My name is Sona, I got married to my boyfriend in Feb 2011. We were extremely happy for the first year. We both took out time for each other. Did activities together . went out on small vacations, partying etc.
I adore him. I have always wholeheartedly supported my husband in everything that he wants to do, not only mentally or emotionally but financially as well. I am more educated than my husband and ear more too, hence I share most of the household expenses. He wanted to pursue a certification, I paid for that too and encouraged him. Inspite of the job, yet I take out time to cook for him, clean the house etc. Everything was going fabulously, when suddenly about a year back he said he does not love me any more and wanted a divirce. I asked him for the reason, an explanation, but he gave none. He just said that I don’t love you any more. He treated me very badly for about a month. Said very hurtful things and ignored me totally. I begged and beseeched, but he left me and shifted to another apartment. This step hurt me beyond words.
After he left me, I stopped talking to him totally, I felt extremely betrayed. Suddenly after a few months he returned back on his own. Apologized and said he took this step under extreme parental pressure. I accepted him back and forgave him. Life was good after that, though we had occasional fights. But my husband never tried to make it up to me. He never did anything special ( which he used to do before)
When we were still picking up the pieces and building our marriage once again, another twist happened. My husband had to go to another country for job purpose. He is gone for a week and I feel lonely. At times I miss him so much that it makes me cry. He has gone for two months. I miss him so much that I text him, mail him and call him but he seldom does. Though he responds to my messages, but he never messages me. He has not even once told me that he misses me. I’m scared, if he starts loving his new found freedom then he may never consider taking me along with him there. Is there any way in which I can make him think about me? Miss me? What should I do at this juncture? I love my husband and our marriage and staying apart like this is killing me.
What should u do. Please help!!
Lets looks at a few of (your) statements: "He just said that (I don’t love you) any more." "I begged and beseeched, but (he left me) and shifted to another apartment." "I accepted him back and forgave him. But my husband (never) tried to make it up to me. He (never) did anything special." "He has gone for two months. Though he (responds) to my messages, but he (never) messages me. He has (not) even once told me that he misses me."
Shonna, I think if you review your own words you can see that your husband is not behaving like a man who is "in love" with his wife! You can't make someone love you or miss you. Your husband may be dating someone else. Either way it's evident that he is just not that into you. Now the real question is: Why do you want to be married to someone who does not want to be married to you? Don't you think you deserve better?
The underlying definition of "soul mates" is two people who share the same values, want the same things for the relationship/marriage, naturally agree on how to obtain them, and last but not least have a (mutual) depth of love and respect for one another! In order for him to be "the one" he would have see (you) as being "the one". It does not sound like you two are "soul mates".
As painful as this may be for you it is time to remove the "rose colored glasses" and start mentally preparing for a life without your husband. Trust me it won't be the end of the world! Thankfully there are over 7 billion people who live on this planet. Odds are in your favor that quite a few men would love and appreciate you for who you are! Every ending is a new beginning. Best of luck!
Im so sorry you're going thru this. I have so much advise for you, but too much advise can be irritating and repetitive so I will just pray you will know your value. You have great worth to God and to your fellow man. Please don't allow one person to decide your value, even if you love that person. Stand alone for a while and learn who you are outside of this relationship.
Sometimes, a man will start seeing a woman in a new light when she gains some confidence in herself and stop being needy.
My advice would be to not call or contact him. Go out, enjoy your life without him. Meet new friends and start dating. If he cares about you he will start taking notice.
Some men take women for granted because they know you will always be there to forgive and take them back. If he has feelings for you and want a marriage he will notice that you don't need him and it will affect him. Don't be so needy, let him know you are fine without him by taking care of yourself.
And the next time he comes back send back to his apartment.
Any relationship with challenges is most likely a normal relation of growth. Allegorically one may ask who is the gardener and who is the garden? I do not know how to recommend a solution to personal feelings regarding needs other than a recommendation. A book written by C.S. Lewis titled the Four Loves does a very fine job of explaining the exchange between Need-Love and Give-Love with several chapters of focus. Of course the book prefaces a meaning with understandings for Love with definitions too.
Even though the book does speak from the christian mindset as written by a christian thinker and is near to scholastic in genre and style, the concept of love having two dimensions - Need Love and Give Love, offers opportunity with an understandable language. We may see that in fact, yet is subject to individual thought, that there are three entities within the Love Relationship, especially upon the rite or passage of marriage at a content and context of religious and/or spiritual. There is the entity with both the Need of Love and the Giving of Love as the wife, the husband, and the whole or the bonded relationship.
