A man cheats, Is it his fault or the other woman's

1. 96

   Cardisaposted 13 years ago

   Women tend to want to blame the other woman for the affair. They call them names, threaten and even attack them physically.
   
   Who's to blame?

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   1. 61

      TMMasonposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      They are both at fault. But the one in the relationship holds a lil more guilt, as they choose to betray their spouse, while the other may not even know their cohort is in a relationship.

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   2. 60

      dutchman1951posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      both are, takes two, and it is thier decision, not anyone else.

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   3. 66

      Greek Oneposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Both are dirty, dirty people and should be ashamed....
      
      but if a spouse cheats, the focus of the spouse who has been cheated upon should be on the person they are married to

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   4. 60

      jessyferari1posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Takes two to tango as the saying goes.. but it actually depends, because if its a situation where the woman does not know the man has a girlfrnd or wife see? she can't be at fault. But the problem starts with the man.

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      rjs25posted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Both are at Fault.  No matter what!!!!!!!!

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2. 70

   Cagsilposted 13 years ago

   Both are at fault. No one is right on either side.
   
   If the man instigates the situation, then he is wrong.
   If the man didn't instigate the situation, then he is still wrong, because he made the wrong choice.
   
   If the woman instigates the situation, then she is wrong.
   If the woman didn't instigate the situation, then she is still wrong, because she made the wrong choice.

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3. 60

   Stump Parrishposted 13 years ago

   There is a third possiblity. The blame could lie with the wife who was cheated on. If she devoted her time to making the man as miserable as possible. Could you really blame the man for looking for what his wife denied him at every turn. I am not defending the man or the other woman here, just presenting another possibility.

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   1. 67

      emievilposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      If that is the case, will cheating solve the problem? I mean if this happens, shouldn't the husband talk to the wife first and ask her to change? Or if that fails, separate from her or get a divorce?
      
      I don't blame the man for looking elsewhere but I think he should have tried to solve their (his and his wife) problem first before adding on to it by cheating on her.
      
      And for the OP, both are at fault because they didn't try to resist the temptation and they both entered into the relationship knowing that it is wrong in the first place.

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   2. 70

      Cagsilposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      No Stump. It doesn't work that way.
      
      He should end the relationship before he makes the choice to do the other.
      
      So, your option isn't viable or even realistic.

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   3. 60

      Disturbiaposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Stump, don't even go there.

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   4. 96

      Cardisaposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I don't agree with you Stump, cheating is wrong no matter the situation, get out or fix it!

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4. 60

   Stump Parrishposted 13 years ago

   Suppose he is staying where he is for the sake of his children? I am simply in the mood to play the devil's advocate tonight cagsil. sorry. I do know of people who have stayed in a bad relationship for that very reason.  Both male and female.

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   1. 70

      Cagsilposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      And, they are morons for doing so. The resentment for each other can actually do damage to their children.
      
      And, secondly, you can play devil's advocate all you choose. I'll still give it to you straight.

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   2. 76

      wildernessposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I've got to go with Cagsil on this one.  All of us, with the exception of a few swingers, have given our word to limit our relationships to our spouse.  No matter the reason for staying, until and unless both spouses agree that the other should have other relationships then he (or she) should not.
      
      Unless, apparently, he is a politician....

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      1. 70

         Cagsilposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         If s/he is a politician, then hypocrisy rules apply.

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   3. 67

      emievilposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      That's exactly what my father did. He stayed married to my mother for more than 30 years because of us, his children. But he never ever cheated on my mother and in the end, it was he who annulled their marriage.

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5. 77

   Shadesbreathposted 13 years ago

   Spider can't build a web without anchoring lines in at least three spots.

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   1. 70

      Cagsilposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Only YOU.

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6. 0

   klarawieckposted 13 years ago

   It takes two to....
                            ...tango

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   1. 59

      littlelacesecretposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      We are assuming she knew he was married. Maybe she is not responsible

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7. 54

   Brett.Tesolposted 13 years ago

   True. The 'other woman' may not have known he was married. The wife may have contributed to the mans actions and the man may just have not cared enough ... the situation variables are endless.
   
   I think it all depends on each unique situation, there are ideals of course, but this world is not perfect and neither are any of us (despite how much we may like to believe we are). Hence the 'second chance' idea.
   
   Just to get the other side of the argument, how about if this man was a woman? Do the same views and rules apply? Is the other man always to blame?
   
   I've known many a woman to cheat on their partner for comfort or excitement, but more often than not ... to secure another relationship first ... to be certain and 'secure' in the next relationship before moving away from their present partner (although, admittedly, all the women I've know to have done this ... have not been caught ... so far) Any views?

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   1. 0

      klarawieckposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      
      
      This only shows a very insecure woman, One that is afraid of being alone. I don't think it was meant to be a comment towards men that cheat. The roles are often reversed and it doesn't make it less of a crime. A cheating partner is still a cheating partner, regardless of the sex.

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8. 60

   Stump Parrishposted 13 years ago

   Last attempt casgil, honest. What if the guy is a republican?

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   1. 70

      Cagsilposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Hey Stump, look for my reply right after Wilderness' first post for my answer to your question. Hopefully you'll take it in stride.

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9. 65

   Lisa HWposted 13 years ago

   I'm sorry.  I blame the guy, and that's it. It's the guy who is responsible for his own actions and choices.  The girlfriend's role is a separate one, and how much blame goes to her might depend on whether she knows he's married.
   
   If a couple has some arrangement that they've agreed upon as far as staying together "for the kids" goes, the arrangement should be clear to both - in which case they could both agree (if they wanted) to see someone "on the side", without it really be "cheating".
   
