Why are men so shy when approaching women?

1. 74

   realtalk247posted 10 years ago

   A friend and I had a conversation pertaining to men's lack of courage when approaching a woman to date or meet.  So I conducted an experiment. On a random afternoon I had a lunch at a popular crowded restaurant.  On my way out I decided to prove that there is no reason to be shy or lack confidence when approaching someone.  So.................
   
   On my way out I said hello and gave a hug to someone sitting at the bar alone. He reciprocated hugging me back with the widest smile.  I said: "Steve right?"  He replied no. I replied OMG, I am so embarrassed.  He said no need to be embarrassed, "Let me buy you a drink or at least we can sit and have lunch together."  I thanked him for the invitation and left.
   
   So I called my friend and asked the question?  Why am I more confident than you when encountering other people?  So my friend told me he couldn't believe I did that.  I told him it beats staring, being intimidated, and letting fear of rejection overcome an opportunity. 
   
   Any thoughts guys?

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      Rad Manposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      LOL, so you flirted with this guy until he was able to get up the courage to ask you if you were interested as an experiement and then you left.
      
      Then you wonder why guys are shy?

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         realtalk247posted 10 years agoin reply to this

         It was a case of "mistaken identity" but my confidence in myself, warm approach, resulted in an instant invitation to join this man for lunch.  The lesson is in my boldness an ability to make a situation happen. The guy could have been uninterested, taken, or perhaps just not wanting to talk but what I didn't do is sit and play 50 scenarios in my head rather than going for it. 
         I conducted this experiment to share with a guy friend of mine to say.................that's how you make things happen instead of being a spectator in the game. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

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      Kathryn L Hillposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Because guys know the truth behind their motives!
      Girls are never flattered by those motives.
      Maybe guys are.

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         Rad Manposted 10 years agoin reply to this

         But if a guy looks a certain way then they are flattered and responsive. When I was younger I'd been out and about with enough friends to know that girls are the ones that do the picking. Guys making the first move will almost alway be put down, unless they have a special appeal. Most girls going to bars have no intention of meeting anyone, but enjoy being chased with their friends. Girls pick unless the guy is exceptional.

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2. 72

   dashingscorpioposted 10 years ago

   If a guy did what you did most women would assume it was (his) "pickup" line or technique! They'd think he was full of it.
   
   Secondly men are far less likely to consider it "harassment" if a strange woman attempted to hug them. Lastly while women are (use) to being "hit on" when they step out it's still a thrill for most men to have an attractive woman approach them or initiate flirting. This treatment is usually reserved for rich and famous men who are either athletes or entertainers. Most men have never been hit on by a "hot" looking woman. They'd welcome it!
   
   I suspect one of the reasons some guys watch porn or go to strip clubs is because the women in these venues are oftentimes more aggressive towards approaching men, making (them) the center of attention, and acting like they can't get enough of them. It's a fantasy that is different from the relationships and marriages they have in real life.
   
   Both men and women hate rejection. It's not just a (fear) of rejection. They're (tired) of it. Men and women reject one another differently.
   
   Women use "direct rejection"  in response to being approached or asked out by saying "no". Men use "indirect rejection" by opting (NOT) to approach a woman. You see this often when there are two or more women sitting at a table in a nightclub and a man (chooses) one of them to ask for a dance. Essentially he (rejected) the idea of approaching  the other women sitting with her. Naturally those women don't feel rejected unless (they've had their eye on him)
   
   Most men (eventually) get used to rejection and take it in stride. They simply move on to the next woman. They see the whole thing as a "numbers game". If they approach enough women eventually some are going to say "yes".
   
   Naturally there are some shy men. Who check out women but don't approach them. They may have "assumed" she's (spoken for), would not likely want to date them, or they themselves are (already in a relationship/marriage) and they're simply just partaking in some "eye candy".
   
   There is a segment of single women who are frustrated because men aren't approaching them. In their eyes something is "wrong" with men. And yet other women  aren't having a problem at all with men hitting on them!
   
   Attractive women who come off as warm, friendly, and engaging are more likely to be approached than those who have their nose up in the air, seem serious, and dismissive. If someone doesn't smile, seem happy, engaging, positive, or in a good mood people tend to avoid them. Most of these shy men are (watching) how this woman behaves with others including her girlfriends. Looking dead serious is rarely inviting at all.
   
   Nevertheless even those women are frustrated over the fact that men aren't approaching them will still use an excuse for why they won't  approach men they're attracted to. They fear rejection or they worry about what the man might think.  In other instances it's there own (ego) that keeps them from approaching guys or they've put down women who came onto men and therefore they can't turn around and do it themselves!
   
   Flirting has become a "lost art". There used to be ( queues) or "understood signals" women gave men that silently showed their interest in a particular man. The man was intuitive enough to pick up on the signal and he would approach her. Today not many women know how to flirt and even fewer men recognize when a woman is flirting with them.
   In this day and age everyone is looking for a "sure thing". A woman has to almost walk around with a sign around her neck stating she's available and wants to go out with a guy.

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      realtalk247posted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Dashingscorpio you always have great points!
       
