jump to last post 1-13 of 13 discussions (19 posts)

Is she telling me the whole story?

  1. bigbeng profile image50
    bigbengposted 8 years ago

    My wife is in recovery for substance abuse and admitted to me finally that she has not been totally faithful with someone in her support group.  She says that they "only kissed a couple of times".  I found bank records showing they had been out to dinner and movies on a couple of occasions( she paid with our money). She says that he has not been back to the group since they decided to call it off.  How do i know this for sure since i am watching our two young children while she attends these meetings and really can't go out and check on her? And do i take her at her word that they "only kissed a couple of times and nothing more"?

    I do suffer from depression issues myself and realize that i am not totally healthy. Like i said, we have two small children and i want this marriage to work.  Is it worth it?

    1. alexandriaruthk profile image77
      alexandriaruthkposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      If you want it to work, and you accepted her again then make it work, it takes time before you will trust her again, but you need to focus and not always accuse her,

    2. Cagsil profile image59
      Cagsilposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      If you are willing to come to a forum and discuss....I would say you people are whacked.

      Since when is it appropiate to put your dirty laundry(problem) about your marriage?

      There isn't a need for this. It's obvious that you have a problem to address. Take it up with her. roll

    3. charitha animish profile image54
      charitha animishposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      hey bigbeng.. i am sorry to hear that. i am married too and i am sure i will be devastated if that append to me. but than.. i would not dig deeper into it. she confessed. otherwise you would never know about it. if you want to make this marriage work than let it go. its hard but its not impossible.if she ever does that to you again than you know it for sure that your marriage has come to end.

    4. caranoelle profile image83
      caranoelleposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Only you can decide if it is worth it bigben.  I think it is important to remember that a person with substance abuse problems is not honest to begin with.  Your wife needs to work on her honesty, no matter if you two stay together or not.  You need to decide if it is worth it for you to stay with your wife.  It is a proven fact that children are better off having their parents divorce, rather than stay together and be unhappy.  You need to set a positive relationship model for your children, and staying together unhappily will set a bad example.  It is a tough position to be in, I know.  It took me a very long time to come to the realization that my children would be okay, and better off, if I just left my husband, rather than continuing to fight and have issues all the time.  I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this.  You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

      Remember, "and this too, shall pass"

    5. profile image0
      cosetteposted 8 years agoin reply to this


      i have no answers for you, but i do agree with defenestratethis re: counseling. good luck.

  2. Death2theBarExam profile image54
    Death2theBarExamposted 8 years ago

    I have been through substance abuse treatment (in patient/outpatient/AA/NA).  If she is telling you that you aren't allowed to attend her meetings, she is lying. There is no reason that you can't attend these meetings w/her.  You can either find a sitter or bring the kids along w/you.  AA/NA is ESPECIALLY good about providing an area for children while the adults talk.  You are a VICTIM of her substance abuse.  You see her pain and are forgiving her for her shortcomings, but are ignoring the victimization that you have endured as a result of HER disease. When an addict is in recovery, many times the attention is all about that addict, and no treatment is given to the victims that addict has tortured along the way.  As a current addict that is on the road to recovery, this is what me and my boyfriend did.  We go to AA/NA together.  We go to couple's therapy together.  We each have our own separate therapist.  He has been as devastated (along w/my family/friends) from my substance abuse as I have myself.  Before worrying about the relationship you have w/her, worry first about getting help for yourself.  I pray that things work out for you both.  But, if they don't,I pray things work out for you as you are a true victim.

  3. Laura Thykeson profile image70
    Laura Thykesonposted 8 years ago

    I agree with Death2thebarexam. You can definitely go to the meetings with her. and I encourage you too. As a recovering addict, alcoholic, my ex not only wouldn't be a part of the recovery, he constantly accused me of cheating on him just because I was going (which I wasn't!). So, things didn't go so good for us. I suggest going with her, plus some counseling on top of things. The whole family has been a part of the problem in some way, the whole family needs to be a part of the recovery also. Trust is hard to win back, but I think it can be done it both want it badly enough. Truly, I wish you both good work, and remember-you have a right to heal yourself.

  4. Urbane Chaos profile image98
    Urbane Chaosposted 8 years ago

    Look dude, I'll be honest here.. There's something worse here than her cheating.  Cheating is bad, but the lack of honesty is worse.

