This is a very difficult period. We are never too busy to think of our ex. Those rare moments in which you are so absorbed doing things OTHER than thinking of your ex is so precious. What do you do to keep your mind occupied and distracted from your pain and obsessive thoughts of your ex?
I personally would always go to the book store. The key is though, finding stuff you generally are interested in reading. This lets you at least focus away. Personally, I found that night time and Friday nights were the hardest for me.
I always take comfort in the fact that the things that are out of my control aren't worth thinking about. You can't control the feelings of others. Obviously your Ex is your Ex for a reason, probably not because it was something you wanted but something he (or she)wanted. That is the reality that you simply must accept. Over time you will come to accept it and you will begin to meet others that you have a desire for and soon, you ex will be a distant faded memory that you will be able to have learned something from.
Sit down and have a mini-brainstorm. Think back to before you met your ex, and write down everything you did that made you smile. It might be admiring a sunset, going dancing, reading a book - whatever, no matter how silly.
Make a neat list and pin it up somewhere. Now make sure you do one of those things every day from now on.
Keep busy. Join an evening class, join a gym, over-commit yourself.
I think you're hiding or substituting. Trying to masque your feelings is not good. Let it out. Feel bad for awhile. You need to cleanse. Losing a relationship, is like when someone dies because they're gone forever. You need time to mourn, to cleanse yourself of the pain, then time alone with yourself for perhaps some introspection and then maybe you'll be ready for some activities. If you just substitute other activities, you're going to have a hard fall, maybe more than one. Deal with the issue, don't run away from it. Nobody likes to make the same mistake twice and if you made mistakes that ruined this relationship, running away, hoping to escape the pain, is not the way to learn from your mistakes. Pain is a sign of healing. You need to heal properly so you can be yourself again, so you can love yourself again and so someone else can see the good in you and love you like you want to be loved. People can read when there's something wrong with you. You're not a good candidate to be with someone else right now. You need to fully end one relationship before the next and if you're escaping from it, it's not over, regardless if you're still seeing them or not. Nobody wants to be the transition. If you fully heal yourself, they won't be.
I think you misunderstand me. No one can skip the grieving period but there is a point in which you have to do other things too.
And it's not a question for me personally. I'm a reuniting coach. I'm just picking people's brains.
You have to do everything and different things to deal with this heartache at different times. Some days you just have to accept, some other days keeping yourself busy really helps. So you can't just say one and only one method will work. Mind you, you'll have all the time in the world by yourself to do ALL of those things, inc;. the things you said which are inescapable anyway.
I think the time frame is different for each person based on the seriousness of the relationship, the lack of trust that has since developed, the loss of faith and so on. I was with my ex for 8 years off and on and engaged to marry him. Thankfully that didnt work out and we were able to part ways without divorce or more importantly children being involved. My ex was an abuser, not physical but mentally. It took me 3 years to develop some kind of trust to even truly date again and at the same time when I let part of that wall down I found a man that is so much better for me and takes care of me in every way possible. You never stop thinking about your ex because of the pain they caused but over time it gets easier and with the love and support of friends and family it becomes that much more easier to deal with. It is their loss that you you are no longer together and someone else's gain.
Take time to recover. Don't rush it. Talk about it.
It's good when you decide breaking up is what you need to do. A lot of other people need to go through no contact as a first step of easing to the path of reconciliation and I know first hand how hard it is.
It's always good to know ideas from those who have experienced it how they get through this.
Definitely start dating other people. Get onto a dating site. There are so many good ones around. Even if you dont go on a date, the emailing and texting process will keep you entertained and your mind off your ex. It also boosts your confidence
I know they say we shouldn't but yes finding a newer model does wonders, allowing love into your heart again. I also find making beaded jewellery very theraputic. I have a habit of dropping them on the floor and spending hours on my hands and knees searching for them. Honest to God it is a great distraction. Beads and Men and surrounding yourself with positive people.
