Is it possible for a man to speak ugly, insulting remarks toward a spouse, and don't remember saying them afterwards?
I don't believe so, unless there's a mental illness behind it. (not really sure that's a valid argument, but it's just an idea/thought)
I have to say yes,as my wife would tell me thing I couldn,t remember when I sobered up from a drinking binge.
Selrach has the same idea that came to my mind...some of the nastiest things I've ever heard came from a drunk person to his spouse, and the next day he couldn't remember them at all and probably would have gladly fought anyone to the death who said those sorts of things about his wife.
or he might too drunk or hopped up on drugs. those are other possibilities, but other than that...it just sounds like an excuse to say whatever he wants without holding any responsibility for what he says.
My husband does it all the time when I try to get him to come to bed at 4am. He's asleep in front of the TV and gets really pissed off when someone wakes him up. LOL
I love to play victim in the morning and make him feel bad about his attitude. He never remembers. LOL
get a voice recorder and then play it back to him. that should help his selective memory.
Yes, if they were drunk the night before, on cold meds or doing drugs. He could have had a stroke or seizure too. I have seen medically induced people have issues of this nature only to find out that the person who was swearing and cussing at the other one was in the middle of a seizure and needed to be seen by a doctor the next day.
Sleep walkers have been known to have violent interactions with their spouses only to wake the next morning and not know of the damage.
I agree actions of this nature stem from a time in their lives where this type of behavior was allowed to exist. So they don't care if you're offended by it, because they don't care either.
It certainly needs to be nipped in the bud!
Nope! When that happens it's usually a defense mechanism to dismiss what he/she has said and done. In other words it's a tactic of deceit to get away with being a coward.
An "insult" is subjective to oneself.
As the old saying goes "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me".
The wisdom in that statement stresses the fact that words are just that words. If you're hurt by them, then you need to re-evaluate yourself.
If someone says you're "ignorant", it is in part truth is it not? Everyone is "ignorant" in some manner.
If someone says you're a "bitch", then say "thank you". You are after all, part truth of it- you are female.
Words said by people to others, are meant to weaken "self-esteem" further than it is already. Giving them that strength/power over you is what YOU are letting them do, by being insulted.
Only when he comes to ... after you've knocked him out!
sure...if he's drunk or on drugs of some kind...that or he's lying. those are the only reasons i can think of. granted, i would never say that it justifies his actions in any means, but i was just speculating in light of your question here.
he remembers it, he just does not want to face it, that he acted that way
No, he remembers, and he remembers everything you said in return. This is the sign of either a drunk or a dry-drunk personality. Do not bother going to Alanon, that is what I tried. Don't accept his bad behavior. Dump him.
This is the coward's way out. You know better. Another bad one is saying he was just joking when he makes a hurtful remark.
I've known people who do such things. I think there could be a variety of reasons. It doesn't really affect them so much, and they have no guilt about saying it, so they don't remember. I think there may be a little sociopathic behavior behind it. I don't know. I think there may be other reasons, too, but none of them are good.
I'd stay away from such people. They will deny a lot of things.
does he get really drunk? My ex used to claim he couldn't remember any awful thing he'd said while really drunk.
dementia, if he is older, causes the same thing. I guess that younger people can get dementia too. I think there a number of psychological reasons this could happen - including pathological liar!
good luck to you, I really know what you're going through and it is terrible and very hard on your spirit. Remember to treat yourself really well, and don't start believing his putdowns!
If he only says these ugly insulting remarks to you and no to anyone else, I think he's a big jerk and I'd be wonderin why you're putting up with him.
It occurs to me that we don't really have the whole picture - if he is usually really good to you and just sometimes says awful things - it really could be some serious problem he should see a doctor. There's no real advice we can give you!
And we don't know what she is saying or how angry people are over what and if there is alcohol involved - which aren't excuses, but can cause far different advice.
One of my brother-in-laws was a a horrible, abusive drunk. One night I found my sister unconscious on the floor with my very young nephew running in circles around her crying. After tending to them, I went hunting with a baseball bat for her husband. Fortunately, I did not find him - if I had, I might be getting out of prison just about now.
