Lost love-Guys need an honest feedback that vl help me grow as a poet

1. 73

   Cracknutcaseposted 14 years ago

   Lost Love
   
   Its midnight now and am here thinking about You..
   Wondering whether U asleep or You dreaming about someone you love,Like I am dreaming about you.
   How do I sleep when all my dreams were wiped away,wiped away by You?
   How do I smile again when I've only tears in my eyes,tears which were given by You?
   You moved on so easily, But how do I move on when I am still struck by your thoughts,thoughts which had made me fall in love with you?
   You sometimes ask me 'How am I?'
   And I pretend and say 'Oh, I am just great!',
   But don't you really know,I am going through hell every moment am without you??
   In my mind,I keep playing all the things that you've done to hurt me & make me bleed.
   Yet,why is that am still here thinking,thinking about you?
   Do You still think someone else can love you more than me?
   Can someone love you enough when you've hurt them and made them bleed?
   You have hurt me again and again,Yet I seem to enjoy that pain..
   Oh no Baby, No one can love you better than me,
   Simply because I'll keep loving you till eternity..

   replyreport
   1. 61

      michael's sonposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      honestly its not bad at all it just needs revising the first draft of a poem hardly ever gets published that way pay closer attention to your wording and think of better ways to word it and still rhyme and stick close in your syllable ranges. (aka one line short and one line long can spell disaster) but the main thing that any poet must do is to speak from the heart don't over think your poetry otherwise it ceases to be art. if you speak from your heart a beautiful poem will follow. once you have a draft of your poem you should revise it a couple times to make it better just as a novelist would do with a book. once you have written your pure feelings down and revised them a couple times you should be ready to publish.

      replyreport
      1. 73

         Cracknutcaseposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Thank u so much Michael for ur honest feedback.. Writing poetry is new to me and I haven't done any course in literature either. So, I guess I need to learn alot of things about writing poetry and its various rules...Like U pointed out, I tend to overlook the syllable range and that's one of the many things I have to work on..
         Thanks again for ur feedback

         replyreport
         1. 61

            michael's sonposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            NP and to be a great poet doesn't necessarily require that you take a literature course. All a great poets needs is the ability to speak from their heart.

            replyreport
            1. 73

               Cracknutcaseposted 14 years agoin reply to this

               I will keep that in mind.. Thanks for the advice

               replyreport
               1. 60

                  kathryn1000posted 14 years agoin reply to this

                  I kept reading books for years on how to write poetry,then one day I realised I must just start writing.After you have written several it can be useful to look at a good book with advice about rhythm and rhyme.It doesn't mean much until you have actually written quite a few.Then you need to find your own voice,,,,,,,,,,,I think you have a voice already.Sometimes I do no editing,but sometimes I have spent a week on one but take care not to lose the essence of your poem whilst editing.After a while you get the idea,you just have to start and then keep on.
                  I hope this is helpful.

                  replyreport
                  1. 73

                     Cracknutcaseposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                     I began Writing poetry to express my feelings and i realised that it actually works as a stress buster for me.. But now that I m so into it i wanna write it in the right way..
                     Thanks for helping me out by ur useful advice Kath

                     replyreport
                     1. 60

                        kathryn1000posted 14 years agoin reply to this

                        I am very happy to help.Do keep writing It gets so you can't stop you love it so much.

                        replyreport
   2. 69

      N.E. Wrightposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Not bad.  I was really feeling it.
      
      Still, like Michael said revisions are needed, but for me they are minor.  Like for spaces and some missing words and letters.  That is normal, which is why we must check and recheck ourselves before publishing.
      
      I still find problems with my own work after several revisions ....
      
      Again, I was feeling it.
      
      Thanks for sharing,
      
      N.E.

      replyreport
2. 0

   Home Girlposted 14 years ago

   And don't kill your grammar!

   replyreport
   1. 73

      Cracknutcaseposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Sure Home girl
      Thanks

      replyreport
3. 0

   SirDentposted 14 years ago

   Use descriptive words.  Think of wriiting a poem as painting a picture with words.
   
   Avoid cliches, as much as possobile.  Also avoid adverbs.
   
   Poems flow freely  with a rhythmn and should not feel forced.
   