I found Hubpages thankfully and I downloaded Skype which gave me a better sense of contact with my loved one than the telephone. At least I saw him and we could interact better via skype. It is not easy living apart together but this is my life for now until we find a solution. I studied a new language also so that got me out daily and among people. It is important to remain in contact with others as loneliness is not a good friend. Hope this helps. I am happy to email with you further on this and to be your friend during this difficult time. xxx
Your case is probably long distance relationship not a breakup, am I right? I'm talking about no contact one needs to impose when one breaks up with one's partner to give them space to process things out.
OMG I just realised you broke up with your loved one - I am so sorry. You just write your experience then - put it into some action here. Do get out and start something new in your life. Join a class and do something you have always wanted to do........learn a new language, create a garden, paint, climb a mountain, find a whole new life and make it the focus of your attention and in no time, you will be over him.
That was last year, right now we're seeing each other again and having a lot of fun when we're together. I'm just collecting ideas and curious about people's experience during no contact period. I'm now coaching people and giving the same advice you did. Thanks.
buy a set of paints, a few good brushes of different sizes, and just play around with colour. Date your works of art and keep them. Look at the progress you have made down the line. Write about the anger you feel, then when ever you like wrip up the page you have written, if it is on here, there is always the unpublish button,. Hugs.
I have to disagree with 'replacing the old with a new' approach. When newly single, we should all reflect on how to get ourselves back...meaning, we all lose some of ourselves when in a relationship. It just happens.
I do agree with going to the bookstore, movies, as well as finding others with similar interests, via internet, chamber of commerce (?)...
I found a group (internet) who got together every 2nd Saturday & we would all do stand-up paddle board, volleyball (if you're physically active) or many other outings.
I also found within this group, other people that had similar interests as myself. This proved to be a great way to forge new friendships, have some fun and mostly, not think about the ex!! (Wine also helps)
Personally, I find it the hardest thing in the world to get over a break up, esp. if you still have strong feelings for the person. Movies, songs, even books - all backfired in my case, only evoking more memories. I think the only thing that really worked for me was social work - just spending time with those truly suffering (I work with disabled patients)... sort of makes your own pain seem insignificant. Most of all, it's accepting that it's OK to feel low sometimes, instead of being in denial and running after constant 'escapes'....and let time take it's course. All scars fade eventually, at least, the pain does.
I think we all need to find our own answers... Best of luck...
@myownworld for me personally it is definetly songs!!! although sometimes i do it to myself. heh heh... a couple times my own fault though, when i played the same song over and over (i.e. putting my iPod on repeat) for hours straight at a time.
I'm dealing with the break up of a 5 year relationship, so I know how tough it can be sometimes. For me it's been about 5 months now. I think it's best to just go out as much as you can. Don't stay home alone if you can avoid it. I go to the gym a lot and that helps as well. Anything that occupies your time is better than thinking about the past.
You could also try and find someone new. I think it's easier for girls than for guys. Just go out a lot, look pretty, and wait for guys to approach you. Sometimes the attention alone is enough of an ego boost to make you feel a little better.
For guys it's a bit tougher. If you want to find someone new you really have to be willing to put yourself out there again and approach people. After a breakup, it's a lot more difficult to do the approaching as opposed to being approached.
The important thing is to surround yourself with positive people and do fun things. Plan a really cool outing you've been wanting to do for a long time. Stay as busy as possible....
I respect your effort to have a 'no contact' period. Don't look at his FB page or any other thing that can connect you to him. It could cause a relapse into the 'longing/missing/wanting phase'. I mean it makes sense, if one needs a clean break, separate yourself from any reminder of the significant other.
Everybody handles it in different ways. I'm sorry you're hurting & missing right now. I promise you it won't last forever.
I think that at first you need to get it all out and cry, be depressed, get angry. If you breakup and then jump into something or someone else really quickly then you are holding those feelings in, trying to mask them. Not solve them. One day you might just explode. So I say think about your ex for a while, write down all of your feelings, get your mind straight. And then when you are ready to face the big scary world again, find a hobby, ready books, start something you always wanted to do, get support from family and friends. It is a really hard thing to do, but giving each other the space that you need at this point will give you both a chance to realize if this relationship is over for good or not. You will both learn a lot about yourselves during this time.
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