      Flirting is a "lost art."  A shy smile and holding extended eye contact used to serve as an unspoken "welcome" sign for the opposite sex. 
      
      Sometimes the environment also makes a difference. When in a high ratio environment (woman vs. men) the opposite sex can take a back seat and expect women to chase. 
      
      On the rejection piece for men I can imagine it must be tiresome but if you read a woman's signal or interest level then you will understand her interest or lack thereof.  I've experienced men making non-committal introductions in an effort to determine if I'm signaling them to touch down on the runway or if I want them to go away.  For example, stopping to complement me on my outfit in passing but evaluating my response.  If it's friendly and they are interested, in a social environment, they return later to have additional conversation if I respond warmly and inviting.  On the other hand if I appeared rude or disinterested it would be their signal to move and they could save face by their approach.
      
      My thought is rejection is not a rejection of who you are or your significance/importance in this world. No one has the ability to make you feel inferior or bad about yourself unless you give them permission to do so.  If someone rejects you they can't devalue or diminish your importance.  I'm just saying.

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3. 60

   Zelkiiroposted 10 years ago

   Because they may or may not be interested in a relationship? Or maybe you don't want to ruin a perfectly good friendship with such a risky thing like a relationship?
   
   If not taking that risk means I'll still be able to talk with her and spend time with her, then why risk throwing it all away if she's not interested? The Friend-Zone may be a lonely place, but it's far better than the Scorned-Zone.

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4. 68

   psycheskinnerposted 10 years ago

   Well, like anyone, guys don't like rejection.
   
   And at any given moment in a public place a women is probably not thinking about find a new mate, so "cold calling" leads to rejection most of the time.
   
   It helps to be able to read the body language of people and see whether they are actually interested.

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      Sed-meposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Im going to design personal cocoons for those like me who appear to be friendly and outgoing, but in fact are closed off to the whole world. Can I ship you one for $19.95? The second one is free!

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         bBereanposted 10 years agoin reply to this

         Double bagger?  What is the reason for needing TWO cocoons?

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            Sed-meposted 10 years agoin reply to this

            In case you accidentally get friendly and turn into a butterfly. This could happen to anyone, it's not your fault, but we have to be prepared. If you do respond in an outgoing and personable way, just acknowledge what you've done, stop immediately, turn your back on the "aggressor" as I like to call friendly ppl, and walk to the trunk of your car. The first cocoon will slough off as your walking since you've broken it, no need to unzip, and will disintegrate by the time you get the second suit out of your trunk. Just don't make the same mistake again. The process starts getting a little slimy after the second suit.

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               bBereanposted 10 years agoin reply to this

               You've put a lot of thought into this.  Just $19.95 for two, you say?  How much for the combined shipping?  One has to be careful when things sound too good to be true.

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                  Sed-meposted 10 years agoin reply to this

                  There is no shipping... we strap them to the legs of butterflies, who fly them to your doorstep. If a drone doesn't shoot them down, they should arrive in 4-5 days, anywhere in the continental US.

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                     bBereanposted 10 years agoin reply to this

                     I find your use of butterflies for shipping controversial.  I heard one wrong flap of a wing could cause a storm somewhere else in the world.  Seems risky to encourage them to fly any more than absolutely necessary.

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                        Sed-meposted 10 years agoin reply to this

                        Aston Kutcher is our spokesman.

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                           bBereanposted 10 years agoin reply to this

                           Sounds like a plot to control the world.

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                              psycheskinnerposted 10 years agoin reply to this

                              I welcome our new Butterfly overlords.
                              I'll take two orders of the cocoons, one in pink and one in camo.

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                                 bBereanposted 10 years agoin reply to this

                                 I like your style.  Of course, there is always pink camo.

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                                    psycheskinnerposted 10 years agoin reply to this

                                    Blasphemy!
                                    
                                    Unless one is trying to blend into a Barbie Dream Castle.

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                                       bBereanposted 10 years agoin reply to this

                                       ...or storm the Barbie Dream Castle.

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                                          psycheskinnerposted 10 years agoin reply to this

                                          We have, quite accidentally, ended up back on topic(-ish).

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                                             bBereanposted 10 years agoin reply to this

                                             Lol.  I guess we have, but when you look at it that way, I agree the pink camo is out. 

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                                       Sed-meposted 10 years agoin reply to this

                                       We also sell Barbie dream castles, only our Barbie is a hermit and wont leave the castle. I hope you don't mind Ken floating face down in the moat. He tried to scale the wall... this Barbie has some issues.

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                                          bBereanposted 10 years agoin reply to this

                                          No kidding.  Rumor has it the toll so far is two Ken's, a GIJoe and Woody from Toy Story.  Don't be fooled by there just being the one Ken currently floating.  If you look closely below the draw bridge you will notice an army boot and a cowboy hat.  Wait...what is that?   This may be worse than I thought...I think I see a utility belt!

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                                             Sed-meposted 10 years agoin reply to this

                                             Utility belt? That was Steve Austin, Barbie was tempted to lower the bridge for him.

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                                                bBereanposted 10 years agoin reply to this

                                                I don't think so.  There appears to be a shred, torn from a cape, caught in the clasp.

