I'm married but I have no husband.

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   donotfearposted 14 years ago

   Yep...it's true.  I give great advice, encourage others, offer support, stay devoted, remain committed, work like hell (darn, I cussed) to sustain my committment, and say positive things. I write articles about reminders of new love in a marriage and publish love letters I got from spouse years ago. But it's not "we". When it's vacation time it's "I'm going to Seattle"  "Hey, I went to Chincoteague with a friend!  It was fun!"  "I'm going to Dallas for the weekend..."  When it's Sunday I walk to my car and drive to my church while spouse goes to his car and goes to his church. Let's see; separate checking accounts, savings accounts, separate credit, separate bills (hey at least we aren't fighting over money!) Spouse plans his vacation around hunting season every year, no time for a vacation with me. Dont wanna waist that 1 week per year, you know. Nope...he can't.  Some of my single friends say, "You don't even seem like you're married!"  So..hmmmmmmmm...what do we have in common?  Not a dang thing. Used to fish together. Now? I don't like going to the treacherous Red River a throwing trotlines. Am I having a pity party? Maybe, but I think a light bulb went off in my head tonight.
   
   So now I spill my guts to the whole Hub community that I'm a hypocrite. You all know who I really am. Gee, aint it a shock? What am I looking for posting about this?  I don't have a clue, I'm just relieved to be speaking it aloud. Now I'll share it in counseling.

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      Pani Midnyte Odinposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Sometimes you are too close to yourself to give yourself advice. Everything I've read by you seems like very good advice and, it is often easier to think about another person's problem than your own.
      
      I don't think you're a hypocrite. I'd rather hear advice from someone who has gone through the same problems as me than someone who has led a perfect life and does not understand the true severity of a problem.
      
      Go ahead and vent. I don't think anyone is going to think any less of you. I sure don't. Just remember to keep your head up high and remember that you're doing your best, but sometimes the other person won't see that.

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         donotfearposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         
         I don't think I want to do anything. I don't wanna leave. I don't wanna stay. I want the security and safety. That's what it is.

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            wyanjenposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            Hi guys.
            This is only a hit and run post, sorry I cannot stay on to talk with you tonight.
            
            I didn't want to leave or stay either, and I could not begin to consider leaving the security and making it on my own.
            So I accepted a lot of things. Lots of one way compromises.
            Then after 14 years, the MF served me. I was completely blindsided.
            In the process, I wasted away my years and any chance of having the things I wanted for myself in life.
            
            I'm SO not trying to bum you out. Just please consider... don't let yourself get in a place where you could be devastated like me. Do what you need to, to have a chance for happiness before it is too late.
            (PS - Hypocrite? no way. )

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               donotfearposted 14 years agoin reply to this

               
               Wow, thanks wyeangen!  I'm just bummed out tonight...feel like I've been pretending the last few months that all is well and good, but I'M NOT. He's happy the way things are, I'm not. That's the bottom line and truth. This is actually freeing. I'm not believing I'm revealing this to thousands. I think I'll go get a another tattoo.

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                  wordscribe41posted 14 years agoin reply to this

                  Or you could do another type of piercing as has been discussed on another thread.    That may take your mind off of it.

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               wordscribe41posted 14 years agoin reply to this

               Thanks, Jen.  You are one of the people I wanted to talk to this about on "the other thread".  You always give great advice.  I see where you're going with this...  Maybe he's more unhappy than I think.  I know he's not a happy person in general.  Doubt he ever has been.  Don't see him packing his bags, though.

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                  wyanjenposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                  eh, I came back for one more post. It is the Magic Hour after all...
                  but I gotta work in 6 hours or so - so I'm taking off...
                  
                  If by "great advice" you mean, "don't screw up this bullshit like I already did", why then - I've got all kinds of helpful stories.
                  Maybe because it's over for me already, so I can see it more clearly. I'll have to bounce this one off my shrink.
                  
                  Hang tough ladies, keep a smile on. Keep your sobriety too- you've worked too hard for that. It is more important than what is causing the stress tonight, K?
                  
