How do you get over a broken heart?

1. 72

   Anaydenaposted 12 years ago

   How do you get over a broken heart?
   
   I've been with my husband 8 years, a week and a half ago was our 6 year marriage anniversary. We have been through almost everything a relationship can go through. We are currently in separate states due to financial issues. Me with family and him with friends.
   
   On our anniversary this year he wouldn't make time to talk to me and suggested we no longer be together. Angry, I huffed an agreement thinking that this time would be like the others. Unfortunately... it isn't so. I'm in so much pain I don't know what to do with myself. How do you get over someone you spent almost a decade with?
   
   

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2. 77

   sweetzaraposted 12 years ago

   Time heals everything... If there is no love left in that relationship from either sides... it is time to move on. Get busy rebuilding your life. Immerse yourself in your job, hobby and in meeting other interesting people. Find a new passion.

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   1. 0

      CJ Sledgehammerposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      There are some wounds that time cannot heal. :0)

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3. 0

   CJ Sledgehammerposted 12 years ago

   Unfortunately, Anaydena, the decision is not up to you...it is out of your hands. As you know, it takes two to make a successful marriage, but it only takes one to destroy it.
   
   About the only thing anyone can do is run to the Almighty and His beloved Son, Christ Yeshua (Jesus) and find a trusted friend to talk to...perhaps even a good counselor.
   
   The truth is...he wants to leave and you cannot stop him. Please know your limitations. I am so sorry this has happened to you, but you are hardly alone...many people go down this same road.
   
   I can tell you that, in time, I felt much better about things, but when she left...she left me with two small children and one infant. Count your blessings because things could have been worse.
   
   I know you probably do not want to hear this right now...but it is probably a good thing that you found out now (while you are still young and have prospects).
   
   I wish you the very best and please know the sun WILL shine again...just be patient and give it a chance. In time, you will see what I have said is true. :0)

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4. 57

   abbykorinneleeposted 12 years ago

   Wow, I was there two years ago when my soldier husband came home from a deployment and two months later just walked out.  Became abusive.  I was in so much pain I didn't know what to do.  I did things like take pills to sleep and to wake up.  I drank too much.  I had friends helping me to take care of my house and kids.  I was a mess.  I begged him to stay, I saw therapists, even as he threatened to kill me I didn't understand.  I spent the better part of the 6 months of our divorce crying or laying in my closet comatose.
   
   First, I moved away from the house, the memories, the people we knew, the post we lived on.  I left the house with my kids and what I could fit in my car and moved three thousand miles away from him and to my father's.  I left behind anything that would remind me of him. I left our favorite blanket, the glassware set that was etched in turkish gold he sent me from Iraq, I left our German purchased shrank that we bought in Germany...I left it all.
   
   I than spent six months setting myself up and the kids on aide, getting them in school, and doing whatever I could to NOT talk to him.  YOu can't be friends or talk when its not necessary because it will rip the scabs off.  I stayed away from men especially but pretty much to myself and just spent time with my kids and my brother and father.  I cut off all people who would discuss him to me, or tell me what he was doing.
   
   After six months I went back to school full time. I finally didn't cry everytime I heard his name.  Saw him in June and it started all over and even after I learned of the affairs and the PTSD, and realized I was abused...I still wanted him back.  I deleted his number from my phone, I made some friends, I made a four year plan and a ten year plan, I went on a vacation to Ca and Kansas to be with those that made me happy and saw old friends, I still stayed away from men, I blocked his facebook and deleted his email and address.  I put away his pictures, burned the sweatshirt I still had.
   
   I still have moments where I wonder what happened and why he wasn't the man I married.  there is no magic answer, this worked for me.  I found independence, I realized the truth about the relationship, I didn't take all the blame, I got therapy, I did stuff for myself, I bonded with family and I made a new life that he wasn't ever a part of (and with people who hate him).
   
   If all else fails??? HONEY go with your ANGER!  Block out the feelings and be mad...sometimes its a start.

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      CJ Sledgehammerposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I'm so sorry to hear of your misery, but am glad to hear of your gradual recovery. By the way, he is exactly the same man you married, but opportunities presented themselves which allowed him to seize the day. He probably always lacked a moral spine.

