Who do I turn to

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  1. SEGREEN profile image57
    SEGREENposted 14 years ago

    Hi.. I have so many issues.. I don't know where to turn, but to God.  I can't tell any and everyone about my life.

    #1--- My mother literally gave me up when I was born.. I met up with her when I was 21 now i'm 43.. and she still treats me like crap.  I had a great job for 20 years.. and got laid off in 2008.. now I'm on my 2nd temp job.. and I'm fine with it.  I earned my Bachelors Degree.. and yet she's not happy... everything with her is about my brother and his 2 kids.   I treat her with respect.. my husband and I make sure she's covered financially and with food we help her as much as we can.  I pay her cell phone bill...and she rarely calls me.. and when she does.. it's always negativity about other people.. I hate gossip..so when I call her it's to see how she's doing..

    #2----Years ago I had a boyfriend... who cheated on me.. and I left him the day I found out.. this was back in 2002. He was overseas on an assignment.. and I found out he was still with his then ex-girlfriend because I dialed her phone whilst I was  talking to him on the other line her phone rang... He quickly hung up when her phone rang.. and when I called again he said his phone fell.. hmmm how fitting..  It happened again several times.. and that's when I said enough was enough of his lies. It was really really tough for me to trust again..  Maybe it wasn't meant to me.. because I suffered a miscarriage during our 5 years courtship.. and he blamed me.. I was hurt for years.. God knows why things happen.  I love children and at my age.. I'm not giving up on having a child.. God knows best.

    #3---- I met my husband in 2006 and it took me about 6 mths before I really started to fall in love with him..  and got married this July.. it seems my mother was at the wedding in body but not in mind.. she was on her cell phone for most of the evening.

    I love my husband.. but there are just some things I just cannot let him know.. I've never told this to anyone.. Many times I think of going to a minister.. but I just can't trust anyone.. He would be furious he he were to know.. This has strained the relationship between my Family.. especially my Father and I.. I've lost all respect for him..

    #4 ---- I was abused or should I say my father took my virginity when I was 19 years old.  I came from a country where I was raised in a wonderful foster home.. I left them and went to live with my maternal grandmother (where I could go to High School) whom I met at age 14.. After my grandparents died I went to live with my father whom I met at age 14.  He always gave me hugs and held me close.. and told me that "this is love"  I'll never forget that August afternoon after I got home from college.. his girlfriend had gone shopping.. I was in my room studying and he came in and started talking to me .. telling me how much he  loves me.  You would think that at 19 I would know better but this was back in the 80s. Before I knew it.. he stared fondling my breast.. then his hand went there.. and before you know it he was on top of me.  When I came to I was burning inside..and I was washing in cold sweat.. and he told me to drink a cup of tea..and he acted as if everything was normal.. After all that.. he would walk and brush up against me in the house.. I always wore pants.. long sleeve shirt just to cover myself up so he wouldn't look at me.. but he was and probably is a conniving man.. I hope he didn't do the same thing to my two younger sisters. :-(

    It's sad to say. .but this is the first time I've talked about it.. I got married in July and I still can't tell my husband. I can't even mention it to my mother who like is a stranger to me.  I don't feel as if I can trust anyone.. Not my parents.. I might have to pay a professional to

    Sometimes I feel it's best if I go and see a psychologist / psychiatrict.. because these are such burdens that are too much for me to bear.. sometimes I would love to reach out to my parents.. I just want a normal parent daughter relationship.. But it's not there.  It's so ironic.... there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about my foster parents who raised me from a baby until I was 14 years old.  My Foster mama died in 2006.. and I miss her everyday.. Her children and grandchildren are dear to my heart and there love.. as well as my in-laws and some Church family are my family..

    My father is back home.. I'm in the US.. and he told me a couple of months ago that he's lost his sight in one eye.  I didn't know him until I was 14 and I don't feel as if I know him..  He took advantage of my naiveness (sp).  It's for that main reason why it took me so long to trust a man.. and to fall in love.. I pray to God that this is love and not lust.. I wasn't looking for someone to support me.. I've been doing so for 22 years.