                  I'm off to bed. I'll cruise through tomorrow

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                     wordscribe41posted 14 years agoin reply to this

                     You've given lots of good advice to people, Jen.  I've never heard the details of your marriage, only in brief references you've made.  But, I do value your opinion.  Talk to you soon, good night.

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                        wyanjenposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                        I had to go hunt this down. It's easier to link than to explain it right now.
                        This happened two years before our divorce. I wasn't in a real good place when I explained it back in this forum, but I don't think I could put a smiley face on it tonight either.
                        
                        anyway, this explains the end of the marriage. also, it explains why I can't remember lots of things. like I said, I'm seeing a shrink. (I'm not embarrassed to say that anymore, and a lot of that is thanks to you guys!)
                        
                        http://hubpages.com/forum/topic/29576#post617212
                        
                        I'm glad we all met, I keep coming back to talk when I should be sleeping.
                        
                        I'm hitting SUBMIT and then SHUTDOWN.
                        
                        see ya

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                           donotfearposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                           
                           I went to read the link. That is devastating. So much all at once. We'll need to talk more when it's not night night time for you. God bless.

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                           wordscribe41posted 14 years agoin reply to this

                           Jen, I had NO IDEA.  I am so sorry, well, there are no words at all.  I know one thing for sure, there is and will never be any loss that's worse.  Couldn't possibly be.  Let's talk tomorrow, okay?  Maybe even shoot me an email if you have a chance.  Hugs.

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            pooja0908posted 14 years agoin reply to this

            Okey then you are free to everything just raise your hand and get it

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      Poppa Bluesposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Well you're no hypocrite that's for sure! And none of what you posted should matter IF, and it's a big IF, If you're happy! If, you're not, well it's time to open the lines of communication with hubby and see if he can make the sacrifices that will make you happy.
      
      The first step in solving a problem is recognizing that you have one and you've taken the first step. Good luck!

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      dominiclecroisposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I accept the inevitable much more than ever now. You have a business relationship and the business is keeping base-house. It is clear that you need more from a marriage. You must have more because life is not all about meeting deadlines alone. I am always suspicious when a partner is too busy to deal with the commitments that marriage demands. Your lover's instincts are taking him in the opposite direction and so are yours, it seems. Could it be that the marriage has played out its usefulness or its role? There is a better way and you are keen to go with it. Should you attempt to convert the relationship before the inevitable happens? I don't see this as a problem, more a chance to become you. Hope you do.

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         donotfearposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         
         Very insightful. You are correct: need more from the relationship...it's called "compatibility & companionship".  It boils down to this...I can't beleive I'm revealing it....the religion/denomination/faith he is a part of has many restrictions. It's called "legalism". That's why I am not in it. Legalism is what killed many early Christians. It has also interefered in my spousal union. So there you have it, one of the core units of the issue. Legalism.

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      thisisoliposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I hope things pick up for you soon, it definately sounds like something you need to face though.

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         donotfearposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Thanks!  It's been faced, honey. Now I'm chugging on down the road. One thing I tell my clients "Never give up!"  I need to listen to my own advise.

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            wyanjenposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            Hi donotfear.
            Hope you're doing good tonight.
            
            Water finds its level they say.... everything is sploshing around right now for you I think. Keep chugging along things will settle down for you.
            
            PS - You waited all the way until mid-life to have your crisis? I'm impressed! I went ahead and got an early start.

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               donotfearposted 14 years agoin reply to this

               
               Actually, I had many crisis down the road to 51. But this is the big one. The altering, 'what am I here for?' challenge. Maybe that's why I work in 'Crisis Services' for mental health. go figure!

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      TimeOut1posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I can't be sure exactly what your situation is of course, but take a look at this. Maybe it could help you.
      
      

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         Cagsilposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         And you revived an 8 month old dead thread to post that reply?
         
         WOW!

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   wordscribe41posted 14 years ago

   donotfear, I could write an anthology on this one.  Although our lives aren't quite as separated as yours (I'm actually jealous of quite a few of these ) my husband and I are completely disconnected.  It's really gotten to the point where I'm feeling like I may have to make a decision about staying or going.  I left him the summer before last, am fed up with his anger.  But, honestly???  I came back for the kids sake, too hard on them going back and forth.  Our main issue is our parenting style, I deeply resent how impatient he is with our beautiful children.  He's angry all the time about something.  I don't think I can put up with it anymore. 
   
