Is my wife cheating?
My wife refuses to do anything else on the computer apart from playing Sims 3 and Second Life. We have been married for 9 years and I know that she has been playing the Sims from its inception many years back in her teen years and started on Second Life about 4 years ago.
She hangs out with a particular guy in Second life. This made me curious since it is an online game and I know that she is interacting with a real person. She spends a lot of time with this character and I am jealous. I told her to stop. Am I being stupid? Can she actually cheat in the game or should I leave her alone?
I'd have to say you wife is probably not cheating on you, she's more cheating her own life.
People who join these games are similar to avid readers, the story they are reading or in this case telling is gratifying at some level. It could be because she looks HOT in her story, or it could be she has the perfect job - the addiction is generally about something that isn't achievable in real life.
In this case you say she's hanging out with a "real" person, ask three questions, does she know the real identity of this person outside the game, where is the person really lives? And what is he bringing to her that she feels she isn't getting in the real world?
I'll liken this to a romance I had years ago. My gent wasn't particularly interested in sex, after some exploration I discovered he preferred porn to real women. The problem is real women don't behave like porn characters, and he confessed that even when one tried, real women didn't compare with the fantasy he got from his porn. I'd say your job right now is to find out what your wife thinks is missing from her real life. And you'll have to gracious about it, jealousy and anger will get you no where.
Best of luck....
Thanks Colleen. She does not know the man but it hurts to see her get so excited about spending time with him. I think I'll take her out more and stay with the kids sometimes so she can go out with her friends. Hope this will get her back to reality.
I like Collen's answer except for "avid reader" thing. Avid reading can be a part of more enriched/more whole life when people find ways to be clever/efficient with use of waking/sleep/waiting/commuting hours (etc.).
Colleen has a great answer. I have often wondered the same thing about people who play on these sites. I watched a documentary about it a few months ago about this particular subject. The consensus was that the partner "is" cheating because his/her emotions are wrapped up in that imaginary life. Cheating isn't just physical. Sometimes, emotional cheating can be more devastating. With these type games, one may not know who her partner is for "real" life, but both persons are still acting out their fantasies and emotions which are real. This is why the consensus is that the partner is cheating. And, if she is cheating you out of your time together, I would say you are not being stupid. Though she may be satisfied with her games, your satisfaction is in her and your cup is emptying.
In many ways cheating is in the eye of the beholder.
If one feels they are being "robbed" of quality time with their mate because she or he is (spending) it with someone else they essentially feel cheated.
Once we get beyond the commonly agreed "cheating acts" such as secretly having sex with another person, kissing/making out, exchanging romantic emotionally charged or sexually explicit emails and texts.....Everything else is viewed differently by each individual.
Personally speaking I would not consider someone who plays computer or video games in cyber space to be cheating. Having said that I would not spend much time with someone who was "into" that kind of crap to begin with.
I think you were out of line to "tell" her to stop doing something (you knew) she had been doing since her teenage years. You are not her father! She is a grown woman. If you don't want a wife that plays computer games then you should have married a woman who did not play them! It's not rocket science.
To "go along" with someone's hobbies until they are emotionally invested in you and then insist they "change" is a game of manipulation. If you had made this (demand) when you first met odds are she would have never married you to begin with! This is clearly a "power play" move.
If this is truly a "deal breaker" and you're unhappy leave.
Ultimately everyone wants to be loved and appreciated for who they are. If you or your mate has to change their (core) being or give up something they (love) in order for you to be happy together then you are wrong for each other! Thankfully there are over 7 billion people on the planet. Odds are you could find someone who (shares) your same values. The only person you can "control" is you! Best of luck!
One man's opinion! :-)
Thanks for sharing. I do appreciate my wife's hobbies and I have never interfered with her gaming before until now. Since 3 weeks ago, if left alone, she will play all night and for at least 8 hours in the day. Its really bad and we have young kids.
Well, The Bible says that those who as much as looks at another with passion or a longing, has already committed adultery in their hearts. Which is grounds for divorce, because they have cheated in their heart.
My Christian wife was just like that play this demonic game the whole night eight months later she said she wanted a divorce she wants to go live with a so called guy friend she never even met! Games evil, does your wife still play this game?
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