    Thanks for reading.. Any advise you can give will be greatly appreciated.. I will view all comments as genuine and sincere and are meant to give me advice.  Thanks again..

    1. marinealways24 profile image59
      marinealways24posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I think life is screwed up for everyone or has been in at least 1 way. I think the people that endure the most in life have the option of learning the most. The hard part is learning it all and using everything you been through to your benefit instead of going insane. Then again, maybe we are all insane trying to pretend we are sane.

    2. jmbarnes64 profile image60
      jmbarnes64posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Girl, I could tell you some things but I won't get into it here. The main reason being is that God delivered me from the things that were keeping my mind bound and that is all that I can tell you. I did talk to someone when I was younger, a psychologist and yes it did help just to get it out. But only when I gave my life over to the Lord was I able to fully get over my issues. I used to hear people say that time heals all wounds. That is definitely not true. You just end up with an old wound and if the right person comes along, they can open that wound right back up. I am not as some people would say, a religious person, I just know what God did for me. If he had not then I think that I would have lost it a long time ago. I can't give you advice about what to say to your husband but you know him and there is a reason within you that you feel you can't tell him what you need to share with him. It may be that you don't want to be vunerable with him which is what happened to you when you were taken advantage of, but I don't know for sure. Whatever the reason, please don't forget that this man married you which for sure he loves you. I will be praying for you that God will give you the healing that you need. God has not given us the Spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7.

    3. Blogging Erika profile image67
      Blogging Erikaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      One of my best friends is a practicing psychotherapist.  She is awesome, and kind, and listens without judgment. 

      I think you should definitely look into seeing a therapist.  They can help give you the tools you need to grapple with your past, on the road to being a happier person.

  2. ddsurfsca profile image71
    ddsurfscaposted 14 years ago

    I want you to know that what you went through is a lot more common than you think.  I had a similiar experiance only I was 12 yrs old.  I couldnt tell anyone because I was told that I would be responsible for breaking up our family, and that he would hurt my younger brothers.  All sorts of threats.
       I decided at the age of 22, when I married, that I wasnt going to keep this secret any longer.  I told everyone.  My mother blamed me for "flirting with him", my brothers urinated in hs mailbox everyday for years.  I got in touch with the rape crisis team and they told me several ways to feel better about this, one of which was to make posters, with his picture, address, phone number, what church he attended, etc and I made 10,000 copies and put them all over town for a year.
       I also found a very good therapist, and went to therapy for many years for my family was very very disfunctional.
       After a quarter of a century of talking about it, I have found that more people than not have had either rape/incest or molestation problems in their past.  as a matter of fact, I can only think of about three people that I know now that have not had some sore of problem similiar to ours.
       Stop blaming yourself, and quit the depression over it.  If you cannot forget about it, talk about it.  If you cannot tell your husband yet, talk to someone like me, but do not quit talking about it, it is the only way, plus time, that will heal this wound.  There are other complications that come along with this too, like sexual disfunctions.  Feel free to talk with me at any time.  or email me  my email address is ddsurfsca@netzero.com
       everything will work out, and life will be ok for you .... trust me.  You have one friend right here that does know what you are going through.

    1. Himitsu Shugisha profile image71
      Himitsu Shugishaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Just two days ago, yes on Thanksgiving, I found out that my uncle may have possibly impregnated my 16 year old cousin, his daughter. He is now missing, and my cousin is due to have her baby next month. I cannot even express how disgusted I am by him and any adult that puts a young child in this predicament.
      Ddsurfsca provided some solid feedback, and I empathize with the both of you for having to live through this ordeal. All I can offer is to keep talking about it, the release of any pain through discussion is very therapeutic. And I hope that one day you will be able to share this with your husband; he needs to know and can help you fight through this.

