My boyfriend feeds into his exes attempts to reach out. He says its harmless, I say F#@% THAT!
I have a huge problem. Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 2 years. We moved in together last year. He told me his ex made him miserable so he left her when he met me. She is obsessed with him. He changed his number and email address and she found both. He tells me he wants nothing to do with her but, they were together for 8 years so of course I'm insecure. His birthday passed and she emailed him Happy Birthday. He responded Thanks. I cant help the fact that she is reaching out but I have asked him before to ignore her. He thinks im being petty and his actions are harmless. HELP!
You are upset because they get along? It seems to me that he was just being polite. Your boyfriend is right, this is petty.
So basically my question is, how do I get him to realize what she's trying to do. Without giving too many details, basically she is your typical fatal attraction. She was 32 when he met her and he was 18. She stole his youth and made him miserable. She used him for what she wanted and then threw him away, over and over again, all while she was married! She is toxic. She had attempted to cause problems between him and I in the past, even going as far as showing up at my workplace to confront me for "stealing her man". I have done everything to be mature about the situation but she continuously attempts to reach out to him to try and suck him back into her wicked web of hatred. Six months ago I found out the she was texting him random things (happy forth of July etc...) I asked him not to respond to her because when he does she takes it to far and starts more unnecessary drama. They have no monetary, or family/circle of friends connections. They should be able to have a healthy friendship but she can not respect my position in his life. So when she emailed him on his birthday and he responded I was upset. I asked him to ignore her and he agreed that he would. But now he claims that it's harmless. I'm being petty because he's doing something I asked him not to do and he agreed to? It's bullshit. How do I make him realize that I will not allow her to keep coming between us? How do I get her to stop without unecessary drama?
You say, "She stole his youth and made him miserable..." However the truth is each of us chooses our own friends, lovers, and spouse. He was with this woman because (he chose) to be with her. There is no getting around this fact.
The next thing you must realize is the only person you can (control) is yourself!!! Whenever we attempt to control others and they don't behave as we want them to then we become frustrated.
Anyone that has been in a relationship for 8 years is likely to remember their ex's birthday. It's not a big deal to get an e-card or a birthday email from someone you spent a large chunk of your life with.
Insecurity is just another word for fear. No one wants to think about someone "waiting in the wings" should they mess up. We long to be able to "relax" and have some breathing room to stop being at our best . (The truth is there is always someone who would love to take your place). We just normally don't know who that person is.
It sounds as though your man is NOT a "rude" type of person. Therefore he is not likely to become rude to his ex just to satisfy you. Is this a "deal breaker"? If it is then you should get out. If it is not then you have to learn to accept your man as he is and trust that it's you that he wants.
If you continue to bitch and complain about the situation while his ex continues to be "nice" to him then you must know people would rather be around people who make them feel good about being themselves. No one wants to live in house full of friction.
You're living with him, if it's unecceptable to you that he stays in touch with this ex in any way, shape or form, he needs to respect your wishes. You need to make it very clear to him that it's a deal breaker for you if he keeps any ties to this woman, that includes polite replies to her messages. It sounds like he needs to change his email address and phone number again, but he is far from that place as he's being polite and replying to her (Only feeding her on to keep doing it). It's a pet hate of mine, if I'm in a serious relationship with someone (Let alone living with them) I am not willing to accept them continuing to keep some kind of relationship up with their ex (Except of course if there are kids involved). I'm sure he wouldn't be calling you 'petty' if you were keeping in touch with your ex's on a casual basis. It's not about her, it's about him being willing to cease and avoid all contact with her, and seeing that this is a resonable request.
I have to agree with you. He went down that ugly, bumpy road, and had to get off of it. Communicating with exes is akin to keeping that door open. Actions are louder than words. Ask him how he would feel if it was you in this situation and doing what he is doing. If he cannot see your perspective, ditch him.
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