Why can't I get over my EX? Even though we've both moved on?

1. 56

   Jes Haireposted 10 years ago

   Why can't I get over my EX? Even though we've both moved on?
   
   Not sexual! But there's definitely still a connection..

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2. 73

   dashingscorpioposted 10 years ago

   If you truly had moved on you would not be wondering; Why I can't get over my ex...etc because you would be happy and focused on your current relationship or place in life.
   No matter how bad the relationship was whatever initially attracted you to someone will always remain on some level. Just because the relationship didn't work out doesn't mean you dislike everything about your ex. You may still enjoy their sense of humor, the way they carry them self, or those times when you have meaningful conversations.
   However it's not a sign that you haven't "moved on" (unless) deep down a part of you wants to get back with your ex.  It's not uncommon for people to "romanticize the past" as time goes by. They start to only remember (the good times) and not what led to the breakup/divorce.
   Just remember that in order for your ex to be "the one" he would have to see you as being "the one". At the very least a "soul-mate" is someone who (actually wants to be with) you and vice versa!

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3. 73

   Lady Summersetposted 10 years ago

   It's familiarity!  Like that old, ratty, piled bath robe that we need to get rid of but because of the that that it is comfortable and been around a while, it is your go to robe while brand new ones are saved in the draw waiting for something special! 

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4. 60

   Arco Hess Designsposted 10 years ago

   Old relationships will always be part of us. You had experiences together, good and bad. Sometimes though, you can be too connected still. Ask yourself why. Did you have closure? If not, you need it.

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5. 93

   Billie Kelpinposted 10 years ago

   Jes,
   Your former spouse is imprinted in your psyche. You have history together. You loved and believed in the promise of love and probably were connected on the deepest level on which human beings can be connected.  If you have a child together, your child is part of you and part of your spouse.  There are hereditary characteristics that reflect your spouse.  (I suspect you were not the one who wanted the divorce.) 
   
   I disagree with the other hub writers here that your question is an indication of not "moving on". No one DOESN'T "move on" except those who have committed suicide or who are dead!  We all move on.  We have to.  We have to live life and carry on for our children.  And we do. The fact that we are open with our feelings is not an indication that we are "emotionally delayed", but that we are truly introspective and intellectually honest with ourselves. As for closure, there is none. No one sends flowers and no one cries. After all, as one well-intentioned family member said to me, "No one died!" That's precisely why it's especially difficult.
   People of divorce, especially those who never wanted it, are extremely courageous and I imagine you are too. If your heart is aching, your heart is aching. Time is the only healer. 
   Purposeful distraction gets us through and we learn to "walk and chew gum" meaning that we have purposeful, meaningful lives inspite of pain and regret.  I think "not getting over" a former spouse is an indication of the depth of your ability to love, your loyalty, your sensitivity. Just know there are those who walk the same path as you do.  There is nothing wrong with us.  There is nothing psychologically inferior about us. Very few will understand what you feel and it's a futile and frustrating battle to make them try. There will come a time when you don't have to.  I hope it's comforting to know even though you may never meet them, many DO understand and empathize and carry, in their hearts, a connection with you, and wish you joy beyond any measure of your pain.

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   1. 73

      dashingscorpioposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      I believe when people say someone hasn't moved on they don't mean they have not "carried on" with life. What we're saying is a person is not (completely emotionally available) to be involved with a NEW person because they're still tied to their ex

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   2. 93

      Billie Kelpinposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Dashing, I've never been completely emotionally available to my new husband, but neither is he to me!   He can't even TALK about his former wife (24 yr ago)  We just hold each other's hand and muddle through together with gratitude for the present.

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   3. 73

      dashingscorpioposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Billie Kelpin, Would you say your husband has "moved on" or "carried on" after his former wife? It's scary to be (completely emotional available) and vulnerable especially after heartache. Most people choose to avoid it if possible.

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   4. 93

      Billie Kelpinposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Dashing, I'll concede. Semantically, we both have "carried on".   After 25 years in and out of counseling, that's all I can muster.  He hasn't gone to counseling, but the results would probably be the same.  It was just too important to be otherwise.

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6. 45

   DDEposted 10 years ago

   I know that there will always be a connection between two people who were once married and divorced. Kids or no kids they will always find a way to chat  about each other when not present. They kind of hold on to what was in some ways during events or tragedies.
   Remember they do have a certain amount of history together and the past always comes up.

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7. 80

   sweetpikezposted 10 years ago

   Wound doesn't heal fast. Though we are saying ''we're okay" or "we've moved on", the reality still bites. The memories are still there. The spark is undeniable especially if you had a long and deep relationship with your ex. Only time can say that we've really moved on not our mouth.

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