      1. SEGREEN profile image57
        SEGREENposted 14 years agoin reply to this

        ...Sometimes I truly wonder what goes on in ones head.  I feel for your cousin.. his "father" should be castrated..to say the least.. that's how I feel about my father..to this day.  My husband has 2 daughters and he loves them world without end.. and often times we discuss father and daughter relationship.. and I often ask the questions on how close that relationship should be... but I never gave hint of the incest.  I remember when I came to the US my brother a teenager at the time, used to sit on my mother's lap and fondle her breast and she think that was ok and funny.  Looking back now.. I know it's not.  I can't see my nephew doing that to his mother.. she wouldn't all it.  It's a messed up crazy world we live in.. and the more we know that incest / rape / abuse / amongt parent and child is wrong.. the better we can educate children of our own.. or those we are close to. 

        I guess it's pride on my part why I haven't mentioned my issues to anyone.  I'm like/loved by a lot of people, because I live a decent life.. but because of this decency.. I'm suffering inside.
        I've often been told that I'm a nice person.. My parents should be proud of me.. (But how can they be proud of me.. if I'm not proud of myself first.. and love myself first.. ) 

        I didn't meet upon this website by chance.. I was watching a commercial for MajicJack and saw a small add and I clicked on it and here I am..   I've been to other sites.. but my heart wasn't never touch until I came her.

        I thank you again.. be blessed.. Elaine..

        1. Himitsu Shugisha profile image71
          Himitsu Shugishaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          Elaine, I believe everything in life happens for a reason. You needed to come here to get this pain off your chest. You have a new Hub family that's rooting for you!! All the best!!

          1. SEGREEN profile image57
            SEGREENposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            Thanks a million..

            I turned to watching all kind of Sports over the years to hide all this.. But once I met my husband and realized that there is someone for me who loves me no matter wat.. it make me think that I don't have to hide behind the METS, GIANTS.. NASCAR.. etc..  I still watch them... but I spend more time in communication with Him.. God and my In-laws and FRIENDS who dont' know my situation but are there for me no-matter what.

            Tnx again..

    2. Mekenzie profile image76
      Mekenzieposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Bless you dear one for reaching out to this lady and extending not only help but your friendship.

  3. Lisa HW profile image61
    Lisa HWposted 14 years ago

    Your comments make me think you should talk this stuff out with a counselor, whether or not you seek out the guidance of someone in the clery as well.  A good counselor could help you sort out a lot of things.  It's only been three years since you lost the person you seemed closest to, so that probably doesn't help things.

    I'm a mother of an adopted son, so maybe that colors my thoughts on your apparent wish to have the kind of relationship with your parents you'd like to have; but there are some parents with whom children just need to accept that they'll never be the kind of parents the grown child wishes they were.  Some people decide to accept whatever kind of relationship they CAN have.  Some don't want any relationship if it's one that makes them feel bad all the time.  Some vow to have the right kind of relationship with their own children, which can make not having ideal parents not matter so much in a lot of ways.

    In order for a mother to give up her child there are often "issues" (unless the girl is extremely young and told she has no choice, in which case she can develop "issues" as a result of giving up her child).  Either way, it seems obvious your mother is not able to put into the relationship what you hope she would.  Your father is a criminal and a "piece of work".  Do you want to let him take away more from your present life and future than he already has?  The cheating boyfriend is another "piece of work" not worth even thinking about at this point.

    It seems as if you may be focusing on the people who have failed you, rather than those who haven't.  If, by any chance, you're suffering with clinical depression that could make you lean toward negative thinking, which is why I think you should start with a psychologist; and take it from there.  If you think that spiritual guidance might help you could seek that out too.   It doesn't have to be "either/or".  You said, yourself, the burdens are too much for you to deal with alone.  I think you don't have to tell your husband anything much right now.  Just tell him you have some issues that have nothing to do with him, that you're going to seek help/guidance, and that you'll be able to share more with him later.  If it would help you could also just tell him something basic, such as your father mistreated you "but you can't talk about it beyond saying just that".  Your husband would get the idea, which would be a start.

