Is it a requirement of marriage to play the game they create?

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   H.C Porterposted 15 years ago

   I am asking this for input purposes, after noticing a trend in many of my female friend’s complaints and concerns over their relationships. I just want to make sure that I am not alone with what I think a relationship-should or should not consist of.
   -Is it ever okay to snoop into your spouse’s personal space, such as email-phone-face book-journals?
   -When a relationship starts to go south, after one part of the partnership starts living their own agenda, while the other begs for understanding, companionship and support, only to give up after 18 months, is it reasonable for the partner that lived their own agenda to then start making demands of the other who has since emotionally detached from the relationship, and expect immediate results?
   -Is it okay to settle on the relationship and begin a new start together-but when things are not the way that one person wishes it to be-for them to once again start back into searching for things that have since been discussed and settled-in order to get what they want from the other person?
   -Is it reasonable to state demands within a marriage and for the demands to be followed-even if the other person isn’t favorable to the demands?
   -Why does it seam that my friends all have the same man in their lives? The man never seams to give explanation to their actions-just points blame at their wives, saying I acted that way because of you…
   -Does everyone need something that is their own-and not needing to be shared? Is it okay of one person in the relationship has things that are labeled as their own but don’t allow the other to have things for themselves?
   -Is it normal for some of these women to feel as if they have to sneak 5 or 10 minutes in here or there in order to have something as simple as an email or a journal to vent into (because their husbands don’t approve of it-so harass them when they see their wives taking time and effort into their email or journals?
   -Is it my own disillusion, or does control, manipulation, disrespect, the unwillingness to listen, the inability to own up to mistakes, while invading privacy have no place in love and marriage?

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      Daddy Paulposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      I have an answer for you. Respect one another. Then you do not need to play these games.

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         donotfearposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         
         Very good!!!! I can tell you from experience, this works. The last 6 weeks has been the best weeks of my 12 year marriage. We read the book 'The Five Love Languages' and have been applying those principles to our marriage. The number one thing that we have been doing right is showing each other utmost respect that, before, we took for granted. I can tell you for sure, RESPECT WORKS.

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            donotfearposted 15 years agoin reply to this

            
            Respect for each other also means respect for your patner's private time and personal things.

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            Justine76posted 15 years agoin reply to this

            hmmmm operative word here..WE!!!! no offense, Im very very glad to hear youve worked things out but trust me, if only one perosn is willing to give repsect, youve got nothing to work with.

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               donotfearposted 15 years agoin reply to this

               
               You are also totally right on with this input. It takes 2 for the relationship to work, both partners willing to go the extra mile. I can tell you, it wasn't always this way with me & spousey. I felt no respect from him at all and was very near leaving. Then a series of events happened that changed MY perspective and attitude. I brought home the book "The 5 Love Languages", plainly told him I wanted to save our marriage, began going out of my way to give him total regard, I stuffed my pride, I cut things out of my life that intruded on our relationship in a negative way, I changed me. Then, wonder of wonders, he starts reading the book. Then responding to ME in a positive, loving manner. And now, we've discovered each other's love languages, we know better what it takes for each of us to feel loved. For both of us, our love language centers around physical touch and words of affirmation. But it wasn't until HE realized how complacent, bored, and near collapse we were, that the real repair work began. So all I can say now is we are in a constant state of repair. We'll forever be working on this difficult thing called marriage or committed love. What a job! And how close we came to collapse.....but now there is much anticipation and appreciation for each other.

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                  Michael Willisposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                  You spoke a truth here that many people should learn. I changed Me.
                  
                  When one starts fault finding with their other half right off the bat, defenses are raised and then the relationship will be lost. If we can "solve" our own issues first, we can better see what is needed in a relationship.
                  
                  I have heard so many times from people, "He does this, or She does that...or...why won't he do this for me/Why won't she do this for me...blah, blah, blah!"  I will always come back to the person..."What about You?"
                  
                  It takes two people committed to make a relationship work. You can't force someone to be committed or to change. Change yourself before trying to change someone else. 
                  You don't like someone trying to change you, so why would someone else like You trying to change them?

