If you do all that you can for your wife or husband and it isn't good enough, th

1. 74

   kenneth averyposted 12 years ago

   If you do all that you can for your wife or husband and it isn't good enough, then what do you do?
   
   In the same vein as the Japanese grandmother, allow me to ask, "if you do all that you can to please your wife or husband, and that isn't good enough, then what?"

   replyreport
2. 0

   msorenssonposted 12 years ago

   Perhaps you are expecting too much of yourself and you are projecting it. This is often the case.
   
   I know women, I do not know men other than from the perspectives of life long professional and platonic friendships with both married and single men.
   
   I speak only for myself in this regard, in fairness to all others. For the most part, women only want to be loved, to be told that they are loved, whether they are fat or thin, poor or rich, etc. etc..

   replyreport
   1. 74

      kenneth averyposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Eureka!

      replyreport
3. 60

   duffsmomposted 12 years ago

   I suppose what you really need to now is that it is likely not you, but their own insecurities and unhappiness coming out.  It is so easy to pick on or point out deficiencies in those we love because it is safe.
   
   On occasion my husband or I get into that mood and then the other one will say - "we need to talk. It seems you are picking at me a lot lately.  What is going on?"
   
   Lay it all out, in a kind, calm way.  You can't be hurt by talking things out.  Be prepared to hear things you might not like and she/he needs to be prepared as well.  But clear the air and let your spouse know this is not an acceptable way to treat the person we are supposed to love the most.

   replyreport
   1. 74

      kenneth averyposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Nicely-said, duffsmom, and I thank you.

      replyreport
   2. 60

      duffsmomposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      You are most welcome Kenneth.  If the above question refers to you, I hope you find the right answer and peace.

      replyreport
   3. 74

      kenneth averyposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      duffsmom, it DOES apply to me. I cannot do enough for my mate. I work in the house when shes at work. Im not perfect, but my heart is in my work. Seemingly its not enough. And I feel bad. I know that Im to blame. Just want help.

      replyreport
4. 84

   tsmogposted 12 years ago

   I really have not an answer. Most of the advice offering I have done has been from the perspective of the auto repair trade. I grab the young 'un by the ear and take to the wheel balancer. I jerk the weights off and tell  him to plop it on the bubble balancer. I have him balance it. He does. That is called a static balance. It is balancing a wheel with weights along the wheel until the bubble is centered. Usually 4 weights - 2 on each side parallel kinda' with each other.
   
   I tell him that is where you are at now. Then I take him to the spin balancer which is a dynamic balance. I have him do the test for balance and it whirrrrs mathematically for about 70mph for few seconds. What do you know it is out of balance. I tell him that is where you are at. Balanced statically but not dynamically.
   
   Then I would give him a couple VHS tapes on static balance and dynamic balance telling him to take them home and watch them (maybe 5 min each in length). Then humbly tell him to think of that tire and wheel assembly as the relationship.
   
   The next day I would roll a wheel in the morning to him and tell him to balance it for a trailer or something you pull. If he was smart he did it statically. Cost the customer less and gets the job done for the purpose, which is pulling something.
   
   Then give him a wheel to balance and tell him it was for a Mustang or a Camaro. With a grin to the spin balancer he would go. Then I would ask why was that the best for that. The funny thing is probably 6 - 7 times they would say something like that is what my wife and I decided. I dun'no I just made that up or did I?

   replyreport
   1. 74

      kenneth averyposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I heard that. And you are also right. I guess I am just going to learn that NOT all that I do for my mate will ever be good enough. Not a deal-breaker, but honestly, hard to deal with at times.

      replyreport
5. 0

   Starmom41posted 12 years ago

   My POV:  I'd say sit down with the person and attempt to have a reasonable conversation-  ask him/her what the problem is.  Perhaps it's nothing more than miscommunication.  However, if the person is incapable of being reasonable, or asserts that everything you do is either 'wrong' or 'not enough,' I think that'd be the time to pack a bag and walk.

   replyreport
   1. 74

      kenneth averyposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks, Starmom, you hit the nail on the head. Unfortunately, when I talk to her like this, civil, sane, and quietly, it does no good. So I just need help in accepting that not all women are as nurturing as some. Thanks.

      replyreport
   2. 0

      Starmom41posted 12 years agoin reply to this

      well, I think it's a common-sense approach, & I hope it's helpful--  but I don't know why somebody thought it rated a "vote-down"

      replyreport
   3. 74

      kenneth averyposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks again, Starmom. You are very perceptive. This question was about me. I am ashamed to take this route to find out how I can please my mate. I care for her very much and want to help her in the house all that I can. Its not good all time.

      replyreport
6. 61

   tirelesstravelerposted 12 years ago

   You read Gary Chapman's book  The The Four Love Languages.  You find out what your wife's love language is and love her that way instead of what you have been doing.  I found out my husbands love language during an illness. It kept him alive long enough to recover without me killing him.

   replyreport
   1. 74

      kenneth averyposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I appreciate this resonse so much. I have, for years, been a "doer," to make my mate approve of me and love me, but many's the time that I only end up disappointed. You have helped me, tirelesstraveler, and I love you for that.

