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How do I deal with all the pain my ex has caused me?
It still hurts to this day and it's affecting my relationship now. I don't ever want to get that close to anyone again. I know its not fair to me or who i'm with but what my ex did killed the biggest, best part of my life and I don't know how to get it back or if I ever will.
Please give me some honest advise about how I can deal with all the pain and hurt.
I've done some gaduate work in couple counseling and the only way I've seen people "get over it" is to decide to. Let go. Right now you're living in your personal reality and you are replaying the past in your mind. The more you do this the more you'll be tortured. You are not living in the present reality and focusing on what your relationship is like now and what your furture entails.
My practical advice is to keep yourself busy, enough to keep him off your mind and when he does cross your mind, train yourself to think about something else immeiately. The one thing I've learned in psychology is we have control over our thoughts- some people meditate to acheive this too. So the term "get over it" is much more than a cliche, but just decide to be done with it. SOmehow you feel guilty or so bad that you need to tortureyourself with memories of your ex and the pain. Do you deserve that? I doubt it.
A word of advice from one woman to another. Women define themselves by their relationships and you have to learn not to anymore. Who are you outside of any relationship? Why do you allow your ex to hurt you still?
From my personal perspective, boys/men will be the least of your worries several years from now. Life has it's ups and downs and this won't be the worst thing you'll experience so stop wasting time dwelling on it because someday it will seem silly. Why would you give your ex all your precious time thinking about him or the pain he caused you? He still has a hold on you and maybe you still want that connection even if it causes you pain. Just some thoughts...
First you have to figure out why exactly your ex's actions hurt you so deeply. What is it that they did and what were the consequences of those actions/words? Once you figure out why that past relationship affected you in that manner you can start to access what part you played in that relationship (not that any of it was your fault. You might just be harboring blame against yourself where it is unnecessary) after you have thought about both sides of the situation you can perhaps understand it more. Then you can move on to the fun part... thinking about what you DO want in a relationship. I don't think that cutting yourself off from feeling is the best option for you (or the person you are with now.) Also, it never hurts to open up to someone you trust in your life who knows about that past situation. I wish you all the best!
You feel that your ex 'killed the biggest best part of your life'. So, find a way to feel happy and greatful that he is your ex and is not going to have anything to do with you any more and is not going to play any part in your future. Feel thankful that someone who hurt you is not around any more rather than be angry about what he did to you in the past... Learning to look forward - as a new you should help.
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