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                                                   Sed-meposted 10 years agoin reply to this

                                                   Was the cape yellow or black? From my recollection, the yellow caped one wasn't interested in Barbie.

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                                                      bBereanposted 10 years agoin reply to this

                                                      Yellow, and the belt is comparatively thin.  Perhaps a botched attempt at saving Ken or GIJoe?

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                                                         Sed-meposted 10 years agoin reply to this

                                                         Is that what we're going with?

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                                                            bBereanposted 10 years agoin reply to this

                                                            Yes, I think I would prefer to go with that premise.

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5. 60

   Cgenaeaposted 10 years ago

   Guys are not shy! I guess it may be a cultural thing, but on my side of town you have to travel with raid. And you MUST spray directly...else they return.
   I will conduct an experiment of my own. I spoke about culture because things may be different in another place. Though I have been approached by white guys I can count them with one hand for all my years.
   So, I will hang out where they hang out, and I will report back.

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      bBereanposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Okay, so you just triggered a memory of one of the most surreal evenings of my life.  In my young, single days, a good friend and his wife invited me to their favorite Jazz club.  Although his wife and I were the only whites in the establishment, we drew little attention until they danced and it was apparent his wife and I weren't a couple.  Within the next 45 min I was asked to dance 4 times by different young women, none of whom were there together.  My time on the dance floor drew critical attention from the young men present and my friend advised me it was time for us to leave.  Memorable evening, and the Jazz was great too.

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         Cgenaeaposted 10 years agoin reply to this

         Sounds about right.

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            bBereanposted 10 years agoin reply to this

            I suspect I was being used to make a point to someone, but the girls were nice, I was flattered, and it was fun while it lasted.

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               Cgenaeaposted 10 years agoin reply to this

               Hey, you had a nice time. Always good.
               I can't stand users though. They get on my nerves. But it didn't hurt, i guess, you got it in on the dance floor. *slang- it was "got down" in the 70's. I'm trying to stay hip. Lol...

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                  bBereanposted 10 years agoin reply to this

                  Boy, Cgenaea, you really are jogging memories for me today.  Picture my unassuming disabled daughter, riding in her wheelchair through a crowded Costco, (within days of 9/11 mind you).  Suddenly she blurts something out with authority, that she had heard on a video highlighting songs and trends from the '70s.  Everyone paused for a second, but nobody figure out who yelled "Everybody get down!"

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                     Cgenaeaposted 10 years agoin reply to this

                     I know what she meant. and she just made me lol... again.
                     Memory lane's good too.

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               Rad Manposted 10 years agoin reply to this

               When I was in college I dated this black girl for some time. It was an eye opener for me, white people would glance and then look away. Black guys didn't care at all, but black girls stared with the nastiest looks as if one of us were doing something wrong. Perhaps they were wondering why a drop dead gorgeous sister would date the likes of me. Why not, it's what I was thinking.

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                  bBereanposted 10 years agoin reply to this

                  It is interesting to see the way folks respond to things passively, because that betrays what they really think.  Lots of those folks giving you a funny look would switch to roses and puppies if asked directly what they thought.

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                     Cgenaeaposted 10 years agoin reply to this

                     You are right. I forgot. When guys approach me, 60% of the time, the opening line is, "Man, Baby, why you look so mean?" (See? Confidence.)
                     I have this eye/daylight thing. I slightly squint into a snarl. My bad... I just want my eyes to feel better.

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                  Cgenaeaposted 10 years agoin reply to this

                  That is a strikingly funny phenomenon. I dont get it, personally. A lot of the chicks I know, would love to date a white guy.
                  I can almost image jealousy. "Wtf he wont wit huh???" Possibly. Cannot be as bad as the looks black guys get for dating a white woman... black chicks REALLY cannot stand THAT one... I'm cool either way... to me, we just people.
                  I guess until you add economics. But, YOU know what I mean!!!

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                     Rad Manposted 10 years agoin reply to this

                     I do know exactly what you mean. "we just people".

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   Sed-meposted 10 years ago

   That's how the dude from "A Beautiful Mind" came up with his first brilliant theory... he said the odds of any of the men getting the most beautiful girl there were almost nil. He said she was there for attention, not for a date. He said if they all went after the less attractive girls, they'd all win, except the beautiful girl, who wasn't truly interested anyway...
   Sometimes I like to bring math into my posts to validate the weightiness of my responses.

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      Rad Manposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      That's right. Guys should go after the least attractive girl/women they can find, therefor when she leaves them they won't care. No need for math, I've got reason.

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         Motown2Chitownposted 10 years agoin reply to this

         I'm so grateful I met my husband the way I did. By the time we met in person, we were pretty much already in love and appearance wasn't an issue.

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            Rad Manposted 10 years agoin reply to this

            You're cute as a button. I take it your husband didn't know the find the most unattractive rule when he met you, I met my wife before I knew of it as well. Perhaps she didn't? LOL.

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               Motown2Chitownposted 10 years agoin reply to this

               Aww, thanks! Nah. He'd have loved me if I was a hideous troll. Besides, to the ones who love us, we become more attractive as time goes on! And youe lovely bride doesn't have shabby taste if you ask me.

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