   We don't seem married either.  Separate bedrooms even.  Frankly, I want it that way.  I have so much resentment I can barely stand the sight of him these days.
   
   Sorry to rant about my own situation, dnf.  I will tell you you're not the only one.  Do you ever think of leaving?  Have you had counseling?  We have, to no avail.  It's alright for a while, then back to the way it was, then worse.
   
   I'll hold your hand if you hold mine. 

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   donotfearposted 14 years ago

   Really Wordscribe?  I don't feel so alone. I feel I've been putting up a brave front. Trying to make the love come back. I'm saving it alone. But is it really saved? I don't know anymore. At least I don't have small children at home, thank God my kids are grown. I do have a horse. If I move I'll hafta find a place to board him. Heck I don't even know if I wanna move. I'm just tired of cohabitating in the same house, sleeping in the same bed yet no social life, no common interests, no nothing.
   
   I was puking vomit for a long time with the effort I was putting into it. Then I was coughing up phlem.  Now I'm dry heaving. Not miserable, but not joyous. Just complacent doing my own thing.

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      wordscribe41posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I got tired of the effort, myself.  It's great if it's reciprocated, which it always is for a short time.  But, you can only fight the battle alone for so long.  Then, I just gave up and (it sounds bad) decided I would let the chips fall where they may. 
      
      I know what you mean about not wanting to stay, not wanting to go...  I'm right there with you.  Sadly, we're definitely members of a widespread club.

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         donotfearposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         
         Yep. I give it all honey. I'm seeing a little return lately, however. But it's always short-spent, as you say. Why don't you and me go and play Thelma & Louise?

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            wordscribe41posted 14 years agoin reply to this

              Sounds great.  Hey, btw.  I checked out your profile and we're both QMHPs.  I much prefer solving other people's problems, though.  I often ask myself what I'd tell ME.  Sometimes I don't like the answer, especially not lately.
            
            Recently I just want to run away.  I wouldn't literally do it, but I want to go find Gilligan's Island and hang with my kids for a long time.  Ugh.  The Thelma and Louise gig fits in nicely.

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               donotfearposted 14 years agoin reply to this

               
               You're kidding? Your a QMHP? Are you in case mangement? I guess you are.....at home! Know what I mean?
               
               I'm going to group every week (not as a facilitator, but a member) Ha! There are 2 other mental health people in there!
               
               What are we gonna do Word?

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      Justine76posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      my kids are still little...
      you got this far, youll figure out your best path.
      its ok to think about yourself. You got this one life.

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   wordscribe41posted 14 years ago

   I'm an LCSW, actually.  I recently quit my job at a hospital to stay home.  It was hard on the kids (and pocketbook) when they were in childcare, so I made that decision to be with them for a while.  I do want to go back next year. 
   
   I love being "on the other side" in groups, finished one not too long ago myself.  You can learn a lot as a clinician that way, too. 
   
   I really don't know what we're going to do, but I'm glad you started this thread.  I've been bursting at the seams needing to blow off some steam, plus now I feel WAY less alone.  Hugs.

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      donotfearposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Okay, so now we've spilled our guts: We are married but have no husband.
      
      I went out tonight to shop and maybe go to a movie (alone as usual) Ran into a very good buddy of mine. (no coincidence). We ended up talking and going out to eat for 3 hours. She's been through hell. But she volunteers her time at church and domestic violence prevention. She told me, "You know, ever since yall have been married, I've never seen you as connected...." It was like a light went off in me. We talked about his passive-aggressive nature, our non-connection and so forth. It was enlightening.
      
      I almost feel like drinking. NO, I DO feel like drinking. I have 12 years sobriety. I can actually taste the wine right now. I've gotta maintain sobriety too. I'm in a mid life crisis and pretending to everyone that it's okay. Well, I do have 4 really close buddies I confide in, though.

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         wordscribe41posted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Okay, we're soul sisters.  I've been sober since November of 1995.  This is getting weird.  I do know what you mean about those "ligthbulb" moments.  My 8 year old daughter asked me tonight why Daddy was always so mean to her.  Why couldn't he be nice.  Almost packed my bags and split.  In fact, I just may.
         
