Are we destined for divorce?
My husband told me a few days ago that he is not happy in our marriage. He split the savings and checking accounts and spoke to all his friends before telling me anything. He has consulted a divorce attorney. We rarely have arguments, maybe one every couple of years. Im shocked and devestated. He wants to go to a marriage counselor. I have agreed, reluctantly. Weve been married for 11 years and thought my marriage was so perfect. Now I feel so stupid and betrayed. I dont know what to do next????
The fact that he's interested in seeing a marriage counselor tells you he's also interested in trying to make the marriage better. That's a whole lot better than the spouse who isn't even willing to try marriage counseling.
"The world" (books, friends, whoever..) often tells people to "protect their money" and "make sure you have your own money", even if people have no plans to separate (but especially if they're worried it may happen). One common belief is that "women are out to get all your money". Another common line of thinking is "husbands will often prevent access to money if women try to leave a marriage, especially an abusive one". Men or women, some spouses get so angry when the other even talks about "maybe making a change", they're the type who will immediately change things like bank accounts, only because they worry about the other spouse's reaction.
Sometimes the worry is well founded. Other times one spouse may not even imagine how angry the other will be when talk of unhappiness is raised. Sometimes, they're the ones who find themselves without access to any money at all.
If he didn't tell you he's been unhappy, it could be that he didn't want to hurt you, didn't want to stir up "a thing" if there was a chance things would get better on their own, hoped he could set aside whatever he wasn't happy about, or any number of others reasons. This is only personal opinion, but I think one of the most unfortunate things people often do is misinterpret the motivations of the other spouse. (That's why marriage counseling is probably the wisest next step you can take.)
I hope we are on the right track. Im scared of counseling because ive heard some counselors tell couples their better off apart. Thats not what I want to hear. When we got married, he told me he was my knight in shinning armor. I still believe that. He still takes my breath away when he gets close to me. My heart beats fast. I know that sounds corny but its true. For him to split up our money makes me feel betrayed and he has no trust in me. But its not about loosing money. I cant begin to imagine my life without him. I dont know how he got to this point where hes not happy. I dont think theres any one else. He goes to work and comes home on time. There are no strange phone calls, emails, etc...He's my best friend but I dont think he feels like Im his. He did say he was supprised by my reaction when he told me this. He thought I would get angry and throw him out. He was actually dressed and ready to leave. He says I threw him for a loop when I didnt get angry. All I felt was shock and sadness, betrayed. I hope the councelor can point us in the right direction. Hes been depressed since his father died several years ago and he changed at that point. He wont go to the Dr. for help. Do you think hes going thru male menopause? I have also gain 80 lbs due to thyroid problems. I know this is a turn off for him because his sister is very large and hes made statements about this. I don't feel sexy anymore and for these reasons i think it has affected our sex life which has been non existent for several months. All of what he feels he blames on me.
I don't believe you are destined for divorce. Seeking counseling is a great sign that things can work out if both parties want it.
I have been on this road a few times... what helped our relationship was "The Love Dare" There is a book and a movie. While I watched the movie and it was very touching, you can actually get the book which outlines every dare. You can do it together or you can buy the book and try it out on him without him knowing.
Disclaimer: If you do the book, it is religious based. So, because people are completely different, I will warn you about the religion. Not everybody is comfortable with that. I will also warn you that the book is very challenging, but it is a great learning experience.
possibility exists that although you don't fight, the relationship is slowly burning itself out. Do you share your time, ideas, and so on? If you really love this man and want to stay with him - become his friend. Start talking and hanging out - tell him that even though you didn't express it before, you don't want to live without him and want to make a new start, really be a couple, not roommates. Good luck.
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