Doubting my on-line love. Need advice please

1. 60

   miserableandinlovposted 14 years ago

   I really need help and I don't want to discuss this with my friends. Two months ago, I met someone on-line, yeap, that's what I said.  I wasn't looking, it just happened.  We began to chat and discovered we have tons of things in common and really, really liked each other. I feel that I have fallen in love with him and he's told me he feels the same way.  Unfortunately, he lives in California so this has been a long-distance relationship so far.  we've planned to meet a couple of times, but timing has been bad mainly on my part.  We began emailing each other back and forth and chatting on-line, and after a couple of weeks, I asked him for his number (this is so out of the norm for me).  I've been calling him, but he's not able to call me.  I felt more comfortable doing this way.  I keep my email/IM up so he can let me know when I can call him, and sometimes we chit chat back and forth on IM.  this weekend, he was scheduled to go out of town for a tournament.  I was supposed to go with him, but due to a medical situation, I had to back out.  He arrived the night before and had plans to meet up with friends later that night but I would try and contact him on his cell. I tried him a couple of times that night and could not reach him.  I could see he was online but when I sent the IM there was no response. I sent him an email and went to bed.  At 6 a.m. I got a message from him that he had left his cell phone in the room charging and that's why we had not been able to connect.  I said, OK, just let me know when you will not be available later that day and I would catch up. Around 5ish I saw he was on IM and sent him a message.  They had just finished the tournament and he was going to grab a bite to eat and then take a nap.  He told me he would be available after 7 his time and I told him I was going to call him and the plan was to spend some time chatting on the phone.  I had been invited to a dinner party that night, but wasn't sure if I was going to go.  I really wanted to talk to him.  He's been really busy during the last 3 weeks and traveling so we really haven't been able to chat much on the  phone.  I've been communicating with him via email and IM when possible and sometimes he responds and sometimes he doesn't.  when we've been able to chat he's told me he's read my email, but I don't get why he just doesn't just send a quick response. OK, I digress.  I let him know that I was going to go to the dinner party but would catch up with him later that night since we are both nigh owls.I knew it would not be a big deal for me to call him at 2 a..m my time.  I saw he was online and let him know I was on my way home and would call him as soon as I got in.  I called him around 2:40 a.m. and his phone went to voice mail so I left a message.  This morning at 5:30, he said, hey I read your email and got your voice mail.  I just woke up from my extended nap, I guess I was really tired and I'm going back to sleep.  here's what I'm having a problem with.  Two excuses on two different days and I feel like he's hiding something.  Did he really leave his cell to charge or was he with someone in his room and if you knew I was going to call you, why didn't you just pick up the phone and say, hey I'm still sleeping, call me later.  I really missed him and wanted to talk to him and I felt so sad and miserable.  I did go to my dinner party, and I'm glad that I did.  I would have been pissed if I had planned to chat with him Saturday night only to discover he wasn't available.  So what's your take?  Do you believe these two excuses or do you think he was up to something else.  I just have this feeling that he was with someone - maybe someone he met and hooked up with, but he's not going to tell me that  I emailed him this morning and told him I was glad he caught up with his sleep, but I haven't tried to call him at all, and right now, I can see he's on-line but he doesn't know that I am on because I'm set to invisible.  I'm not calling him, I feel like I'm chasing him and I don't chase guys.  I had this conversation with him a few days ago and I told him that I felt like I was chasing him and that he just wasn't as responsive as I am and communication is important to me.  He said if he had my number he'd be calling me all the time and he's frustrated with that as well.  I don't think that really is a big deal because like I said before, I ask him if he's available to chat or I let him know I'm available.  Am I just being distrusting or is it that 6th sense we women have? Thank you so much for reading this soap opera and for your advice.

   replyreport
   1. 0

      klarawieckposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Have you met him in person yet?

      replyreport
      1. 60

         miserableandinlovposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         not yet, but I've seen his pictures

         replyreport
         1. 0

            klarawieckposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            Then just take it for what it is. The two of you are not in a relationship yet. Trust me. I met my husband online - regular chatroom, not looking for it. He was in Spain and I was here in Miami. Give it time and don't chase him. If he is meant for you, he will take the initiative.

            replyreport
            1. 60

               miserableandinlovposted 14 years agoin reply to this

               he just sent me a message that he's going to be out of town one more night and he'll be available to chat tonight.  I'm not calling him, I'm not even going to answer his email.  I don't chase, my former fiance chased me for 7 months before we went on a date.  I've never had to deal with a situation like this so I'm really annoyed.  I know I love him, he's not like anyone I've ever met before.