         No drinking for you, young lady.  You know where that debacle ends up.  I know you do and it's not pretty.

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   _cheryl_posted 14 years ago

   Wow, you've truly spoken from your heart the raw truth about your situation. I can only say, that from the outside looking in it sounds very sad to hear of a "marriage" described the way you put it. I know that everbody is so different and has their own way of what works for them in a relationship I just find it kind of sad when I hear of a situation like yours, and I'm sure it's very complex in the ways that it took to become what it is now. I think it's a good sign, that lightbulb that you've noticed. There are no easy answers in love. Sometimes I guess it's best to look back and remember what it was that you fell in love with in that person to begin with, those feelings that shed light on your heart, pushing you to want to be more for each other. I believe that through anything, time, even change...those feelings should prevail. Not that love's perfect, but at the very core of it all the base of your love should remain the same. If not, the flame dies down and a decision has to be made; can it be re-lit, is it lit enough yet just barely dim, or do you blow it out and appreciate it for what it was..... I admire your strength in sharing this deep issue with us. Ironically in your doing so, I find you yet inspiring. “Sometimes you have to let go to see if there was anything worth holding on to.”

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      donotfearposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      
      That's exactly what I did when I posted my Letter From My Husband article. Trying, pushing, coming up with positives.....wanting it to FEEL good. Wanting to reach somebody else, I guess, to help them. Whatever....now I've spilled the beans forever and the world knows I'm covering up a complacent nonjoyous life.

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   Madison22posted 14 years ago

   OMG donotfear, I am right there with you in the husband situation. Same exact situation just wrote a poem about it, no infidelity involved, just everything you described. I also write hubs to encourage others mostly from my experiences and the obstacles I have overcome, which I feel good and confident about and so should you, for we have come along way.
   
   But, the marriage is...well, I don't know what it is. My eye opener was two days ago. Everything else has seem to fall together as far as life in general but, I also realized I have a marriage and no husband.

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      wordscribe41posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks for sharing that, I'll have to check out your poem.  Isn't it just about the most lonely feeling in the world?  Having someone, but not...

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         Madison22posted 14 years agoin reply to this

         lately yes, I've decided to take my own advice and start getting involved in more activities. Thank God for writing.

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            wordscribe41posted 14 years agoin reply to this

            I agree, my writing is saving me.  By the way, I have twins, too!  Off to read your poem.

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               Madison22posted 14 years agoin reply to this

               Really wow! I have a boy and a girl. How about you?

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                  wordscribe41posted 14 years agoin reply to this

                  Stop it!  Me, too. A boy and a girl, my goodness I love them. They just turned 8 last week.  How old are yours?

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                     Madison22posted 14 years agoin reply to this

                     LOL, 20...one is in college the other has autism, he is doing well in a school for autism. They grow up fast wordscribe, hands full too, I'm sure you agree.
                     Do you take lot's of pictures and videos? I which I would have taken more. My twins are the only one's I have. I feel blessed, boy and girl in one shot. LOL. I'm done. Now if I could only have a husband, he isn't even home. Working all the time, I mean all the time, 7 days a week. major workaholic.

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                        wordscribe41posted 14 years agoin reply to this

                        I'm already seeing how fast it goes.  I'm a camera freak, fortunately.  I also have a 10 1/2 year old "tween".  She's a hoot these days.  I'm sorry to hear about the autism, that had to be a tough road.  I'm glad he's in an appropriate school, that must feel good for all involved. 
                        
                        Ironically, my sister has identical boys.  One has CP from a very complicated pregnancy (Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome).  He's doing alright though. 
                        
                        I can only imagine the empty nest I will feel.

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      donotfearposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      
      You mean we have ANOTHER soul sister! Okay, you're in!  Wordscribe41, add her on the list.

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         wordscribe41posted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Check and added!  I'll bet there are TONS on HP alone, I fear.  Some women just don't want to talk about it, I've noticed.

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         Madison22posted 14 years agoin reply to this

         LOL, that's funny. Good to laugh. Yeah, I'm in!

