My friend says it's old fashioned to get married, but he fails to explain why. I have to admit I'm biased towards getting married when two ppl love each other. I don't understand why they wouldn't. Can you enlighten me as to why it's better to not get married? Thanks.
Who cares if it's old-fashioned? Your friend thinks being old-fashioned is a bad thing, I take it?
I am not here to say you should not get married, as there are arguments that are valid in either direction. However, in case you want a partial list of the reasons against, here are some of them:
* Love is an emotion. It is spontaneous if it is genuine. If it is fixed, then it is false. Think of a smile. A genuine smile comes of its own, flickers on our face, then vanishes. We did not force it. But how ugly is the fixed smile of the joker. To promise to love another forever and always is to promise to fix your momentary emotion of true love and turn it into a death grimace.
* When two people marry, they join their financial estates, and later what the one earns belongs also to the other. After a few years of this, neither party has much belonging to himself. This means that even if you buy flowers for your love, it is not a gift anymore, because you used her money to buy them. You can't gift one another with anything, because you have already given everything away.
* Children born to a marriage are pawns in the eventual divorce. If they had each been born to one parent only, there would never be any cause to involve them in a lovers' dispute.
* People find it hard to revere their spouses because familiarity breeds contempt.
" Love is an emotion"
And by your definition, a fleeting one? I think you are confusing love for infatuation or lust.
" After a few years of this, neither party has much belonging to himself. "
If you are primarily concerned with what belongs to yourself then you are missing the point of marriage.
"Children born to a marriage are pawns in the eventual divorce"
You are assuming an evetual divorce AND that the parents will at that time see their children as mere "pawns"? Far, far too pessimistic.
"People find it hard to revere their spouses because familiarity breeds contempt"
Really? So everyone has contempt for their parents, siblings, and oldest friends? I don't think so.
I suppose its better to not get married if your not sure you will want to be with that person untill you die. And I think maybe in some places there might be financial reasons to not get married. I know alot of people say that if you love someone, what difference does a religous ceremony make? If your committed to someone, a legal piece of paper won't change it. Stuff like that. I am not sure really why it would be better, I think its just a personal decision. Its like saying Chicken is better.
Marriage has taken it's own definition. For many, marriage is not about the paper license that the government issues which declares your love for each other. For these people, marriage is about the heart and the commitment that they give each other. It's the knowledge and belief of their love for each other that precedes any government document. They believe in each other with complete trust that they believe a piece of paper is to validate their love is insulting.
For others, this document is a way of proving to themselves and each other how much they love each other. It's a way of validating their love for each other; and another way for the government to take some money out of your pocket.
Each person has their belief and I've discovered that it's a belief that is difficult to change in another person. If one gives in to the other, then it will never sit right with that person over time. It will have caused a rift in the relationship and over time, it can cause it to fail.
Hey, this is just my opinion.....and what do I know?
if your question is based on your relationship....differing opinions on whether or not to marry could eventually get in the way of your future relationship...one of you may not be very happy with where the relationship goes - settling rather than living the way you want; instead, the way someone wants you to.
Wow - that's a loaded topic. I think marriage means something different to each person. You ought to be asking yourself in any relationship how much common ground you have with the other person - on issues large and small. Otherwise, a piece of paper isn't going to make or break the outcome in the long-run.
Beth - So you think it depends on the person's definition of marriage if marriage is a good thing for him or her to undergo. Your opinion is something I can identify with and so I don't want to change anyone. Thank you.
Brenda - Yes, he does. I don't know if it's out of fear of losing others' approval. Well, he doesn't have my approval of thinking like that, but you know, thinking-wise I count as off-beat. Plus, they can do what they want.
Medora - I think that these analogies are fallacious. Sometimes they just sound so clever and appropriate we don't even think of checking if there is true logic behind them. Like for instance, the gift of a flower loses no value to the recipient just, because it was in part paid for by her. I also think that love is a matter of emotion not logic. I know, I asked for reasons to not get married, but I still don't know a valid one.
Sab Oh - I think "familiarity breeds contempt" is a very ridiculous and cynical statement.
SomewayOuttaHere - I asked this question, because I'm the all for marriage type and if I should meet someone that's just the other way, I want to be able to understand her.
Scent Magic - My question is really: if both parties love the other and they want to live their whole life together, why wouldn't they want to get married. I'm not involved personally. I just don't get it. In fact I read a hub from Paul Edmondson that deals with this topic and he has sound advice. http://hubpages.com/hub/Should-I-get-Married-Early
DoorMattnomore - I remember a few years back when people loved each other they got married without thinking too much about it. Then a lot of them got divorced, of course, but I don't think a divorce is the end of the world. It can be a good decision.
