Is it possible to stay in a marriage just for the children

1. 63

   dawnMposted 14 years ago

   staying married for the sake of the children, do parents become unhappy and then kids grow up with that?

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   1. 57

      leebertteaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I think it's a mistake. If parents are truly unhappy in their relationship, the kids will pick up on this and that kind of environment isn't ideal for raising kids. It's better for the kids to see their parents in a happy, loving relationship then in a tense and hostile one, even if they live in separate households.

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2. 96

   Rochelle Frankposted 14 years ago

   Maybe. Depends on the maturity of the parents and if they put the welfare and happiness of their children above their own concerns.

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3. 69

   alternate poetposted 14 years ago

   It is the lesser of two evils - once you make a kid you are responsible for it above yourself in my opinion. The chance of any two people being able to put the kids above themselves is pretty remote but a few do seem to manage it.
   
   If you are considering it then be prepared for huge sacrifices and a pretty miserable existence until you can get out of it - better to reconcile and pretend to have a happy marriage, even if it means selling your soul.  Good luck !

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4. 71

   earnestshubposted 14 years ago

   I think it depends on many factors. The age of the child being a major factor as well as how well adjusted the parents are for starters.

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5. 75

   Shil1978posted 14 years ago

   It really depends on you! If it is possible for you - it is possible!! As long as the partner isn't abusive or a threat, I would think one should stay in a marriage - if your kids are small that is!!
   
   In my view the impact on kids of divorces are not understood fully well by most parents who divorce. For the sake of kids, some personal sacrifices can be made IMHO, if the situation warrants!
   
   It shouldn't affect the children (staying in an unhappy marriage), if you don't let them know of feel about the negative vibes you have going on with your partner.

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6. 84

   wychicposted 14 years ago

   Theoretically I suppose it is possible, but I have never seen it work. Even if the parents that are in an unhappy marriage are able to keep any negativity away from the kids...or even if there ISN'T any negativity...the kids are still not getting the benefit of seeing what a loving relationship looks like. There is no shared affection, and in many situations probably barely tolerance. I come from what seems to be a more typical situation...parents who were in an unhappy marriage and fought a lot, stress factors that they weren't able to completely hide from us, etc. My mom has told me that she knew after the first couple of years that it wasn't the right place for her to be, but she hung on for 11 years before a legal separation "for the kids." In hindsight, it would have been much easier on my sister and I if we had been very young instead of 10 and 11 when it all happened.
   
   In my own divorce, my son took a couple of months to adjust but is now very happy with the situation. His father and I are on amiable terms whenever we see each other (which is only when we switch off for visitation, which probably helps keep the amiable terms) and he has bonded very well with my current husband and his stepbrother. He also thinks he's particularly special because he has two homes, two sets of toys, two dogs, etc. From personal experiences and observing friends and acquaintances, it seems to work much better if people just acknowledge it's not going to work, get out when the kids are young, and most importantly get out before bitterness and animosity toward each other have a chance to take root.

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7. 67

   FduToitposted 14 years ago

   Is it possible? Certainly. But the real question is "Will it be good for the children and in their best interests?"
   
   You see, I recently got divorced after a 17 year long marriage and for several years my wife and I stayed together for the sake of the children. I could not stand the thought of the children suffering in any way because their parents have not been able to make the marriage work.
   
   Telling the children that we have decided to get a divorce was one of the most difficult things I have done in my life. The response? "We have been expecting it! We are surprized you did not get a divorce sooner!"
   
   Children know when something is not right in your relationship. You cannot fool them for very long. Seeing both parents unhappy with things but sticking it out is not necessarily a good thing.
   
   Don't get me wrong... Any relationship has its ups and downs and needs work. But, staying together just for the sake of the children will make nobody happy in the end and is not a solution.
   
   Good luck!

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   1. 84

      wychicposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Agreed! My husband married his first wife because she got pregnant, and he'd always been raised to do the right thing. Then came another kid, and there was already a stepkid in the mix. They had a really rough relationship from the start. He'd suspected her of cheating, but always turned a blind eye because "it would be better for the kids" if they stayed together. It wasn't until his daughter called him on his way to work and told him to come back home that he caught her in the act, and his daughters were very happy to finally see that horrible situation end and chastised him for taking so long.

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8. 59

   tobey100posted 14 years ago

   Even after 35 years of marriage I still can't answer that one.  I can tell you this though, it seems the longer I was married the more children I had.  Five so far.  I hope this doesn't mean that if we're married 60 years I can expect another five kids.

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9. 67

   Greek Oneposted 14 years ago

   Possible?
   
   I would say it is very common

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10. 57

    lovelypaperposted 14 years ago

    If the parents are always fighting or even putting off "bad vibes" with each other, the kids will pick up on that and it's not good for them to be around the tension. They will learn how to be a spouse from you and your spouse.

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11. 60

    Chaotic Chicaposted 14 years ago

    Is it possible? Absolutely!  Is it advisable? Almost always the answer is no.  If the couple has tried everything from latenight talks to couseling to therapy to whatever else and there is still no living with the person, then just go.  By then the kids know and they aren't any happier by the two staying together.

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