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   donotfearposted 14 years ago

   Well, I'm coming outta the closet with it. (but not everything)hehehe. Now hubby just got home, cheerful, not a care in the world. He's been at church, some special service to restore a church that is losing members or something. He just went to bed without a word. Was cheerful, for sure. And here I am am, late at night, clicking away on the keyboard.

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      wordscribe41posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I hear you.  My husband is in the same room with me (stop laughing) watching some Animal Planet show on mountains as I type away. 

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         donotfearposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         
         LOLOLOL

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            Madison22posted 14 years agoin reply to this

            donotfear, I'm so glad you came out of the closet. LoL  It certainly encouraged me to do the same.

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               donotfearposted 14 years agoin reply to this

               Yes, it's freeing, isn't it? It's also interesting that we all have an interest in mental health or work in the profession. So where do we meet this summer for a summit on married women without husbands?

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                  wordscribe41posted 14 years agoin reply to this

                  No kidding, a summit sounds great.  Have van, will travel.

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         Madison22posted 14 years agoin reply to this

         And I'm on the couch watching vanilla ice on biography. ( I've gotta change the channel)  My hubby will soon be in, also without a care in the world.

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            donotfearposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            
            Well, hot dangit!  Now all we need is the male strippers.
            We got one woman representing each end of the US: Oregon, Arkansas, and NY. How bout that one. Let's party.

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               Madison22posted 14 years agoin reply to this

               Lol, ur cracking me up!

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               wordscribe41posted 14 years agoin reply to this

               Done!  Will these work?
               
               

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                  donotfearposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                  
                  I'm actually nearly peeing in my pants right now!!!  This is too good. I can hardly stand it.......I'm inviting Art4life to visit us. Maybe we need to get on AIM. Regardless...it's a Thelma & Louise moment!

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                  Madison22posted 14 years agoin reply to this

                  Oh shoot...I love it,   lol...omg..LOL I take the one in blue.

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                     Madison22posted 14 years agoin reply to this

                     It sure is!

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                     wordscribe41posted 14 years agoin reply to this

                     I'm all about Mr. Green myself.  Looks like he's just inviting me into his leotard thingy-mabobber.  His breasticles are a little large for my liking, however.  Needs a minimizer, but it's something we can work out.

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         glendoncabaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Go over to him, sit in his lap, kiss him, tell him you love him, then go to bed.
         
         Wake up in the morning and invite him to family prayer.
         
         Call him twice tomorrow and say you love him.
         
         Tomorrow night well...
         
         
         Sorry, I know it's not that easy.  But I'm a man.  And sex and romance helps to keep a marriage going.
         
         1.  find things you enjoy doing together, even silly things.
         2.  pray together about issues.
         3.  God invented marriage so He will provide the answers, just work with His programme.

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            wordscribe41posted 14 years agoin reply to this

            Thanks, glen.  I appreciate your advice. 

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            donotfearposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            
            I have been doing all of the above. Relentlessly. By the way. I have prayed with him in the past. He has rebuked me at the table for the way I prayed..yes, you heard right. Rebuked me. Now I have a complex about praying aloud with him. Is he gonna rebuke me again? Yes, it's helped. But, dude, I'm dry-heeving here....I gotta have some relief. WE have NOTHING in common other than sex, a house, and a cat named Buster. We joke around a bit....I am very loving. I go to him each day with love and affection. I push push push. Now I want to be pulled pulled pulled, held up and told I'm beautiful. Instead of hearing it from some dolt who...never mind.

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               progress onuposted 14 years agoin reply to this

               please i need to no you. you can send me email at pprogress73@yahoo.com

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                  donotfearposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                  Uh, well, if you are a male looking for a quick fix I'm sorry I cannot email you. However, you may reach me through Hubpages & I will decide.  Sorry so blunt, but I have boundaries.

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   wordscribe41posted 14 years ago

   I DID pee a little when I saw it.  But, then again I have that bladder leakage problem from carrying twins.  No, nevermind, it's funny as Hell.

