In desperate need of some advice. I was actually trolling the internet in a despair and came upon this site by happen chance. I'm very interested to see how someone else in my situation would react.
Let me start off by explaining my situation. I've been married for just shy of 8 years to my high school sweet heart and the mother of my 6 year old daughter. We're each the only serious emotional or physical relationship we've ever had. I'm in the military, and we did the sterotypical get married straight away mistake that many military couple make. The first 5 years were absolute hell. As far as I know my wife has never cheated on me, and I've never cheated on her, but I feel that she has absolutely ruined me financially. I will say that I probably should have been more involved in the finances. I made the mistake of trusting and expecting a girl I knew very little about to handle our joint accounts and finances while I was deployed and training, ect. ect. So of course as I said, the first 6 years were horrible, and I imagine that's because we both still had alot of growing up to do.
So our daughter is born and we're trying to be good parents, live fiscally responsible and all that. However right before I deployed to Iraq, my social security number was compromised. In response I flagged my SSN, froze accounts and cards, set up a new direct deposit, ect. I left expecting my wife, who at this point in our marriage had really seemed to turn things around and be responsible with what honestly was my money, seeing as she had no education, and no job, and do to the fact that our daughter has some serious medical issues, decided to put finishing college off until things have stabilized. When I came back, everything seemed in order. Now I froze my bank card and changed to a new account as I said, and when I came back I spoke to my wife about getting more involved in the finances by getting a new bank card and helping to keep track of the spending and bills, but she insisted that the bank wasn't going to issue me a check card due to the SSN compromise, and afterall I had flagged my SSN for a number of years, so no lines of credit could be opened in my name, ect, as it was a fairly serious breach of identity.
I took my wife's word for it. Why would my wife lie to me right? And I was heavily involved in training for a new deployment and a career change, so I was more than happy to let her continue doing what appeared to be a good job. I tried to keep tabs, by constantly asking her how things were doing, were we dipping into our savings? Making ends meets? Everything is ok? I haven't heard you talk about the car payment in a while, it's all still caught up. Of course she indicated everything was fine.
Well about 2 months ago, I found out that she'd been lying to me the whole time. On a whim I decided to check my credit report, and there was all sorts of crap on there. Loans she had taken out in my name while I was deployed using a power of attorney. Bills that were now delinquent, ect ect. Just a total mess. Thankfully I had gotten suspicious enough to take a look, and again my fault for not being more proactive, but what bank won't even let an account holder have some kind of ATM card? When confronted about all this, she admitted to lying to me about it and told me her reason was because she had screwed up by squandering almost all the money I had made while I was in Iraq, and she was embarrassed about it, and due to all the work related stress I was undergoing, did not want me to worry about it, so every time I asked she would tell me a fairy tell to get me to leave her alone so she could figure out how to make the ends meet between pay checks. Of course she begged forgiveness and pledged to be honest with me about the finances from there on out, which to my knowledge she has. Thankfully we're not behind on any of our current bills, and have never been late on the loan payments, so the only delinquent debt we have is a few things on my credit report which totals less than 3000 dollars. I'm in a major career change right now, at the end of which I'll be receiving a decent bonus of cash.
However we got hit with a couple of unexpected expenses this month that really tightened up the paychecks. When speaking with her about how to handle this situation today, I pulled out the calculator and starting figuring in when I would get my bonus and be able to clean up the credit report, pay off the remainder of the loans, and with a impending promotion in rank, the pay raise would enable us to start putting a respectable about of money back into savings each month, and we could be back to the point I thought we were at before I found out she was lying to me, within a few months. But when I starting with the total of my bonus, and started subtracting all the debt, I was left with almost nothing at the end. Then I remembered all the money she had wasted over the course of our marriage. My first reenlistment bonus, all my combat pay, the pay from two non combat related deployments, and now most of this impending bonus. I tried to picture this 'woman' who I'd been married to for 8 years ever having the level of trust and responsibility to not throw away every dollar we have on scented candles and throw rugs. And to be honest I couldn't see that as possible.