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5. 72

   Anaydenaposted 12 years ago

   There is still love, on both sides... but he says because I don't trust him he wants to end it. Honestly I think its because he's found someone else to occupy his time. Thanks for the comments and encouragements. This pain is immense. I've never cried over a guy in my life, but my husband... we have three children together... its just really hard thinking that the past almost decade was all for nothing. That all the fighting for our relationship was for nothing... like I wasted my time.

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   1. 0

      CJ Sledgehammerposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Just know that I feel your pain, too, for I have already walked in your shoes and have seen the rising sun. Best wishes and be well - C.J.
      
      P.S. I'll be here if you want to talk further. Sometimes talking about things helps the healing process along.

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   2. 61

      duffsmomposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Anaydena - it was not all for nothing. You have 3 wonderful children who need you.  And believe it or not that last decade will be a learning experience once the pain lessens and you can feel again.

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   3. 0

      CJ Sledgehammerposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Great point, Duffsmom. My love for the Almighty and my precious children kept me going...even when I felt so alone.

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   4. 72

      Anaydenaposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you... I think that could help. Thank you.

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6. 70

   dashingscorpioposted 12 years ago

   How do you get over a broken heart? Gradually.
   There is no magic pill or elixir one can take that will make them instantly feel good about breaking up or divorce especially if they wanted the relationship to continue.
   The first step in getting over a broken heart is actually (WANTING) to get over it. You have to be honest with yourself. "If you don't want to move on then it's impossible to move on."
   The next step is you must be willing to (accept it's over). It's been said, "Hope springs eternal". You can't move on if deep down you are still (hoping) things will work out.
   If you have gone through those first steps the next one is do some HONEST "introspective thinking" about the relationship. Write down your ideal traits for a mate and then compare it to your husband. Was he really "the one" or were you trying to change water into wine?
   Put things in perspective. In your comment you wrote: "we have three children together... its just really hard thinking that the past almost decade was all for nothing." I'm certain you do not consider your children as being "nothing".
   Originally you also said: "We have been through almost everything a relationship can go through." Usually that is code for there has been a lot of "drama". The only thing worse than 10 years in a toxic relationship is ten years and one day! You have to let go of the notion that "Staying together for the sake of staying together is a recipe for happiness." You stated he is putting the blame (on you) because you don't "trust him". Only you know whether or not you trust him. However if you really don't trust him then it makes no sense to want to be married to someone you don't trust. Know yourself, Love yourself, and Trust yourself. If something doesn't feel right to you then it's probably not right for you.
   Emotional security comes from having faith, family, friends, and co-workers who are there for you. As I stated earlier it takes time. You may also want to read some helpful books. Much of what I stated is in my book: "My Cat Won't Bark! (A Relationship Epiphany). Feel free to read a description on Amazon. Best of luck! Sincerely.

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   1. 72

      Anaydenaposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      No, it wasn't, it meant that we've been through almost everything, good and bad. Our children's births, finding out about our son's autism, deaths in the family, cheating, etc. The good and the bad. I thank you, however, for taking the time to read.

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   2. 70

      dashingscorpioposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks for the additional explanation. However I'd say a lot of people would consider cheating to be "drama" as well as being a "deal breaker". It's rare for couples to solve their problems (living apart). You may be right about him dating again.

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7. 61

   duffsmomposted 12 years ago

   This is horrible for you, I know. And it seems that life is ugly and too much trouble at this moment.  I can only assure you that time will heal this. I know it does not seem like it now - but time will pass and you will begin to heal and have interest in things once again.  Hang on, it will happen gradually, a little bit at a time until you notice you are feeling better.
   
   I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

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8. 60

   weddingfavoriteposted 5 years ago

   Date Yourself
   
   The broken-hearted often struggle with remembering who they were before their recent breakup. They see themselves in the context of the relationship and forget that they were once fully functional, interesting, and even desirable people when they were single. Your relationship should not have defined you then, and it certainly should not now. This is why I encourage you to rediscover yourself by dating yourself: “Dating yourself is a way for you to become more mindful of how you are feeling, what is going on in your mind and why you might behave in a certain way.” It also helps you get in touch with what your needs and wants are. Here are the steps:
   
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   Step 1: Set time aside to date yourself by scheduling it in. Make yourself a priority.
   
   Step 2: Decide what you are going to do with that time. Make sure it is something you want to do!
   
   Step 3: Engage in dating prep. Why should you only spend time getting all dolled up for someone else?
   
   Step 4: Go on the date with mindful presence . . . Be open to the experience, and enjoy the moment.

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