What would you do if your spouse no longer desired you?

1. 64

   dawnMposted 14 years ago

   if you still were hot for your spouse but they no longer wanted you and you have kids with them would you stay,leave,or cheat?

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      mega1posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      that's a lot of ifs there -  these private decisions are always so subjective it doesn't matter one bit what other people do about it - only your own actions and decisions - good luck, girl!

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   2. 0

      Contriceposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I totally agree with mega1.  However, you did post the question so I'll provide my best answer.  1) Have you tried talking with your spouse-often simple communication gets overlooked as a resolution to a problem.
      2) Have you tried to keep things "spicy." -Sometimes people feel that just because they are married they don't have to work for it anymore.  That is simply not true.  Are you still an interesting person or does your life revolve around the kids?  Do you still like to do things or go places together? 
      3) Counseling-There are several reasons why a person in a marriage may become (or seem) uninterested (and it may have nothing to do with you)
      
      You are looking for an answer to a complex problem.  You probably will not find the answer you're looking for here, but I hope you find something that helps

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   3. 55

      yenajeonposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      LEAVE. It IS cut and dry. He/she doesn't desire you. Its over.

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      speedbirdposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      don't cheat, stay and fight from within

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   5. 0

      klarawieckposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I would probably leave before I cheat, but I wouldn't stay. That's for sure.

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   6. 0

      janikonposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I honestly would feel it necessary to have a conversation about when they stopped desiring me, then we'd need to have a conversation about the life we share - why would I want to stay with someone who doesn't want me? It would be detrimental not only to myself but also, as time went on, to my children.
      
      If there is a chance to save the relationship then I would work at it but if it's a dead relationship, then I would need to leave. Cheating would not be an option.

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2. 66

   Mishaposted 14 years ago

   poor thing...

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3. 72

   KCC Big Countryposted 14 years ago

   It's rarely as cut and dry as it may seem.  Most need to take a good long look at themselves and the relationship before they make that determination.  Having kids certainly complicates things.  However, kids are not well-served by being forced to live with two people who really don't want to be together.
   
   Sometimes, it's just better to get out.

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4. 79

   H.C Porterposted 14 years ago

   catch up on some sleep....
   
   just joking...they just dont want to have sex-or they have fallen out of love? if it was purely sexual--I would send them to the doctor-if it was more than that and the love was no longer there I would leave after a discussion over what was going on with the relationship

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5. 84

   manlypoetrymanposted 14 years ago

   This is going to sound like just a 'cold' response from a guy...but sometimes I wonder what part of "for better or worse" that people didn't hear when they were taking an oath. And if it wasn't an oath before God that makes you think about it...it was also done between yourselves...and with witnesses in agreement!
   
   Sorry...there are things you can work out...granted this is a huge one. But deff...the first 1,800 options do not include leaving or cheating...I'm just saying! This comes from someone who is married...going on 13 years...BTW. So...it comes from someone with a little experience

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   1. 72

      KCC Big Countryposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Not everyone who gets married takes those same vows before God. 
      
      I was married for 23 years the first time.  Many people get divorced after 40 years of marriage even.  Number of years under your belt means little when it comes to matters of the heart.

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   2. 68

      lrohnerposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I agree with you, but there's a little problem. What if one partner has said "screw it" to the oath and all of that. Is the other one supposed to just sit back and try to "work on it" while the other one just goes about his or her merry way? Just sayin'....
      
      If your partner doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore or even work at it, then leave his arse in the dust and go on with your life. Hanging on will only cause you heartache.

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         SomewayOuttaHereposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         ...right on...'leave his arse in the dust' - i like that....that darn timing thing has to be right on the mark.

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6. 0

   Precious Williamsposted 14 years ago

   If I was still hot for my spouse but he was no longer hot for me - I would find out why and see if there was anything I could do about it.

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7. 61

   TMMasonposted 14 years ago

   She is free to go... as am I.

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8. 53

   kmackey32posted 14 years ago

   Well I was in that situation at one time and I left and its the best decision I ever made as I am in a VERY loving relationship now...