    This is just an out-of-the-blue/know-nothing kind of guess, but maybe you should ask yourself what you may be getting from not trusting people.  For example, by having an "issue" with relationships does it result in kind of making other people work harder to prove their love and alleviate insecurity you may have?  Or, might it give you a sense of control?  Might it keep the state of the relationship always in focus, which could possibly be a way for you to reinforce the knowledge that you do have a relationship?  Sometimes the thing that makes people hang onto old "issues", rather than being able to move on is that they don't recognize that they're getting something they want or need out of having the issue (but what that may not be very obvious to them, which is why a counselor can help sort out that kind of stuff). 

    Sometimes, too, if someone feels mistreated/victimized they need to hear back from "the world" that they were treated poorly.  They don't get that from the victimizer, and it can feel as if nobody who has not "walked around on your shoulder" and seen what has gone on can "have any idea".  So a person feels isolated and burdened.  I think sometimes hanging onto to feeling damaged can be a way for some people to try to let others know that they've been mistreated/victimized.  Maybe most of us know that words are never enough to fully express the wide-ranging impact something bad has had on us.  I think sometimes hanging onto "being damaged" might be a way for people to show the evidence of the mistreatment, which might seem better than nothing.  In other words, it's a kind of "cry for help" - only not from a situation or for real help, but maybe for something like acknowledgment/understanding that what someone did was incredibly difficult to deal with?

    It seems to me if you figure out what you're "getting from" not trusting people, which seems to be your main "issue", that would lead you to the next step in getting to the root of the issues, breaking them down if necessary, and eventually feeling less burdened.

    Just some thoughts from someone who doesn't pretend to know anything but who thought your thread deserved serious thought.  Needless to say, none of these thoughts may apply to you - but, who knows, maybe they'll apply to someone.  smile   Either way, I hope you do seek someone's help.  If you can't pay for a therapist maybe there's a support group (online or offline).

  4. SEGREEN profile image57
    SEGREENposted 14 years ago

    WOW..  You don't know how much your responses mean to me.  After carrying this burden "my father's issues for so long" and not telling or talking to anyone. it's such a relief to at least say something to others who understands and won't pass judgment.
    I truly appreciate your comments and advices I will definate seek counsel.  Thanks a million.

    1. rebekahELLE profile image85
      rebekahELLEposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      sometimes in simply talking about it, you have started the healing process. you feel a sense of relief already because you have taken the burden and shared it with others. Lisa shared some really great advice and I tend to agree that perhaps talking with a professional counselor may benefit you immensely.

      as someone earlier shared, we've all been through something and it can turn around and make you stronger and more understanding when you're able to look at it from a different perspective and move forward.  I wish you the very best. smile

  5. cheaptrick profile image73
    cheaptrickposted 14 years ago

    "Wisdom comes to those who suffer well"(T Lob sang Ram Pa).Do not deny or demean yourself.Do not allow others to patronise you.Find your inner child and Love her as she should have been.I promise you will find your inner peace...

  6. caravalhophoto profile image61
    caravalhophotoposted 14 years ago

    A lot of good advise here...I also have a mother, I call her Charlotte that really could care less about me...I was what I call the replacement child that didn't work. (older sister died of SIDS, father was going to leave...ummm, I'm pregnant) found out in my 20's after a long talk with Dad, that he wasn't ready to fall in love with a little girl again and felt trapped...so he left...that didn't make Charlotte happy.
    She married a very abusive man, my older brother was beat and hospitalized at the age of 5 and went to live with Grams and Pops, a few years later I was blessed to leave, but not after alot of abuse and molestation.

    1st thing you must realize is this happened to you...you can not blame yourself nor should you.  Don't be ashamed, sit down and talk to your husband, he loves you and will probably cry with you.  With his help, with his love...you will get through this. 

    Your mother has here own views, why tell her anything?  If she is anything like Charlotte, she'll probably call you a liar because it is putting her role as a mother a failure. 

    Talk to a therapist...talk to your husband...talk to friends, get it out...mind you, others attitudes wont change...but you will and you are what is important...