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      donotfearposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      
      Heck I got the dang bladder leakeage & I haven't had twins! I'm over 50! (51) Had 2 c-sections that ruined my stomach muscles with the vertical incision they gave me. Now that I'm officially a "marrried woman without a husband" I'd like to have lipo-suction on my tummy. It looks like a butt on the front. Maybe that's why spousey doesn't like to hang out with me anymore.

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         Madison22posted 14 years agoin reply to this

         I doubt it's the tummy spousey is behaving this way. It was too funny we all peed a little.  LOL

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            Madison22posted 14 years agoin reply to this

            1:40 am and I'm drinking coffee, ready to make another pot. Maybe I'll write a hub on the benefits of staying away from caffeine.

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               wordscribe41posted 14 years agoin reply to this

               10:40 pm here, just ready to turn on the pot.  You ladies sure do have a lot of surprising things in common with me.
               
               Are you going to write a hub tonight?  I've been wanting to write something about my marriage, but can't think of a way to do it.

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                  Madison22posted 14 years agoin reply to this

                  You know what...I'm putting my foot down. I'm not making coffee I need some good sleep. Two days ago when I had my eye opener I discussed it with my husband and we got into a heated argument so I haven't been able to sleep well. So ladies I'm off to bed, thanks for including me in the sister hood of unmarried wives. I think I'll change because of the peeing and laughing. This is freaking awesome so glad to have spoken out and revealed myself !  fill you in some more tomorrow....night, night.

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                     wordscribe41posted 14 years agoin reply to this

                     Night, Madison.  It was great meeting you as well.  I do think going to bed is a good decision, nothing good ever comes from being tired.  Stop by tommorow, if you get a chance.
                     
                     Huge thanks to donotfear for starting the thread.  I'll be back, that's for sure.  You were brave to open up, greatly appreciated.

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         wordscribe41posted 14 years agoin reply to this

         I can't believe you said that about the butt.  I just wrote a hub the other day and mentioned my "butt stomach"/ fanny on the front atrocity.  It's not attractive.  I'm 42, so please tell me the urinating while laughing (and coughing, and sneezing, and talking, and living) won't get WORSE.  It can't, I'll need to be in Depends.

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   glendoncabaposted 14 years ago

   I believe that poets and artists being naturally introspective will always take the world too seriously.  But the world needs us to focus pain and joy on the screen of their senses.
   
   I also believe that creative people are apt to make poor choices when selecting life partners.  We are too eager to throw caution to the wind.
   
   But because we believe in doing the right thing, the beautiful thing, the perfect thing, we continue to tell ourselves that our relationships have higher purposes, and can still be transformed by the divine Spirit.
   
   So as one who has struggled to preserve the ideal despite my own failures, I suggest you take a peek at some ideas from the Bible:
   
   http://hubpages.com/hub/Three-Biblical- … y-Marriage
   
   And...yes, I've been married to the same woman for over 25 years.  Many ups and downs. 
   
   In the very rough times we would pray and fast together.

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      donotfearposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you for this Glen. I'm sorry I've been so cynical....I do want to do the right thing. I'm feeling discouraged.

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         glendoncabaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Don't be sorry.  What I describe includes me.
         
         Marriage is sometimes like a beautiful dance for two when all the world is light and joy.
         
         Another time it is like a jail for two, and you just want to tear down the walls.
         
         Same partner.
         
         Many times I wonder if a better choice would have given more beautiful moments and less rage.  Multiplied exponentially by the analytical canvas.
         
         Then I ask God (and my wife) for healing, growth in love, and tolerance.  Among other things.

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    donotfearposted 14 years ago

    Good night Madison, I'm going to bed too. It's 12:52 AM.
    Good night, wordscribe. I sent you a private message so we can talk more. Then we can hook up with Madison and Art4Life.
    Later Gator!

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       wordscribe41posted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Night!  Sleep well.

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    Mamelodyposted 14 years ago

    dam, it must be a nightmare being with someone and not feeling connected to that person..
    
    have you considered getting a toy boy on the side? I mean I know its bad, but hey you sound like there's a beast in you waiting to be unleashed

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       donotfearposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       
       Ha! Oh my goodness. Well, if I did, it would bring me down further. Can't say I haven't had any suitors though, but I must stay protected right now.