               replyreport
               1. 0

                  klarawieckposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                  give it time. Remember, right now you are in love with your perception of who he is. But you really don't know until you get to share with him (in person) over a period of time. I have to admit I got married without really knowing my husband at all. I was very lucky that he turned out to be all I ever wanted and more. But I'm telling you, you still don't know him, even if you think you do. I know this from experience. I hope you get what is best for you... if this includes him, even better!

                  replyreport
                  1. 60

                     miserableandinlovposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                     I know what you mean, even with my x, and it was a different situation, you just don't always know everything about the person.  I do know he's not perfect and from the things he's shared about himself, that's what I like about him.  He's not proclaiming to be and I'm not expecting him to be.  I just want him to work as hard as I have been if we are going to make this work.  Thanks so much and I'm glad things worked out with your hubby!  I've been to Spain many times, hope you've had the chance to to the same

                     replyreport
   2. 59

      dutchman1951posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      "I've been calling him, but he's not able to call me"
      
      do you not think this a bit odd? if both of you are indeed in love, why do you have to schedule an appointment to call?
      
      my Wife and I met on line, first month my bill was 700.00 hers 635.00.. lol
      we decided the heck with this and I flew her to Dallas.
      
      me thinks you are talking to a married guy who travels.
      
      do not be so quick to believe, you are on-line not in person, make him prove to you some of your doubts, if he is real and means it when he says it. He will do it in a heartbeat for you. If he does not, get away from it.
      
      best wishes

      replyreport
      1. 60

         miserableandinlovposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         First, we live in different time zones so that's a challenge.  I'm 2 hours ahead and he's 2 hours behind, different work schedules, etc., etc., there's more to everything than what I can share here.  When we do talk, we talk forever and we don't want to hang up.  i've been going to work sometimes on 4 hours of sleep because I'm up late talking to him. I just feel like he has to work harder and start chasing me, even if it's online right now. Thanks for sharing from a guy's perspective!  Glad you and your wife made it work.  I  hope we can

         replyreport
   3. 61

      Harvey Stelmanposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      There is no such thing as on-line love. Anyone can say anything. Unfortunatly society has gotten away from reality. You are in something with a fantasy. H

      replyreport
      1. 60

         miserableandinlovposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Harvey, take a look at some of the people who posted, and you can see that it is possible.  I know what my heart feels and it is "love".

         replyreport
   4. 55

      oliviagernerposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Hello friend! Why don't to try some dating sites which also provides dating tips and advice or else read the blogs and articles of regarding matter. I'm sure you will get the solution of your problem. Good luck.

      replyreport
      1. 60

         miserableandinlovposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Hello friend! I've read a lot of the advice columns and experiences from other posters.  We have chatted about expectations, etc., and we are just going to take it one day at a time and enjoy the time we will be spending together.  I'm feeling absolutely no pressure from him and I appreciate it that.  The more we chat and the more time we spend on the phone and on-line, the more I realize how perfect we are for each other.  Thanks!!

         replyreport
2. 86

   WryLiltposted 14 years ago

   Having been part of an long internet relationship before, here's my advice:
   
   -Don't give up. See how it goes over the next week. I personally love the internet but sometimes life gets in the way. For all you know he has a lot going on that you don't know about, and he is either too embarrassed or too introverted to tell you.
   -Try not to invest too much emotion in this. Although by the sound of it you already have. Realize that meeting someone in person can be a lot harder than talking on IM or over the phone, with many different expectations.
   -Re: Replying to emails. Some people enjoy writing (that's why your on HP, right) others just do it because it's the only way to communicate. Maybe he talks better over the phone and thinks an email wouldn't sound right.
   
   But what would I know? The guy I was involved with has been talking to me for 8 years online and is on this site. And I've still never met him.

   replyreport
   1. 0

      klarawieckposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I was the one who traveled to Spain to meet the man who later became my husband, WryLilt. Sounds like it's time to make that trip!

      replyreport
      1. 86

         WryLiltposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         I'm married to someone else now.
         
         ...And I tried but he spent 8 years making excuses.

         replyreport
         1. 0

            klarawieckposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            Awwww... Platonic love?! I have a few of those!

            replyreport
            1. 86

               WryLiltposted 14 years agoin reply to this

               Hardly. In fact I stopped talking to him a few months back, merely because I felt he was overstepping the boundaries I'd placed to avoid feeling like I was cheating on my husband. But I learnt you can only wait so long!

               replyreport
               1. 0

                  klarawieckposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                  LOL Oh! C'mon!!! It's only cheating if there is intercourse!!! Isn't that what the boys tell us in high school?! lol

                  replyreport
                  1. 86

                     WryLiltposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                     Hahaha. Well we used to 'intercourse' a lot on the phone.
                     
