so can you blame me for "cheating"??

1. 79

   stclairjackposted 10 years ago

   i'm in a nearly sexless relationship. we've been together for going on 3 years, and i truly care about him, and have no desire to leave him or dump him,... but between his back injury and his bipolar dissorder, our love life is "cold" shall we say.
   
   so i've decided that if a have a great gewneral contractor that gets the job done in every way EXCEPT he doesnt have a plumber on staff,.... i'll just sub contract the plumber,.... i dont want to dump the gen contractor.
   
   if i mannage this with him never finding out, because A) we dont live together and B) we've always maintained a great degree of independance,.... then whats the harm?...... otherwise,... my only other option is to dump him because of this one flaw.

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      habeeposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      I have mixed feelings and have been in the same boat. My husband is older than I, and he has some health problems. Sometimes I think to myself, "If I didn't cook for him, he'd eventually go out to eat, right? What's the difference? Physical needs and urges have to be met...by SOMEONE."  But then I think about how wonderful he is to me and how much I love him, and I just can't bring myself to cheat. Even if he never found out, I'd know, and I think our relationship would change forever - for the worse.

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      1. 79

         stclairjackposted 10 years agoin reply to this

         your right,.. and if he and i were married and living together maybe the bond would be different,... i get what your saying,... and i'm not teribly proud of my descision,... but i've reached the point of being rather unapologetic about it at the same time

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         1. 94

            habeeposted 10 years agoin reply to this

            Sorry, I missed the part about not living together and not being married. If you can't live without the physical stuff, why not just be frank with him and tell him you're thinking about breaking up? Okay, I have to be careful how I say this: Is he not willing to "help you," even if he's not in the mood or is incapable of..."playing ball," so to speak?

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         2. 95

            Kierstin Gunsbergposted 10 years agoin reply to this

            If you aren't married you should just break up with him, don't cheat on him. Being cheated on hurts worse than being broken up with. My father is bipolar--it's a very complicated thing, and it's also very draining, and if you're not ready to learn about it and be in a relationship with someone who struggles with it then make the adult-decision to move on. Trust me, he has enough emotional problems to deal with, without being cheated on.

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               Kathryn L Hillposted 10 years agoin reply to this

               I concur, here.

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      2. 95

         wildernessposted 10 years agoin reply to this

         Physical needs must be met, yes.  Physical urges on the other hand are optional.  If it's not possible to satisfy both the urge and the relationship then one must go.  Satisfying the urge while violating the tenets of the relationship will end the relationship sooner or later - better to end the relationship now and cause less pain.
         
         Plus, just as you said, how do you live with yourself after such a violation?  By rationalizing it as "hiring a plumber" and therefore OK?

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   2. 59

      MissJamieDposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      I feel for your situation but did you not know these things about him when you married him? If you truly, truly loved him you wouldn't cheat no matter what. Like someone else said, if you can't be abstinent, you need to leave the relationship. You say you don't want to leave him but it doesn't sound like you want to be with him either and that's not fair to him regardless of his issues.
      
      Sorry, I'm not judging you completely because I don't know you. But I do know that there is no place in a relationship, for cheating.

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      1. 79

         stclairjackposted 10 years agoin reply to this

         we arent married,... we dont live together,.. we see each other once a week and he calls me his girlfriend,... we've been seeing each other for about 3 years now... and about a year ago his med switches finaly caught up to him and his dr supervised narc addiction did as well,.... now his dr is charged with 16 felony counts,.. YES!... and i managed to barely get him into a new doc before he wound up BACK in the psyc ward for the 2nd time last fall,... he has finaly gotten his psyc meds straightend out, and we spent the last 3 months stepping down the narcs,.. watching him DT for 2-3 nights at a time was trippy to say the least,.. all you can do is make sure he doesnt hurt himself while he wild cats around the house,... months of hateful crazy bullshit mixed with poor attempts at making it up to me...........
         
         what it boils down to is that i'm tired.
         
         i've held heaven and earth together while he has gone through this,... i pulled every last string i had to get him into see this dr 48 hours before he was headed for the psyc ward in KC again,.. i've endured the hateful mouth, and the manic behavior,.. and i'm tired,... and i havent gotten a thank you,.... and i know i wont get one,..... but i still care about this person ewnough not to just walk away and leave him to his own selfdestructive devices.
         
         but i'm tired and i'm lonely,.... and thats that.