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    tantrumposted 14 years ago

    If you're married, but have no husband, then divorce !
    What's good of an invisible husband ?
    Dump him and get one that's real !

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       donotfearposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       I like the safety and security. Period. It's like a rolling ocean...when the sea gets choppy, I'm ready to bail. When the sea is calm, I'm content to stay in the boat.
       
       Not miserable, but not joyous. A male friend told me once: "...you're staying not so much as love for a man. But for your committment to God and yourself..."  He was so right.

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    Hokeyposted 14 years ago

    Well I'm Single!   

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       donotfearposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       
       Awwww! Hokey, you are sweet. You and your cute Buddah looking self.

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    alexandriaruthkposted 14 years ago

    HMMM< if you are happy in that set up and you think thats the way it should be it is fine .., at least you have space for each other,
    
    Maybe you should think of going with him, and you have to do it once in a while feeling not forcing yourself to do it, but try to appreciate the things he is doing more,becuase you said before you like to go fishing with him,-- boredom in a relatiosnhip and getting used to it--
    
    is it the same way before you marry him, has it been like this for so long?
    
    But do you think this is what your idea of a good relationship?
    There is no such thing as perfect relationship though \\
    there are just some relationship which is like this one --
    
    do you mean to say it is like room mate relationship, how many times do you make love etc, intimacy etc,
    
    maybe there is  a stage  in a relationship like yours

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       donotfearposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       
       Hmmmm. Interesting input alexandria.......
       There's a difference in being 'happy in the setup' than being complacent. So I'm not miserable, but not joyous.  I'd love to go fish with him again, and will. But I'm petrified of the Red River, it's a very dangerous river. I know! I'll ask him to take me to the lake and go Bream fishing with worms! That'll be fun. You are right. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. As far as intimacy goes there is presently no real problem. So you see, the deal is 'no connection'.

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    Dao Hoaposted 14 years ago

    I think that is a stage in a relationship that we must go through. Talk it out will help, even it will not help immediately. That talk session will stay in his head and he will rethinking about it sometimes later.
    
    I think you let it goes too long so both of you comfortable with the arrangement. Need to reconnect! Talk to him about what you like to do together and join him in some of the things he does. You may surprise yourself that you like some of his things. Then invite him to do your things too.

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       donotfearposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       I have done this very thing Dao! Way back in November. It was almost like it didn't sink in, however, there have been a few subtle efforts, to my surprise. Small things that may not be evident to the outside looking in, but are, in his own way, efforts to say the least. But it's the effort of "works", not true comrad/companionship. Doing "things" to please. There's a difference between works and acknowledgment.

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    Dao Hoaposted 14 years ago

    Maybe the sisterhood can arrange a vacation somewhere too. LOL. Then if you like it, meet and visit new places every year. Start your new friendship with someone who has something in common with you.
    
    LOL! I like this idea. I may want to join you.

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    donotfearposted 14 years ago

    If you want to join the sisterhood of Married Women Without Husbands, send me an email through Hubpages. I already have 1 plus another pending.

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    TheWriterIVYposted 14 years ago

    donotfear -
    
    Although it may not be any consolation to you and perhaps you have heard this before but many people, especially those that have been in long term relationships or marriage - discover that after some time the connection somehow gets lost. If you have children of course it is so much better to remain civilized when things end but gain that is not often the case. It comes down to this, you have to figure out what you can and can not - will and will not accept what you need from your marriage. He either recognizes it or he doesn't. For some people, this kind of set up works for them. It is more of a business agreement that neither wishes to end because of money or fear of being alone, for however short period of time. Ultimately, it really is up to you and if your choice to stay is out of something less than the love you feel for him, then why stay?

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       donotfearposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       
       Well, I guess the set up is working for me, presently. Only way I can see it is I need the safety and security of it. Guess I'm too big a chicken to go at it on my own. Heck, I'm too big a chicken to even admit it's dysfunctional...hey, I just did! 
       
       Nah. It's not bad really. Having a mid-life crisis for sure. Rats.

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    logic,commonsenseposted 14 years ago

    It takes two to tango!

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       donotfearposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       
       Yes, and it takes two to save a union, also. Good short point.

