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Dungeon Crackers Chapter 3: To slay a dragon, unconventionally

Updated on June 30, 2010

It took longer to get back to the treasure room than I thought, but we at last came to the giant metal door. There was a slot at the bottom of the door that read “Food”. I held the slot open and sent my fairy friend Rolf in to unlock the door from the inside. After I heard the sound of a latch, Rolf came out, giving me the thumbs up.

I put on the cloak of invisibility and opened the door as quietly as he could. Rolf flew ahead and around the room. There were piles of gold stacked to the walls, and it reflected in amber light as Rolf buzzed about.

In the center of it all was a huge dragon. Even though I knew it would be there, and knew that it was asleep, I was still taken aback by it.

“It’s here,” I whispered to Grayon over the magic blue tooth communicator in his ear.

“Okay, you know what to do. Remember, gently but firmly.”

I took out a vial and covered myself with a substance that would mask my scent. I was grateful that it didn’t smell. All the years of sneaking around at my old school for magic had prepared me for the quiet steps that I took toward the maw of the dragon before me. This was not a time to make any noise, like I did with the minotaur I had taken care of in the last room. The creature was sleeping like a dog, and his snout was resting on his two front claws.

The nostrils were vulnerable, and they opened and shut as he (assuming it was a he) inhaled and exhaled. I took out the two packages that I had been saving for the occasion, and stuffed one of them gently into one nostril. I did it gently, and I wondered if it was too gently.

The dragon’s head moved suddenly, and I almost bolted instinctively. I calmed himself and knew that it would be the death of me if I tried that. The dragon seemed to know that something was in his nose, and he sniffled like he was trying to stop a sneeze. What I hoped is that he had inhaled rather than exhaled, which would drive those sacks further up his nasal canals.

Unfortunately, the dragon shifted his position, and curled his head near his legs like a sleeping dog on a cold night. There was no way I could get the second sack into the other nostril without walking over his neck and tail.

I tiptoed backwards as far away from the dragon as I could before I spoke to Grayon. “I did it. Halfway, at least. I can’t get the other one in, though. It should be fine with just one, right?”

“I guess so.”

“This would not be a good time for guess so.”

“Can you…”

“Hang on. Rolf?”


“I need you to take this sack and shove it up his nose.”

“Did you just listen to what you just said?”

“Rolf! I’m serious. I’m not certain if this will work with one. I need you to take this and shove it up his left…or maybe right nostril.”

“You don’t know which one?”

“It was his left one, or the one on my left, I’m not sure. Forget it, we’re going ahead, Grayon.”

I pocketed the sack in the corner for safe-keeping.

“Now, what are the magic words that I’m supposed to say?”

“They aren’t magic. Dragons love to talk about how they are the reason that the economy isn’t collapsing. That somehow their keeping gold keeps the price of gold up. If you deny that they are doing this, then they’ll get angry with you, and will roast you on sight.”

“Okay, so they aren’t magic, but tell me what the words are.”

Grayon did, and I repeated them back. I then signaled to Rolf to get ready, and I got into position.

It took me five minutes before I could build up the strength to yell at the top of my lungs this odd sentence: “Hey! Supply and demand is just a theory!”

The dragon awoke, roared, and reared back his head. Fire spewed from his nostrils, and I quickly ducked behind a pile of gold. Though the flames were not touching me, it was getting hotter.

Rolf soon joined me. “Hiding behind the gold? Every amateur makes that mistake. This gold is going to melt soon, and then you are really screwed.”

“What happened? That was supposed to…oh no.”

I saw that the bag that I was supposed to have shoved up the nostril of that dragon had inconveniently slipped out. I knew I should have been more firm and less gentle when I pushed it in there. I knew that if I ran, it would just roast me.

“I can’t leave here, or he’ll roast me. Rolf, you need to do this. Get that sack there and shove it!”

“Are you kidding? He’ll roast me now!”

“Just do it in between flames.”

The heat had suddenly dissipated.

“Go, do it now.”


Rolf took off and sped toward the sack, and then approached the dragon. Then he stopped.

“What nostril?”

“Any one!”

The dragon’s attention turned to Rolf, and he breathed in order to breath out some fiery breath. Rolf sped to the nostril and managed to place it so he snorted the bag. He then turned on the flame, and the gunpowder blew up. I ducked, but was hit by boiling shrapnel.

In the smoke and fire I could see that the dragon had half of its face burned off, and it was either dead or dying.

I sustained some burns, but I was all right. I wanted to say something callous and smart, but couldn’t think of anything. I wasn’t like I had slain him valiantly like a knight or anything.

Rolf was no where to be found. I yelled for him, and then heard a noise like a muffled rat. There was a piece of charred meat, stuck to the wall, and Rolf was stuck in it. I pulled him out, and tried to wipe off the dragon entrails as much as I could.

“Hey, watch the wings! They are very fragile.”

“Sorry. Are you all right?”

Rolf glared. “I’m covered in dragon mucus!”

“Actually, I think that’s brains.”

“Great!” Rolf flew about a foot off of the ground, just to test it. His glow was like a lantern painted black.

“Give me a minute.”

“You can take an hour if you like. Grayon, come in.”

“Tiran! You’re alive. I take it the gunpowder in the nose worked?”

“I only needed one. What magic is in this?”

“I told you, there is no magic. Did you find the item?”

“Hang on. The dragon did his breathing thing on gold, so it’s sort of fused together, but it ought to be around here somewhere. Ah, here it is, the Gem of Albuon.”

“Very well, we will meet at the rendezvous point.”

So, where are Tiran and Rolf taking this Gem of Albuon?  Find out here


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