How do you deal with a slur on your character that you cannot disprove?

1. 92

   Greensleeves Hubsposted 12 years ago

   How do you deal with a slur on your character that you cannot disprove?
   
   How do you deal with it psychologically, when someone (in this case a relative) casts nasty allegations against your character and actions and - because there's no tangible evidence - you have no way of proving them wrong in their beliefs? A situation like this can be immensely hurtful and frustrating.

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2. 38

   Borsiaposted 12 years ago

   If you are consistent in your behavior those who know you won't believe such a slur. If someone were to say that I did something out of character those who know me they would laugh in their face.
   The most important thing is not to give such a slur any recognition.

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      Greensleeves Hubsposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you Borsia. I appreciate this answer after an unpleasant phone call today which has led to a very stressful day for me. I guess one has to gain strength from one's true friends and ignore as best as possible those who think ill of you

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      Borsiaposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I would suggest that the next such caller be told that if this is what all they have to say it would be better if they didn't call again.

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   Pamela99posted 12 years ago

   I agree with Borsia. You may have to distance yourself from this relative as much as possible and most of all not let her false allegations bring you down. You know the truth and those that love you probably do also. Some people really like to cause trouble. I think they live for drama. She is getting more mileage out of this if she knows she is upsetting you. Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing you are upset.

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      Greensleeves Hubsposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you Pamela. It's not easy just at the moment to distance myself because of a forthcoming will reading and estate management issue after our father's death, but your advice is very sound. Many thanks. Alun.

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   Express10posted 12 years ago

   People that truly know you are the ones that matter and know that it's not true. That is when the person being negative is proven so. Distance will make you more comfortable.

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      Greensleeves Hubsposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Too true Express 10. It's difficult to maintain distance at present as we have to communicate over estate matters following our father's death, but certainly I guess one has to gain strength from loyal and trusting friends and ignore the negatives.

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   duffsmomposted 12 years ago

   It must be horrible and since you can never convince someone of your innocence when they are bent on believing what they want, I would cut off relations with this person.  Be warned that even if you could prove that these things are not true, they would still persistent in believing them...human nature can be a tough thing to overcome.
   
   Live a life of integrity and honor be a person of your word so that you know you are a good person, other people will know it too from your actions.

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      Greensleeves Hubsposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you so much duffsmom. Relations are more or less cut off except that currently we are going thru' the handling of my late father's estate, and that's difficult, as some consultation is essential. But your comment is valid and very warm. Thanks.

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   Rosana Modugnoposted 12 years ago

   Frankly, I wouldn't deal with it or that person at all.  No need to have them in my life because guess what, they are going to believe what they want to believe and it wouldn't be my job to change their mind because I just wouldn't care. 
   
   If they want to live their life thinking I'm one way, when I know I am another, good for them.  I know who I am, and those that love me know who I am.  Those that don't fall into either box, don't deserve to have any part of me.
   
   You make your own frustrations, your own hurt because you are worrying too much about what others think about you.  Why do you care?  Not speaking to you specifically, only making a general question here.

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      Greensleeves Hubsposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks Rosana. Great reply. Sadly I have to deal with him as we have my dad's estate/will to sort out, but I'll try to do as much as possible thru' the solicitor (attorney) involved. I guess it's human nature tho' to want to be believed and trusted.

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7. 68

   Mazzy Boleroposted 12 years ago

   I have read the answers to this question with some sadness, because I have experienced this, too, and I never really found the answer. It's particularly tough when family members are involved.
   
   Cutting ties with that person is an option, but unfortunately in practice that usually means cutting ties with other people you love, who are close to that person and who believe his or her lies.  Yet you cannot defend yourself as there is no evidence either way and if they love the person who is slandering you, you can't really tell them the truth about that person, either.  They would just turn against you more.
   
