HOME SWEET HOME
At a certain stage of life, adult children move away from the parental home to establish their own respective lives. However, more and more adult children are living with their parents, some partly due to the current, precarious socioeconomic situation and the expensive rents. Some actually want to live with their parents.
The concept of adult children wanting to leave the parental nest and establishing their own individual lives is becoming somewhat of a blur. Many parents are looking forward to having an empty nest......not. There is now the concept of the boomerang adult child and the adult child who will not leave the parental home. There are people in their late 20s, 30s, 40s, and even 50s who have NEVER LEFT the parental home.
According to many social scientists and psychologists, adult children who live with their parents are doing so at the detriment of their development-socially, psychologically, emotionally, and mentally. Many people believe that adult children who live in the parental home are totally amiss and have certain issues. Many contend that such adult children are missing out on many life enhancing skills which are only gained by living on one's own.
Many men and women would not even consider a relationship with an adult child who lives in the parental home. Such children are often considered to be losers. There are other people who consider adult children who live in the parental home to be upstanding. According to these people, adult children who live in the parental home are not as likely to be involved in ambiguous and/or deleterious activities as adult children who live on their own.
There are people who consider adult children who live in the parental home to be irresponsible. They assert that such adult children do not possess the prererquisite life and/or survival skills. What is your take on adult children who live in the parental home?Well, in the current depression we are in it makes sense for adult children to go back home until they get their feet back on the ground running. Or even to take care of their aging parents instead of putting them in homes. However, the ones who never left I believe have definate seperation issues especially from their mothers. I do find it wierd to have a 50 year old man who never left the nest and especially one who never married.
And what's wrong with weird? Obviously humans have motivations that are based on a foundation of instinct, but we are also a highly aware species that diverges from evolutionary specific behavior. Yet we still have people who feel the need to breed yet don't want their children, according to what they say. Possibly just for the 'fun part' of raising offspring, or some other illusionary perception of 'needing' to spread their 'seed'. Unfortunately, people make the mistake of getting pets for the same (former) reason, feeling entitled to dump them when their behavior is less than admirable.
Two women moved into my neighborhood, mother and daughter. Who is living with whom in this situation? Is the daughter an adult mooch who cannot live on her own, or is the mother dependent on the daughter for care in her advanced age? I assume you do not have such harsh pronouncements for parents who move in with their children, or are you saving that for yet another forum post? Sometimes the distinction is blurry.
They have to tell you why they live together. Maybe they are living together to cut expenses. Maybe the daughter is temporarily unemployed so she is living with her mother temporarily until she is able to be socioeconomically on her own. Maybe the mother is unable to care for herself and needs the assistance of her daughter. Maybe they enjoy each other's company as adults and simply enjoy living with each other!
Maybe you should take these things into consideration in your original forum thread. However, you usually take the view of child bashing instead of looking at the flip-side of the coin, probably in order to get more comments from your one sided views.
America is a society that values individualism, but there are many cultures that value the family and taking care of each other over the individual. Since the US is made up of people from many different cultures this also has a huge influence on certain families. In the end it is up to the family and how they work things out. You can't just go around generalizing issues like this.They don't have to tell me anything. I'm not a prying neighbor gathering facts so I can make a rude judgment about their living situation. The daughter is in her 30s, the mother in her 50s/60s, and both are employed. They have two decent cars and their modest home is a purchase, not a rental.
The point is you make way too many negative assumptions about adult children who live with their parents without knowing all the circumstances. Sure, there are adults who haven't been weaned so to speak. But that does not describe all the cases where adults and their parents share the same home.These are not negative assumptions. Many Americans believe that something is totally amiss with adults who live in the parental home, especially in their late 20s and beyond, excluding some circumstances i.e. the parents are unable to care for themselves or that the adult child has some type of mental and/or physical challenges. Many people believe that adult children should leave the parental home and be on their own. However, due to the escalating unemployment situation and expensive rents, it is hard for young people to do so.
Some people strongly contend that adults who live with their parents are immature and irresponsible. They are of the opinion that such young people are not learning responsible behavior such as budgeting and making ends meet. They believe that such young people coast through life on the coattails of their parents. There was even an article by MCCALLS stating that adults who still live in the parental home will never be as successful as those who live on their own. Dr. Phil, noted psychologist, stated that adults who live with their parents do not develop as fast mentally, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually as those who live on their own.
