Affairs

1. 57

   lost bearposted 14 years ago

   Hello. I am a little lost at the moment. I am married, 40, with 2 kids (Had a 3rd who died after 7 months). I believe that I love my wife but am not In Love with my wife. That I love my kids very much and stay together with my wife because of them. My parents were divorced when I was 9 and I remember what it did to me then. Still emotionally scarred to this day. But think in the back of my mind that kids are not stupid and that they will pick up on this in due time and realize that things are wrong with thier parents relationship. So is it better to stay married unhappily for the kids sake or to break thier hearts now? Seems to me staying together is best for the kids development. But not by much.
   
   Then there is the selfish aspect of me. I want to be happy. Not sad or miserable. This is not about sex either. It's the one part of our relationship where I feel it is better now that it ever was. But for reasons, some her and some me, I am not happy and wish, kids aside, we were not married.
   
   SO this brings me to the Affairs issue. I found someone on the Strictly Platonic section of craigslist. We have not had sex. They are married too and in a similiar situation in that they do not want to leave thier husband because of the kids. But I feel a real connection to this person and know that in due time our relationship could change, become more complicated, endanger relationships that we have. So why would I bother with it? Because it feels like love. More than love, she feels like my soulmate. But I am contractually bounded to another (marriage). 
   
   I guess the right answer is let go of the affair before it ever really starts. But sometimes I think that finding a little happiness on the side that allows me to stay with my kids is not entirely a bad thing. Plus if it is real...
   
   I don't know... I knew that I might be putting myself in a bad position when I answered the ad. Or that I might be jump starting the moving forward with my life phase.
   
   I guess I am lost and confused.
   
   Feel free to begin the bashing

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   1. 87

      Marisa Wrightposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Have you actually met this person, or only corresponded online?  It's very, very easy to ascribe all kinds of qualities to someone if you're not meeting face to face, especially if you have a desperate need for love (as you do right now). 
      
      I'm with everyone else - if you're unhappy in your marriage, leave, but do NOT jump straight into another relationship.  Certainly not with this other person - what if she abandons her marriage too,and it turns out to be a mistake?
      
      Have the balls to live on your own and sort yourself out first, before you embark on another relationship.

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   2. 61

      lady_love158posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      If you have feelings for this other person, then you have already left your wife. Either go to counseling and fix what's wrong with your marriage or move on so that your wife may find happiness too. The kids will be better off as long as you maintain a good rekatioship with them and put their needs first. Good luck.

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2. 66

   Greek Oneposted 14 years ago

   why bother bashing you when the wife will do that in divorce court just before she walks away with your money?

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   1. 73

      frogdroppingposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Somedays Greek you're sharper than a Samurai Sword
      
      To the OP - I reckon you're here for a magic answer. There aren't any. You know where you're at and have a good idea that you're going to end at Destination No Place Good anytime soon.
      
      Bite the bullet and address the issues within your marriage. Kids - they get affected by becoming weapons, not because their parents divorce. Whilst I'm aware it will have an initial effect on children - sensible, loving parents with a common goal (that being to avoid upsetting the children as much as possible) will find their children soon adapt if allowed to do so naturally.
      
      You won't break your kids hearts quite like you think. You will create a feeling of uncertainty. Help them to adjust and accept - don't mentally use them as a barrier. That's not fair on them or your relationship.
      
      Get things straightened out within your home and marriage - don't muddy the waters with something that will only add to the (long term) fall out.
      
      I wish you the best. Been there etc.

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      1. 73

         tritrainposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         I completely agree with the frog.
         
         Don't go outside your marriage.  Resolve your marriage issues, maybe through counseling, a getaway, or whatever. 
         
         Take the high road.  Don't teach your kids a bad lesson.

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      2. 57

         lost bearposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         I really wasn't looking for a magic answer. I just  have absolutely nobody to talk to about this. Your all right. I know I am in the wrong. I have met this person 5 times now. It's not just a online intellectual thing.
         
         I know I do not want to leave my kids. And they are a package deal with the wife. If I think my life is bad now wait until the Sh*t would hit the fan if I ever got caught. Because even though we are not having sex I still see this as more than friends... an affair of sorts.
         