I'm pretty much fed up with being in the military, and I had my heart set on getting out, but I just agreed to give up 4 more years of my life because my child is in desperate need of health care, and the bonus that is rightfully mine as a reward for reenlisting is once again going to dig myself out of a whole that I let my wife put me in. How much is too much? I don't know how much longer I can pretend that my wife ever really grew up. She comes from a relatively wealthy family, and I don't think she was raised with an understanding of how to pay bills, and not waste money. Lord knows I've tried to teach her, but everytime I go away from home for any length of time, it all goes for nought.
So I don't know what to do. I still love her, and I don't want my daughter to have to grow up in a split family. I know I'd be alright, with whats left of my bonus I could afford to get an apartment, start over, and still pay child support. But what of my wife? No education. No job skills. She and I both know she's going to run home to my mother-in-law, just like she does for every little emotional problem she has. She has no plan, and with the way I deploy, I cant have sole custody of our daughter. And I don't want my kid growing up in an environment where her mother is the typical divorced single mom with no job. I'm torn between cutting all ties, trying to get my life sorted, providing financial support for my child, and starting over. Or attempting to convince myself that the woman I love is actually capable of acting like an adult. With that being said, I could really use some advice, or at least an outside perspective.
Get out before you make the mistake I did. I spent years married to someone just like that, It never gets better, and sadly we never stop caring about them, but if they are not the same way about you then you are in for a world of hurt. So get out of that before she senses that you want to and gets you screwed out of visitation/partial custody. My kids are adopted now by a third party and the only reason I even get to see them occasionally is because it was a social worker who adopted them and she thought it would be better for them if I were in their life. The mom does not see them.
Wow did you walk into the wrong place for advice. Normally I would say go put this in one of your hubs and put a vote meter on it, but you joined 46 minutes ago, and have no hubs. Maybe you are a regular hubber and your wife is too. At which point you already told her who you are in describing your life.
Let's get one thing straight. You don't love her. You feel responsible for her. You worry about her and what will become of her if you cut her loose, which is natural when you've been together a long time. But she's not the girl you thought she was, and she's never, ever going to change.
The marriage is over. You do not belong with this woman, so stop wondering about that. Your problem is very simple - how best to protect your child in this situation. Maybe you will have to stick together until the kid is old enough to cope - or maybe you'll find some other solution. But that's your focus, and it's the only thing that matters.
you haven't said what sort of healtcare your daughter needs, or if she is getting it in spite of the finacial debacle you now find yourself in.
do you have any trusted relatives you could go to for help? this woman is spoiled and lied to you again and again. worse than that, she went through elaborate schemes to hide it from you. why would you want her to be in total control of not only your money but your daughter as well? why would she even feel a need to do this, if she is from a wealthy family?
If you have to ask the question "Am I happy or not" and are seeking advice, than chances are you "Are NOT happy, and have NOT been happy for quite some time". Obviously divorce should be your final option. However, when you are together as a family, and your daughter feels an unhappy strain becauses you and your wife have an unhealthy relationship, than I don't think thats better than growing up in a split family. Marriage isn't easy and if you have given all you got, and there is a dead end road in your relationship that won't change no matter what than, think of the best scenario for your daughter. Whatever you decide to do, whether it is to stay together or to split, just make sure that your daughter in no way feels strain. Always make sure the time you spend with her is quality, and focused on the two of you. I only saw my Father on weekends growing up, and we had the best relationship, we were closer than my Mom whom I was with every day and me and my Father are still very close. His time with me was always "Quality" and that is what really matters most.
It is a difficult situation. But the easiet thing to do is end the relationship but that is not entirely the answer. By quitting or ending still doesn't solve the problem. However, in reality it only creates new ones. For example, if you ended the relationship, look at the life your daughter would have. You need to ask yourself "How much you love your wife?' Life is hard plain and simple. We live in a world of monetary value and have forgotten real value of love, family, and struggling together. Sometimes those struggles are more precious in our life than finding an easy way out. Does your wife have any goals? Perhaps she can go to school! It does change one when you become educated. You feel worthy of yourself, positive and have alot of self asteem and ready to face challenges instead of running away from them. You could have an attoney or accountant take care of your finances for a while to see how it works out. Perhaps this will not only save your marriage, keep a family together, and be a learning process in life and relationship.