                     Intercourse means talking, right?
                     
                     (I remember a friend in highschool thinking 'oral sex' involved sitting with a guy and talking about sex.)

                     replyreport
                     1. 0

                        klarawieckposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                        sounds like a good excuse! LOL
                        Yes, I know all about intercoursing on the phone! lol
                        Nothin' wrong with using technology to fuel the emotions, right? 

                        replyreport
   2. 60

      miserableandinlovposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Wrylitt, he's told me he prefers to talk on the phone vs. replying to emails/IM's. I'm always on the go and can make a quick call but I mainly communicate with my friends via IM/email because it's easier for me, but again it's just because I'm so busy.  He sounds like a great guy and I'm crazy nuts in love with him.

      replyreport
3. 86

   rebekahELLEposted 14 years ago

   why wouldn't you want to talk about it with your friends? they know you best and could probably give you the best advice.
   
   I think you already feel within you that it's not right.
   you know nothing more about him than what he has told you, which may or may not be true. his excuses sound lame, you're already annoyed with him. why put yourself through this? I would not answer him at all.
   
   I wouldn't be bothered chasing a man. he should be pursuing you, it doesn't sound that way.
   
   I'm not a big fan of online romantic relationships. I know they happen, but you don't even know if he's really who he claims to be.. and even after meeting.. you still don't know him. he could be married or in a relationship.
   
   there's a hubber here who gives really great advice in her hubs. you may find some advice that pertains to your situation if you look through her hubs. her profile is http://hubpages.com/profile/Veronica
   
   good luck. listen to your instincts. stay safe.

   replyreport
   1. 60

      miserableandinlovposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Rebekah, our situation is really complicated and my two best friends know about him, but my other friends do not, and for now that's how I want it.  I spoke to my male bf a little while ago and he's perplexed because he feels that on-line or not, he should be working harder to prove I'm as important as his work and the rest of the people around him.  As much as I want to pick up the phone or respond to his email, I won't.  I'll give it a couple of days and see how it goes but I may just have to say goodbye and I don't want to.  If I put together a list of all the things I wanted in a man, I have found it in him.

      replyreport
      1. 60

         miserableandinlovposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         I'll def email Veronica!  Thanks!!

         replyreport
4. 80

   mega1posted 14 years ago

   It's all a big joke, right?  I mean you start an account on HP just to talk about this?  with a bunch of writers who are here mainly to write?  mean, its not really primarily a social networking site - the forums are just a small part of HP.
   
   It all sounds so bogus to me, and I mean no disrespect, but I am suspicious by nature.  Or if its not bogus and you aren't just pulling a little jokey on all us naives - then he must be otherwise involved in the non-cyber world - married or in a relationship and he regrets he got in so quickly with you online and just doesn't know how to get out of it, OR he's a cyber predator and gets his jollies stringing people on - for all you know he's actually a girl with severe mental disorder!  I know people say they meet their mates online, but I could never have more than friendly chats with people I don't really know online and I will never understand how anyone gets emotionally involved with anyone online in chatrooms!
   
   Good luck!

   replyreport
   1. 60

      miserableandinlovposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I hate to tell you, but this is true and what I just wrote about is true but you go ahead and believe whatever makes you happy.  Some people, like the ones who have responded, have met their spouses, bf/gf, etc., on line so it is possible.  I've visited this website in the past and have read some of the posts so I thought, why not? People on here seem intelligent and they can either relate to what I'm going through and perhaps tell me stick with it or move on.
      
      Except for the night I met him in that chat room, I had never been in one before.  Why, because I don't have time.  I work 80+ hours a week, travel, had a fiance, busy lifestyle, etc., etc., so the thought of chatting on line never entered my mind.  Finding that chat room was totally by mistake.  Never even knew this website had one so I went in.
      
      Perhaps you are right, maybe he is married and can't get the nerve to tell me, but I've called him at all hours of the day so I think I would be able to tell if there was a wife around (or maybe I'm just plain stupid).  He's not a girl, unless he has a really serious problem with his hormones cause he sounds like a man. Predator? maybe, I don't know, but I am being careful.  About getting emotionally involved with anyone on-line, check out some of the people above you.  You sound like a sour puss, eat a little honey and sweeten up your life.  Ciao

      replyreport
5. 59

   HonestlyHonest74posted 14 years ago

   Okay....Miserable...Either this guy is marries/invloved or just not that into you. Guys are simple, if they want you they make it happen...Dont you think its weird that he cant talk?
   