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            MissJamieDposted 10 years agoin reply to this

            Well I'm very sorry to hear about that. I really am. I can only imagine how tired you are. I feel for you. There are a million doctors out there that should be in prison, that's for sure.
            
            If you're tired you just need to cut your ties and move on. I'm sure you feel bad for him in a way but you can't kill yourself trying to help him if that's not where you want your life to be.
            
            i wish you the best of luck sweetie.

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            Kierstin Gunsbergposted 10 years agoin reply to this

            I know I just commented but I want to say again, that bi-polar disorder is really difficult and there's nothing wrong with you that you're having a hard time being in a relationship with this person. DUH. Unless someone has had a close relationship with a bi-polar person, they don't understand the emotional roller-coaster. You can still care about him while being broken up. But if you cheat and remain in the relationship, do you think that's really healthy for you? Really think about the decisions you're contemplating and how they'll affect you.

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   psycheskinnerposted 10 years ago

   Personally, yes I would blame you.  If being abstinent is a deal killer for you, and he would not agree to an open relationship, the relationship is in fact over.

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      wildernessposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      +1
      When a person lies to their spouse, implicitly or overtly, and particularly about big matters, there is no relationship left.  And you can't get much bigger than this as the vast majority of people take a very dim view of infidelity.

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3. 79

   stclairjackposted 10 years ago

   i supose i could try to justify my actions be explaining that he has withdrawn completely from me in the phisical sense,.. that i had to pitch a fit and remind him to kiss me after an entire weekend at my house,.. that i'm begining to resent being put into this rather craptastic position by his actions or lack there of,... that i feel as if there is nothing more to our relationship that monogamous laundry buddies one day a week,... but i wont.
   
   i came to the conclusion that our relationship had run its course about a year ago,.... but his phis & mental state this past 12 months have made a converstaion re; this all but impossible......... we've JUST now got the psyc meds straightend out, and the pain killers reduced to nill,... so that now, after months of turmoil, we're finaly making better sentances and we have a surgical consult at KU med at the end of this month,.... hopefully he will finaly qualify for surgury.
   
   i guess when it gets to cold hard truth,.... i just want to see him through this, and i fear that ending us right now would set him back farther than i could retreive him.... so instead i do what i do because i dont think BOTH of us should loose our minds, and i care to much to just "dump him" and walk away.
   
   and i'm sure none of that makes one bit of sense

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      wildernessposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      I've had two siblings go through the physical/mental instability problem, one on each side of the problem.  One marriage survived, one did not.
      
      Both (physical and mental) can be incredibly difficult to work through, but whether you remain with your husband indefinitely or not you WILL remain with yourself.  Make sure you can live with yourself after the dust has settled.

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      1. 79

         stclairjackposted 10 years agoin reply to this

         we arent married,... we see each other once a week, and he referes to me as his girlfriend..... and i'd hate myself more for abandoning him right now than i would for subcontracting affection,... thats the cold hard truth.
         
         he can hate me later if it comes to that,.... but i'd rather he hated me later, from a position of mental stability,... than to have been dumped like trash just because he couldnt do ONE thing..... if that makes me wierd or wrong then so be it.
         
         i'm wrong a lot,... i'm used to it. :-)

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4. 95

   Marketing Meritposted 10 years ago

   May I ask Stclairjack how you would feel if you discovered that your partner was presently being intimate with another woman?

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   1. 79

      stclairjackposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      if i were phisicaly unable to acomplish intamacy i would expect him to,.... if i were emotionaly detatched and and phisicaly withdrawn,... i'd expect him to..... i'm actualy a very open person,... and once again,... if that makes me wierd or wrong,... i'm used to being wierd and wrong.

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      1. 72

         galleryofgraceposted 10 years agoin reply to this

         Most bipolar meds block the patient from having any emotions and other meds block desires and sensations. If you love him you will wait it out. If its lust then you should leave.

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         1. 79

            stclairjackposted 10 years agoin reply to this

            yup

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5. 74

   healthyfitnessposted 10 years ago

   Don't cheat, just talk to him about it...

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   1. 79

      stclairjackposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      i say this smiling, not confrontational at all so please dont take it that way,.... but have you ever tried to have a conversation of that type with a bipolar person?.... especialy when he spends a year+ off his meds?.... i just spent the last 12 months riding his emotional/mental roller coaster, helping him get a new doctor, seeing him in and out of the psyc ward,... spending the nights with him while he DT'd from the pain killers the last quack had him loaded up with,... havent realy found an oprtunity for conversation in over a year, lol!.......
      
      its been a wild ride,... and i care about this person enough to ride it out with him,.... i'm just tired and lonely

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6. 89

   Zelkiiroposted 10 years ago

   Infidelity is always a dick move. No exceptions.