   In my case I could only behave normally and hope they would realize that I was not as I had been portrayed.  However, people will take the side of the person they are more closely related to, even if in their deepest hearts they know what they're saying may not be true. Keeping close to that person is more important to them than being fair to you.
   
   It obviously depends on who exactly is involved and what their relationship is to you and with you. If you can talk to the other relatives and put your own case for your innocence, that might be helpful.  You can of course try to explain to the person slandering you that you are not guilty of what they are saying, or put that in writing, very calmly and logically, without rancour, and copy it to the rest of the family. 
   
   The slanderer probably has issues, so logic may be useless, and the others may still take his/her side because of emotional links, but at least you would have put your case and it may make them question the lies they've been told.

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      Greensleeves Hubsposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Everything you say I concur with Mazzy. Your words fit the situation perfectly. The problem is mainly with my brother, but I get on well with his grown-up children, my nephew and neice. But of course I can't entangle them in our dispute. Great answer

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8. 78

   alancaster149posted 12 years ago

   One of my Grandad's relatives was building a family tree, and I believe making good progress with it. She attended my Grandad's funeral and a tactless aunt of mine - also gone now - made a snide comment about her 'carrying on' with someone they both knew. Not long after that my Grandad's relative committed suicide. I don't know the details because she was unknown to me, but my aunt just carried on as normal. You can choose your friends, but family sometimes gets up your nose.

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      Greensleeves Hubsposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Unpleasant situation alancaster - how sourness and snide remarks can damage or even ruin a life. One has to be very strong in mind and self-belief to brush off comments like that, and not everyone can, even if innocent. Thanks so much for sharing.

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   Garifaliaposted 12 years ago

   I'm surprised to read something like this from someone in the States. While I was growing up there in the '70s, people were not so judgmental. I'll tell you what I tell all my friends and children and it's the truth:
   
   People who truly love you know who you are, they would never cast nasty allegations. The people who act this way are the ones who, as we say in Greece, 'have their nest dirty'----meaning have real problems with their character and actions.
   
   I mean seriously, would any honest and ethical person behave in such a way? Apart from that, the people who know you won't believe any of that junk.
   
   Don't worry -- you're too young to fret over such illmindedness.

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      Greensleeves Hubsposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I should say I'm not in the States, but in the UK, but that's no matter - your comments are touching and encouraging, and you are so right - people who cast aspersions are usually judging others by their own low standards - My thanks to you.

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10. 58

    darklandposted 12 years ago

    Hi Alun,
    It seems to me it's probably a pretty difficult time for everyone and this will likely add stress to an already stressful situation.  Just keep the big picture in mind and don't play into this nonsense.  I would (however difficult it might be) strive to remain very courteous to this individual and try to refocus the attention on what is going on in the present.  I wouldn't hesitate to act, think and say that the idea of this accusation is ridiculous, but there will be a better time and place to address it fully.  If you can remain above it now, your family won't only disbelieve her but they will also thank you for not dragging everyone into a spitting contest.

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       Greensleeves Hubsposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       darkland I appreciate that. Some of what you say is more true to this case than you may imagine, including the point about refocusing on the present - exactly what I tried to do during a phone conversation on Sunday. Good  and thoughtful words friend

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       darklandposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       Good for you, hang in there, my friend and the world will turn.

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11. 92

    Greensleeves Hubsposted 12 years ago

    I thank all who have written answers to this question in the first few days since I asked it. I don't ask questions here very much, but the response I've already had to this and a related question has been really heartwarming to the extent that I've decided to write a hub about the experience. This hub has just been published and of course it can be accessed via my profile.
    
    Thanks again. The question was prompted by a bad experience for me but the response has been lovely.

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       darklandposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       Hey I looked for it but didn't see the new hub (?) what did you call it maybe I can find it that way

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       Greensleeves Hubsposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       I called the page, 'HubPage Questions and Answers; the Support of a Community'. Cheers. Alun.

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       darklandposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       found it, no problem, thanks...it was very good.

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