   Listen go with your gut and stop being afraid to find out what you already know....There is something fishy going on here..
   
   Bottom line is there are SO MANY MEN OUT THERE...Stop putting your energy into someone who "might" be the one...But really if women go with their gut feeling, and im talking about their real gut feeling, and not what they want their gut feeling to be, they would get hurt less....And I say that from exerience..

   replyreport
   1. 60

      miserableandinlovposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      OK, so today, we have spoken more than we have in the last 3 weeks,  I said, so have you missed me or have you been too busy? He said my feelings for you haven't changed, do you think they have? I said no.  He seemed sincere and today after every chat I felt more and more comfortable that he's not playing with me and he really wants to make a go of this relationship.  I will be in his neck of the woods on business and plan on catching up with him. within the next couple of weeks. He's invited me to stay with him, so he's def not married or has a gf   I think we all hold back on a lot of things because sometimes we think it's best to talk about those things in person and maybe when we get together I can raise all the questions I have.  He has been pretty honest, at least, I believe he has.  Every question I ask, he's answered.  I guess I'll know for sure if my instinct was right or if I was just paranoid.

      replyreport
      1. 0

         klarawieckposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Wish you much luck! MAKE THE TRIP and meet him! But, be smart... it's better to be safe than sorry.

         replyreport
         1. 60

            miserableandinlovposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            Thanks for wishing me luck!  I plan on making the trip and will take precaution!

            replyreport
6. 80

   mega1posted 14 years ago

   why does this seem so scarey to me - to meet a guy online - go to where he lives - stay with him where he lives - when you've never met him in person before?  slow down a little! I'd stay at a hotel and meet him only in public at first - you seem to have some hesitation - better safe than sorry!  Good luck!  You have no friends in common who know both of you? right?  so be safe!
   
   oh, and make sure someone else knows exactly what you plans are!

   replyreport
   1. 61

      ediggityposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      What if he offers free candy?

      replyreport
      1. 80

         mega1posted 14 years agoin reply to this

         what are you suggesting?

         replyreport
         1. 61

            ediggityposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            I was just adding to the hesitation of meeting a dude you don't know, at his place and staying with him, that you met on the internet.  It's like the guy who offers kids free candy.  It's all fun and games until you find out you're visiting a psycho.

            replyreport
   2. 60

      miserableandinlovposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      We are still chatting about everything, but yes, we will meet in public, yes, I will have a hotel room in town, and yes, I've told my family and a couple of good friends about him and they will have all his info.  We do not have friends in common...yet, but I plan on being careful and smart about this!

      replyreport
7. 0

   klarawieckposted 14 years ago

   Yes, and listen to MEGA1. She's HP's old wise owl!

   replyreport
   1. 80

      mega1posted 14 years agoin reply to this

        I actually know so little about online relationships - that's why I'm such a scaredy cat!

      replyreport
      1. 0

         klarawieckposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         I met my husband online. But I know it's a risk. She needs to be smart, play safe.

         replyreport
         1. 80

            mega1posted 14 years agoin reply to this

            and it's working out well for you?  how long did you chat before you met in person?  where did you meet the first time?  this is fascinating!  How do people let each other know they're interested "that way" online?  Do people really use those online dating services?  is that a good idea?

            replyreport
            1. 0

               klarawieckposted 14 years agoin reply to this

               I posted all that here - read above...
               
               We met on a regular chatroom. We weren't looking for love at all. Anyways, he seemed like a pretty cool guy and I gave him my messenger email. We chatted a lot there - every day until we got used to sharing everything online.

               replyreport
            2. 60

               miserableandinlovposted 14 years agoin reply to this

               Mega, like Klara, I was not looking to meet anyone, I was actually just being nosy and that's how I ended up in the chat room.  He casually said hi, and I said hello back.  Really, that's what happened! I can't explain what happened but i just felt like I wanted to talk to him some more and we did.  Since we are in different time zones, I needed to get off and go to sleep.  The first night, I didn't get to bed until 3 a.m. and had a meeting scheduled for 7:30 the next morning!  We decided to meet back on line at the same time and chat some more and that's what happened.  We did that until I felt comfortable giving him my email address, then we chatted some more through gchat, then the phone.  We have tons of things in common and it always takes us by surprise when we are talking about something and boom, something else we like.  it's hard to explain but the more I chatted with him and the more I found out him, the more I wanted to know.
               We have both shared some pretty intimate stuff, and I recently went through a big medical issue and he stuck with me through it all when he could have walked away.  We encourage and support each other and we have a bond I cannot explain. He really, really seems to be a great guy and I don't think I'm going to be disappointed. If I am, then I guess I'll chalk it up to a lesson learned.  I know I have to be careful but I don't feel threatened by him at all.  I'll still be careful though

               replyreport
   2. 60

      miserableandinlovposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks, Klara, I will be smart about this!

