Dealing with insecurity concerning intimacy.

1. 51

   Terrusposted 12 years ago

   I'm not usually one to turn to the internet for help, but this question bears asking. I'm currently involved in a relationship that's been going on for just under six months. Recently sex became a serious question, and my partner has driven me into a strange place. Initially, she was the primary half of the relationship pushing for us to take the step to a sexual level, though I understand now that she was doing this because she worried she wasn't satisfying me, as opposed to an assured want of her own. I had no issue with providing, though I had not suggested much. Unfortunately, when the time came, nerves set in and emotions were questioned, and she decided she wasn't ready. The issues start here, because now she's beating herself up over not sleeping with me. I have tried to explain that it doesn't bother me, and I want to move at her pace, but it doesn't really seem to work.
   
   In short, I responded eagerly to my girlfriend's suggestion that we bring our relationship to a sexual level as she made it seem to me that she wanted sex. As it later turned out, she didn't so much want sex as she worried that our relationship has gone nearly half a year and still hasn't become sexual and that she would lose me. Also unfortunately, by responding as I did to her initial notion, I inadvertently confirmed her fears that I wanted sex very badly, and was simply hanging on to the relationship for a little longer before my feelings were outweighed by hormones. Worse yet, still being a virgin, my girl is nervous and unsure about sex, and isn't ready for sex at the moment. This has caused her to be upset with herself for not sleeping with me, and left me to feel awful for somehow causing a woman I really quite enjoy emotional pain over not wanting to have sex /right now/. Is there any way to deal with this situation that can help with the damage already caused?

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2. 61

   janesixposted 12 years ago

   six MONTHS??

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   1. 51

      Terrusposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Aye, six months. I'm apparently one of very few who doesn't think sex is something that should be rushed towards. I fully understand and agree it is important, but I also think that readiness is important; especially as I'm dating a girl who was freshly 18 and coming out of an extremely conservative household at the beginning of the relationship.

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      1. 0

         Beth37posted 12 years agoin reply to this

         Back off.

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         1. 51

            Terrusposted 12 years agoin reply to this

            Well, that's what I'm trying to do, but she just thinks that I'm ignoring what I want in an attempt to make up for some failing on her part. The issue isn't so much with the lack of sex as her putting herself down for the lack of it.

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            1. 81

               Kathryn L Hillposted 12 years agoin reply to this

               ...continue to date her without worrying about sex. If you want to marry her in a couple of years based on your true love and friendship, propose. if she says no, she is just not that into you.

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3. 76

   wildernessposted 12 years ago

   Yes.  Print your original post and give it to her.  Tell her where you put it and why.
   
   Encourage a good laugh at the insecurity of two people that both care about the other and don't want them hurt or lost.
   
   Suggest the you both continue on, recognizing that each cares a great deal and should not be so ready to take offense or do things either is uncomfortable with.

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