Haunty, perhaps you do not understand the true value of a gift. The value of a gift is not the physical object that is given or the market price that is placed on it by the multitudes: the value of a gift is the spirit in which it is given freely by one person to another.
If I pick your pocket and buy you a rose, that is not the same thing as if I spent my own money. This is not because the rose has changed. The rose is still the same. But I violated your rights to give it to you, and instead of a gift, it is a theft!
When a woman is presented with flowers by a man, he is showing his generosity in frittering away good money on a beautiful thought. The flowers have no value in themselves. They are a luxury that will wilt in a day. But if he used her credit card to buy them, do you still think it would be a gift and not a terrible fraud?
I am totally against marriage and i think that marriage is the biggest watse of time etc etc. BUT if two people are in love and they are willing to risk the major transition into life partners then i think they are taking the right decision.
I will probably be married off after i finish university due to my parents being very traditional. Marriage is only worht living if you are willing to spend every beautiful moment with your life partner.
If some people feel like they arent ready then they should take a step back think about things and make their choice.
absolutely, if you actually get married because your parents wanted it or demanded it, you may be dooming that marriage - its going to take a lot of love or money to make it last!
Are your parents marrying you off to a specific person? Or is the choice of the groom entirely up to you?
Some people find love with another person, and sometimes that love can even survive marriage. When that happens, it is not because they married, but despite the marriage, that love lives on.
If you are not in love at all, and also do not like the idea of marriage, I have but one thing to advise: say no!
"Some people find love with another person, and sometimes that love can even survive marriage. When that happens, it is not because they married, but despite the marriage, that love lives on. "
What good does that kind of cynical pessimism do?
I am neither a cynic nor a pessimist. I am a romantic, and I believe in love!
I would never say "never marry", because there are times when entering into a marriage sanctioned by the state can save somebody's life. There are times when this is the only way to enter a country legally or to find asylum from oppression. If we truly love somebody, of course, we will make that sacrifice for them. There are also other situations when two people may choose to enter into marriage, despite what it may do to their love. Sometimes it is so medical benefits may be shared, or so that a mother may stay home with her child, rather than farm him off to strangers.
Those lovers who can keep their love alive despite marriage are those who continue to live as if they were not married, even when they are. They may keep separate bank accounts, so that they can give each other unexpected gifts. They may have separate bedrooms, so that instead of an odious conjugal duty, their occasional trysts will be exciting and unpredictable. In all things, they will behave as if the other person were free, and they will not assume that they own each other. They will revere and cherish what each chooses to give the other without taking it for granted.
"I will probably be married off after i finish university"
Where do you live that you will be forced into marriage?
Marriage. Back in the day the ceremony itself was a PUBLIC way to make a commitment to each other and a way to have friends and community acknowledge your vow to love, honor,cherish, obey!, and etc. It was tied to religious beliefs that God blessed this union and therefore "let no man put asunder" etc. So. yeh, that is good! People still do that.
There is also the fact that U.S. tax laws give you a break to file jointly as a married couple. There are other financial breaks married people get, and married people with children get even more.
Single-ness is still frowned on (however subtle the stigma against going solo is still there)
These things change - people aren't as keen on marriage just because it is "expected" anymore. I think that's a good thing because now you can act from your own heart and your marriage if you decide on it will be more likely to last because you entered into the union for yourselves, not because your family and community expected it.
I have heard financial wizards say that a solid marriage in your 20's is one way to build toward a secure financial future - but you have to choose your partner carefully - it isn't all about love, though love can keep it going through some awful times, for sure.
Lots of people keep their personal finances seperate after they marry and have a communal fund to cover their mutual expenses - therefore, they make agreements about what that money if for - usually not for gifts for each other. But if you put everything you make into a pot with your mates earnings, you deserve everything you get - meaning you have to have relinquished your independent ownership of your money - everything belongs to the couple now - and so if you give each other gifts, you must have agreed ahead of time that this is ok. It all depends on how much money is actually there, doesn't it? Hopefully, if you're in that kind of marriage you picked a partner who makes wise money decisions!
The only reason I can think of not to get married is because one or both of you don't want to make a life-long commitment to the other. Or you haven't come up with a marriage agreement that you both understand and love as much as you love each other.
I think it is an individual choice between two people, whether or not they get married. It is not that marriage is old fashioned, but more the fact that it does not make as much difference to a relationship as it did in the past, when couples did not tend to live together until they were married.