    Blessings on this Journey of Growth...smile

  7. SandyMcCollum profile image63
    SandyMcCollumposted 14 years ago

    There's some very good advice here. But, I think you should stop paying your birth mother's way. You pay her food, gas and cell phone that she doesn't even talk to you on.

    I can see that you'd want her approval, finally. But you don't need it hon, you're good without her. You were always good without her.

    I hope you find true peace someday soon. I'll pray for you in the meantime.

    1. profile image0
      EmpressFelicityposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Agreed!  This seems like a recurring theme with dysfunctional parents.  It always seems to be the child who does everything for the parent (like pay their bills) who is in the wrong, while the other siblings (who perhaps don't contribute nearly as much) get all the praise.  WTF is *that* all about?

      I could rant on for hours about dysfunctional parents LOL.  At least my mother tried her best for me, so I consider myself luckier than many.

      1. SEGREEN profile image57
        SEGREENposted 14 years agoin reply to this

        OMG Sandy.. you don't know now much your words.. and encouragement means..  Whew! This burden is being lifted off my shoulder.

        My mom left me when I was about 3mths old.. came to the US when I was under 1 yrs and had my brother 8 yrs later.. He's like God to her.. I came here when I was 21.. and did all I could.. pay my way thru college.. held down a full time rewarding job for 20 yrs until I was laid off.. and was able to find employment after I was let go.. My brother.. went to live with my Uncle & family in Mt Vernon where he could have attended a better High School he cursed our Step-Aunt, kicked her down the stairs, our cousins had to take her to the hospital.. Brother came back home to mother.. (I had my own apartment then) and she blamed everyone and anyone for hating her son.. only when he's being helped by others.  He went to jail twice.. I had to use my rent money one Tuesday before Thanksgiving in 1998 I sat for hours in a police station out in the cold waiting for him to be released.  He has help odd jobs here and there.. got a girl pregnant.. whom my mom adores.. and YET.. I'm the one who she "hates"  I still take care of her.. the Bible says. "honor thy father and thy Mother.. that's why it's hard for me to really confront my father cause I don't want his heart to fail again.. and as for my Mother.. the whole Universe will here that I reject her. 

        But as you all say.. I'm for the better for talking about it.  When she calls me.. she first aske "is he there, don't let him know I'm on the phone. .she's always asking for money.  I'm work a temp job.. no insurance and I have tons of bills.. she has full time job.. age 65 and I told her to retire.. she would be better off than working for nothing.  My gosh.. I could go on and on. But time heal all wounds..  I don't know it took me 25 years to let go of this monster on my back.. but I feel so much better knowing that I'm not the only one.

        Love & Blessings.. Elaine..

        1. profile image0
          EmpressFelicityposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          Thinking about the question some more, I wonder if the reason why your mother idolises your brother is that he's like her (i.e. dysfunctional) and you're not.  The fact that all your life you've tried to lift yourself out of that mindset probably makes her uneasy and even envious of you - although perhaps she doesn't consciously realise it.  I'm not a psychologist and have no expert knowledge or anything, but maybe it's an explanation.

          1. SEGREEN profile image57
            SEGREENposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            I'm grateful for her for allowing me to come to the US.  But if there's some envy on her part  I really don't care.. What ever I'm accomplished 'which isn't much really' it took a lot of hard work.  I remember when I came her.. she said my father told her I wanted to fight him off in his own house.. yea.. from a man who got married to his sweetheart in secret.. 2 mths after I left his home..  He wanted his privacy and didn't know how to say so.. BUT I thank him  for funding my way through High School and Jr college in JA.   I guess I'm one of those child who sticks to the bible.. to honor thy father and mother.. I will just leave them and let them figure out what went wrong with our relationships...

  8. TimTurner profile image69
    TimTurnerposted 14 years ago

    God got you in this mess, right?  You have been asking this "entity" for help all your life and nothing has happened, right?

