I'd like feedback on my article: Illuminati: A Secret Society

1. 79

   KhurramShehzad321posted 4 years ago

   Hi Hubbers,
   
   I'd like some help with passing the Quality Assessment Process. Will you please give feedback on my article? What can I do to improve? Thanks!
   Here is my article: Illuminati: A Secret Society (must be signed in to view)

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   1. 95

      theraggededgeposted 4 years agoin reply to this

      Hi there,
      
      There are some odd phrases in your article, making it hard to read. For example, "Skull and Bones and some musical albums set a trend for the general population to think in this regard hauntingly." That sentence is grammatically incorrect and brings two completely unrelated things together. What music albums have influenced the 'general public' in regards to believing in secret societies? Does the 'general public' know what Skull and Bones is?
      
      Using long words and convoluted sentences do not equate to good writing. In fact the opposite is true. Here's another example which is impossible to decipher,
      
      "This fraternity group comprised freethinkers, as a branch of the Enlightenment Adam Weishaupt was indeed a Jew, turned into a catholic pastor and finished made another secret order of Illuminati which was not in reality new: "Let it never appear in any place in its name, anyway continually verified by another name and another occupation." (Robison, 2001, p. 195)."
      
      Use paragraphs - one point to one paragraph. As soon as you are moving to another point, start a new paragraph.
      
      You should take a good look at it again and pretend that you are writing it for an intelligent 16 year old. Read the text aloud, paragraph by paragraph, to someone else and ask them to tell you what they understand about it. If they can't, then rewrite it until your point is clear.
      
      Good luck.

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2. 79

   KhurramShehzad321posted 4 years ago

   Thanks mam for your kind response!
   The article really does lack cohesion and coherence.

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3. 94

   Rupert Taylorposted 4 years ago

   In addition to the very poor grammar, your article perpetuates the myth that the Illuminati is a secret society bent on world domination. No such organization exists, except in the minds of the most deluded conspiracy theorists. It's connected to the totally wacky belief that the Queen, Pope, Obama, and others are lizard people who have the power to shape shift.
   
   My view is that this is an example of anti-semitism that does not belong on this platform.

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4. 79

   KhurramShehzad321posted 4 years ago

   Thanks Taylor for your kind reply. I must keep these facts in view while writing the next articles.

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