The effects of divorce on the children`s future relationship

1. 83

   mtkomoriposted 5 years ago

   Is it true that if your parents divorced when you were a child, the chances of your getting divorced as an adult increases? What is the effect of being raised by a father only or mother only household? I was curious since my sister is divorced and is raising her 10-year old son without the help of her son`s father.  She lives with my elderly parents so she`s not entirely alone in raising her son.

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   1. 72

      dashingscorpioposted 5 years agoin reply to this

      Yes and no.
      There are three basic reasons why couples divorce in the U.S.
      
      1. They chose the wrong mate. (They're too incompatible!)
      
      2. A "deal breaker" was committed in one of their eyes.
      
      3. They fell out of love/stopped wanting the same things.
      
      Being a child of divorce means you have witnessed or gone through the process and made it through to the other side. Therefore you are not likely to have the same "fear of the unknown" as someone who has never been close to someone who actually went through divorce.
      Essentially  you KNOW divorce is NOT the end of the world!
      
      Having said that (women) initiate 66% or 2/3rds of all divorce filings in the U.S. It has been speculated that better career opportunities and higher incomes play a major factor. In the past many women relied on their husbands financially and divorce presented much more of a hardship.
      
      The more options one has the less crap they will put up with!

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      1. 82

         gmwilliamsposted 5 years agoin reply to this

         +10000000000000000000000000000000000, Mr. Dashing.

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      2. 83

         mtkomoriposted 5 years agoin reply to this

         What exactly is a "deal breaker" is this context? I think you mentioned the same term when I posted a discussion on "shotgun marriages".

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         1. 72

            dashingscorpioposted 5 years agoin reply to this

            Each of us has our own "deal breakers".
            
            One example might be if you are dating/married to someone and you find out your mate is having sex {with other people}. Once you know this you make the decision to walk away from the relationship or marriage because (cheating) is a "deal breaker" for (you).
            Whether or not your parents were divorced has nothing to do with it.
            
            Anyone who has an ounce of self-esteem will have boundaries and "deal breakers" whereby they will not tolerate certain behaviors from others.
            
            To love yourself means not being a doormat for other people.
            You are entitled to have your own rules as to what is acceptable behavior.
            
            Another way of looking at it is there is "a line in the sand" whereby if someone crosses it you are done with them. As I noted "deal breakers" vary from person to person. (cheating, verbal/physical abuse, engaging in criminal behavior, alcohol/drug/gambling/porn addictions, continuous financial instability, emotional/physical neglect, or one person wants children and the other has decided they do not want them...etc.)
            Any of those scenarios might be a "deal breaker" for someone.
            
            There is no amount of "work" or "communication" which can overcome being with someone who simply does NOT want what you want.
            
            When you decide you can no longer live a happy life under certain conditions within your relationship/marriage it's a "deal breaker".
            To remain there is to not love yourself. Suffering is optional.

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2. 83

   mtkomoriposted 5 years ago

   @dashingscorpio, thanks for your insightful explanation. As you say,  if your needs are not the same as your spouse`s needs, then communication isn`t likely to save the relationship. I still think that if the couple has worked hard to communicate their needs and wants and if they have worked out a solution or if one of them agrees to compromise, then they are less likely to commit a deal breaker. If the couple love and respect each other, then he/she should know what is unacceptable behavior in the eyes of his/her partner and would avoid such behavior that might ultimately lead to a divorce.

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   1. 72

      dashingscorpioposted 5 years agoin reply to this

      "If the couple love and respect each other, then he/she should know what is unacceptable behavior in the eyes of his/her partner and would avoid such behavior that might ultimately lead to a divorce." Good points.
      
      {Nevertheless no one on their wedding day plans to get divorced.}
      
      Relationships and marriages tend to evolve or fail over time.
      When someone is hurt or angry they care less about what is unacceptable behavior in their {spouse's} eyes.
      
      It's not uncommon for someone to intentionally say/do things they (know) will push their spouse's buttons/anger/hurt them.
      
      Anger is the Mask that Hurt wears.
      Retaliation/revenge are reactionary desires which may overpower logic.
      
      Oftentimes it's a momentary lapse in judgment that causes one to commit a "deal breaker" in their partner's eyes. In other instances such as cheating/infidelity most cheaters actually don't expect to get caught!
      
      Knowing the difference between right and wrong has never stopped anyone from actually doing anything wrong.
      Some people become violent over words that are said to them.
      They know it's wrong to hit or throw things at their mate.
      Having impulse control is often the key in such situations.
      
      When someone commits a "deal breaker" it is usually a short-term thinking decision which they believe will make (them) feel better in the moment. It's difficult to be angry or hurt yet be concerned for one's mate.
      
      We'd all be better off if we would recite the following quote before doing or saying anything which we may come to later regret.
      
      "While we are free to choose our actions, we are not free to choose the consequences of our actions." - Stephen R. Covey
      
      This is especially true since (we) don't get to decide what our mate's or spouse's "deal breakers" are nor when they may feel they've had enough.

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