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   1. 79

      stclairjackposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      hard to argue with you,... i know
      
      i'm the dick,.... but i'm the lonely dick

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      1. 58

         Drive By Quipperposted 10 years agoin reply to this

         I've got a remedy for what ails you. Get over here, you horny slut!

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7. 61

   mirraposted 10 years ago

   Communication is key in any relationship. Infidelity is most times a deal breaker and he would be much more hurt by you cheating than either talking to him or ending things in a respectful way. It seems to me as if you are sticking around just to help him through a difficult situation, and correct me if i'm wrong, but it seems as if you are there as just a friend to lean on (since he doesn't even kiss you all weekend).
   
   It isn't fair to you that he isn't taking his meds and therefore you feel as if you cannot communicate with him. If you feel as if your needs are not being met, talk to him and see what the outcome is. If its a horrible one and you still are unhappy, then maybe being just friends would be better and finding a new relationship in which you are free to communicate.

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      stclairjackposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      point taken to heart,... i'm a big dumb chickenshit who hasnt found a way to have that conversation with him... i mean that,... its 90% my fault at this point because i dont have the stones to have this talk.

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8. 61

   mirraposted 10 years ago

   Good luck with everything.. I hope it all works out well for you. Gain the courage and I think you'll feel a lot better once it's all figured out

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9. 77

   Kathryn L Hillposted 10 years ago

   Here is my advice for anyone who is married: It actually applies to Stclairjack, if you are living with him or if you have ever lived with him, or if you have ever had sex with him, or if he considers you a loyal partner of some type. Could you ask him if you could date others? That is what I would do. If you think this would devastate him, read on. If it would not devastate him and he gives you permission and agrees you could still be friends, then don't bother reading the following advice.
    
   Advice for those who are either married or otherwise connected:
   1. Never, ever think you can get away with an affair. It WILL be discovered somehow, at some point.
   2. Could you really handle it, if your husband or anyone else finds out? (...say a child, relative, your in-laws and their family members?) 
        A. They could end up hating you or become severely disappointed in you.... lets say your father-in law dies after his whole family has discovered how you have been disloyal to their loved one. You will not be able to go to the funeral. In fact, you will never go to any family function with the love of these people, again.
        B. Your own family will think differently of you.
        C. You will not have the same joy you have now through all the connections and relationships this man has brought you.
   
   Sex is no substitute for what you now have with of all these people in your life.
   For their sake and your own, don't do it. I repeat: You will regret it and you will loose your life...on a psychological level.
   
   3.  Your so called "love" interest could become obsessed with you and could become possessive. You will get sick of the drama this causes your psyche.
         A.  He could become more and more demanding.
         B.  He may become weary of staying apart from you.
         C.  He could even turn into a stalker.
         D.  He may have a girlfriend on the side.
         E.  He could give you an STD.
              a. How will you explain that to your husband or significant other who now loves you and cares about your welfare... it won't be like that after the STD is discovered. He won't care so much about you any more.  If at all.
   Things to think about.

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10. 83

    donotfearposted 10 years ago

    I really can't believe anyone would put this out there....oh well.

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11. 79

    stclairjackposted 10 years ago

    yea,... it is indeed a strange thing to "put out there"...... thats why i did it
    
    its interesting what will get a rise out of the sheep,... thats why i put it out there,..... you see if i had posted a topic like,... say,... how will we handle the world wide famines after the new pope is elected and hands over the keys to the wprlds 1.2 billion catholic souls to the alien invaders after he declares women fit for the priesthood and sells the vatican bank to the buildergers,............. if i had posted THAT, this little thread would have 386 posts by now,.... at least 13 people would have gotten reported for rude or unrully behavior,... espresso sales woulda shot up on both coasts,...
    
    but i didnt,.... i posted something on a subject that happens all too often and is actualy real.... but posting it allowed the tiny HP world to cast judgement upon a subject they have the luxury of not fully understanding, and obviously no desire to read the full albeit tiny thread in order to gain full knowledge before posting.....
    
    but hey,.... glad ya'll got to feel better by casting judgement on others re; a situation you have the luxery of being completely ignorant of....
    
    your welcome,...... i consider it to be a public service,.... you didnt have to go to walmart and people watch to feel better about yourselves.
    
    damn,.... thats prob gona get me hate mail,.... but it felt FANTASTIC! lol!