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    K Partinposted 14 years ago

    Wow what made it fall apart? How long you been married? I think if you and he have put allot of time into this marriage, then you and HE need to have a sit down. Let him know how you feel vent like you have to us, does he even know how you feel. You have to communicate first of all. Good luck. I've been married 38 years and what work's for us is I do my things she does her things and then we do things together. We need our space but then we need each other too.

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       donotfearposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Wow, dude. You gotta good point and advise. Thing is, I've done it all...
       What made it fall apart? Legalism.
       How long together? 12 yrs.
       We had the "sit down talk"; result - fair to partly cloudy & still pending, romance about 30% effort on his part, 75% on mine.
       I do my thing: about 90% of the time.
       He does his thing: about 90% of the time.
       We do things together: (    ) 10%? 
       Independent of each other; for sure.
       Too independent without each other; not good.
       Today the weather is fair with pleasant conditions and effort to restore.
       (Gee, maybe it wasn't a good idea to project my personal crap on an international website).

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          K Partinposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          Geez, sounds like you're really miserable. Why stay in a marriage and be so unhappy? I don't believe anyone should stay in a relationship if you're miserable. Time to move on, seems you've done your part and he doesn't seem to care one way or the other.
          I'm sorry for you! Good luck.

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             donotfearposted 14 years agoin reply to this

             
             Not miserable, but not joyous.

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                Jeramiposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                I am coming into this thread very late.  didn't read any of the other posts.
                    But I'm goina give you the same advise as I think that you would give anyone else that explained their problem to you.
                   You already know the answer to your problem and most likely you also know the origion.  As my grand pa said to me....
                  answer these two questions...
                  Is there anything that you can do to fix it?
                  Are ya goina do anything to fix it ?
                   He said that If I answer  NO  to either of these two questions....  don't worry about it.  Learn to like it or do something about it.  the only thing to worry about is whatcha goina do?
                
                   This is not advise...  Just sumtin to think about.

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                   donotfearposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                   
                   Very good Jerami! Thank you..I do have a bit of good news. Spousey is working on the camper getting it fixed up so we can go camping & fishing together this spring. I'm looking forward to it, for sure. I'd say that this, along with the other small additions along the way are a great start. Here's to fixin' it!

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    Rayalternatelyposted 14 years ago

    There are points in almost every relationships where we view our partners more like a comfy pair of slippers than that special one who whisked us off our feet. Time does this.
    
    Falling in and out of love is like being on a roller coaster ride whereas long term partnering is more like sharing the driving on a long road trip. The former is more exciting, exhilarating, but inevitably short lived, whereas the latter is practical, comfortable, but sometimes just plain dull.
    
    I suppose it depends on which you of these you need most, and whether you occasionally mind sharing the driving to go to the metaphorical theme park.

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    mega1posted 13 years ago

    Oh!  THANK YOU!  thankyouthankyouthankyou!  I moan to myself that I'm missing out, mateless, soulmateless, not in a couple, lonely - etc. etc.  and then you good people remind me why it is I gave up, oh so long ago, on the marriage illusion.   I wish to encourage you however, to hang in there - before long you will be stuck together in retirement and have your aches and pains to talk about together and all that quality time in Dr's offices and holding each other's crutches or canes while rising from the recliners.  Then, you will be so glad to have each other - so hang in there!
    
    (man, I just brought myself down with that one.  shall I go ahead and post?  sure.  what the hell!)

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    Cheeky Girlposted 13 years ago

    Believe it or not, a large part of your life experience qualifies you to be a counselor despite your circumstance. You have my sympathies, and you are  very honest to say it publicly. There are millions of people in the same boat as you. I know a few myself. It is hard to exist with that kind of life. It must be tough on you. Surround yourself with friends and people who care about you. I know some people in loveless relationships who find comfort and sanity in the confidence and friendship of a few trusted confidantes. I wish you success in life. Cheers.

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    ItsThatSimpleposted 13 years ago

    It's heart wrenching to read your story. The dawning of all of the little things that aren't quite right, separate bank accounts, driving places separately can really sting. I truly wish you the best in working it out.

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    efeyasposted 13 years ago

    Just one question....are you still "in-love" with your husband? Or do you just love him? big question and food for thought

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