         So I go on being unhappy? She refuses to go to marriage counciling with me. I have tried many times and even went by myself a few time in hopes that she would start. Didn't happen. She also has a real bad temper that I really never quite saw are ignored until we were started having kids. I am the opposite. Kind, easy going, spent most of my life trying to be temper free and drama free (not doing too good now on the drama part).
         
         So if I can't get my wife to change... and I don't want to leave my kids... then what else is left? Especially when now I have met someone I wish I could explore further.

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         1. 73

            frogdroppingposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            I wouldn't actually label you as being in the wrong. Fact is it takes two to make a marriage.
            
            
            
            So you're between the devil and the deep blue sea. Suck it up, carry on for the kids and you're as happy as a man burning in a sea of misery and no one to put the fire out. Pay attention though - kids aren't stupid. The older they get the more they notice what you're trying to hide.
            
            
            
            From what you're saying (and that's what I'm going on) - your wife refuses to participate. Either she doesn't view your marriage the same way or she's avoiding dealing with it.
            
            
            
            What's left is an unhappy marriage. Simple.
            
            Three choices - continue with your marriage, end the relationship before it goes further, unhappy.
            
            Continue with your marriage, maintain the relationship, some happy - eventually pay dirt.
            
            Aknowledge it is what it is and start planning for a future without your wife. That doesn't have to exclude your children.

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3. 66

   Greek Oneposted 14 years ago

   yeah.. listen to what the frog said

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   1. 73

      frogdroppingposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      That made me

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4. 60

   Moderndayslaveposted 14 years ago

   The grass is always greener on the other side,,,,and just remember she wont only take your money in a divorce,she'll take your dreams too.

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   1. 73

      frogdroppingposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Are all women viewed this way in the aftermath of a marriage breakdown?
      
      I ask because I haven't taken a damn thing from my ex. He has everything - the house, money, business - you name it. Some have called me stupid - real stupid - but I wanted out. The 'stuff' meant nothing.
      
      My self respect, my three children and future happiness meant everything.

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      1. 66

         Greek Oneposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         no.. not always only during the aftermath

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      2. 73

         tritrainposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         You should feel good about yourself.  I would not call you stupid for doing what was probably the right thing.

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      3. 60

         Moderndayslaveposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Frogdropping, I cant say its all women, my current wife did like you. She ran from everything to get out of her first marriage.Having children which is a whole nother ball game.I'm over 150 k in support in10 years and that doesn't count Dr.bills, day camp,  baybysitters or class trips. I am a bricklayer.I'm glad my 2 boy's have grown up in nice surroundings,but what I have had to do to put them there is nothing short of financial slavery,and people moan about taxes.My ex wife and her new husband,then boyfriend have prospered or ridden the children's coattails ,it depends how you look at it.At least with taxes you don,t have to pay if you don,t make it.Child support goes like the national debt clock,it keeps going no matter what.I have joked that I am the Cal Ripken of masonry because I don't get paid if I don't work.There are only 2 ways out, your child hits 21 or you eat a bullet.This money is a major fact  a woman considers before she even contacts a lawyer about divorce and most likely the first thing out of her friends mouth when this is discussed.The state of NY calculates your child support before taxes and you pay after.For me the state says it's 25% before taxes but that equals 33% after.Nothing like that governmental fuzzy math.So let's add this up.Roughly 33% for federal and state taxes,33% for support,that leaves me 34% to support myself.Before someone starts to rip on me,my ex and her husband have 2 new cars in the driveway and a new 325k house. Not bad for a rookie cop and a secretary.

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5. 61

   A la carteposted 14 years ago

   Am totally into affairs..just do not want to be caught...which I am sure is the same of most....if you do not want to be caught then don't do it....but hey...you might miss out on some awesome relationships.

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   1. 72

      WryLiltposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      LoL

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      1. 61

         A la carteposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         

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6. 60

   AskAshlie3433posted 14 years ago

   At one time or another, you did love your wife and I am sure that deep down inside, you still do. It always helps to talk. My friend, you need to tell her how you feel. This could change her whole perspective of actions and feelings toward you. She deserves that at the least. If you all talk and come to an conclussion, then move on. But remember, lust is envy. You may feel love toward another because of the way you feel right now. It is not always greener on the other side. It's hard to lose that friend, that part of your life. You have the kids as well to think about. Be careful with your choices. I encourage you to talk though. Even if you decide to leave, it will work out better for you this way. Time changes us all, even our feelings toward a loved one or partner. I wish you the best.

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