Ponder each is an element or a molecule having dimensions unique to their self. Some of those needs are common like a molecule or atom with its surrounding shell of electrons. Some are unlike. The molecules form a compound by a bond. Those bonds are the sharing of electrons with each molecule. Each molecule may need something and the other may be able to meet that need. Or, there is a Need-Love and that need is met with a Give-Love. Or, the sharing of electrons.
As an example focus on the concept of being missed. This is speculative of course, however that need of feeling missed is met. Again, the Need-Love is met with a Give-Love. Since at best for most Love is a concept which can be defined, yet never explained, we may propose questions. Could that Need-Love felt or expressed as missing another that is met quite simply be met with more than enough? When this occurs is there an imbalance sort to speak and a desire is provoked to Give-Love? If that Give-Love is not rejected, although not responded to, could we say in a sense we simply do not know what happen to that Give-Love?
More questions come to mind. If the Love received as Give-Love is not necessary or now there are too many electrons, would the action of Give-Love follow, yet maybe that "Love," which is a concept, be shared or given elsewhere in another form.
Or, another view is when the Need-Love expressed as missing someone is met and possibly abundantly does the overflow (thy cup runneth over) have to flow toward the source of the Give-Love? Or, could that "Love" be given to any "another," even if an organization such as a church activity like teaching Sunday School, volunteering, business, a hobby, perhaps a pet, and etc. not fulfill that desire or opportunity to "Give-Love", which has been abundantly filled as a result of a "Need-Love?"
C.S. Lewis continues with this book sharing about the object of Love. If the object of Love is the spouse and no other the opportunity for Love to be meet the requirements of "Need-Love" become very limited. The focus is upon the spouse as the object of Love. As the "Need-Love" is met and possibly becomes abundant (thy cup runneth over) and the spouse does not have a "Need-Love" condition, then is the "Give-Love" being received over abundant? Or, what does that spouse do with the abundance of Love? A question is not Love fulfillment enough and only followed as Need-Love arises to be met by a spouse as "Give-Love" openly and freely? And, what of the "Need-Love" and "Give-Love" dynamic with the relationship. Does the relationship itself not have these dimensions for and of Love too?
There in enters the relationship with the source of All Love. And, that becomes controversial with religious views as well as those of spirituality and even non-supernatural belief systems. However, for this humble discussion let us say the relationship a separate and unique entity of two unique entities is in balance with "Need-Love" being met with "Give-Love." Could we presume or say that the relationship or the whole may indeed be abundant with Give-Love by a source of All Love?
How does one then balance the relationship with the abundance of Love (thy cup runneth over)? Could we say that one spouse or the other, which each is a unique individual and a part of a unique whole, be the source of abundant Love? What object, be that a human organism, organism(s) such as a garden or pet, or a collection of organisms be that an organization, which has a "Need-Love" does that abundance of "Give-Love" available through a spouse, the agency of the relationship, be sought?
We may see the feelings of rejection are feelings and not rejection as the "Need-Love" is being met and may be abundant. The source of the "Give-Love" or the other spouse really has not a "Need-Love" therefore the other spouse of the relationships offers or presents the "Give-Love" to another in various forms such as friendship (Philia) being one form of the discussed Four Loves and possibly another form like sisterly or brotherly (Agape) is the source for a "Need-Love".
In summary of this speculative discussion open to thought, critique, and pondering an overall view may be "Love is in abundance" and the overflow (thy cup runneth over) may not have a source or a "Need-Love" to present that overflow of "Give-Love."
Picture a well pumping water into a bucket. That bucket feeds what with the overflow? The bucket is the relationship and has a "Need-Love" being met by a "Give-Love" coming from the spout of the well and the source is known or unknown, yet we may call it All Love. The bucket has two spouts somewhere on it. Each spout is a spouse. They may be equal in height or unequal in height based on their uniqueness and "Need-Love" and "Give-Love" requirements, tolerances, or choose a word you like. (I don't like either, yet they fulfill the discussion).
The point is both has opportunity to "Give-Love" to a cup or vessel with a "Need-Love" as or when their is an abundance of Love within the bucket and a "Need-Love" is presented. In essence if we pipe the "Give-Love" back into the bucket we see questions. Is the "Need-Love" being met by a "Give-Love" and is the system in of itself now a closed system without a "Need-Love" from another source we decided to call All Love. The bucket cannot be filled by the source known as All Love unless one or both of the unique spouts are opened to allow the abundance to flow to another vessel.
