We can "unlike" someone on Facebook, but how do we "un-love" someone in real life?
Assuming it is important to "un-love" a person - someone who has left you or has done something to endanger another, etc., what is the mental process of un-loving someone who may at one time been very dear to you? From watching programs like 20/20, etc, one would imagine there are many people who need this information. Perhaps it is unneccesary to "un-love" a person if you are able to compartmentalize your past life and your present life? This would be a good hub for someone to write, I think, if we, as a group, could come up with specific strategies that demonstrate this process.
It's not as hard as one might imagine.
People breakup and divorce from one another all of the time. They meet new people and remarry. Life goes on.
If this person is a family member or a neighbor we still have the ability to choose whom we spend our time with.
It's really not so much about "unloving someone" as it is learning to love oneself. Everyone is entitled to have "deal breakers" and boundaries. They help us to (be true to ourselves) and maintain our self-esteem.
Whenever someone allows another person to use them as a doormat it's an indication that they do not love them self. It's not abut the other person. To love yourself is to look out for yourself.
The world may not owe you anything but you owe yourself the world!
Each of us gets to choose our own friends, lovers, and spouse.
If we're unhappy with our choices we can learn to make wiser ones in the future. No one is "stuck" with anyone. Live, love, learn, move on.
"Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."
- Oscar Wilde
Dashing, Thanks for your response. The connection to loving yourself is a cognitive leap in my mind. You must never allow a person to treat you like a doormat, of course, but disassociating doesn't mean that you don't love the person who once was
Billie, Disassociating is the first step. Just as it took time to love someone it will take time not to be emotionally invested them as well. Nothing happens overnight. The more focus on other aspects of your life and people gradually it works.
We may choose our own friends, lovers, and spouse, but no one chooses family members, and, while one may establish boundaries and "deal-breakers" with any of them, even choose not to spend time with them, it's just different.
Jaye D., " You, correct that we don't get to choose our family. However do have a say as to whether or not we associate with them or not. If you have "toxic family members" you're not stuck dealing with them.
"Friends are the family we choose."
It is really hard to unlove a person. Speaking from my own experience, i've really loved a particular person & had never thought there'd b a time we'd be apart.
But as time goes on, he hurt me in a way i cld never imagine, gosh! It was devastating, but along the line, i made up my mind never to be in touch with him ever again, & i did, with the strength of my determination, i loathed him. I never spoke to him, & up until this moment, we're totally through, cos i don't love him anymore...
So, i think it depends on wat happened in the relationship & it takes determination to un-love.,.
Billie - When the person who has hurt you and/or others is a family member, it isn't always easy (or possible) to "un-love" that person. No matter what the provocation, that bond is often not able to be completely severed. You may continue to love and be concerned about that person, even if you no longer are in contact. This scenario is very sad because it makes healing difficult to impossible. Moving on is not easy with this type of baggage
When it is a friend, acquaintance, even a former lover or spouse, his or her actions may "kill" the love you once had and make it a "done deal", with no direct action on your part to stop loving. It just naturally happens, although it may take some time to occur. This second scenario is at least liberating and allows you to heal.
These different scenarios (from my perspective) seem to prove the old adage, "Blood is thicker than water."
Hi Jaye-girl! Why could we not have been so wise many years ago BEFORE all the heartache came? I suspect this is the way it must be....."Happy Mother's Day!!" Peace, Paula
We earned our wisdom the hard way, Paula! Now, if we could only convince the younger generation to learn from US, they could save themselves some heartaches. Unfortunately, most of them believe they have all the answers now. Take care. Jaye
Billie....If in fact, "We" as a group could come up with specific strategies that demonstrate a process to "Un-love" someone, "we" will have performed a miracle and all be able to retire to a mansion in Hawaii.
Sounds rather hopeless, doesn't it? IMHO, it is a futile effort. When we open our hearts to let someone in, it locks instinctively....human beings are possessive, protective & steadfast when it comes to those we feel a complete connection to....The more we love them, the stronger that lock becomes.
Even couples who have split & moved on to live their lives with someone else, merely mouth the words, "I Hate him/her," just to lighten the burden. Whenever love has once thrived, it never dies.....not completely.
We will always feel a void....and in private moments, perhaps even shed a tear, while all around us appears idyllic. Through all the happiness we experience, that twinge of sadness that just nags like an annoying fly buzzing around.
Please take it from me....it is NOT important to UN-love anyone, so give yourself a break and stop trying. By trying you are continually reminding yourself of that person. IF (big IF) it is ever meant to fade away, allow it to do so by natural causes.....the same natural causes that made you LOVE in the first place. .....Sound like a good idea? Bless you. Paula
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