Would you rather be a widow/widower or a divorcee?

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   Rosie2010posted 11 years ago

   Would you rather be a widow/widower or a divorcee?
   
   When my husband died, I might as well been dead myself, because that was how I felt... dead.
   
   I recently saw Diane Lane's movie "Under the Tuscan Sun" where her character said
   "Do you know the most surprising thing about divorce? It doesn't actually kill you. Like a bullet to the heart or a head-on car wreck. It should. When someone you've promised to cherish till death do you part says "I never loved you," it should kill you instantly. You shouldn't have to wake up day after day after that, trying to understand how in the world you didn't know."
   
   It hurts badly either way.

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2. 0

   msorenssonposted 11 years ago

   If I were married, I would prefer to die earlier than the person I am married to.
   
   I would prefer to not get divorced....unless the other person says he will be happier if we got divorced...
   
   So the answer is neither..

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      Rosie2010posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks for answering my question, msorensson.  I would prefer to die first too, but it didn't happen that way.

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      msorenssonposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Many hugs, Rosie.
      My father died young. My mother could have remarried. She did not.
      I know she would have preferred to be with him, however at the time, my brothers were really young. She died peacefully after my youngest brother got married.

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3. 64

   Veroniquebeeposted 11 years ago

   I think both of these are a bit of a "rock or the hard place" options. I think that I would probably prefer to be the divorcee - since not every divorce ends with the words "I never loved you". But being a widow - I do not think I would prefer to lose my loved one so completely.

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   1. 67

      Rosie2010posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Veroniquebee, yes being a widow/widower or being a divorcee are both painful choices.  You are right, not all divorces end with words "I never loved you."  Some divorcees get remarried to each other.. better the second time around.  Thanks

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   dashingscorpioposted 11 years ago

   In order for me to be a widower it would mean my wife died. Given the choice between her being dead or us being divorced I'd choose being divorced.
   Having said that I believe the choice one makes in such situations would depend on whether or not they are still "in love" with their mate. There are many married people I suspect who'd love to collect a large insurance policy if their spouse died as opposed to going through the divorce process. On the other hand if one initiates the divorce they are often imagining having a better future than their present life.
   From the single person's point of view I suspect he or she would rather date a divorced person than a widow/widower. It's hard to compete with someone their mate views as a "saint". Just knowing they are with you only because they can't be with the one they love can eat at a person I suppose. Also I would imagine the widow/widower would often talk in glowing terms about their deceased spouse not intentionally to compare them to their current mate. A relationship after a divorce is the result of one person stating they no longer want to be with someone. Whether you wanted a divorce or not (rejection) is a part of the split. Death on the other hand has nothing to do with rejection or falling out of love.
   Another interesting question I suppose is: Would you rather date a divorced person or a widow/widower?

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      Rosie2010posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      dashingscorpio, thanks for detailed answer to my question.  Very informative.  I will ask the question you suggested.  Thanks

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   TIMETRAVELER2posted 11 years ago

   I'd rather be (and have been) a widow rather than a divorcee(which I have also been).  A widow has no loose ends in her relationship, a divorcee does, especially if children are involved.  Both are painful, however, so it's not a great choice either way.

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      Rosie2010posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Timetraveler2, I agree with your answer.  Both are painful choices, and in my case, I ended up a widow.  I'm sorry to hear that you had experience both.  Thanks

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6. 67

   onegoodwomanposted 11 years ago

   Dear Rosie.........
   
   My life is not about what I would " rather" be...........it is about what I am.......
   
   
   My life, is not a movie...........I have had simple joys, great gifts..................I have even asked............" who am I , GOD, that I get to see this"...............YES, I have asked that aloud.............
   
   Life is about living........growing.........expanding.............learning to understand the loss and pain of another..............be they a family member or a distant neighbor............
   
   Living life is about connecting with others on their level..........
   
   
   
   
   
   AT the end of day of choices..................I would perfer, that the heart of my husband does not ache needlessly.   Nor, do the hearts of my beloved children.

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      Rosie2010posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Dear onegoodwoman, thank you for your answer.  My life is also not a movie.   I only mentioned the movie I quoted because the character was so devastated by her husband divorcing her, it touched me to the core.   Best wishes

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   anylgposted 11 years ago

   Life is a circle of happiness and painful incident. We have to control ourselves in both situation and adjust ourselves in the present for better future. Life will not ends with someone deaths.
   People who meets you in the paths of life are just a friend to cross the your path that you are walking.
   Its true that no one can feel your pain except you. Everyone thinks that they had a great pain that others.

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