      replyreport
   2. 72

      Kathleen Cochranposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      This book is an excellent read for every married person.  How you are trying may not be the way she receives love.  It can be very frustrating for both parties when this happens.  My love language is giving.  My husband is doing thing for me.  Helps?

      replyreport
   3. 61

      tirelesstravelerposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I know 3 guys who are doers their love language is touch. I found out that about my husband when he was sick and I started doing reflexology on him.  My Language is act of service and quality time.  I want him to eat dinner with me with eye contact.

      replyreport
7. 83

   MsDoraposted 12 years ago

   It's not how much you give, it's whether you meet the need.   Find out what the person wants.  You may be giving what you want to give, instead of what the recipient wants.  For example, you may spend the day shopping and bring home a surprise when the spouse prefers to spend the day shopping with you than to receive the gift.  REPEAT:  it's not how much you give, it's whether you meet the need.

   replyreport
   1. 74

      kenneth averyposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I've been told that "I" meet her needs, but still, I seldom get any thanks or approval, but a lot of "why didn't you do it that way?" and things. Oh well. Praise God anyway.

      replyreport
8. 60

   hi friendposted 12 years ago

   It is the duty of every person to do something for the betterment of their partner holding family values.

   replyreport
   1. 74

      kenneth averyposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      hi friend, true, but when it means ALL FOR THE PARTNER, and none for the doer or giver, what then?

      replyreport
9. 45

   DDEposted 12 years ago

   There is only that much one can do if your partner wants more than what you can give then they don't appreciate you

   replyreport
   1. 74

      kenneth averyposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      DDE, thank you, but I have given all I can to this one person. I have not that much of ME to keep for myself. But thanks so much for your input. I appreciate YOU.

      replyreport
   2. 45

      DDEposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      The problem in such  cases one of the partners often  gives more than the other more of a one-sided affair and this can be upsetting and ruins the relationship, glad I could be of help

      replyreport
10. 96

    peeplesposted 12 years ago

    If you have done everything (read books, therapy, communicated, EVERYTHING) then you get divorced. Once everything has been attempted there are only two outcomes either stay together miserable or divorce.

    replyreport
    1. 74

       kenneth averyposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       Dear peoples, Im afraid that you are right. Thanks for the honesty.

       replyreport
11. 36

    ChristinSposted 12 years ago

    You cannot make another person happy.  Happiness is an individual choice, made in any given moment.  Many of us delude ourselves into thinking our spouses or jobs etc should "make us happy" - and when they don't we end up disappointed and angry at the person or job, instead of going within ourselves to figure out what it is we need to be fulfilled.  The best marriage partners are ones who are fulfilled within themselves first and then become true partners who share and encourage each other.  I left a marriage that was like this and ended up with a strong marriage the second time where my partner didn't expect me to "make" him happy.  He was a happy, well adjusted person and it has been a wonderful marriage.  Now I am NOT suggesting everyone in this situation divorce and remarry - but, both partners have to face themselves and their expectations with honesty.  In my case, my first spouse couldn't do that and wanted a "mommy" not a wife.  I couldn't live with that burden any longer and chose to find my own happiness -- which I now share with a wonderful partner

    replyreport
    1. 74

       kenneth averyposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       ChristinS . . .you are so right. And I cannot make anyone LOVE me either. Guess I should just do my best and live with this personal failure.

       replyreport
12. 70

    SmartAndFunposted 12 years ago

    Maybe the person who is trying hard to please the other person could say something like, "This is me, this is all I have to give, this is the best that I can do. It is now up to you to decide whether or not you are willing to accept me for who I am and what I am able to provide. If you cannot be happy with what I'm offering, then you need to move on and try to find happiness on your own or with someone else. If you decide to stay, you must truly accept me as I am and not continually point out my shortcomings or try to change me."

    replyreport
    1. 74

       kenneth averyposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       SmartAndFun, sadly, I have done this, spoken in kind words and honestly, some loud tones, but not profane, and it still remains the same. I hate the axiom, "I can't win," for that is the confession of a self-proclaimed loser. I just want to be loved.

       replyreport
13. 65

    lupineposted 12 years ago

    All you can do is your best, no more...no less. If that is never good enough, it may be you are not compatible. Stick with it as long as you can and time will tell. Your husband or wife will either love you or leave you.

    replyreport
    1. 74

       kenneth averyposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       lupine . . .you are so right. All I can do is all I can do. Thanks for your comment. Take care and love you for that warm response.

       replyreport
    2. 65

       lupineposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       Kenneth, another side to this is to love your husband or wife for who they are, maybe they do not know how to show love and gratitude, you may think they are never satisfied but they are in their own way. That's why they remain.  You're a great guy!

       replyreport
14. 85

    gmwilliamsposted 12 years ago

    Maybe that person has some issues and is inwardly unhappy with his/her life.   Many people who are perfectionistic and/or critical have unrealistic and childish expectations of what people, society, and the world should be.   They are quite unhappy people who need to grow up!

    replyreport
15. 88

    bac2basicsposted 12 years ago

    Try counselling, if that doesn´t work...split. Constantly being made to feel you aren´t good enough will eventually make you feel " you aren´t good enough" and no one has the right to do that to another person.

    replyreport