No, never. If someone is unhappy in their marriage, they should have the balls to leave and set up home on their own, before they mess around with someone else.
If you feel the marriage is over but you have to stay for the sake of bringing up the children, then the solution is an open relationship. It's not an affair if your partner knows you're seeing someone else and has agreed to it.
Having 'been there, done that" I can tell you that it MIGHT make you happy. My ex and I should never have married to begin with but we had children and my feeling was they needed a father. It wasn't a happy life for my ex or myself though I don't think the children were harmed that much. Eventually I ended up having an affair, and so did my ex. She then left me and the kids for a guy who ending up leaving her. The woman I had an affair with I stopped seeing as I became more active dating and eventually meeting my current wife. I'm happily married now and glad the way things turned out and my ex met someone and married too.
I will tell you this. If you're really unhappy in your current relationship and you have no desire to try and fix it, then end it. Why have an affair? It's only wasting time and preventing you from finding true happiness.
If someone isn't happy in his marriage he should either get out, figure out a way to be happier, or else accept that as long he's in the marriage he'll have to live with not being happy.
I might be happier if I decided not to pay my bills and instead buy a bunch a fun stuff for myself, but it wouldn't be right or wise.
There's something to be said for just doing what's right and being a person who can be trusted. Your life is simpler, your conscience is clearer, and any happiness you do carve out for yourself isn't at the expense of someone else.
although affairs might have their advantages, i think the cons outweigh far more than any of the positives can put up with it. besides, why would you risk putting a relationship in jeopardy over a few brief moments of pleasure?
Men are never any woman's property, are they? It's not a question of property. It's a question of trust. If two people have committed to something, then they should be able to trust that they'll both live up to that commitment. If one party changes his (or her) mind, then they should be honest enough to admit it, not go behind their partner's back.
I wouldn't call you a husband robber, because the husband has free will. But you can't be so naive as to think an affair hurts no one.
If the third party never finds out, nobody's hurt. Of course I'm talking of 'affairs' only. Not secret relationships, lasting ages. Affairs that last few days, or affairs with the same 'friend' once in a while. Who can get hurt ?
Have you ever heard the marriage vows? Most people do make "eternal" promises when they get married. Of course, some people don't really mean it - but a lot of people do, and believe that their partner means it too, otherwise they wouldn't be getting married or even moving in together.
As Megs said:
"The thing is, thinking of consequences and being able to understand what our actions will do to someone else is a gift that we are given once reaching maturity. We know we will hurt people, we know that we are taking a huge risk and we know that it will inevitably end in heartbreak, not only for the ones we cheat on, but for the cheaters as well.
Those who think affairs can have any positive effect are probably still stuck in adolescence where 'me' and 'I' trump everything else."
Pretty much sums it up. One day, when you commit to someone and he f**ks with your loyalty, you may think differently.
well, i never cheated on anyone, but i have been cheated on - once. after this man professed his undying love and devotion to me. the problem was, i was not available enough for him, so he started seeing this girl who was in some musical program. i knew he was involved with her when i went to the program and saw her practically gushing over him when he was near her and i told him she had the hots for him and he laughed haha and all that time they were lovers behind my back. and when i dumped his sorry ass he was begging me not to!
and she....she KNEW he was involved with me...(not as cute as me, by the way), and she CHOSE NOT TO CARE. if i could have gotten into a girlfight with her i would have pulled her stringy hair out of her head, but i took the high road and let her have the cheater.
@tantrum so long as your happy knowing that your other half could be copping it bigger and better right now with a stranger (or your best mate) then you is ok then go for it, but remember if your doing it most likely they are too. also if your mates have a clue you do it they may never tell your partner but their usually the first to screw around with them.
that's true too. if that's the case, i think it's better for the couple to talk it out first and in the worst case scenario, just break up with them. it's far better than lying to their face about it. i wasn't talking about you by the way, i was just adding another comment to the forum. i apologize if it seemed that way.
anyway, i'm kind of surprised your never the one in the relationship. you seem like a great person. heck, i think any guy would be lucky to be with you, so i'm sure you'll meet someone special someday.
people who subscribe to the "what my lover's spouse doesn't know won't hurt" and who say no one gets hurt from affairs forget about stuff like STDs, unwanted pregnancies, and shattered families, not to mention a trail of broken hearts
they are just as accountable as their married partner.
i concur! why would anyone want to be involved in any way with someone who could cheat and lie so easily.
i have witnessed firsthand the destructive fallout from people hopping into bed with married people.
they pride themselves on their openness and "free spiritedness". i wonder if they are open books with their children as well. let's say they are...and their adult child's spouse cheats on them with a "free-wheeling", single person. would they still be proud of their actions and able to justify it so easily?
or would they realize the damage they do when they see the hurt and anguish in the eyes of someone they love?
what IS an affair anyway? it is meeting someone on the sly who is lying to his wife and going to some seedy hotel to get naked and screw, then go home.
i know THAT sounds like a great way to spend your life
so by your logic, your saying unless someone says that having an affair is good, then they're lying?
look, i can't speak for everyone here. However, i can honestly say that i did answer honestly when i said affairs were wrong and that i would never do it. The reason being is, unlike yourself, I never had a steady relationship with any woman. In fact, the longest relationship I've had was about about a month, and girls often ignore me in real life. therefore, if i did have a girl friend, i would do NOTHING that could potentially screw it up. (i.e. cheating on her)
however, your more than welcome to say what you want, and think that I'm lying. Even though I know in my heart, I'm not.
eta: plus, another thing I would like to ask since you think everyone that's against affairs is lying, then why even open up a thread at all asking people for their opinions on it? I mean, you already have a predetermined mindset of what EVERYONE here believes, so why bother asking? Is it just to appease a guilty conscience or something? Or to reconfirm your own beliefs? Seriously, I would really like to know. I"m sorry if this offends you anyway at all. However, the logic your using just baffles me.
