Thoughts, written down, edited,eventually might evolve into a poem...

1. 66

   2uesdayposted 14 years ago

   perfume...life and chasing rainbows.
   
   First draft.
   
   I know now that life is like perfume,
   If you do not enjoy it
   Each day it dilutes,loses its vibrancy,fades.
   
   I will not store it away, pressed petals in a jar.
   Splashed across my wrist and dancing in the rain
   Until the prism bows, an arch across the sky.
   Sweetly scented, somewhere over the rainbow.
   ................................................
   second edit(draft):
   
   Now I know, life like perfume
   Not enjoyed, loses its essence
   dilutes and fades, is lost.
   
   Pressed petals in a jar,
   stored no longer,released.
   
   dancing in the rain
   a prism bows, arcs the sky.
   
   One day some where some time
   for now...
   
   Essentially the essence of life
   is to enjoy the moment.
   
   ..........................................
   
   okay got to leave it there.. will edit some more later.

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   1. 0

      Rnoble74posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Joined your fanbase!  You're killin' it with your dead on and quality posessed writings and such; I mean to say you're excellent when you write whatever...  Rnoble74 Username
      
      Much Peace, Sincerity and Respect,
      Rich Aaron Norris

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   2. 85

      rebekahELLEposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      "3rd - extraction/edit.
      
      i watched you fade,
      like a sepia print
      washed away by tears
      
      
      yet in the rain
      no one guesses..
      the colours of me
      washed away,too.'
      
      
      I like how you went from your original thoughts, subject quite obvious to your final (3rd) more succinct, abstract about life. it's really very lovely. good work, 2uesday.

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      1. 66

         2uesdayposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Thank you rebekahElle your comment is reassuring; I feel it is not always easy to work out if you are on the write 'track' when writing poetry. Someone like you leaving this feedback is  helpful to me.

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   3. 60

      Wilhelmina Noirposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I would have liked to see a new edit, combining qualities of the original and the second. For instance, the beginning of the second edit was a simpler way of expressing the thought, but the end of the original was better in my opinion, but the end of the second draft seemed to be lacking in the thought initially expressed in the original. Editing and scaling down shouldn't mean chopping off parts of the thought or expression. This is why I won't edit if I feel it would somehow compromise the integrity and depth of a work.

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2. 60

   free4indiaposted 14 years ago

   good job !

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3. 66

   2uesdayposted 14 years ago

   3rd - extraction/edit.
   
   i watched you fade,
   like a sepia print
   washed away by tears
   
   
   yet in the rain
   no one guesses..
   the colours of me
   washed away,too.

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4. 42

   wavegirl22posted 14 years ago

   lost in a swirl

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5. 0

   philip carey 61posted 14 years ago

   People want poetry to be spontaneous and perfect the first time. But the same advise applies to poetry as to prose: edit, edit, edit.
   
   (But in the forums, not so much...)

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6. 0

   philip carey 61posted 14 years ago

   People want poetry to be spontaneous and perfect the first time. But the same advise applies to poetry as to prose: edit, edit, edit.
   
   (But in the forums, not so much...)

   replyreport
7. 0

   philip carey 61posted 14 years ago

   People want poetry to be spontaneous and perfect the first time. But the same advise applies to poetry as to prose: edit, edit, edit.
   
   (But in the forums, not so much...)

   replyreport
8. 0

   philip carey 61posted 14 years ago

   People want poetry to be spontaneous and perfect the first time. But the same advise applies to poetry as to prose: edit, edit, edit.
   
   (But in the forums, not so much...)

   replyreport
   1. 66

      2uesdayposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I guess I know what you mean, but at the time; it was like walking into an empty white room and wanting to find out if anyone else ever came into it at times when you were not there... hence my posting this and the other pieces.

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9. 0

   philip carey 61posted 14 years ago

   People want poetry to be spontaneous and perfect the first time. But the same advise applies to poetry as to prose: edit, edit, edit.
   
   (But in the forums, not so much...)

   replyreport
10. 0

    philip carey 61posted 14 years ago

    Sorry about the repeat messages. I kept getting a weird error when I clicked the Submit button, making me think it didn't post, which it obviously did.

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11. 78

    Beata Stasakposted 14 years ago

    Nice poem. I believe in living in a moment. It is only thing which is true. We change our past to our liking. We dream about our future. We live in a present, in a moment.
    
    All the best from Beata

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    1. 66

       2uesdayposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Thank you, yes that's true it just took me ages to figure it out. The future can never be defined and the past cannot be 'truely' changed it is just edited or percieved in different ways by different people.

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12. 66

    awareposted 14 years ago

    its thanksgiving morning .  about on my way to grandmothers house. then i stumbled into 2uesday , on a Thursday morning .and read this great little work in progress. very good job i love short poetry . and you do it well .  nice to meet you .
    your newest fan ray/aware

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    1. 66

       2uesdayposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Thank you for this comment, so pleased you liked it. I hope you, grandmother and family had a lovely day together.

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13. 66

    2uesdayposted 14 years ago

    Sorry,  I did not know it was not a good idea to put poems on  this forum. I just read (on another thread) that poetry should not be posted here but in hubs. Now I know that I will not do it in future.

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14. 0

    poetlorraineposted 14 years ago

    i saw it on here and enjoyed it...... it was nice to see the forming of a poem no problem as far as i can see..... relax

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    1. 66

       2uesdayposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       thanks poetlorrine for leaving the above message for me.

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15. 78

    Sa Toyaposted 14 years ago

    I honestly enjoyed that- I often pen thoughts down and find that they become poems of their own- with editing of course.
    
    I love the breezy nature of it and find it somewhat calming if that makes sense

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