   Read poetry from famous poets. See how their poetry flows and is descriptive. 
   
   Write your thoughts down first then try to convert it to poetry form.

   replyreport
   1. 73

      Cracknutcaseposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Thank u Will remember about the flow and the rhythm.. Thank u so much...

      replyreport
4. 67

   2uesdayposted 14 years ago

   I do n't know how good or bad I will be at explaining this but sometimes I edit by cutting out the extra/or  unnecessary words in my original draft, while trying to hold the idea of the poem together.
   So if it were mine I were mine I would try to redraft it and edit several times. In my own poetry I tend to think less is more when it comes to the amount of words in a line. Of course such edits if too drastic can sometimes destroy the flow or meaning.
   Trial edit -
   
   
   Lost Love
   
   Its midnight now,here,
   thinking about you
   wondering, whether
   you are asleep
   or are you dreaming
   about someone you love,
   like I am dreaming about you.
   
   that may look awful to you, if so please ignore my idea.

   replyreport
   1. 84

      The Suburban Poetposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      2uesday... it looks good to me

      replyreport
   2. 59

      saleheensblogposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I wrote a trial edit and saw you have already done the same. my bad, i am too slow as a typer

      replyreport
      1. 73

         Cracknutcaseposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         @Saleheen- please do post ur edit too..
         Thanks

         replyreport
   3. 73

      Cracknutcaseposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks for the trial edit 2uesday.. It was of a great help.... I can see now y we need to edit d poem several times before, so we can get the right flow.. Thank u soooo much

      replyreport
5. 67

   2uesdayposted 14 years ago

   saleheen please post your edit too as it is good to get more ideas for this, yours may be just the idea he is asking for.
   
   
   Thanks Surburban

   replyreport
6. 61

   couturepopcafeposted 14 years ago

   All of the above advice is valid and good. 
   
   With respect, IMO, this one is not very good, constructively.  Too wordy.  The meaning is lost in the barage of sentences.  Needs much paring down.  If a word isn't absolutely necessary to get the point across, get rid of it. 
   
   It's midnite now and I still think of you.
   Are you awake or dreaming of her, too.
   I cannot sleep.  My dreams are wiped away.
   I cannot smile.  The tears in me betray my love for you.
   But you moved quickly on.
   And thoughts of you still linger though you're gone.
   You hurt me and I play at being fine.
   You cannot see the blood I bleed is mine.
   No one can love you any more than me
   Because I'll love you through eternity.
   
   You may not care for the way I put the words together because it is your poem but the idea is to strangle the poem until it bleeds, to rip at it until you are at the very core of the thing, at the essence, the essential message.  Don't fall in love with your own words.  This is one of the biggest mistakes writers make.  They do not want to edit out their beautiful words.  But you must.  Find the heart of the thing and build on it instead of starting with an idea and running, filling every line and space with words that are not essential to the urgency of the feeling behind the message.
   
   Keep writing, it gets better.  It always gets better.  Sometimes it gets worse, then it gets better again. One last thing.  Go to books on how to write poetry, what is correct construction for different types of poetry.  That doesn't mean you must follow the rules, but it's good to know how some things are done, you learn, then you make up your own rules.

   replyreport
   1. 81

      Rafiniposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      (I'll try a line edit from your version, couture)
      
      At midnight, still thinking of you
      Are you awake, or dreaming too
      Can't sleep - dreams wiped away
      Can't smile - my love tears betray
      No longer on my little finger
      Thoughts of you still linger
      Still it hurts, I play I'm fine
      You cannot see, the blood I bleed is mine
      Who could love you more than me?
      I'll love you through eternity
      
      Pure feelings, nothing else - that's how I write poetry.  Relax and only write the words that describe the feelings.

      replyreport
   2. 73

      Cracknutcaseposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      @couture-thanks for the edit. I can see how this one should've bin..
      And u r absolutely right about writers  fallin in love wit their own words(unfortunately I come under the same category).. I hardly have the heart to edit what I write and now that u've pointed out , I see how editing can change a simple poem into a beautiful one..
      Thanks for the advice

      replyreport
      1. 61

         couturepopcafeposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         No problem.  All new writers go through the same thing.  Even experienced ones do it.  We write and write while we have the muse then somehow it becomes a challenge to be objective.  I turn my manuscripts over to a few very trusted people to read.  I ask them to pick out anything which is glaringly out of place, which doesn't make sense to the objective reader.  Sometimes we are too close to the project.  But ultimately, I make my own editing decisions.  Good luck!

         replyreport
7. 63

   Ben Evansposted 14 years ago

   I like to paint pictures and to do poetry in metaphor like the following:
   
   
   
   
   The moon casts a silvery shadow
   with a grace of your presence
   in my thought.
   Asleep you must be dreaming
   of someone you love.
   My mind is filled with you.
   