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         3. 76

            H.C Porterposted 15 years agoin reply to this

            I think you are right that respect is key-and after reading your response, and thinking about what I know about her and about him, I am not too sure that either of them knows how to truly show respect. As long as I have known them as a couple, it has always been a battle between them, one which no one ever wins; they just give up until the next touchy subject. I advised her that my only suggestion was for the two of them to seek marriage counseling if they couldn't communicate about their issues without fighting and/or crying over hurt feelings.

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               donotfearposted 15 years agoin reply to this

               
               And that was very good advice, indeed! The question is, how committed are they to WANTING to make it work? Do they think it's 'worth it'? If neither of them thinks it's worth fighting to get back, then it won't work. They've gotta WANT to live in harmony. If not, then the whole thing is counter-productive.
               
               (And just to think that 6 weeks ago I was posting 'I'm married but I have no husband'.  Just look how things can change@!!!!!

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      EmpressFelicityposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      If any man tried either of these things with me, it would be an instant deal breaker.

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      Rainbow Prideposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      The most important parts of any relationship are Communication, Loyalty, and Trust.
      
      You should be able to communicate with your partner about anything and everything. Therefore, there should be no need to snoop through their emails, journals, Facebooks, etc.
      
      You should be loyal to your partner. Even if you are in an open relationship, there should have been rules, boundaries, exceptions, etc that you discussed. Remaining loyal to your partner in these cases are very important.
      
      You should be able to trust your partner in all situations. If you communicate with them effectively and both partners are loyal in the relationship, there should be no trust issues and these "games" should not be an issue.
      
      Of course, it all goes back to what you, as an individual, are willing to put up with. But if you are in a relationship where you do not communicate, where you are not loyal to each other, and where you do not trust each other to the extent that these "games" feel necessary to one or both of you, the relationship probably isn't a good one and you both need to re-evaluate your lives and your commitment to each other.

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         H.C Porterposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         I very much agree with what you said... Thanks for your feedback
         (just letting you know that this thread was not to reference my relationship) 

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   Rafiniposted 15 years ago

   Another answer for you:
   
   Why should life, in general, require games?

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      H.C Porterposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      i dont believe it should- I am just trying to figure out why so many of my female friends have such a hard time communicating with their husbands in order to live a better life within their marriage.
      
      my marriage isnt perfect- but it is a (more or less) blissful compromise and with two kids thrown into the mix-it is a constant discussion on how to maintain a happy existence together, but not giving up everything for yourself (which includes privacy)

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         Rafiniposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         the fact is, the games exist.  If your female friends are having communication issues then someone needs to do something to correct the issue - either them or their husbands.  Whichever of them recognizes it and wants to improve it.

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   Justine76posted 15 years ago

   -Is it my own disillusion, or does control, manipulation, disrespect, the unwillingness to listen, the inability to own up to mistakes, while invading privacy have no place in love and marriage?
   
   this should have no place in marriage at all, but sadly seems to be the common theme these days. 

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   sneakorocksolidposted 15 years ago

   Well women should be happy their families happy!
   
   Example: A good wife knows her son and husband love cookies and that they enjoy her efforts and are grateful. She should accept this loving response as proof of their love for her. She is then happy to see them happy, its a win win deal!
   
   Next Example: A female friend was talking about her lame gifts. I said we bought my wife a chicken rotissorie machine because she wants us to be happy because it makes her happy when were happy and we love rotissorie chicken. So she has her wish to be appreciated and we get chicken, another win win deal!

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   sneakorocksolidposted 15 years ago

   I had another example, women shouldn't hit their spouse because we have feelings too! If they choose to hit they should run to the kitchen and make more cookies!

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6. 70

   cupid51posted 15 years ago

   This is totally my own opinion. You may not agree with this.
   
   Blaming each other won't improve our relation. We should accept that everybody would have both good and bad qualities. If we expect only good qualities from our partner, it is impractical. I agree with some of the discussion above that there should be mutual respect. I like to add that when the relation is at a worse state, we should try to find out only the positive things in our partner. It helps to recover the love we already lost.

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   BRIAN SLATERposted 14 years ago

   No I dont think its the right thing do, both parties should have there own space and I think that should remain intact, even if you are tempted to snoop. If the relationship is nearing its conclusion then its surely better to be true to one self and keep your dignity.  If the other party finds out later on, then you wouldn't be able to look yourself in the mirror, and that is very important to be able to do when its all over.

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