As in the first line--Is interesting that you used the term "trolling".
I know fisherfolk use this term, but on the internet it as a certain connotation.
A a new poster with no hubs or history, it is a bit of a red flag.
Look for an outside perspective when an inside perspective warrants it?
actually I did a google search for marriage advice and came across this forum with several other posts in it asking for advice, so I figured it was the place to make such posts.
There are numerous hubs about marriage advice as well. I wondered why people keep joining for advice.
Welcome to Hub Pages!
The forum may not be the best place. Our resident relationship guru is Veronica, I suggest checking out some of her Hubs: she may even write one just for you.
I'll give you some credit for trying to search the Internet for an answer, but unfortunately the problem isn't one people really can give.
The average person perceives a relationship on many different levels, but most have many characteristic that play a factor.
It seems like you're completely dismissing, what she has accomplished so far. As in her putting off finishing college, yet you claim she has no education? That makes no sense
I'm unsure of quite of bit of stuff and I'm sure the solution isn't to be found on the outside of you.
To be honest, if you love your wife, as love is meant to be experiences(unconditional), then I suggest you show a little gumption and help her or teach her.
If she really has no education, then who is the real fool here?
Sorry about your deligma... First things first.
You say your wife is handicaped when it comes to finances.
I think you should deal with this issue before you get a divorce over it. If it is JUST understanding handicap.
Her Parents should be able to understand her shortcomings in this area. I'd talk to her dad if this line of comunication is open. He "might" be willing to "HELP" his daughter with her math skills. Teach her how to keep the books.
If you love her I'd suggest you at least wisper in her dads ear before I filled for divorce.
See how much guidence he might be able to provide for her.
And if he can not do that maybe he can still give you a few ideas that you haven't thought about. Maybe?
He may be waiting for you to ask???
That is the best I have to say without having a lot more info that I don't want to ask.
Okay, fresh perspective here.
First you have to decide whether or not you love her. Whatever the answer, your wife obviously needs support. Have a heart to heart talk with her about what support she needs and where to find it.
You say she comes from a somewhat wealthy family, so my guess is she doesn't really understand the value of the dollar especially in today's economy. Your wife needs to be taught how to create a budget and how to stick to it! Your wife also needs to understand that you are relying on her while you are deployed - it is up to her to keep things going until you return & can assist. If she runs into trouble she can go to her support network before complaining to you, because you don't need the extra stress - but you should be kept informed one way or the other. You primarily need to know things are going smooth so you can focus on your job. She needs to concentrate on her job (taking care of your daughter & finances) while waiting for you to return home.
Military marriages are difficult - both spouses need to rely on each other and not have mountains of concerns for the other while doing their respective jobs. I wish you the best of luck.
I don't care whether you are a aock puppet or not, but what I think you need to think of right now is "If we get through this financial crisis, will I still love my wife?"
I think you do love her,but as a woman who has been on the opposite side for many years, let me say as a provider I wasn't heppy to see my husband take take take. I worked for 20 odd years and put my everything into getting us a home, a family, stability, everything everyone wants IMO.
He was a lazy git, he stayed home when he could have worked. Why work when you have a stupid wife to do it for you?
He stole my children when the marriage finally broke up. He took them to another country and hid my passport so I couldn't follow. As luck would have it, the 'man' in the new relationship I got myself into was completely off his rocker, he thought I was the Devil Incarnate one night and out of the blue battered the living daylights out of me and put me in hospital for a month with a broken back.
<shakes herself - get back to the subject in question>.
I can see where you feel upset - that being the milder word probably - you have tried to be a good father - you have tried to be a good provider for your family.
Th question is, now that you are home all the time, can you live with your wife, knowing that she's squandered the hard-earned earnings you made as a slodier?
Run to a lawyer and get a fair chance I do not care what these people are trying to say (I am sure it is all good advice) but you need to think about those kids, and your own best interests. I do not mean go for the throat, but cover your butt.. If you cannot trust her run.
And izzy I am sorry to hear about that awful treatment, I hope you never deal with anything like that again.