There are many adults who live in the parental home who have to abide by parental law, no matter how old they are. In essence, their lives are not their own. They must follow their parents' rules. Those who have on their own have immeasurable more freedom to come and go and to live up to their human potential. There are also people who state that they refuse to have any type of romantic relationship with any adult who live in the parental home. They consider them to have an arrested development. The general American societal consensus is that beyond certain circumstances, living with one's parents in adulthood is viewed quite negatively to say the least.Often adults living in the parental home do have to abide by parental law. My beau and I have a former classmate that comes in from out of state on holidays to "visit" family. He stays with his parents, never gets a hotel or a rental, and must be in their home by 10p.m. This is a married adult that is over the age of 30. Apparently he cannot afford a hotel for his family when visiting. He and the wife complain about staying with his parents but they never ante up for a hotel for them and their child.
On the flip side of this there a few are adults that I know of (NOT friends) that live with their parents. In their cases it's the complete opposite, they are free to do drugs, drink, and spend their money frivolously preventing them from saving enough to move on to the next stage of life.
This is an issue I've been interested in lately. I am a Japanese citizen having just returned to our home in Yokohama from Canada this past March. In Japan, children often live at home until they are married. Even if they get a full time job, they are still likely to commute from home, unless they are posted in a location which is too far away to commute. The problem we have now is that there is a growing number of people in their 30s not getting married and because of the economic situation( and because rent is very expensive where I live), these people can not afford to get a place of their own. The coined term for these adult children who are still single and living at home is the "parasite single". Parasite meaning that they are being parasites from the point of view of the parents, so to speak. Compared to adult children living at home in the U.S., my opinion is that they don't appear as irresponsible in Japan. The parent-child relationship is much closer in Japan and several people I know with families are living with their parents/in-laws, hence three generation(grandparent(s), parents, children) under the same roof! (Given there are separate kitchens, etc.) And yes, there appears to be adult children in their 40s and even 50s living with their parents as well. These people, I believe, have issues in that they have been unable to find a partner but I think at a certain point, they become breadwinners when their parents have reached retirement and they sort of become the household "leader" and will probably take care of their parents when they are old and ill. But as you say, they probably do lack the skills for survival, which they will likely only learn when they are on their own.
I love my children but they are getting out at 20 at the latest! There is no way I will be having 30 year old children in my home. I had my children somewhat young for a reason. I want them out before I get old. I will put them in one of our rental properties before they stay here!
In America it often seems to be to the child and parents' detriment when they live with parents. Whether it be complete strangers, colleagues, friends, or potential mates, many people do think negatively of this type of arrangement. There is no privacy for the "child" and they are simply not following through with the adult stages of life.
Their growth is stunted completely or severely slowed and they often have problems when outside circumstances force a change in their living situation. Many have no experience with budgeting let alone paying bills or building and maintaining great credit. Further, there is only dependence no matter how much freedom they may claim to have when living at home.
For the most part, the children aren't their happiest and many simply become accustomed to paying a lesser amount of rent, if they pay any at all. This is the point where problems begin for a large number of parasitic children. A fairly large number choose to fritter away any money they have leftover and never get themselves out of this situation and become independent until outside circumstances force a change. Many parents refuse to put their foot down and force their children to become adults but setting a time limit on the stay and setting reasonable rent and house expectations.
I know of several adult children that live this way. They all fritter their money away, are very dependent on subsidies from those they live with, and they never think it will come to an end. None of them own their own car and one has recently fathered a child and he's never been married. Two of the three are in their late thirties and the third is nearly 47 years old and living with his aunt. None of them have EVER lived alone. While it's not always the scenario, two of the three also do drugs and drink.That's a hefty list of assumptions to base off of three people. I'm starting to realize that there really is no place for a logical discussion about these topics when people are compelled to utilize 'evidence' of such teeny sample sizes. I have observed that many who do leave home do not know how to manage their money well and it effects them for the duration of their lives. The irresponsibility does not magically 'dissipate' from merely leaving home. And I'm certain that many who have left home abuse drugs and alcohol.
I also guess that it would make sense to consider that such prolonged periods of homebodism would have an effect on 'normalcy'. I guess I'm looking for more of a reason on why that of which is considered normal is seen as optimal.You're right, these are my assumptions based off people that I know of. I've also seen this elsewhere such as with classmates in college, complaining about not being able to get dates because they live with their parents. I used the examples of three people that I know of, as in know of, NOT friends.
I certainly agree that people drink and do drugs outside the home or if their on their own however, there are parents whose "help" actually becomes a hindrance and allow this behavior during their stay.