    Self-help starts with yourself and changing your subconscious way of thinking.  You need to reprogram yourself so you don't think you are a victim.

    I know it's hard and it will take a lot of practice and patience.  But just keeping thinking positive thoughts, set your goals high and believe you can achieve them.

    The power relies in you, not some external "force."

    The Universe is powerful and the Law of Attraction works wonders.  If you think you're a victim, you will keep getting "victim" energy to you.

    Think positive and love yourself and the Universe will provide.

    1. caravalhophoto profile image61
      caravalhophotoposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Not trying to turn this into a religious thing, but being a true believer in God, your statement is wrong and uncalled for...God did not get her into any mess, with that said, I do agree with some of your post.

      If you keep thinking of yourself as a victim, you will always be a victim...

      There is a higher energy, whether it be God, Buddah or just a belief in the power of the Universe...your mind and thoughts will help you change things if you believe and give your worries over...

      1. SEGREEN profile image57
        SEGREENposted 14 years agoin reply to this

        It's true that I need to quit treating myself as a victim.. There are people who are worse off than me.. Some don't know their parents.. were abused.. and are doing quite well.

        I call this my Therapeutic sessions. 

        At church today.. the minister spoke of Hope.. and I have to say that I have Hope that all will be alright.. People turn to the wrong people for advice and end up being a victim of their own selves.. Right here you all tell me what I need to hear.  I am a true believer in God... and without Him nothing in my life would be possible right now.

        On the PLUS SIDE.. I have a great JOB.. even if it's TEMPORARY without benefits. I'm happy there. I work with some of the greatest people.. the Supervisor is great and just let me and my partner do our job.... I often have to pinch myself and ask if this is real.. my workday is completed at 3 pm (hrs 9-5) comparing to a former manager I work with for 9 mths.. it was pure hell.. My friends and my Hubby often tell me to quit that job.. but I couldn't I had bills to pay.. I asked her for a day off on June 24th.. on June 25th.. she called me in the office and told me it was my last day..  I was so relieved and overjoyed..(even though I didn't have a job) I left the office singing praises cause that burden was lifted from my shoulders.. but Unemployment was approved.. and shortly after I found this other TEMP job which was a GOD send to us.. same type of work and responsibilities.. but different sould and environment. So I Thank God for my lucky stars..

        I think since I got married.. found this new Job.. I realized that Good things happen to people.. no matter what they go through.. Tnx again..

  9. Bovine Currency profile image61
    Bovine Currencyposted 14 years ago

    I was not abused as a child but I was married to a woman who was; sexually and physically abused, and her sisters and mother.  Yet somehow she still forgives.  The family denies it all.  Now I am going to say something that might upset you or others and it is not meant that way but is from my personal experience.  Please understand I have suffered greatly also, this was my wife.  She always believed in god, brought up catholic by her parents.  when we married my wife was in her late twenties.  she still loved her family even tho they wouldn't pick up the phone to talk to her.  she was beaten, the whole family and at least her and one sister abused sexually that i know of.  yet she forgives them.  she became an alcoholic, just like her dad.  neither of them could face life but relied on religion and alcohol, denying the horrible facts.  everyones story is different.  that is all I want to say.

    1. caravalhophoto profile image61
      caravalhophotoposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Bovine...being a victim of child abuse and molestation and then married later in life...I have to ask this question, only because it has affected me in life.
      Although I am the one everyone turns to, to help our elders, asked for money for bills and just at everyone's beck n call...when I am in need just for a shoulder to cry on, I suddenly have no family...also, very personal here, but it may help someone...I have a serious problem when it comes to sex...I am almost afraid of it...I know it is going to feel great and once it has started I am good, but the thought of it scares the crap out of me, I find I have headaches just to get out of the act...sad but true, do you find your wife has the same concerns due to her childhood?

      I am no longer married, not because of the lack of sex...just life in general, but he did suffer in silence because of my childhood.

      Just throwing that out there and wondering how this has affected others beside the victim.

