How do you deal with a slur on your character that you cannot disprove?

Jump to Last Post 1-11 of 11 discussions (25 posts)
  1. Greensleeves Hubs profile image92
    Greensleeves Hubsposted 9 years ago

    How do you deal with a slur on your character that you cannot disprove?

    How do you deal with it psychologically, when someone (in this case a relative) casts nasty allegations against your character and actions and - because there's no tangible evidence - you have no way of proving them wrong in their beliefs? A situation like this can be immensely hurtful and frustrating.

  2. Borsia profile image38
    Borsiaposted 9 years ago

    If you are consistent in your behavior those who know you won't believe such a slur. If someone were to say that I did something out of character those who know me they would laugh in their face.
    The most important thing is not to give such a slur any recognition.

    1. Greensleeves Hubs profile image92
      Greensleeves Hubsposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you Borsia. I appreciate this answer after an unpleasant phone call today which has led to a very stressful day for me. I guess one has to gain strength from one's true friends and ignore as best as possible those who think ill of you

    2. Borsia profile image38
      Borsiaposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      I would suggest that the next such caller be told that if this is what all they have to say it would be better if they didn't call again.

  3. Pamela99 profile image90
    Pamela99posted 9 years ago

    I agree with Borsia. You may have to distance yourself from this relative as much as possible and most of all not let her false allegations bring you down. You know the truth and those that love you probably do also. Some people really like to cause trouble. I think they live for drama. She is getting more mileage out of this if she knows she is upsetting you. Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing you are upset.

    1. Greensleeves Hubs profile image92
      Greensleeves Hubsposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you Pamela. It's not easy just at the moment to distance myself because of a forthcoming will reading and estate management issue after our father's death, but your advice is very sound. Many thanks. Alun.

  4. Express10 profile image85
    Express10posted 9 years ago

    People that truly know you are the ones that matter and know that it's not true. That is when the person being negative is proven so. Distance will make you more comfortable.

    1. Greensleeves Hubs profile image92
      Greensleeves Hubsposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      Too true Express 10. It's difficult to maintain distance at present as we have to communicate over estate matters following our father's death, but certainly I guess one has to gain strength from loyal and trusting friends and ignore the negatives.

  5. duffsmom profile image60
    duffsmomposted 9 years ago

    It must be horrible and since you can never convince someone of your innocence when they are bent on believing what they want, I would cut off relations with this person.  Be warned that even if you could prove that these things are not true, they would still persistent in believing them...human nature can be a tough thing to overcome.

    Live a life of integrity and honor be a person of your word so that you know you are a good person, other people will know it too from your actions.

    1. Greensleeves Hubs profile image92
      Greensleeves Hubsposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you so much duffsmom. Relations are more or less cut off except that currently we are going thru' the handling of my late father's estate, and that's difficult, as some consultation is essential. But your comment is valid and very warm. Thanks.

  6. Rosana Modugno profile image70
    Rosana Modugnoposted 9 years ago

    Frankly, I wouldn't deal with it or that person at all.  No need to have them in my life because guess what, they are going to believe what they want to believe and it wouldn't be my job to change their mind because I just wouldn't care. 

    If they want to live their life thinking I'm one way, when I know I am another, good for them.  I know who I am, and those that love me know who I am.  Those that don't fall into either box, don't deserve to have any part of me.

    You make your own frustrations, your own hurt because you are worrying too much about what others think about you.  Why do you care?  Not speaking to you specifically, only making a general question here.

    1. Greensleeves Hubs profile image92
      Greensleeves Hubsposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks Rosana. Great reply. Sadly I have to deal with him as we have my dad's estate/will to sort out, but I'll try to do as much as possible thru' the solicitor (attorney) involved. I guess it's human nature tho' to want to be believed and trusted.

  7. Mazzy Bolero profile image68
    Mazzy Boleroposted 9 years ago

    I have read the answers to this question with some sadness, because I have experienced this, too, and I never really found the answer. It's particularly tough when family members are involved.

    Cutting ties with that person is an option, but unfortunately in practice that usually means cutting ties with other people you love, who are close to that person and who believe his or her lies.  Yet you cannot defend yourself as there is no evidence either way and if they love the person who is slandering you, you can't really tell them the truth about that person, either.  They would just turn against you more.