I also agree with you in that irresponsibility doesn't magically dissipate because one leaves home, however when reality gives one a swift kick in the pants (they see negative consequences) perhaps they will have more reason to become more responsible. If forced out into even a roomate situation with the hope of becoming fully independent, there no one will be picking up bills and things for them, they will be forced into more responsible behavior.
Everyone is different and learns and grows at varying speeds, but it's considered optimal to be independent for a variety of reasons such as household consumption which can add to job creation or growth, privacy, relaxation, and the ability to have something of their own and the pride and responsibilities that go along with this.Yes, each situation is different. However, adult children who live in the parental home are , on the average, somewhat more immature than those adult children who live on their own. Express10, you are right on target when you state that adult children who live on their own have to more vigilant and/or aware regarding their bad habits. They have to be for they know if they continue such bad habits, they will lose their jobs, homes, and/or apartments. If they want to be where they are currently, they watch those bad habits.
In actuality, one has no choice but to be responsible when one lives on his/her own. He/she has to have a steady reliable job and budget wisely. He/she also must know when the rent has to be paid, how to shop, cook, and clean. There are skills learned from living on one's own that can NEVER BE LEARNED living in the parental home.
Furthermore, when one lives on his/her own, his/her life is HIS/HER own. He/she does not have to answer to anyone. He/she can came and go as he/she chooses. In essence, one is MORE OF AN ADULT when living in his/her apartments than in the parental home( I shall not go into specifics but anyone reading this knows EXACTLY what I mean). When one lives in the parental home, he/she is a perpetual adolescent in more ways than one as it is the parent who have the ultimate reins in the home.
Although in some households, the adult child and the parents are on an equal adult-adult footing, such cases are often the exception. Many parents view their adult children living with them as still children under their purview. They feel that they are the dominant in the relationship because they are parents and consider their adult children as "lesser." These parents strongly contend that if their children were authentic adults, they would be living on their own instead of with them."However, adult children who live in the parental home are , on the average, somewhat more immature than those adult children who live on their own."
Since you've stated this as a fact, I'm going to require your source that supports it. I always hesitate to make definitive categorizations over the complexities of human social dynamics (and animal cognition). Unless by your perspective, living alone inherently means you are responsible as long as you are alone and alive. From your words I am getting that: a person who doesn't leave home can have mature values, understand financial responsibility, but cannot be considered mature until they are by themselves, while a person that does NOT have such healthy values who is alone, can be considered 'mature' because they are caring for themselves.
I wonder what your opinion of other societies would be. As mentioned earlier, not all cultures have what I'm referring to as the orangutan complex (solitary great apes). So I'm assuming that you disapprove of that aspect of their lifestyles; that everyone needs to fend for themselves at some point in life to complete maturation conditioning.I know several people who exemplify this. There was a young woman, a clerk, on my first job. She lived with her parents. She never paid any type of rent nor contributed towards the parental household, always bought expensive clothes and shoes. She traveled to exotic places each summer. She had no concept of budgeting and saving. Everything was an indulgence for her. She complained about her parents treated her as a child(she had a 10 o'clock weekend curfew even though she was in her 20s); however when it was suggested that she move and get her own apartment, she actually balked, stating that she had to live almost in poverty to maintain the apartment.
A second instance is a man who lives in my building complex. He is near 50 and always lived with his parents. He does not work and is always riding a motorcycle. He is able bodied and of sound mind and can work and support himself. However, he would rather ride his motorcycle than to work gainfully. His parents have more than enough monies to support him. He has a younger brother in college and an older sister who just moved out of the parental home two years ago.
A third instance is a woman in her 40s that I supervised in my second job. She lived at home with her parents and was waited on hand and foot. She did not know how to shop, clean, and wash as those tasks were done for her. When her parents died, she was in dire straights. She did not know how to take care of herself and the monies that were left to her was "handled" by the family attorney who took the most for himself with very little left over for her. As an employee, she was THE WORST, abysmal would be quite an understatement. She was so dependent and needed constant prodding and hand holding for her to complete work tasks. Melissa, NEED I SAY MORE. Well, I GUESS NOT!Well in my opinion I think you would have to say more. What is the objective of this thread again?
No, I do not. It is the general societal consensus that adults who live with their parents, excluding mental, emotional, and psychological challenges, are viewed in a negative light. They are often considered to be irresponsible, immature, and other negative pejoratives. Even some parents consider their adult children who live with them to be "somewhat lesser" than their adult children who live on their own.
