scan and see if they couldn't locate where that damn ringing in his head was still coming from. If not, he'd buy a one-way ticket to Coney Island to fulfill his dream of becoming a fire-eater at the freak show. But then he decided his plan of finding a girlfriend was the best one; it had been a while and he was getting a little antsy - on the other hand, perhaps he could kill two birds with one stone; there were any number of interesting women in the freak show. So he went to try and sell the four gold teeth to a man he heard had six front teeth missing so he could buy his ticket to Coney Island, but who should that man be but Barack himself!
Barrack had nothing- it was all going on the campaign trail. He suggested if Hillary couldn't help they should head over to Coney anyway disguised as peanuts. Unknown to the man who lost his cell phone, Barrack was plotting to take revenge on him for stealing his four front teeth made of pure 24-karat gold from his hotel room. (The man who lost his cell phone didn't even know it was Barrack's teeth he had stolen.)
Being sneaky, disguised as a peanut himself, Barrack had formulated a plan that involved turning this unsuspecting “peanut” into creamy peanut butter; something he could really sink his missing teeth into. But then he bit into the soggy peanut butter sandwich and discovered something he had thought lost forever.
No, but this was impossible! How could this be he thought? It was really there, among the soggy stale slices of bread, mixed with the creamy peanut butter and sweet grape jelly, he found it. His lovely, mushy, still-ringing cellphone!
Ecstatic about having found his long-lost cellphone (which had gotten him into this mess in the first place) - the man who lost his cellphone and found it again didn't see Barrack's creamy peanut-buttered fist coming towards his face. In a Matrix-like maneuver he leaned back; the creamy peanut butter flying from Barrack's fist like candy from a piñata. But the man who lost his cell phone and found it again had had one too many alcoholic drinks and drugs that day - he miscalculated his Matrix-like maneuver, and Barrack's creamy peanut-buttered fist came crashing into his face, knocking out 6 of his front teeth and leaving a nutty trail of evidence. Evidently his dreams had become a reality. Or is this another nightmare?
He groaned in pain as he lay on the floor bleeding. Mentally shattered from the farcical events of the day he slowly wiped the peanut butter off his face, hungrily licked his fingers- he would have eaten the jar too could he find it- and collected his scattered teeth. He replaced the lost teeth, feeling the transformation begin; slowly he began the metamorphosis, the power growing, the sense of destiny-about-to-be-fulfilled becoming stronger by the moment; he turned, caught his reflection in a shop window and had become, once again, the avenging angel, the savior of the masses, he had become.....
...Optimus Prime - robot in disguise.
And the robot in disguise suddenly sent out a shout of glee. And out from nowhere, his pink Cadillac magically appeared. Lady Penelope pulled up wearing matching hat and gloves and a mystified look on her face. It was her, the girl of his dreams, Penelope; she had been transformed into the pink cadillac such a fitting transformation for a beautiful delicate transformer. And with her delicate voice she said: You are leaking coolant. Want to buy my "Transformer Self Repair" eBook?
Offended at the thought of yet another ebook copied from a bunch of other ebooks and written by some one who does not really understand the subject, Optimus Prime crushed the pink Cadillac with one blow, laughed his toothless laugh and flew off in search of a real girlfriend; he really hated spammers.
And then from his lofty view he spotted her, his one true love, the anti-spam in can transformer, she was so beautiful with her glistening ring pull and kick-ass attitude, he just had to meet her metal to metal. He flew from the loft toward her, his heart pounding so hard he could hardly breathe. What would he say to her? How would she react? Gently he settled on the dirty, cracked sidewalk beside her and, with great hope, extended his metal claw filled with crackers toward his one true love, Anti-spam-in-a-can.
Anti-spam-in-a-can looked at him in disgust; she calmly walked towards him, and without warning, slapped him hard with the back of her hand, "Why didn't you call after that wonderful night we had together !?, Lose your cell phone? " she screamed at the top of her voice, causing buildings to shake as far as 2 miles away.
"...but, but, but..."', he began, "I have been having these dreams, that I didn't know whether they were real or not....and, and,.... all I could think of was you, and, and,...I am so glad to have found you, sweetheart, please don't be mad at me...
Anti-spam-in-the-can was not so easily mollified; she had heard it all before, but then just as she was about to walk away, she heard it too; a faint ringing, like a cell phone buried in some one's head would make. She reached into her metal interior causing sparks to fly. Fortunately the peanut butter dampened any budding flames. Aha !! there is that peanut butter again...where have I seen/tasted that before? What does this mean?
But it wasn’t peanut butter. It was chocolate mixed with gooey mud. Optimus Prime knew only one person who could melt girls' hearts into chocolatey mud: notorious ladies man He-Man, Master of the Universe.
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