How does one stop thinking and missing an Abusive ex boyfriend?

1. 62

   moiponetsokaposted 10 years ago

   How does one stop thinking and missing an Abusive ex boyfriend?
   
   finally walked out of an abusive relationship.Still missing an ex that treated me bad very very bad.... how do I let go when I still think about how good real good things were.

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2. 81

   Attikosposted 10 years ago

   Get another boy friend. When your dog dies, you miss him, and the cure is another dog. When your relationship dies, you miss it, and the cure is another lover, preferably one this time who will not break your trust.
   
   You have heard the old aphorism there are a lot of fish in the sea. So it is. Stop moping. Get up and go catch yourself one.

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   1. 62

      moiponetsokaposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      ATTIKOS tell me u are kidding yes there is plenty of fish but jumping into another relationship wont solve a thing. thanks for answer

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   2. 81

      Attikosposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      No kidding. You don't have to make it a relationship. Get yourself two or three boys. What you need is companionship, strengthening of your confidence, compliment, even flattery,

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   3. 62

      moiponetsokaposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      thanks Attikos will do that....

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3. 73

   dashingscorpioposted 10 years ago

   "Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."
   - Oscar Wilde
   Clearly if someone abuses you they don't think you're (special).
   If you had an adult daughter in the same situation; what advice would you give to her? Take your own advice!
   Attikos makes a valid point. You really have not moved on until you start seeing other people. You can't get to second base if you insist on keeping one foot on first base. Loving yourself means looking out for (your) best interest. Going back to an abuser is the same as saying you enjoy being treated that way.
   In all honesty some people really do enjoy having drama in their lives. They'd be absolutely bored with someone who was kind, showed them respect, and was easy going. The only reason they end a relationship is because their family, friends, or society tell them they need to leave because it's a "toxic" situation. I've learned over the years there is no such thing as a "universal deal breaker". Whatever you or I could come up with there are people living under those conditions who have no plans of going anywhere!
   The first step is you have to be honest with yourself. Do you really want to move on? If the answer is yes you may want to read my breakup method hub. http://dashingscorpio.hubpages.com/hub/ABreakupMethod
   The second step is surround yourself with family and friends who care about your well being. If this has been a pattern of poor mate selection with you then you may consider seeing a therapist to help guide you with changing your thought processes. You might also read some helpful books. Mine is titled My Cat Won't Bark! (A Relationship Epiphany) http://www.amazon.com/Cat-Wont-Bark-Rel … 1468104721
   Lastly it is very common for one to "romanticize" a past relationship. They remember what they want to remember or they hope he or she will "change" if they go back. The truth is they are being LAZY! Going back is easier than working on themselves and setting out to find a new person. Best of luck!

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   1. 62

      moiponetsokaposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      wow dashingscorpio i needed that thanks for the thoughtful reply n will surely read the link u sent an  u are right i need therapy

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      Brynn Thorssenposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Your first statement isn't true; an abuser will often treat you exceptionally well before he has snared you in his web.

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4. 72

   Seek-n-Findposted 10 years ago

   The battle must be won in the mind--how you think about and perceive things.  There are always roots to why we do things that just don't make sense.  There must be some lies that you've believed (probably instilled in childhood) that allowed the connection to form so strongly with the abuser. 
   
   You probably maximized the "good" and minimized the "bad" while in the relationship.  Just because you walked out, doesn't mean you automatically changed your way of thinking--you probably are still now doing the same. 
   
   The roots could be many things--it is different for each person.  Perhaps it was a co-dependent relationship--where you believed some kind of lie about what you deserved.  It could be a worth issue. 
   
   I think there might be some sort of fear issue.  What is it that you are afraid of by not being with him?  What are you afraid of when being with him?  Fear attacks on both sides of the equation. 
   
   I think manipulation is really a big part of abusive relationships, too.  I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and my ex just got me so confused because he didn't do it all the time--but he'd do it enough to make me question my sanity instead of questioning his.  I believed that he must be right.  I was so deep into it that I couldn't even see clearly. 
   
   My journey towards healing started with reprogramming my mind to think in a healthy way.  Then there was inner-healing, prayer, and learning my true identity and learning to love myself (and others) enough to set boundaries. 
   
   Perhaps you don't miss your ex...but something that you got out of the relationship but in an unhealthy context. 
   
   Finding another "fish in the sea" until you deal with these issues probably won't help and you are likely to attract the same type of person until you change your beliefs about yourself and relationships and come into a place of healing and wholeness.
   
   You can do it!  Try not to go into past "shoulds" or future "what ifs" but live in the present.  Deal with your own "demons" and then your next relationship will have a much better chance for success and healthy love.

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   1. 62

      moiponetsokaposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      thank you so much. it actually makes sense

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5. 46

   DDEposted 10 years ago

   You should now be thinking of  how badly he treated you  the good times will always be in your memory but yo focus should be of why you left and that  should put him off your mind.

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   1. 62

      moiponetsokaposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      thank u

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6. 54

   peter565posted 9 years ago

   (1) Don't date bad boys.  Too many women got a thing for bad boys.  If you date a bad boys, of course he is going to bash you up.
   
   (2) There is nothing wrong about been single. Too many women think been in a relationship is a must and believe "having an abusive man is better then having no man." stop thinking that way. remember "it is better to be single, then to be with the wrong person, even if it mean, staying single forever."
   
   (3) Stop chasing after fairy tale. Too many women in western society have a thing for fairy tale romance. and nearly all the time, it push a woman into abusive relationship.  The western world have the highest rate of abuse towards women in the develop world 48%.  I would like to present you to read these two article publish by Unviersity of North Carlifornia and University of Victoria
   http://spr.sagepub.com/content/18/2/239.short
   http://fap.sagepub.com/content/11/3/305.short
   
   I also wrote a book base on academic research on this topic topic too, if you would like to have a look.
   http://www.amazon.com/Cinderella-Tears- … ella+tears

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   1. 62

      moiponetsokaposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      thank you

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