Nowadays almost everyone in western countries like America and the UK live together for a long time before getting married, if they so choose to. They might buy a house, have children etc. before getting married, so that marriage is more the icing on the cake than the gateway to all of these other things.
And some people might choose to stay the way they are, living together but not marrying. If you have a stable relationship, a roof over your heads and happy children, then these days getting married does not change a relationship much. And since so many people get divorced now, being married brings no more stability to a relationship than cohabiting.
What I am trying to say that it just doesn't matter...if a couple feels that marriage is for them, then great, but if not then that's fine too. It's a personal choice.
Thanks for the great thoughts everyone - mega1, Medora, Polly especially.
But you don't have to. It's important to have friends separate from your marriage.
By the way my parents are indian, so i guess its an arranged marriage for me in a couple of years. nooooooo........
Don't get married until you have to!
Actually, the reason for the high level of divorce rates is that there's not much holding together marriages anymore other than love - which is a fickle beast. In the past people had to stay together in their family to survive - now it's much different.
That and divorce is incredibly costly.
Yes, you are right, CrashDummyMan. In the past, people married for financial reasons, and these financial reasons held marriages together whether there was love or not.
I consider myself an optimist, because I believe that love can last -- but only when it is not forced. There is nothing to destroy the tender flower of love like an injunction: "thou shalt love!" Leave it alone, and it will flourish.
So, love can last, but only if it is not commited to? People can stay together, but only if they don't promise each other to?
Cynical and pessimistic.
And you believe what? That love can only last if you make a commitment and enforce it by law? That's what I would consider cynical. Can you not have faith in the heart of man? Do you not think that using whips and chains to keep love alive is the surest way on earth to kill it?
Have you ever had a lifelong friend? What made this person stay by your side? Was it a legal commitment? If our friends can stand by us, motivated by nothing but friendship, why do you think our lovers cannot?
Who said they "cannot"? YOU seem to be so afraid of commitment that you have convinced yourself love cannot surive it. Is this another manifestation of the modern liberal allergy to anything that even hints at responsibility? Your comments on this subject are most certainly cynical and pessimistic and I sincerely hope you get over whatever it is that has so wounded you.
No peice of paper holds two who are committed to each other. It is a commitment of the heart and mind and is a bond created outside the laws of man. I remain convinced, as does my wife that we would have stayed together regardless of marriage license or certificate. The gay community could learn from this marriage philosophy. Then they would be more in touch with the spirit of marriage instead of wasting their time on a material manifestation of man's hubris. YAH!
Well Haunty let me tell you something about being Old-Fashioned, I have been married to the same girl for 51 years and if I had to do it over again, it would be with the same girl. Look around you today and see the number of divorces and the alarming static that 41 % of infants being born today is to single moms. I helped raise 5 children and have a pretty good idea how much time and work is involved. Another alarming stat is that the American family is bring destroyed by cheating and lying.
Reasons to not get married?
Because you don't love the other person.
Because you are only using the other person.
Because the other person is only using you.
Because the other person doesn't love you.
I think all other reasons fall into these categories.
Haunty, if you find a woman who loves you and you love her just as much, by all means get married. What your friend says has nothing to do with your personal situation.
If your thinking on getting married, Haunty...Here's some good advice...for ya':
Take two of these and....Run!
Personally, I think marriage should be abolished. I think people would actually work harder at getting along without it. I think it causes more problems than it solves.
If you love someone, enjoy their company, etc., then live together. Do you really need a piece of paper or some sworn committment to do that? It doesn't keep you together, YOU keep you together. You can do that without it.
Anyone who insists you must marry them to keep them isn't worth it. They just want to mark it off their list and feel like they can now relax because now they have you.
I think marriage is fine and a great way to cement your partnership but you need to really really make sure first. Live together for several years. Sorry to the especially religious but these days it makes sense. I got married young, we hit a big problem and have divorced. I'll regret that divorce till my dying day because if we'd worked at it we'd still be together. Now in another relationship but sad.
If something is old fashioned, doesn't mean it's invalid. I'm not a huge fan of marriage (I did that once and didn't care for it) but there are some great marriages out there. Then there are the unhappily married folks out there that still continue on for one reason or another. If a you're not happy more than 75% of the time in a relationship (including marriage or domestic relationship), time for a change. Dr. Phil said that and I personally think it's true. Life is too short to continue a relationship with someone you no longer love. Any type of abuse, mental or physical, that's when the deal is off, period!
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