    No relationship can survive for long without trust.  That's the bottom line.

    She may be telling the truth here, or she may not.. The thing that she has to do is to prove to you that you're the most important person in her life - and that means making a lot of compromises in order to take away all doubt that you may have here.

    Still, you can't change her, she has to want to change on her own.  You have to decide what you want to do now.  Do you want to be with someone that you can't trust?  Or, do you believe that the trust can be rebuilt? 

    Either way it goes, I suggest that you both get counseling for this.  They'll be able to teach you ways to not only build trust in one another again, but they will also help bring back that "spark" that you two once had.

    Bro, I wish you the best of luck here.. It's hard as hell going through something like that, but man, you'll be alright.. No matter what, just be true to yourself.

  5. TJChico profile image59
    TJChicoposted 8 years ago

    Kissed only a couple times? Yeah right.

  6. theirishobserver. profile image60
    theirishobserver.posted 8 years ago

    Firstly, there are many variables in your life, these variables are simply complicated by 'kissing' and 'unfaithfulness'....I think that your wife needs attention.....alot of attention...it appears that you have three children in your family and all need to be cared for equally......your own depression can in fact be a strength in this situation...because you can understand the need for attention and love.....however, in order for your situation to continue some body is going to have to get strong, there are some real possibilities here. You could take a very couragous decison and say I am going to put myself in a place of strength. If you do this, you will take yourself of to your GP or other health professional and address your problems in that forum. You will then keep your needs seperate from your wife's needs for now. You will support her in the fullest possible sense. You will encourgae her to engage with your children, You will encourge her to take walks in the park with you and the kids. Each day if you beleive in God, the moon, the stars or what ever your belief system is, you will thank that God for the gifts that you have. This is going to be hard work, no more feeling sorry for yourself and thinking it is all so unfair. No more sitting there thinking pitty me, no this will take a man of courage and determination. Start today and live tomorrow..

  7. Flightkeeper profile image71
    Flightkeeperposted 8 years ago

    Are you even sure that she's really going to meetings?

  8. tantrum profile image61
    tantrumposted 8 years ago

    I always wonder if this kind of thread is true.
    Who  would post intimate issues on a public forum ?
    I don't believe any of them.
    Nobody in his/her senses would post such intimate problems.

    and if this is the case, go and search professional help !!

    1. Sara Tonyn profile image57
      Sara Tonynposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Totally agree. Sumthin' don't smell right.

  9. profile image0
    lyricsingrayposted 8 years ago

    Hijack the thread!

  10. defenestratethis profile image56
    defenestratethisposted 8 years ago

    As a recovering dope fiend I can tell you that we lie. A LOT. Your wife has put you in a very painful position. She came clean with you to make herself feel better, not you. I agree with a lot of the other posters here, operate in your own best interests first and foremost..You have health issues? Tend to them. You are concerned about your children? Find new ways to be an even better dad. You're worried about your wife's honesty? Maybe some marital counseling will work. The thing about us addicts is..if we can always rely on a loved one to bail us out, or believe our lies, or allow us to manipulate them any time we want...well, we wont get better. A person like me needs to feel the full consequential impact of his/her choices to spur them onto change. If you make it too easy for her to get away with this kind of behavior, you'll inhibit any kind of growth for the marriage, for yourself, and for her. As another poster said, most AA and NA meetings are 'open' (meaning non-addicts may attend). Call her bluff, and go to a meeting with her, and seek out any Alanon meeetings as well. In Alanon, you will learn how to compassionately dettach from her behavior, and prevent yourself from further victimization as a result of her self-centered behavior.

  11. danielthorne profile image39
    danielthorneposted 8 years ago

    only kissed twice...and...sounds like partial truth...like kissed twice and then had sex...2 or 3 times...or more...

  12. figment profile image81
    figmentposted 8 years ago

    probably not... sometime leaving out the truth doesn't feel like lying

  13. affairdetector profile image54
    affairdetectorposted 8 years ago

    All i can say is you better talk to her.
    After all she did loved you, and you love her.
    All you need to do is to have an open communication regarding the matter, and also you might think what's the problem that cause her to do so, i mean going out with someone and do the kissing.

    I know theres beyond that.Thats the question you need to know, then by that you can solve the problem,.

    Good luck and God Bless!