   I will not sleep in peace
   because of your absence.
   The beauty that my dreams carry
   are gone and lost forever.
   
   My heart is fair
   as tears fall down my cheeks.
   They come at the expense
   of the sparkle you gave my eyes
   when we were together.
   
   You moved in stride
   and left me with a limp.
   Shallow water and wind
   casts the air so bitter
   with cold and no sense.
   
   
   
   It can also be done with meter and a little word smithing.
   
   It is midnight and I'm in bed
   thinking of you in my dear thoughts.
   Are you dreaming of her love said
   like a love that I yearn from you.
   
   I can't sleep without you here.
   My dreams are of hurt and absense
   while my eyes shed another tear
   which was given to me by you.
   
   .............

   replyreport
   1. 73

      Cracknutcaseposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      @Ben- Thanks for the edit- Its beautiful!
      I've always had  trouble using metaphors while writing. But Thanks to u, I'll work on it

      replyreport
      1. 63

         Ben Evansposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         You are very welcome.  Thank you
         
         These edits are just reflect my style and you will develop your own style.  I hope that this gives you a little contrast.  As you write more, you will develop as a writer.
         
         Many people think of poetry as a story to tell but it is a little more than that.  It is a painting through our eyes with words.  When I started, my words were contrived.  Now, words flow a little easier.  Just keep writing and read other people's poetry and see what you like and what you can develop into your own poetry.
         
         You will do fine.

         replyreport
8. 61

   pilesnowayposted 14 years ago

   Cracknutcase, I think it's more of a prose than a poetry. Poetry is more of rhythm and rhymes. This one is free verse. Is it a poetry? More of a prose but anyway, many are recognizing this technique in poetry writing. So it can be poetry...lol
   
   I know you can make it better. I have gone to series of writing classes and I have once speak about poetry on a mini-conference. What I used to share and point out is the basic mantra of writing--Show don't tell. Establish an imagery. Say, instead of saying "the clouds are beautiful" you could show your readers how beautiful the clouds are. Say "white cotton-like clouds with silver lining putting smile on everyone's face."
   
   God bless you with your endeavor. Yes you are right. Writing is indeed a form of expression. Write and express. If you write to impress then that's a different story. I know you can make a good poet if you will.

   replyreport
   1. 60

      kathryn1000posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      It's been really interesting seeing all these comments.So much talent an desire to learn.I find it inspiring.Thank you

      replyreport
      1. 73

         Cracknutcaseposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Sharing of what we know even if its a wee bit of information, is the best way of learning.. Nobody knows everything and everybody knows something.. So this is one of the main reasons I m here on hubpages-To learn and to share...
         
         Thanks

         replyreport
   2. 73

      Cracknutcaseposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      @pilesaway- Thanks for the advice..
      I will work on writing "poetry' as 'poetry 'rather than in a 'prose' style and will definitely keep in mind about the metaphoric usage and choice of words..
      Thanks again it was helpful..

      replyreport
9. 65

   Greek Oneposted 14 years ago

   Not once did you mention the poetic keyword 'Nantucket"... It should be the anchor upon which all your verses should be linked

   replyreport
10. 72

    What Is Qposted 14 years ago

    'How do I sleep when all my dreams were wiped away, wiped away by you...'  That's beautiful.  And it makes me sad, so I can definately feel the emotion that you put into this.  My heart goes out to you.  As far as advice, I could use a lot, myself.  I'll just say love and love again.  Keep writing and the music from your heart will give the words you put down rythem.

    replyreport
    1. 73

       Cracknutcaseposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       @ Q- Thanks for the comment.. It did lift my spirits after reading ur comment..

       replyreport