Life can get you so far down that you don't care if you live or die. Then you live, and you know there is only one way from there.
Little by little I'm getting back on track,
but going back to the OP, if resentment is there because she squandered his hard-earned cash, then it will take a monumental effort to save that marriage IMO.
There are a lot of caring and concerned people here --and that is a good thing, but I am still not convinced that this is what it seems.
I know I spent some time giving sincere suggestions to someone who was purportedly having troubles and later found out that it was "creative writing".
The writer was very gratified that I was "emotionally involved" and I felt like a schmuck. (Thanks a lot, so glad you used me to find out what a good writer you are-- even though the actual writing was not so good.)
It might not be the same in this case, so I am sorry for being the cynic here, but "once burned...."
Actually. on reflection, grateful thanks for that Rochelle.
You're right of course. The OP is brand new, and I'm sorry but by no stretch of the imagination could this forum be seen as the place out there in all the internet to pose this kind of question.
I'm not cynical enough. Some people use others to learn about life situations, instead of going out there and getting a life of their own.
I'm not adding any more life thoughts to this thread, and btw to any readers there, I have experienced so many bad things in my life I could probably advise the world if they came asking.
And I'm not alone.
Rochelle, I've been a schmuck on occasion too, so you're not alone - not, when it comes down to it, a schmuck for making the mistake of assuming someone wasn't lying.
Assuming this story is real, it strikes me as a matter of one person putting all the blame on the other person and the writer being the innocent victim. I know some people can be innocent victims, and I certainly respect all that surrounds being in the military or having someone in it. Still, a good part time of the people who present the story as if they're innocent victims, without also including information that may point out that the other person may have had "their side to things" it's a sign that there's more to the story (even if the person telling it doesn't realize that the other person has his/her side).
Both of these people (if they're real) have a lot to deal with, and I think the first thing they ought to do (if they're real) is see a marriage counselor. A couple of throw pillows and scented candles mean nothing but that the wife was trying to make the home nicer. She may have messed up with money, but it's a whole lot easier for even the wisest money-manager to mess up than a lot of people realize, particularly when there's little margin for error.
I think these are two unhappy people dealing with a lot of stress and difficult situations in life, and seeing a marriage counselor who can help them sort things out and understand each other better will either help them or point out why they need to separate.
OP, you obviously don't think much of, or respect, your wife. Maybe that's justified, or maybe you're just another husband who grossly underestimates your wife. A counselor would help you know for sure whether your wife is really the giant jerk you think she is or whether you're underestimating her character, abilities, and ability to raise your daughter well.
My major concern is the bad position guys can find themselves in if they aren't prudent about the risk, if she was able to lie to him why not about him if it serves her purpose. My ex wife was a whole different girl in front of people in control of things that mattered than she ever was in 5 years around me. and I lost my kids for years over it. Dude Seriously Get A Lawyer. you have been a good guy? then get prepared. If you aren't then still be careful because that is real hurt. And you feel it all alone. I wasn't much of a soldier but brother I can soldier up today, It isn't like when you are there and can choose you wake up one day and you don't even get heard! Judges leave kids with mommy if there aren't real good reasons not to.
The problem I see with this thread is that the title and the text don't exactly match.
Thread: Am I happy or not?
Text: What do I do?
The first is strictly an inside job. Happy is in the heart of the owner. The second (if legit; I make no assumptions either way) might require consultation--with either a good shrink or an even better attorney.
I am all about keeping the family together as a unit, but this behavior has to stop. The Economy is jacked right now and wivey needs to learn how to handle her responisiblites.
Here is my suggestion to you: Log on to your bank account on the regular bases. Never allow someone else to be solely responisible for your financle well being.
Set a side some mad money in another account.
- Have this account set up where you are the only user.
- This way when something is late you can handle it on the back end. DON'T give her access to this account. She will need access if something happened to you. You can place her name on the account for emergency purposes but don't allow her to be signer on the account.
Finally, state up on what is going at all times. My wife handles the bills but I am always checking. Not that I don't trust but a MAN can never be too careful.
I didn't even bother to read your story, the first line says it all... if YOU don't know whether or not you're happy, you need more than advice.
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