Do you distinguish a difference between your "deal breakers" and "red flags" when dating?
If you observe something you consider to be a "red flag" or potential problem in a relationship is it an automatic "deal breaker" for you? or Do you take a wait and see approach? or
Do you find you only acknowledge "red flags" in (hindsight) after a relationship has ended?
Great question. I was actually talking about this the other night with my current lady friend. Obviously a deal breaker is a deal breaker, but when I come across red flags I have learned to be able to keep the switch from turning off immediately. I have developed the ability to analyze the flag, and observe the behavior to see if the flag is recurring and developing into a deal breaker or if it is a misunderstanding or unintentional. I cant say that it does not raise my guard though as depending on the type of flag I could become skeptical and less trusting.
After the ending of my relationships I never acknowledge any red flags. When I observe a "red flag" I automatically go away... never got involved with "red flagged" people (even for friendships I tend to go away on "red flag")... but, well, I'm a bit anti-social.
Sometimes a perceived "red flag" turns out to be a harmless case of miscommunication or misunderstanding. Anyone who has been hurt before is likely to automatically distrust someone who reminds them of a past situation. Thanks for your answer.
A red flag is a deal breaker ... period. I can, of course, analyze body language and patterns of speech. And I've learned to read the unconscious information people are sending out. I know if a person is worthy of my time within a few minutes of talking to them.
So you might say I'm restrained by too many past learning experiences to become infatuated with anyone--even millionaires--unless there is some sign of moral integrity.
Sorry for being so blunt and sounding so egocentric.
Dr Billy Kidd, I appreciate your answer. Imagine you were dating someone who told you they would meet you for dinner but you didn't hear from them until the next day. The excuse given didn't (sound) true. "Deal breaker" or "red flag"? hmm
dashingscorpio, I really like the way you can analyze things!
Say that I'm dating someone and they forget about our dinner date: the first time this happens and there's a hallow excuse ...I used to consider it a red flag, but today I want the truth.
Dr Billy Kidd, You are one brave soul!
Most people under those circumstances would rather believe a lie than press for the truth. "The truth may set you free but first it's going to hurt like hell." Some people try too hard to avoid the truth.
You saw red flag. Is it due to your perceived problem with her or her perceived problem with you?
If it is her perceived problem with you, and you want the relationship to continue, you can wait. If no rapprochement happens, then she has considered it a "deal breaker".
If it is other way round, it is up to you to sort out the issues, to re-establish the contact or treat it as a "deal breaker".
C.V.Rajan; This is a hypothetical question. I'm curious to know if the average person considers "red flags" to be automatic "deal breakers" or if they view them as "potential problems" they should keep an eye on.
a balanced view from you as usual C.V. Rajan
My first reaction is almost always to see what it is in me that labels it a red flag. If I don't like that part of myself, I change it and all my relationships are affected. I expect the same from him, knowing that he can change too, if he wants.
It depends on how manyyou choose to tolerate or put up with
It depends on how many red flags you choose to tolerate or put up with.Sometimes enough is enough and the resistance from another person to direct communication prevails and leaves you no choice except to opt out and those frequent deal breakers are enough to learn from and move on-simple as that. this is a good question
a red flag is a deal breaker. a person will change only if they want to change. so, if there is something about them that is a red flag for you, it must be a deal beaker. it is not a good idea to enter into a relationship with a red flag up and hope that the person will change somewhere down the road only to reach that point down the road and end things because that change did not happen. by that time, you have already invested time and emotions. set your standards, make them realistic standards, and stick to your standards. if you made something a red flag, you made it that way for a reason. stick to it. now, everyone has their flaws, but when it comes to realationships, one should not settle. you do not have to completely rule the person out, just don't enter into a relationship with that person until they are no longer a red flag.
simple as that as right-it is matter of making good choices in the journey of life.
I know a man who used to get angry too often. Since I didn't like it, when he was angry at me I walked away. Next time I saw him I was warm - ignored the anger, but discussed the trigger. He doesn't do that anymore, either with me or others.
Foolishly, I've taken a "wait and see" attitude only to be burned. For example, if you find out during the first month of dating that your partner is still dating someone else and sees her too frequently to be considered a friend or is keeping the two of you separate, that goes beyond being a red flag and should be a deal breaker. I've been foolish enough to give the man the benefit of the doubt that maybe the other woman was just a close friend only to be burned. A huge red flag also is when, you sleep with the guy for the first time, and see pictures of his ex girlfriend in the room. Get out and get out fast. No second chances. Obviously, he's not over her.
Unemployment is another deal breaker. Men need jobs to afford to date women and I'm not one to go dutch. They can get back to me once they are gainfully employed.
However, there are other situations where I will give the man a "wait and see" chance. I'd like to date spiritual men but not all of them are believers. I am not going to use his faith or lack of it to break off a relationship. I would prefer to date men with college degrees but if the man has a job in a good paying trade then I would overlook that.
I am a reader and very intellectually curious. I enjoy museums and books but not every man does. Many enjoy sports instead which I hate. However, that is not a deal breaker as people are allowed to have different interests. Political beliefs are of no issue to me, no matter the party affiliation.
Now the lack of desire to travel is huge deal breaker for me. It's in my blood to see the world and I've had the chance to do so with my husband. I was shocked recently by a man who stated that he was too afraid to get on a plane and would be perfectly happy just driving around Texas (where I live). Boring. I know traveling the world is expensive but road trips to different states can be fun and learning and I'd be amenable to that but any man I choose must travel.
A lot of folks give people "the benefit of the doubt" early on or try to adapt when they're attracted to a (new) person. Thus the adage: "Love is blind". They see what they want to see. "Red flags" are often (differences) that cause issues later.
Great topic DS! Long ago I met this wonderful and loving person with all red flags when we were introduced and the next two meeting later.
These were not dates; just some associates trying to make us conveniently be in the same place at the same time. Come to find out this man was trying too hard and we ended up together for years until his death. I was very happy and privileged to have given him the benefit of the doubt.
On the other hand...
I've dated a man that makes the most fabulous lies and promises and gives the most compliments.I was so unbelievably entertained by this. He needed his own reality talk show for sure! It gets better....He ignored that fact that he lied until cornered..incredible!
Lying is was my deal breaker.
My point is that we decide if the person is worth our time and for how long. If they possess qualities you enjoy and you are happier with them than without then what does a red flag really mean????? All I'm saying is I had some of the best times with some red flagging deal breaking people!
TRUTH:Looks, education, money, sex, cars,excitement, etc have made other wise undesirable people suddenly very attractive. No one perfect but someone is perfect for you. Put your rule book away when you find them and they may do the same for you.
"All I'm saying is I had some of the best times with some red flagging deal breaking people!" Elearn4Life you sound like a courageous risk taker!
Thanks for your answer!
I've been friends with a person I would never marry for over 30 years. They are just as irresponsible as they were then. I agree that people looking for real love avoid these types; they rarely change.
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