      replyreport
8. 0

   klarawieckposted 14 years ago

   You just become HOOKED and wait for that person to be online to talk to him. That's what happened to me. Then we started talking on the phone - long distance. He was in Spain, I was in the States. Then, I decided it was time for me to go see the merchandise in person! lol

   replyreport
   1. 60

      miserableandinlovposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I know exactly what you mean, that's what happened with us.  I could not wait to leave the office so that I could run home to meet up with him!

      replyreport
9. 80

   mega1posted 14 years ago

   oh wow - so romantic!

   replyreport
10. 0

    klarawieckposted 14 years ago

    What followed was all very primitive! I liked what I saw, I hit him in the head with a giant stick, grabbed him by the hair, and dragged him to Miami, Florida where he snores every night next to me.

    replyreport
11. 0

    klarawieckposted 14 years ago

    It had its ups and downs. We got married not knowing each other at all. We managed to get used to each other and now we are very happy together. But that wasn't the case for the first year. It was very trying!

    replyreport
12. 0

    klarawieckposted 14 years ago

    The smart thing to do would be to meet in a public place - a cafe, bookstore, park - and stay at a hotel ALONE. That's what I did when I met my cyberlove anyways. LOL

    replyreport
    1. 61

       ediggityposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       ...and carry a .357

       replyreport
       1. 0

          klarawieckposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          

          replyreport
       2. 60

          miserableandinlovposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          don't think I can take one of those on the plane! lol

          replyreport
13. 80

    mega1posted 14 years ago

    take along an afghan, maybe.  A really ugly one.

    replyreport
    1. 60

       miserableandinlovposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       LOL, let me think about that one.

       replyreport
14. 60

    miserableandinlovposted 14 years ago

    We are still together and doing great. We are on the phone, email and IM every day, several times a day, and he's coming to see me in a week! Glad I did not give up on him. Thx for all the great responses, I appreciate them!

    replyreport
15. 79

    KCC Big Countryposted 14 years ago

    I met my husband online too.  He was in England, I am in Texas.  We talked for a couple of years before I made the trip like Klara.  I flew to England.  We stayed in a hotel and I committed to just a long weekend there.  We hit it off so well in person, I took my teenage daughter back with me 2 months later.  We immediately began the paperwork for him to get his VISA and a year later he came over and we got married.  We've been married 3 1/2 yrs.

    replyreport
    1. 60

       miserableandinlovposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       That's so awsome! Glad things worked out for you, online love does happen and can be fulfilling

       replyreport
16. 60

    Icanhelpposted 13 years ago

    Omgoodness, please let us know what happens!

    replyreport
17. 59

    Anielaposted 13 years ago

    Okay, first, the guy is sketchy. No ifs, ands or buts about it. I met my boyfriend online, but we didn't have some extended online relationship prior to meeting. We knew that we had a spark, but also knew that you don't really get to know who someone is without meeting in person.
    
    To that end, either make definite plans to meet or back off from this guy. My guess is he is married or living with someone, but either travels a lot or works late nights. I've had my experience with men I've met online, who won't say they're married, but have the same types of patterns.
    
    As for love? It's infatuation. Love takes time - in person, face-to-face time. You know something is off with this guy otherwise you wouldn't be blogging about it. Also the fact that you don't want to talk to your friends about it says alot. I say find a man closer to home and single. Put Mr. Tournament on the shelf.

    replyreport
18. 59

    Anielaposted 13 years ago

    Just a quick addition, he may have offered for you to stay with him but he knew you wouldn't. It was a safe offer. My bet is if you said okay, he would come up with an excuse as to why that wouldn't work.
    
    Good luck. I wish you the best.

    replyreport
19. 60

    logic,commonsenseposted 13 years ago

    Everyone's situation is different.  Your gut instinct will tell if something is wrong.
    Sometimes the courage to take a chance pays off.
    Caution at the outset is well advised!
    Good luck and hopefully things will turn out even better than hoped!

    replyreport