Talking without Attacking?

1. 51

   Wifey13posted 14 years ago

   I am a newlywed and there are several issues I need to address with my new husband before we end up unhappily married.  We do have great communication and we enjoy spending time together.  So much so, I feel like when I speak to him about the issues, I may feel like I am attacking him.  I feel like he needs to know how I feel before I explode but how can I tell him these things without being too much? I'm having conversations with myself in my mind hoping I'll feel better.  Not working, help me before I really go crazy!

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2. 74

   Mighty Momposted 14 years ago

   Avoid phrasing your points leading with the word "YOU." Because that immediately puts him on the defensive and does feel like an attack.
   Try using instead, "When you [x] it makes me feel [y]."
   Hard to do but effective.
   Good luck! MM

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3. 60

   Libra Rajaniposted 14 years ago

   I think Mighty Mom had very good advice. You should also consider that when you're having a discussion with your husband it is not a competition. You are simply trying to get your point across, but it is not about winning and losing. In other words, don't try and rack up points by getting in the best digg. I know it can be difficult, but try and think about what you are going to say before you say it.
   The ones we love remember the hurtful things we say and it can never be erased.
   I hope this helped.

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4. 72

   Victoria Stephensposted 14 years ago

   I read in a book that it's a good idea to change certain words you use.  eg men apparently feel like your tell them what to do when you say "could you do..." that but don't see it as much as intimidating if you say 'would you do ...". 
   
   When you ask if they can do something, men take it as 'yes they can do it but you haven't actually asked them to do it, you've merely asked if they are capable of doing it, so again you have to say “would you”
   
   I have to admit some of this stuff works wonders on my partner but it might not work so well on every one  I think the book was called "woman are from venus, men are from mars".

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5. 62

   parducposted 14 years ago

   All the above comments are great! In my experience it really helps to ask open questions and avoid generalization, like: you always...., you never..... Very difficult to remain cool when you are a hot-headed person (like me)but it is worth to try. Also, avoid pouncing upon old matters, don't use his previous real or presumed faults as a weapon in an argument. I hope it helps, I wish you all the best, God bless you both with serenity and wisdom to resolve your differences.
   Liv

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6. 60

   SpanStarposted 14 years ago

   There is an art to conversation and if some people aren't to knowing all that it takes to converse with each other it would help to bring in a mature third party who have some skills in the area of communication.

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