Sometimes a relationship simply is abundant with or of Love. Understanding or having a definition of or for Love that is agreed upon by both spouses is favorable. Yet, most assuredly Love can never be explained in this author's view. Sometimes that Love is abundant within one of this treatises chosen definitions presented by C.S. Lewis book the Four Loves. Or, abundance of Love may be of any of these:
Storage - Affectionate Love
Philia - Friendship Love
Eros - Romantic Love
Agape - Unconditional or Sisterly / Brotherly Love
However, each does have propensity of "Need-Love" and "Gift-Love." Again, where, as within christian thought and other religions or philosophies, as a good steward of abundance, does one focus or present the abundance as "Give-Love". And, too discover "Give-Love" when a "Need-Love" occurs for each entity or spouse and the relationship as a whole.
Sharing on a personal note, the "Need-Love" of this author writing openly is met with a "Give-Love" by another or being within language today a significant other and too, the relationship. That person does not always have a "Need-Love" condition. Even though I my offer or present "Give-Love" it really does not have a "Need-Love" awaiting and vice-versa. So, the focus I present a "Give-Love" is to the garden I care for. And without being miraculous that significant other takes delight with witnessing that act of "Give-Love," even though the garden is the recipient having a "Need-Love" fulfilled.
The significant other does have such an outlet or "water bucket spout" too. The object of the "Give-Love" is the garden, yet the source is the "relationship" and its propensity to "Give-Love." And, that relationship of two unique individuals with an ebb and flow between "Give-Love and Need-Love" are really never in perfect balance. If they were, then again it would be a closed system and the bucket would not ever need filling and, too, never open the spouts to offer "Give-Love" to another vessel.
I apologize for the length seeking sharing an explanation. I too have the hope there is not any offense taken with regard to examples. And, I thank you for the opportunity for this authored work as a thought exercise, confirmation of belief(s), and hopefully answering a question . . .
There is no way do to what you want ! You can't make someone do what they don't want to ! So often a one sided relationship goes this way , where one invests way more than the other . I honestly believe you need to center your attention around making YOU happy , find you and find a way to be happy inside yourself ! With yourself , all too often we center that process on another one outside of us ! We expect that by loving someone they will give us what we need back ! In the process we give up our own identity . Good luck and bless you !
IMHO these sad stories as an opening post are normally a sign of a spammer trying to slip under the radar.
Yeah, that was my first instinct, but how does it benefit them to post on the forum first?
On many forums it can get them out of post moderation and gives them a window of opportunity. On this forum I doubt it does them any good as new members can post straight away
First off men are extremely easy to understand... However Society wants you to believe otherwise.. We as humans at the most fundamental part of our brain are of the animal kingdom... again society wants us to believe otherwise... So hold on to your hat... Men want three things from their mate in order of importance... Feed me, f--- me and be quite... that is the male, Period ask any male to answer you honestly and that is their answer... All the rest of it in a relationship is window dressing to a male, not important to him unless it is leading him to food, sex and for you to shut up.. This may seem harsh, (not meant to be) just the truth... Feed him, F--- him and stop talking and he will stay with you forever !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Honest and handsome too!
It takes a little practice but women can figure it out if they want to.
Men like an easy going woman...that's the shut up part.
They want to be fed.
And though they don't like you to be too easy, they want to be satisfied.
I personally like it when a man has a modicum of intelligence... like when he knows the difference between "quiet" and "quite", but that's me.
Could be a typo Beth. I often type quite for quiet. Just saying........I don't always point out a person's flaws.
Oh Im sorry, my tone was missed there. It was a tone of disgust at his comment. I didn't like it so I was rude.
lol...I know Beth...I still think he's cute...lol
According to my fiance he's right though. When I asked my fiance what he wants from a woman he basically told me the same thing...lol
Some men are less sensitive than others. Some are pure physical while others are more in tuned with what women really want. Some men live to please their spouses while other live to please themselves. I won't say which one he is but my fiance "is" learning to please me. He wasn't always like that
However, you might be better off *without* him.
Some marriages go through tough times.
In your situation, it sounds like the two of you have not worked out a good communication style. Maybe if you thought of your partner as a friend, then you might talk and text him about different issues--besides your fear of being left alone.
That's the message he gets. He's lack of responses seem to say he doesn't know how to handle your fears.
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