How do you convince your partner that fighting in front of your children negatively affects them?
It has been my experience one spouse can not convince the other. It takes an outside influence. It has to be someone trusted by the one who starts the yelling. If you yell to make them visit this person you will lose what you are trying to gain.
Every child we have had here who came from an abusive relationship is damaged in some way by the yelling then hitting they see happening to their mother or father. Most spend time in therapy starting at around age 8.
It takes the younger ones a long time to come out of the shell they curl up in. If they are under four chances are a change in life style at this time will help this from being a problem later in life. Even at 3 and 4 though there are certain traumatic experiences which might not be forgotten.
Everyone here learns a lot from the people who come in to help the parents and children we have taken in. There is generally someone one in three hours each week. Each is working with the child and the parent.
I will definitely keep your advice in mind. Thank you.
I do agree with IBURLmaster in that children should be taught by example how to handle situations which can happen in marriages. This should be taught starting around ten and not during heated yelling discussions. Those should still be kept private.
You actually debate about this?! Did your partner ever see his parents fighting? It sounds like fighting was common in his house. It's very emotional for a child to witness. Their parents, the rock and soul of their being, are arguing. It brings doubt to the child's mind and causes them to understand the world isn't as trustworthy as they thought. I remember watching my parents fight in the kitchen and thinking my world would end. Since that night, they never faught too much in front of me again. Over the years I figured out they care about each other too much to leave, but at a young age a child's brain normally doesn't process that. However, when I mean fighting, I speak of yelling, red faces, almost on the verge of hitting each other. Little fights are actually important for a child to witness. For example, my husband's parents never faught in front of him. Then when he was older and out of the house, they got a divorce. He never saw it coming and it ruined his perspective of marriage, relationships, etc. Because he never saw his parents arguing, he doesn't know what to do when we argue. His coping style is almost non-existant.
When a child observes their parents having a little discussion, they learn how to deal with other people. But if the fight they see is too heated, they will possibly blame it on themselves, and lose trust in their world.
I don't think it does. Making it look like everything is roses makes the child not see things as they really are. It makes them think that everything is roses and will see through rose colored glasses when they become adults. It prevents them from having or learning coping skills when they themselves might fight with a partner later in their lives. This causes divorce to go higher because the adults were not taught those coping skills when growing up.
If you want to convince your partner that fighting in front of your children affects them negatively then you have tell them. You need to let them know exactly how you feel about it. Take time to sit and openly discuss how you feel about it. If you believe that it is not good to fight in front of your kids, then leave the room when a fight is about to happen. It was mentioned that it is better to have someone outside the situation tell them. This could also help a lot.
If this is something that scares you to do, to talk to them I mean, you must realize that your children come first. In that sense you must be willing to step up and put foot down in this matter. Change does not just happen, change is made.
So, in short, sit down and talk to them, if they don't listen, get an outside source to tell them, and finally if all else fails .....foot down. Understand. Get um tiger.
I think that when it get's to the point that one party is absolutely unwilling to change their behavior then outside help probably would be beneficial. Also I think it makes a difference if we're referring to minor conflicts or abusive behavior.
When my ex I were together, we fought horribly. He was very abusive. My oldest children saw this and were traumatized. When I became pregnant, it was after I asked for a divorce. My ex and I had tried to work things out "one more time" and that's when I became pregnant with my third child. My last child is very well adjusted (because she never lived with her father) but my older two are more fearful in nature at any kind of conflict and do not even like scary movies, even though they are teens and their friends go... they won't go. My teen son never wrestles with his friends, even though that seems like normal boy behavior. He hates it. Now, my ex and I are friends. We still disagree but since he underwent almost 2 years of therapy, he learned how wrong he was. He never fought like that with me again. We get along well and the children see us disagree but when we do, it's respectfully and without the yelling or cursing. He does not call me names. We talk it out. Because of his verbal abuse, he lost all custody of his kids. It was a hard lesson for him but my son was honest and was willing to tell the judge what a hell he had lived through because of his father. My ex was remorseful and has tried to make it up to the kids but the fact is they are scarred.
So, imo, if it's infrequent, get professional help to work this out. But, if it's serious and abusive, just get out of the marriage and into a safe environment with your kids... even if that means a women's shelter. Studies show that physical abusers started as emotional/verbal abusers...
I think the best way to convince them is to show them! How? Children are truly like sponges and will absorb a lot of the world around them, and will let loose of what they have absorbed at anytime. Whether your children have witnessed positive or negative behavior they are going to act out these scenarios during play time. Have your partner observe your children play with each other or other play dates. Even if your partner just listens to the children they may hear language that was used or constantly used during fights. I'm sure the most recent fights will be played out during their interactions. I know that I've personally witnessed kids do all kinds of things during play that they've observed in their homes. Try communicating with your partner about how would you like to handle tense situations between you when the children are around. Fighting doesn't resolve anything it just makes the situation more tense for everyone involved.
First off, I would like to say that I am sorry to read that you are experiencing relationship complications if it be the case; if not, my apologies. This question has potential to be some what difficult in answering, depending on the type of listener your partner is and the TYPE of person they are. And also it could be the environment they themselves were raised in and how they were treated, and (none of my business) what category of "fighting" you and your partner are doing.
Case in example: I was between the age of 9-11 years old when my parents divorced; they argued ALL the time. There was no hitting involved (at lease none that I am aware of) and drugs and alcohol were not involved either. Both my parents came from homes that had alcohol and verbal/physical abuse but fortunately by the grace of God I did not have to go through that. Also I was raised in a religious home (not blaming religion because I myself am religious and go to church and am seeking to know and love Jesus) and I was rebellious and always into trouble. My dad and I weren't really close and he had a temper on him. So now I am married and had views on things from how I grew up and long story short these views and other issues caused a separation for some months and all is well.
Truth of it all is that children have very impressionable minds; yelling, fighting, cursing, threats, drugs, alcohol, ANYTHING in these alleys affect children. Even TV and video games mess them up DEPENDING on WHAT they watch/play and/or for what time to whenever. Some places have the law set up to where those involved in any violent activity of any kind towards or even NEAR a child will charge child-abuse; they say to go outside or seek counseling. Because WHATEVER the child sees, hears, or experiences whether good or bad effects them depending on what it was they saw, heard, or experienced. Another factor is if either parents have histories of mental disorder/illness in their family, it can and has been genetically inherited....and if the kid is born with those genes, plus a stressful environment of any kind, then it more than like will get worse. What the kid sees and hears from the parents he/she will more than likely adopt those same examples. This is one of the big reasons why kids grow up today and become the useless, criminal minded individuals in society and living in our neighborhoods at this moment. OK, maybe went a little bit overboard but YOUR kids ARE the leaders of tomorrow.....
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