Any relationship with challenges is most likely a normal relation of growth. Allegorically one may ask who is the gardener and who is the garden? I do not know how to recommend a solution to personal feelings regarding needs other than a recommendation. A book written by C.S. Lewis titled the Four Loves does a very fine job of explaining the exchange between Need-Love and Give-Love with several chapters of focus. Of course the book prefaces a meaning with understandings for Love with definitions too.
Even though the book does speak from the christian mindset as written by a christian thinker and is near to scholastic in genre and style, the concept of love having two dimensions - Need Love and Give Love, offers opportunity with an understandable language. We may see that in fact, yet is subject to individual thought, that there are three entities within the Love Relationship, especially upon the rite or passage of marriage at a content and context of religious and/or spiritual. There is the entity with both the Need of Love and the Giving of Love as the wife, the husband, and the whole or the bonded relationship.
Ponder each is an element or a molecule having dimensions unique to their self. Some of those needs are common like a molecule or atom with its surrounding shell of electrons. Some are unlike. The molecules form a compound by a bond. Those bonds are the sharing of electrons with each molecule. Each molecule may need something and the other may be able to meet that need. Or, there is a Need-Love and that need is met with a Give-Love. Or, the sharing of electrons.
As an example focus on the concept of being missed. This is speculative of course, however that need of feeling missed is met. Again, the Need-Love is met with a Give-Love. Since at best for most Love is a concept which can be defined, yet never explained, we may propose questions. Could that Need-Love felt or expressed as missing another that is met quite simply be met with more than enough? When this occurs is there an imbalance sort to speak and a desire is provoked to Give-Love? If that Give-Love is not rejected, although not responded to, could we say in a sense we simply do not know what happen to that Give-Love?
More questions come to mind. If the Love received as Give-Love is not necessary or now there are too many electrons, would the action of Give-Love follow, yet maybe that "Love," which is a concept, be shared or given elsewhere in another form.
Or, another view is when the Need-Love expressed as missing someone is met and possibly abundantly does the overflow (thy cup runneth over) have to flow toward the source of the Give-Love? Or, could that "Love" be given to any "another," even if an organization such as a church activity like teaching Sunday School, volunteering, business, a hobby, perhaps a pet, and etc. not fulfill that desire or opportunity to "Give-Love", which has been abundantly filled as a result of a "Need-Love?"
C.S. Lewis continues with this book sharing about the object of Love. If the object of Love is the spouse and no other the opportunity for Love to be meet the requirements of "Need-Love" become very limited. The focus is upon the spouse as the object of Love. As the "Need-Love" is met and possibly becomes abundant (thy cup runneth over) and the spouse does not have a "Need-Love" condition, then is the "Give-Love" being received over abundant? Or, what does that spouse do with the abundance of Love? A question is not Love fulfillment enough and only followed as Need-Love arises to be met by a spouse as "Give-Love" openly and freely? And, what of the "Need-Love" and "Give-Love" dynamic with the relationship. Does the relationship itself not have these dimensions for and of Love too?
There in enters the relationship with the source of All Love. And, that becomes controversial with religious views as well as those of spirituality and even non-supernatural belief systems. However, for this humble discussion let us say the relationship a separate and unique entity of two unique entities is in balance with "Need-Love" being met with "Give-Love." Could we presume or say that the relationship or the whole may indeed be abundant with Give-Love by a source of All Love?
How does one then balance the relationship with the abundance of Love (thy cup runneth over)? Could we say that one spouse or the other, which each is a unique individual and a part of a unique whole, be the source of abundant Love? What object, be that a human organism, organism(s) such as a garden or pet, or a collection of organisms be that an organization, which has a "Need-Love" does that abundance of "Give-Love" available through a spouse, the agency of the relationship, be sought?
We may see the feelings of rejection are feelings and not rejection as the "Need-Love" is being met and may be abundant. The source of the "Give-Love" or the other spouse really has not a "Need-Love" therefore the other spouse of the relationships offers or presents the "Give-Love" to another in various forms such as friendship (Philia) being one form of the discussed Four Loves and possibly another form like sisterly or brotherly (Agape) is the source for a "Need-Love".
In summary of this speculative discussion open to thought, critique, and pondering an overall view may be "Love is in abundance" and the overflow (thy cup runneth over) may not have a source or a "Need-Love" to present that overflow of "Give-Love."
Picture a well pumping water into a bucket. That bucket feeds what with the overflow? The bucket is the relationship and has a "Need-Love" being met by a "Give-Love" coming from the spout of the well and the source is known or unknown, yet we may call it All Love. The bucket has two spouts somewhere on it. Each spout is a spouse. They may be equal in height or unequal in height based on their uniqueness and "Need-Love" and "Give-Love" requirements, tolerances, or choose a word you like. (I don't like either, yet they fulfill the discussion).
The point is both has opportunity to "Give-Love" to a cup or vessel with a "Need-Love" as or when their is an abundance of Love within the bucket and a "Need-Love" is presented. In essence if we pipe the "Give-Love" back into the bucket we see questions. Is the "Need-Love" being met by a "Give-Love" and is the system in of itself now a closed system without a "Need-Love" from another source we decided to call All Love. The bucket cannot be filled by the source known as All Love unless one or both of the unique spouts are opened to allow the abundance to flow to another vessel.
Sometimes a relationship simply is abundant with or of Love. Understanding or having a definition of or for Love that is agreed upon by both spouses is favorable. Yet, most assuredly Love can never be explained in this author's view. Sometimes that Love is abundant within one of this treatises chosen definitions presented by C.S. Lewis book the Four Loves. Or, abundance of Love may be of any of these:
Storage - Affectionate Love
Philia - Friendship Love
Eros - Romantic Love
Agape - Unconditional or Sisterly / Brotherly Love
However, each does have propensity of "Need-Love" and "Gift-Love." Again, where, as within christian thought and other religions or philosophies, as a good steward of abundance, does one focus or present the abundance as "Give-Love". And, too discover "Give-Love" when a "Need-Love" occurs for each entity or spouse and the relationship as a whole.
Sharing on a personal note, the "Need-Love" of this author writing openly is met with a "Give-Love" by another or being within language today a significant other and too, the relationship. That person does not always have a "Need-Love" condition. Even though I my offer or present "Give-Love" it really does not have a "Need-Love" awaiting and vice-versa. So, the focus I present a "Give-Love" is to the garden I care for. And without being miraculous that significant other takes delight with witnessing that act of "Give-Love," even though the garden is the recipient having a "Need-Love" fulfilled.
The significant other does have such an outlet or "water bucket spout" too. The object of the "Give-Love" is the garden, yet the source is the "relationship" and its propensity to "Give-Love." And, that relationship of two unique individuals with an ebb and flow between "Give-Love and Need-Love" are really never in perfect balance. If they were, then again it would be a closed system and the bucket would not ever need filling and, too, never open the spouts to offer "Give-Love" to another vessel.
I apologize for the length seeking sharing an explanation. I too have the hope there is not any offense taken with regard to examples. And, I thank you for the opportunity for this authored work as a thought exercise, confirmation of belief(s), and hopefully answering a question . . .
tim
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