I was looking at a news show the other day on adults who live at home which elucidated many of the same points I said. This psychologist indicated that it is detrimental in the long run for an adult child to be still living in the parental home. He indicated that adult children who live on their own learn responsibility and independence. He further maintained that parents should have a time table as to when the adult child will move out of the parental home. He asserted that it is better overall for the adult child's development if he/she lived on his/her own.
Subconsciously, adult children who live in the parental home are somewhat risk aversive. They are afraid to live on their own because that represents a sense of insecurity and discomfort. They live with their parents because it represents some type of comfortable level and security which can be analagous to a baby in the womb. They do not wish to leave the buffer of the parental home as that is their proverbial womb so to speak.Um, all the same. It's bad and when it's bad, It's good when it's good. People, subcultures and situations vary. I would hate to think a child would not support an ailing relative just to avoid this stereotype. I was just reading about the victims or Sandi. They were mostly elderly and ill, and mostly alone. Maybe if their kids were nearby they would still be with us.
I am not talking about such cases. When a parent is ailing and/or aged and cannot take care of himself/herself, many adult children have them move in with them and take care of them and/or provide some type of inhouse care. This is to be expected and should be done. I am talking about adult children who refuse and/or afraid to launch. Somehow, that umbilical cord has to be cut so that the adult child can lead an independent life!
If that is what you are specifically talking about, that is what you should have said instead of pathologizing every person who "actually wants to live with their parents".
I live half a world away from my mother and frequently feel very guilty for doing so. If she ever really needs me, I won't be there.
Ah, but a "societal consensus" and people's perceptions of others certainly does not always have a leg in truth. That is certainly something that I've learned with my other interests, and this is not evidence. Perhaps it would enhance your argument to find the research that was touted by that televised psychologist. I tend not to be someone who buys into the 'pop science' that appears on programs like "The Today Show" and others, I need to see the peer-reviewed source.
I am going to present some plain commonsense regarding the matter which is based upon observation of simple human nature. Yes, I quoted the psychologist as he had elucidated the same thing that I have known for years. This is just common sense, you do not always have to have data. One can logically think and conclude for himself/herself. Adult children, excluding those with mental, physical, psychological, and emotional challenges, who live in the parental home are not respected as much as those who live on their own. I can give many instances of this firsthand.
In my building complex, there is a woman in her 50s who still lives with her mother and never left the parental home. She is an accomplished career woman with a high powered position. However,her neighbors address her by her first name and consider her to be a child. She is even approached and treated as a child would be.
Another woman of the same age has lived in the same building on her own since she was 23 years of age, she has a teaching job. She is more respected and is addressed as Ms. The neighbors think highly of her as opposed to the first woman who still lives with her parents. Both women ran for leadership positions in my complex. The second woman won because she demonstrated that she was able to handle the responsibilities of the position as she lived on her own since graduating from college whereas the first woman was believed not to be responsible because she lived in the parental home.
Forget it if one wants a relationship. If you are an adult child who lives with his/her parents, do you think that someone is going to enter into an adult relationship with you? First of all, you are going to be viewed as a total loser. Your date is going to wonder why are you as an adult are still living in the parental home. You are not going to get much dates, even much friends. People seldom want to be bothered with adults who live at home, pure and simple. You are viewed as an authentic adult if you live with your parents, especially in your late 20s and beyond. You are oftentimes viewed as and treated as an adolescent. That is REAL LIFE. There are certain things that are common knowledge that do not have to be deduced. If one is an authentic adult, one lives independently. That is what being an adult is all about.
Now, there is the parents' angle. Many, if not most parents look forward to the day when the adult child is living on his/her own. This is called the empty nest syndrome. Parents want to have their privacy and to be free to do what they want. In essence, they have their house back. They may want to rekindle the spark in their marriage. They also may want to sell the house and/or apartment to get a smaller one tailored to their needs. They want to be lovers and couples, instead of parents. Melissa, do you get my drift, now? Good, parenting decreases once a child becomes an adult. Parents are people also with their own individual lives which does not necessarily have to be centered around the adult child. They can have their ultimate privacy and do things for themselves.That is one of the downsides of choosing to live with your parents. But adults who live with their parents are fully aware of society's perception of them...and yet they choose to live with their parents in spite of the stigma. Clearly they have decided that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks, so you have to wonder if maybe there is more to these situations than meets the eye.