      1. Bovine Currency profile image61
        Bovine Currencyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

        I am sure my wife had problems with sex yes but different.  I met my wife at a point in both our lives we werent going all that well.  Her way of coping was to drink and she inevitably I believe hates men and will never trust.  I tried helping her.  I stopped her from continuing work as a prostitute (I was a driver and we took off from there, both not there very long to begin with).  We got married after later on but she was late 20s as I say she was set in her ways.  She previously had a career but her drinking problem got in the way.  Anyhow, the point im getting at i guess is, for my wife, she went a different way, no trust, and using her body was one of the ways she thought she would have power but unfortunately that doesnt help.  She is a very beautiful woman, physically, stunning.  I didn't marry her for her body.  I also found a spiritually beautiful woman but she was also quite broken.  I tried to be strong for her but I wasn't enough, I am a little broken myself(look at my hubs if you want).  In the end, I wished the best for her but she had nowhere to go, we couldnt live together and we split, otherwise her drinking and my lack of patience with that, it would have just ended in more tears.  She is now with family again so I feel lost.  She isnt available for me.  I tried so so hard to be there for her and I too suffered in silence for a long time but I ended up being on the end of violence and when I stood up for myself she accused me of being controlling and changing.  She needed a rock but I needed an available lover.  I dunno.  I dont have the perfect words.  But it is not easy.  I wish you luck.

        One other thing, my wife was very driven to succeed, she had university degrees and work ethic but I think her past wore her down.  For me, I just hope she gets back on track and finds the right path again.  If she wants to forgive her family I don't have a say, and I can understand that she would want to (as an outsider).  I cannot trust her now though, even though I hate to think, maybe one day she would come back?  I dont think so but I still dont know if i can trust her.  Good luck.

        1. caravalhophoto profile image61
          caravalhophotoposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          Thanks Bovine, I was also a premiscuis girl, it wasn't until later in life that my fear took over.  Thank you for your honest and I wish you luck and love also.

  10. spiritactor profile image60
    spiritactorposted 14 years ago


    I send you Light. Not for me, not for anyone one else-- just for the Inner You, your Inner Self. It's without judgment, without fault or blame-- just pure Light.

    As an exercise (if you choose), take your list of negative events (those which represent darkness or destruction to you), put it far aside (outside, if you like) and then make a list of all the things you are blessed with: your heart, your creativity, your mind, your body, your love, ETC. Make specific examples for each. Then, take your negative list; and as you read from your "blessings" list, burn the negative list.

    In this life, in this world, things do not happen "to us" without happening "with us." And you DON"T need to walk with these occurrences any more. They have their path, their designs-- and you have yours. If you feel so inclined, thank certain events for the lesson(s) they have brought you-- pat 'em on the back and send them on their way. They do have their own path to travel-- yours can be to the Light, back to the loving, joyous, pure Self that you came to this world as.

    You are all AND you as the one, the "I."  Find your beloved, Inner Self and give it a loving hug, allowing Joy to radiate back into you. Open yourself to the abundant beauties in this world (a sunset, a sunrise, the ocean, a river). Walk into nature, experience a flower or waving grass-- lean with your back to a gentle-seeming tree and ask it to take your pain. It will. Nature looks to heal us-- let it find you.

    From my personal experience, allow me to share a powerful image I experienced: Seven dolphins, swimming gently in a perfect circle in cyan waters. Each dolphin embodies a present strength-of-being of mine. These "dolphins" work for me and play-- laugh as they bring in Joy, yet can forcefully nudge something un-needed away. They are my spiritual escorts and companions. I've also envisioned those who tried to hurt my creative being as "toy clowns", eyes closed and bobbing back and forth in the dark. That's my sharing from imagination with you.

    I wish for you a bright path and a Joyous journey!