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9. 64

   Lisa HWposted 14 years ago

   If I were in that situation and had young kids, I'd be willing to stay, and I'd hope, for the kids, the spouse would be willing to stay for the kids (but the spouse would have to be someone who could then live life under such an arrangement without being miserable and resentful all the time, and take it out of everyone else, including the kids).
   
   Without thinking this out much right now, my immediate thought is that I might not be above working out an "arrangement" where both spouses privately (and without the kids knowing) did their own "socializing" outside the house.  I think people with that kind of arrangement need to be good and sure no "second-families" crop up to complicate things.
   
   I think less than ideal situations can work out if both spouses agree to them and can be OK knowing it was their choice (at least for the time-being). 
   
   I don't think there's much point in hoping to get someone who's not interested in you interested in you.  I just think, "Move on (at least emotionally) and do the next thing, whatever that next thing is."  There's a point where "hot for your spouse" or not, people have to be grown ups and deal with what isn't going to change. 
   
   (I'm not a fan of being reduced to sneaking around or else being someone who isn't honest with a spouse. )

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10. 68

    Diane Insideposted 14 years ago

    my spouse does not desire me, but he still loves me, and it is just an issue we have to deal with. If anyone has any ideas to help him let me know. Because I need him to start.

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11. 64

    dawnMposted 14 years ago

    I posted this question in hopes that people could come up with some suggestions for others going through this situation.  We mostly hear this from men talking about their wives not wanting them but it is more taboo for a husband not to want a wife. Many of you gave really great advice and for sure open communication is best and I have to agree with Lisa in many ways about making an arrangement or with knacky and leave at some point.  I think that it is very hurtful to be in a marriage with a person who does not love or desire you and even though you may have kids many times the children will see the one parent as depressed or sad all of the time and that is not good either.  One of the best solutions is for the couple to seek counseling or if that spouse does not want to go than the other should get help for themselves so that they can decide to stay in the marriage and attempt to be happy or call it quits and move on.  Sometimes the spouse that no longer loves them is not well themselves or has simply fallen out of love.  Life is short and precious and living in complete misery will never be the right answer.
    If it was me I might just get a little action on the side……………………….lol

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12. 59

    jpollosoposted 14 years ago

    Hi! I would say that relationship requires maintenance. It is important for the man and the woman to work on their relationship and when one stumbles the other one should pick her/him up.. You don't measure who gives and who takes because true love has no measure at all. For me passion means sacrifice, so every now and then we need to make one. Maybe my article can give you some idea and could help you. It's <snipped link - do not promote your hubs in the forums>.

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13. 68

    Greek Oneposted 14 years ago

    two words...
    
    Internet Porn

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    1. 67

       snagerriesposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Great reply

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       1. 59

          Dave Barnettposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          Gotta decide if sex is more important than love. Mutual respect can have a price. People change, you either adapt, or move on.

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          1. 0

             Home Girlposted 14 years agoin reply to this

             Never stay for the kids. Never stay for the KIDS. NEVER stay for the KIDS. NEVER STAY!
             You' ll make their life miserable. They would think it's their fault, as you never can mask unhappiness. Just GO!!!

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14. 53

    annalizaposted 14 years ago

    gal, as far as u dont have a mother in law(or any in law for that matter)or any affair to distract your husband's love for u and make him neglect u  you can very well stay in the relationship.  as someone said it seems just an issue in the marriage relationship.  u just have to sort it out.

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15. 59

    KateKarminposted 14 years ago

    Its difficult. Do not cheat if you do not want to, if that is not your style and if you still love him. Leave for a while may be. I dont know I think such a thing would break me now when I imagine that happening to me! I think I would force him to like me back or something you know.

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16. 71

    dashingscorpioposted 14 years ago

    Ideally, I would end the relationship and find someone who is attracted to me, desires me, and loves me. Life is short!
    
    Two of the things I've learned over the years is
    1. "You don't negotiate love and affection" They're given freely
    2. "You can't manufacture chemistry" It's either there or it's not.
    
    Pointing fingers or playing a game of "Saints & Sinners" is not going to get you what you want.
    
    (We Choose Our Own friends, lovers, and spouses.)
    
    Therefore WE are ultimately responsible for OUR own happiness.
    One goal in life is to learn and gain enough wisdom to make better choices for ourselves.
    