Shortly after that, he joined AA and became the nicest, sweetest person you could ever want. They divorced, but he spent a great deal of time with his son and really contributed to his upbringing in very positive ways. I grew to really like and respect him and when he died from cancer a few years ago, I was very sad to lose him.
People CAN change and alcohol can be what makes them nasty.
He doesn't drink, it's just a part of his behavior to win and be right all the time.
that's exactly the kind of crazy-making behavior that means he's the one who needs some help - not you. If you stay in a relationship like that your self-esteem will plummet and you'll be sick, literally. Much better to find a way to leave him, I think. There are women's help organizations that will help you if you need it. Life is short! Why go on living with abuse?
Why do you stay? It's a form of control and abuse, and if you realize that, I have to wonder what keeps you with him??
If he is saying he doesn't remember what he said, he is not going to accept your telling him what happened. As well, it's unlikely he will change his behavior, or agree to get help based on your urging.
Get help for yourself, and if the situation doesn't change, get out.
some people just don't know they have said something rude or insulting. I think it all part of lack of compassion!
There is a name for such behaviour, it is called projection.
That is when a spouse has a poor self worth, and projects all their self hate on their partner.
Get the hell out of such damaging relationships unless the other party agrees to therapy.
A couple of suggestions to prevent his possible bad reaction to being taped
Either leave the recorder out so he gets used to seeing it, or hide it somewhat, so it will still pick up the sounds properly - and set it to voice activated, so you don't have to turn it on.
Alternatively, you could use your cell phone if it has the same function.
...and if he runs true to form, be prepared, when you play his words back to him, for him to say he only did it because you accused him of it and he wanted to have some fun with you...
Seems like this could only happen if drugs or alchohol were in the mix, So , what is said is the smaller of your problems. I don't undersand anyones commitments to abusive relatonships.Such a lost cause.
I watched my former family home get torn apart by my brother in laws rages towards my sister and their kids, not physical ever but very emotionally hurtful and supposedly, it was and is bi polar. I dont know how she has done it for over 10 years and 3 kids now. Tending to everything alone and still having to accomodate his bs......
Life is too short to spend it unhappy - divorce him and find a nice guy; it is just possible of course that faced with such a life changing experience he might just become that nice guy. On the other hand - The Chinese would tell you first to look at yourself; very sensible people the Chinese !
"Insulting remarks" sometimes do hurt. The man I married is good on saying insulting remarks to me especially when we were dating. It also happened when his parents was infront of us, all I can tell you is I never felt so small in my life, after he said his smart remarks to me. I have asked him why he always do it to me but his comment to me was,"he didn't think he was using an insult remarks when he talk to me." So naturally it felt like I'm complaining for no reason.
Insulting remarks will always be a painfull words to hear, especially when it comes from the people you love..
It doesn't really matter if he remembers it, knows it's insulting, was drunk, or is lying about not remembering it. The result is the same - you're living with his rotten treatment of you, and if it hasn't already, it will take its toll on how you feel about yourself.
He needs to figure out whatever his weird problem is (although I suspect it isn't really much of mystery, one way or another), and straighten up - or else Unless he's got dementia, he's doing what children do when asked why they did something wrong - say they "forget".
It is irrelevant whether he remembers them or not if the words came out of his mouth he is responsible for them and any harm they caused. Same as when a drunk driver hits someone - they may not remember but they are responsible. Both have a choice and your husband has a choice whether or not to be mindful of how he treats you and others. The drunk driver had a choice to drink or not drink and to drive or not drive. Unless someone has their hand up your husband's behind and is moving his lips for him it's on him. Either way it's on him - ifn' he's willing to give over control of his own mouth to someone else.
Some people give themselves commands like "I don't know", "It didn't happen." "I can't remember". These will have worked in the past to get them out of some situation they did not want to face up to and they keep using them because, after all, they worked. The fastest way to handle someone who needs to be right is just say "You're right". - stops their dumb dumb game dead in it's tracks. The only thing that sucks you into their game is if you need to be right. Being right is not all that it has been cracked up to be - there are those who used to be among us that are dead right - but them is still dead.
That's the jiffy fix - you are welcome to email me if you wish. I have a lot of training in the area.
I was going to say it too. If it's said at all, it's already there. Hidden feelings, false feelings, doubt.
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