  11. ddsurfsca profile image71
    ddsurfscaposted 14 years ago

    Just from these responses, hopefully you can sense of the numbers of people that share these and other family issues.  So many, as a matter of fact most of these attrocities go untold and unkonwn forever, and the children, after growing and having their own families, because they havent dealt with what happened to them, pass the horrors down to their children.  Maybe not sexually, but beatings, neglects, whatever their consciences will allow them to do.
       Please, all of you, do not stop talking, do not dismiss the possibility of going to therapy.
       It took me 23 yrs of going to therapy every two weeks for two hours each time, and I believe that there are still isssues I have buried and do not even remember correctly if at all.
       I am writing a book about what happened to me as a child, and my doctor said that this would be the ultimate in healing, so I would think that hubs would also be a very good place to let things go, for like I said, we are many in  numbers.
       Do not blame yourself, and know that we who have felt those same shames, understand and do care.

  12. profile image0
    sneakorocksolidposted 14 years ago

    I'm sorry you are having a rough time in can feel like it's crushing you. Tell your doctor he can help. I had to and I've never felt better. On the other hand there's always Nepalese Temple Balls.

  13. profile image0
    lyricsingrayposted 14 years ago

    There is lots of sound advice here for you in this forum however a councilor sounds like your best solution.  For me writing is healing.  Why not write a hub about your feelings?  I have..  A few times.  Very Healing.

  14. SEGREEN profile image57
    SEGREENposted 14 years ago

    Thank You!  Thank You! Thank You all so much!

    Your support really means a lot to me. 

    I will take your advise to heart.. and work on my
    inner soul first.

    One me my mentor at church always tell me that no-one
    can change a person if that person doesn't do it themself.

    I need to start with ME.. Regards

  15. profile image51
    Melboy89posted 14 years ago

    " who do i turn to?"

    Plz talk to your husband, he's the one and the only best friend of your long life journey.

    You dont need to tell him directly about the problem. Just tell him your feelings.

    Tell him that you've been depressed and unhappy for years. If he cares for you, he will ask you why and help you out.

    Plz use the power of love.

  16. profile image0
    Ghost32posted 14 years ago

    Segreen, there are some great posts on here already, but I feel impelled to add one more.

    I wasn't abused as a child, or at least if I was, there's no specific recall--though there is one uncle I used to avoid assiduously, so maybe there's a reason behind that.  However, Pam is my seventh wife.  We're in our 14th year together and very much hooked at the hip.  Of the seven women, four were clearly molested in their early years, Pam probably having had the worst of it.  Her Dad was all over her before she was even old enough to go to school, and it continued at least intermittently until she was 18 and moved out of his home for her senior year in high school.  Her sister committed suicide at age 31, but my Pammie just got stronger and never did hold it against her father. 

    My background includes a 4 year degree in psychology plus time earning my way as a social worker and also as a live-in group home houseparent and counselor for teenagers. 

    That said, I'd like to add a word of caution about counselors.  Pam and I've done all right with a psychologist here and there--two of those she's consulted have actually been of some help.  Only one psychiatrist was worth seeing.  ALL OF THE OTHERS were little or no help at all.  My point:  If you do decide to include an "official" counselor in your self-help program, I'd recommend hanging on to plenty of your inherent reluctance to trust...until your counselor has clearly proven herself (or himself). 

    There ARE some good ones out there, but like in any profession, the 2 percent rule applies.  Two percent are super-people...and it slides downward rather quickly from there.

  17. Dao Hoa profile image60
    Dao Hoaposted 14 years ago

    "That said, I'd like to add a word of caution about counselors.  Pam and I've done all right with a psychologist here and there--two of those she's consulted have actually been of some help.  Only one psychiatrist was worth seeing.  ALL OF THE OTHERS were little or no help at all.  My point:  If you do decide to include an "official" counselor in your self-help program, I'd recommend hanging on to plenty of your inherent reluctance to trust...until your counselor has clearly proven herself (or himself). 

    There ARE some good ones out there, but like in any profession, the 2 percent rule applies.  Two percent are super-people...and it slides downward rather quickly from there."

    I agree with Ghost32. I went to the counelors twice and I found that they were no help to me. If you think the counselor is not helping, you should find yourself a new one. Do not waste time and money with her/him.


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