    The "easier" cowardly/selfish thing to do is to cheat.
    One of the reasons so many people opt to cheat is it takes more Courage to walk away from a KNOWN situation and enter into an UNKNOWN one. Others treat relationships/marriages like jobs, they won't leave one without having another one lined up!
    
    Cheating seems easier and more appealing than a messy break up or getting a divorced. Ironically though if you get caught cheating it can be much worse than had you left prior to seeing someone new. It's rare when someone doesn't get caught who cheats long term or often.
       
    The World May Not Owe You Anything, But YOU Owe Yourself The World!

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17. 61

    Zebedee353posted 14 years ago

    I think if my lady did not desire me anymore I would and should be able to focus my attention in other  areas including finding another women that would love my companionship.

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18. 0

    PrettyPantherposted 14 years ago

    I believe that sex is part of the marriage contract, unless otherwise agreed to by both parties.  If one party is no longer interested, and their interest cannot be revived, then the other party is justified in either leaving or seeking an agreement that they will remain in the marriage but can find sex somewhere else.  They are NOT justified in cheating and lying about it.

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19. 59

    islandgirl06posted 14 years ago

    WE all know that sex comes with being married or having a boyfriend, but when it comes to marriage it will be different because the two of you are together every single day. But I will use my persoanl experience. From the time I met my husband, it was me who always initiated the intimacy between us. And this is all about what a few people told me, for my husband not to get tired of me, always make sure that I always meet his needs. I guess we can call it " The Old Myth" of marriage. But if you ask this man I married he will say that he also approach me when it comes to having intimacy.
      But God knows our first few months of being newlywed, he made me feel so cheap and not needed because I caught him helping himself in the shower. Since that time I felt not worthy because I can't even make my husband satisfied in bed, even I do. From his past affairs he didn't want to break his relationship with the other woman because he told me that his lust took over. Bluntly he told me that for him to have sex with another woman,he needs to have feelings for her, which he did with this woman. And he also said one time sex is not enough for him, just like eating an apple, after the first bite, he needs to bite some more to see how good the taste is.
       I do know that most of us do and will experience being rejected by our spouse and find out that we don't rurn him on anymore. It's not a very good feeling deep inside.

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    1. 61

       solarcaptainposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       Do you not have a spiritual leader who will see you and your husband together to give you a third party opinion?  Your husband possibly has some notions about sex that makes him see sex as dirty and only good with a "bad" girl.  Maybe his family was uptight about sex.  It was a taboo.
       A marriage counselor might help you and your husband learn about intimacy.
       Failing to help you two become intimate may take some time.  If you both can't see the importance of learning how to relate to each other a counselor might recommend a trial separation or even divorce., especially if there are children it would be well to speak to a person who understands and has studied problems of marriage.

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20. 64

    dawnMposted 14 years ago

    wow great responses, and I have to say I agree with many.  fist dont stay because of the kids, work on the marriage like heck and do everything you can to make it work, but if it doesnt and you stay because of the kids, there will be resentment for sure.
    
    I think that married couple should take classes on sexuality and how to spice up marriage, it would help many couples...lol

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    1. 61

       solarcaptainposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       not such a bad idea actually, which is exactly what many counselors do to help deal with some of the really bizarre and weird ideas that couples bring to the marriage.  Sex and money, sex and money , cheating, jealousy, rage and abuse.  There you are. Your posts are right on . thank you

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21. 52

    John Wiggensposted 14 years ago

    married 43 years and 25 years without sex. And I have no desire
    for my wife anymore. She can do what she wants, and its been that way for years.
    43 years is to long. Why are we still together, well neither one of us would survive out in the real world. Were on a fixed income and we get by OK.
    I have one really soft spot in my heart, and that is people who are home less. I couldn't bear either one us being homeless so we stay together and away from each other.

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22. 59

    zthao89posted 14 years ago

    Wow, that sums up my relationsip right there. What I would do...I am staying for now, want to leave, so gonna cheat.

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    1. 61

       HattieMattieMaeposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Let go and be thankful for the time we had together, and the memories we have.

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    ubanichijiokeposted 13 years ago

    For me, cheating is not an option. Try and see if things will work out. Do all you can and see, work for it especially if you have children. If things do not workout, be assured that you ve played your part. Get a divorce instead of cheating. Best of luck

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