   Somehow it seems to be so much in human nature (no matter what the deed or "crime" is) to somehow wangle things around to always find a way to make sure at least one woman gets blamed in one way or another, isn't it...  Look at this:  So far, I think I'm the only one who says that the guy is to blame.  If anyone is also to blame - separate issue, but the guy who cheats chose to cheat.  That's it.

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   1. 59

      OutWestposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Maybe the wife caused him to look for someone else.  Either way no one is blameless, that is of course assuming the mistress never knew the guy was married.  But that is a very big assumption.

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10. 66

    awareposted 13 years ago

    his of course. personal accountability  it seems is endangered and on the verge of  going extinct.
    ray

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11. 96

    Cardisaposted 13 years ago

    Hey guys, sorry I've not checked back sooner.
    
    I see we all have our opinions. This post was inspired by another post in this forum, where the woman was physically threatened.
    
    I believe that if the man deliberately lies to the the other woman, telling her he is unattached - he's to be blamed.
    
    If the other woman knows that the man is in a relationship, no matter how rocky, they are both to be blamed.
    
    Cheating is wrong no matter the circumstances!

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12. 59

    Bobbyben10posted 13 years ago

    I say the man is at more fault, depending on the other woman's marriage situation. If she is single, then through technicality she did nothing wrong. Morally however, she is extremely in the wrong. Though she has made no commitment to anybody, being a factor in somebody else breaking there's is almost just as wrong.
    
    The man has made a commitment and a promise, and he broke it, so I would say he is more at fault, though I'm not totally discounting the other woman by any means.

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13. 53

    ocbillposted 13 years ago

    it takes two for me as well. But some women will not get involved with a married man. If they do, they understand it is simply an affair. Most men will not leave their spouse for a woman they had an affair with. Why? Because that same woman will more than probably cheat on you later on. Arnies housekeeper knew what she was doing. Why the Governor wore no protection is beyond me. steroids maybe, I dunno.  Both dumb moves.

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14. 56

    vagaryposted 13 years ago

    Brand new to this, so be gentle.  If the man was happy and comfortable in the marriage, he would not be looking.  And if, by some miracle, the other woman threw herself at him, he would decline because he was not interested in taking a chance of ruining his marriage.  If the marriage is weak, the man would be flattered by the attention and probably have the affair.  I would have to lay the blame at the feet of the man, alone.

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15. 59

    trinketsposted 13 years ago

    It's a natural reaction I guess, to feel very angry but when everything settles down, it is important to reflect on what the real problem is. I don't think we should actually point a finger on whose to blame because it does take two to tanggo!

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16. 96

    Cardisaposted 13 years ago

    I'm saying if the 'other' woman knows the man is married or in a serious relationship, why go there. Here motive must either be to have a casual thing or to break them up.
    
    There is no way you can have a serious, meaningful relationship that is going somewhere with someone who's married unless you hope that he will leave his wife for you. In that case, you are wrong.
    
    If you are just having fun, you run the risk of ruining a relationship that might be going fine, in that case too you are wrong.
    
    The only way a woman is not held responsible is if she does not know. Even so, how ignorant can you be? You are in a relationship with a guy and you cannot go home with him, or call his house or openly date, meet his family? That makes no sense to me, you must have some idea who you are dating.

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17. 59

    Chaotic Chicaposted 13 years ago

    This is really about honor.  There are a load of variables that affect the answer but the spouse that cheated is the one who must accept the greatest amount of blame.  Unless you can prove that other party had knowledge of the marriage, that person is not to blame. 
    
    Case in point, I was three months pregnant when my boyfriend (the father) told me he got another girl pregnant and he was marrying her.  I have never held any ill-will towards her because I knew she was young, naive, and didn't know about me.  They're still married and we get along great.
    
    Now my ex-husband cheated on me while I was operating on auto pilot caring for our two children (fourteen months and four months old), the youngest of which had a bad case of colic.  Not only was he cheating (which he blamed on me for being tired), she would call the house and harrass me.  The blame was on both of them and I certainly held malicious thoughts about her.

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    1. 96

       Cardisaposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       I agree that if the woman knows, then both have to be held responsible.
       
       If the man lives with someone even if they are not married, I have to wonder at the kind of relationship she thinks she is having. Even if he did not tell her that he lives with someone, shouldn't she be curious about his home?
       
       What I'm saying is, it is also your responsibility as female to know every thing about a man before entering into any kind of relationship. If he refuse to take you home be suspicious.
       
       Women are built with a sixth sense, use it.

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       1. 59

          Chaotic Chicaposted 13 years agoin reply to this

          That is very good advise, indeed!
          
          In regards to case in point number one, we were both active duty military so we had our own barracks rooms that we were able to retreat to so he was able to bring her over when I was on duty or working the night shift.  She had no reason to suspect.

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          1. 96

             Cardisaposted 13 years agoin reply to this

             In that case, he was the sneaky one, I don't blame her.

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                Chaotic Chicaposted 13 years agoin reply to this

                LOL!  Neither did I.  I still don't even after eleven years.  She's a fantastic step mom to my  {our} first born son. 

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18. 78

    AEvansposted 13 years ago

    The person who instigated it, would be accountable. However there are also two sides to a story, the woman or man should address there spouse, significant other, etc. and find out how the breakdown of the relationship actually occurred without placing blame upon another person.

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19. 0

    klarawieckposted 13 years ago

    It's always the man's fault!

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20. 60

    Disturbiaposted 13 years ago

    I blame society, it's everybody's fault. Monogamy is not natural. If it were, it wouldn't require so much work, and there wouldn't be so many "cheaters" around. It's an unrealistic expectation, based on some religious premis. One of society's rule that must be followed to keep order.

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