    In my case I could only behave normally and hope they would realize that I was not as I had been portrayed.  However, people will take the side of the person they are more closely related to, even if in their deepest hearts they know what they're saying may not be true. Keeping close to that person is more important to them than being fair to you.

    It obviously depends on who exactly is involved and what their relationship is to you and with you. If you can talk to the other relatives and put your own case for your innocence, that might be helpful.  You can of course try to explain to the person slandering you that you are not guilty of what they are saying, or put that in writing, very calmly and logically, without rancour, and copy it to the rest of the family. 

    The slanderer probably has issues, so logic may be useless, and the others may still take his/her side because of emotional links, but at least you would have put your case and it may make them question the lies they've been told.

    1. Greensleeves Hubs profile image92
      Greensleeves Hubsposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      Everything you say I concur with Mazzy. Your words fit the situation perfectly. The problem is mainly with my brother, but I get on well with his grown-up children, my nephew and neice. But of course I can't entangle them in our dispute. Great answer

  8. alancaster149 profile image81
    alancaster149posted 9 years ago

    One of my Grandad's relatives was building a family tree, and I believe making good progress with it. She attended my Grandad's funeral and a tactless aunt of mine - also gone now - made a snide comment about her 'carrying on' with someone they both knew. Not long after that my Grandad's relative committed suicide. I don't know the details because she was unknown to me, but my aunt just carried on as normal. You can choose your friends, but family sometimes gets up your nose.

    1. Greensleeves Hubs profile image92
      Greensleeves Hubsposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      Unpleasant situation alancaster - how sourness and snide remarks can damage or even ruin a life. One has to be very strong in mind and self-belief to brush off comments like that, and not everyone can, even if innocent. Thanks so much for sharing.

  9. profile image0
    Garifaliaposted 9 years ago

    I'm surprised to read something like this from someone in the States. While I was growing up there in the '70s, people were not so judgmental. I'll tell you what I tell all my friends and children and it's the truth:

    People who truly love you know who you are, they would never cast nasty allegations. The people who act this way are the ones who, as we say in Greece, 'have their nest dirty'----meaning have real problems with their character and actions.

    I mean seriously, would any honest and ethical person behave in such a way? Apart from that, the people who know you won't believe any of that junk.

    Don't worry -- you're too young to fret over such illmindedness.

    1. Greensleeves Hubs profile image92
      Greensleeves Hubsposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      I should say I'm not in the States, but in the UK, but that's no matter - your comments are touching and encouraging, and you are so right - people who cast aspersions are usually judging others by their own low standards - My thanks to you.

  10. darkland profile image61
    darklandposted 9 years ago

    Hi Alun,
    It seems to me it's probably a pretty difficult time for everyone and this will likely add stress to an already stressful situation.  Just keep the big picture in mind and don't play into this nonsense.  I would (however difficult it might be) strive to remain very courteous to this individual and try to refocus the attention on what is going on in the present.  I wouldn't hesitate to act, think and say that the idea of this accusation is ridiculous, but there will be a better time and place to address it fully.  If you can remain above it now, your family won't only disbelieve her but they will also thank you for not dragging everyone into a spitting contest.

    1. Greensleeves Hubs profile image92
      Greensleeves Hubsposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      darkland I appreciate that. Some of what you say is more true to this case than you may imagine, including the point about refocusing on the present - exactly what I tried to do during a phone conversation on Sunday. Good  and thoughtful words friend

    2. darkland profile image61
      darklandposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      Good for you, hang in there, my friend and the world will turn.

  11. Greensleeves Hubs profile image92
    Greensleeves Hubsposted 9 years ago

    I thank all who have written answers to this question in the first few days since I asked it. I don't ask questions here very much, but the response I've already had to this and a related question has been really heartwarming to the extent that I've decided to write a hub about the experience. This hub has just been published and of course it can be accessed via my profile.

    Thanks again. The question was prompted by a bad experience for me but the response has been lovely.

    1. darkland profile image61
      darklandposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      Hey I looked for it but didn't see the new hub (?) what did you call it maybe I can find it that way

    2. Greensleeves Hubs profile image92
      Greensleeves Hubsposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      I called the page, 'HubPage Questions and Answers; the Support of a Community'. Cheers. Alun.

    3. darkland profile image61
      darklandposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      found it, no problem, was very good.


This website uses cookies

As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

Show Details
HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)