I beg for your forgivness. I actually meant; if you said you were against affairs, I can understand anyone saying this but if you are for it you wouldn't put in print. I singled out Tantrum because being single makes the question easier to answer. Wouldn't you agree with that?
I can make-up and write a great story about this, in fact I think I will.
The answer is yes. Why not? If you feel you need it, if you understand the possible consequences (or choose not to understand them - this is also an option), then why not? You might hurt someone. It's also ok - sometimes relationships hurt. Especially when they're at the stage where you WANT an affair and you're open to it. This simply means your relationship is already broken, just you're too blind not to see it. On the other hand, you never know - maybe that someone who you're cheating on has already cheated on you, just you don't know it.
Main disadvantage is that affairs tend to leave some footprint on your own self (in case nobody finds out) or it may end in a hurricane (obviously). Affairs also tend to have a short life, whatever the ending. Will you stay with someone who has blinded you enough with their attention, passion, etc? Most of the times you won't. When you realize that.. Well, those who were hurt move on. That's human nature, that's how our brain works - we tend to forget bad things. Yes, it might be hard at first, but life goes on. The cheater most of the times is not hurt. But he/she is in a way addicted to the situation, used to that hiding and adrenalin, excitement and similar feelings. And that addiction is a slow burn. When the affair situation is resolved, this addiction leaves you with a terrible feeling of emptiness, sometimes hopelessness or despair. This is the worst part. How bad it is depends on the way situation resolves, but in all cases it's hard to handle. Even if nobody ever learns about your affair - that's why I said it leaves a footprint on your own self.
Conclusion that I've made from long years of cheating - affairs happen, they're natural, but it's better to be hurt than to cheat.
Here Harvey, I'll be honest; affairs can be enticing. when we are unhappy, they seem like they would add some spice to life and give us the butterflies that we once had. Most people think about them at some point in their lives, if only out of boredom.
The thing is, thinking of consequences and being able to understand what our actions will do to someone else is a gift that we are given once reaching maturity. We know we will hurt people, we know that we are taking a huge risk and we know that it will inevitably end in heartbreak, not only for the ones we cheat on, but for the cheaters as well.
Those who think affairs can have any positive effect are probably still stuck in adolescence where 'me' and 'I' trump everything else.
if you're unhappy in a current relationship, be strong enough to get out and live unattached.
No it's never easy. It takes courage, but ultimately it's best for everyone to move on. There is nothing to be gained by remaining in an unhappy relationship while engaging in another one. You end up trading time spent in stressful and unhappy moments for time that could be spent in happy ones, while at the same time creating unhappy moments for someone else. It's lose-lose.
No it is not OK to have an affair. If you have an understanding that you can have partners outside the relationship and both people are OK with that, that is something different, but to sneak off behind the back of someone that has given you their heart and their trust and to break that trust is most certainly NOT OK.
I would even go so far as to say "open" marriages are also not good, because it allows adultery, and the hurt is no different. In fact, it is the union of people who have so low expectations of themselves and each other, they openly believe themselves incapable of marital fidelity.
Besides, relationships are complicated enough without deliberately bringing other partners into them.
No, honesty is the best policy, if you are in a relationship and cheat on the girl (Not talking the odd fantasy, I mean actually seriously contemplating it/doing it) then it's time to face facts that you shouldn't be in a relationship.
However if it is someone single and they start dating someone ina relationship I don't see it as there fault, it is the responsibility of the person in a relaitionship to say 'no'.
My ex was a cheater. One of his bimbo's actually came to our house looking for him. SHe had moved and changed jobs and was worried he wouldn't know how to get to her. When he came home I told him if anymore came to the house that he would find them in unmarked graves in the back yard. After 10 years and all the pain, I filed for divorce. Apparently Sandra Bullock doesn't like a cheater either. Holly
I suppose if you wouldn't mind your partner going off and having sex with someone while they tell you they are working late-hanging out with a friend or running late because the car is having trouble...while you wait up for them, take care of the kids and worry about them getting home safe... then an affair is fine. If you would be bothered-heart broken-feel betrayed and lost if you were the one being cheated on... Then no-an affair is NOT okay. Leave them before you cheat on them. It is easier to be dumped (even if it hurts) than to find out you weren't good enough to keep their attention-so they went somewhere else to be satisfied. Not only that, but with all the STD's out there- you are playing with someones health without them having an idea you are doing so. Most people in a relationship are not worried about catching a STD from someone they have been married to for 5-10-15 years...What a shame it would be if they did.
It is never ok to have an affair. Just like it is never okay to strike a woman. You walk away before it happens. If you have any respect for the person you are with you would respectfully convey the feelings you are having.
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