Most rational people wouldn't make a snap judgment about an adult who lives with his/her parents without first determining any extenuating circumstances. For example, a parent who needs care. Your neighbors are probably rational people, so I would guess there is more to the story than the simple fact that one lives with her mom and one doesn't. Maybe the woman who lives with her mom is less attractive, or has annoying mannerisms. Or maybe she acts disrespectful toward her mother. I don't know. Maybe you should poll your neighbors and find out exactly what made her the less desireable candidate.The neighbor is actually a very nice woman but a little timid and diffident. She is very respectful towards her mother. The neighbors consider her a child simply by the fact that she still lives with her mother at 50 years of age.
The neighbors do not respect her for this fact, no more, no less. One of the other neighbors told me that she would NEVER consider anyone who lives with his/her parents to be a mature adult. To this woman, he/she will always be an adolescent.
One time, the 50 year old neighbor when she was 25 years of age had a dinner date, the person who invited her told the mother that the daughter would be home by 10:00 p.m. The neighbor was not even considered regarding the conversation.
As I have reiterated, adult children who live with their parents are simply considered to be "lesser" in everyway i.e. they are quite marginalized. I have written some hubs on this very topic.
Tussin, Melissa, Express10, Psycheskinner,and others, thank you for your individual synopsis regarding the post. It is so greatly appreciated. No hard feelings.No hard feelings. Everybody's got their own take and I can respect that but I have not changed my mind on this one. I tend not to have a positive view of this unless there is balance such as paying a fair share of expenses and helping out around the house with a set departure date or absolute need in the wake of some tragedy or unforeseen circumstance. Caring for the ill or elderly whether it be parent or child also is a great reason for this type of arrangement. If there is imbalance, then it's a negative situation.
Anyone can find random examples to back up any theory. However, these do not make the theory universally true, just like using CAPS often will not help in making a point either.
So you happen to know a lot of losers. That says something about you.
Normally, I am quite in agreement with you Tussin. Hopefully you are just having a bad day but even if I were I wouldn't take swipes at you. I'm not friends with any losers, these examples I speak of are people that I know of and they are actually older than me. I thought they'd be further along than they are, they are all stuck. I make it clear that I know of these people and am not friends with them.
Well, I know quite a few adults who still live with their parents and none of them have those sorts of problems. They're all employed and they just prefer to live with their parents, partly due to their cultural upbringing. Personally, I don't get it, but as long as the parents are cool with it's not my problem.
Those who are prejudiced against adults who live with their parents are perhaps biased because they only know dysfunctional people in that situation. But there are plenty of perfectly normal people who live that way; they just go unnoticed because they aren't causing trouble for anyone.I know a few people whose cultural norm is to live with family. I don't get it either, I need my privacy and solitude at times. Also, I agree many people live in this type of situation and it is a positive thing for both parties in that the parents are being paid a fair or generous share of expenses regularly and the adult child has a set departure date.
In other cases the child or parent are receiving care that otherwise might have to be handled by a costly professional or they may have to be put into a group or retirement home.
You brought up the valid issue of codependence and I think that plays a role in one of the three cases I spoke of. I fear when outside events force a change in that case, perhaps he'll sink, perhaps he'll swim. He was a good person in high school and it seems the arrangement has stifled him from going to college or seeking a better career that might have dragged him out of the family home.
As for the people that I speak of, I wouldn't say they cause trouble, but they certainly aren't independent and if out of their current situations they'd be forced to be more responsible.
In one of the cases, it is simply disordered to bring a child into this world when you are in your 30's have never lived independently, have never married, have a drug conviction, and go to work (day laborer since high school) when you choose which may or may not be on a daily basis, depending on whether or not you need the money for marijuana. What good can this man in his thirties teach his child? Will he, when he has never demonstrated responsibility, independence, hard work, or a good work ethic?
Again Tussin, I agree that there are some cases where there is balance but I also see a fairly large number where there is imbalance and codependency as you have stated.
GMWilliams, I think you're overlooking codependency in a lot of these situations. Some adults may indeed be too dependent on their parents emotionally, but it goes both ways. Some parents (especially if their spouse is out of the picture) might also have trouble separating from their children. And since you can't fully know what everyone's motivations are in these situations, I think it best not to assume it's the child who can't move on.
Very interesting thread. It's not right to condemn adult child who still live in their parental home.In the part of Africa where I come from, some males leave in their parental home with their wives. They raise up their children there. Moreover, these adult male child help manage their parents property and do take care of their aged parents. True,it is not good for the female adult child to be living in their parental home but some stiil return if they've had a bad marriage-when there's no where or friends to turn to.
Thanks for sharing.
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