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    1. 77

       Kathryn L Hillposted 10 years agoin reply to this

       One should be careful what one posts because everything one writes reflects who a person is and what they stand for.  We will never know if this scenario is a true one. The responders have been needlessly and unfairly given a finger lashing. Of, course when readers read the original forum post they believed it to be a true one.
       
       Speaking for my self, my post went above and beyond your particular issue because I wanted to make this point: Even a relationship (in which one is not married), can be about the same as when one is married, for many reasons. Usually... relationships are not bubbles unto themselves. You will affect others. And others will affect you in the long run.
       
       I was not, nor was anyone here, judging you. (Since, you are who we were addressing and not "others".) I was pointing out consequences for affairs which are usually done in secret. They do not remain secret for long.
       
       Glad this last post was FANTASTIC for you.
       It wasn't for us.

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12. 83

    dashingscorpioposted 10 years ago

    You said, " I truly care about him, and have no desire to leave him or dump him,... but between his back injury and his bipolar disorder, our love life is "cold". 
    There's nothing like a sexless relationship with an injured bipolar person to keep someone happy.
    (I can see why you want to stay!)
    
    Seriously though the goal of any cheater is to hold onto what is good in their "primary relationship" while addressing their other "needs" on the side.
    Having said that we all understand that cheating entails (secrecy), (deception), and (betrayal). It's not exactly the way to demonstrate one's (love) for their mate. In essence cheating is a cowardly selfish act committed by those of us that lack the courage to end one relationship (prior) to considering getting involved with someone new.
    
    The first lie a cheater tells is to him or herself. It's the lie of "justification". This allows the cheater to move forward in their activity with the least amount of (guilt) feelings.
    Clearly it's evident that your staying has more to do with you not having a "better option" at this moment. Odds are if a "great guy" came along offering passion, romance, and an opportunity better quality life.... you would jump on it! Some people treat relationships like jobs. They won't quit one until they have another one lined up. :-) 
    Anyone who is unhappy in a relationship and chooses to stay is by default (choosing) to remain unhappy.

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       stclairjackposted 10 years agoin reply to this

       at least you got it right,.. and i know,.. but i cant/wont fix it for now,.. but if i could vote for a best response,.. yours would be it'

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13. 77

    Kathryn L Hillposted 10 years ago

    If this guy won't   e v e r   marry you, just leave. Move out of town. Stop thinking you are so good for him. You probably aren't and ultimately he is just not that into you! (If this is even a true scenario, this is the additional advice I would give.)
    I do not believe anyone should stay with someone out of pity. At least give him the chance to find someone else.
    Stop wasting your life.
    I know this advice is unwanted and will be disregarded... so for what its worth.

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14. 72

    galleryofgraceposted 10 years ago

    I responded to her not so much as a way to help .  I know that many hubbers do this to glean information for hubs and articles.

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    1. 77

       Kathryn L Hillposted 10 years agoin reply to this

       Why can't they be honest and up front about it?
       
       (PS I really think she wanted her forbidden donut... we offered her wholesome vegetables. )

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15. 0

    ahorsebackposted 10 years ago

    This scenario is no surprise in todays world , after all its all about  lack of impulse control or accountability ! Consider this , who are you really cheating on by living the free life while attached at the ring finger ! Move out , move on stop hurting people , life is far too short !  Be accountable to "doing the right thing ".

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16. 56

    prettydarkhorseposted 10 years ago

    Nope, just nope. Don't do it.

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17. 0

    Beth37posted 10 years ago

    Pretty much 95% of my hubs deal with this subject. It sucks.

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18. 67

    ellemicheleposted 10 years ago

    I think that cheating is one of the most despicable things one can do to another person. Love and relationships are about getting through the tough times together. I've been cheated on before, and it is almost impossible to explain how worthless you feel once you find out. If you cheat on your boyfriend, you are telling him that he's not good enough for you. I think that you are making a big mistake if you go through with this.

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    1. 77

       Kathryn L Hillposted 10 years agoin reply to this

       I agree. Ever hear of broken heart.  What she is contemplating could actually affect the physical functioning of her boyfriend's heart... (married or not.)
       
       Maybe especially, if not married... In this case the behavioral pattern of  emotional withdrawal has not been observable. The less warning, the more hurt to the psyche.) It gets down to how emotions affect the body... science.
       Been there too.

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