Have you ever found yourself wanting to leave your partner of 20 yrs?

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   lorlie6posted 13 years ago

   Oh boy...that's all I can say at the moment-have you ever felt the same sort of thing? 

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      klarawieckposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I don't think many people here have had the same partner for 20 years. I'm sorry lorlie! It will pass...

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      Aficionadaposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Oh my...   [33 years here...]
      
      This reminds me of one of those humorous chain e-mails that went around a few years ago - it said something about how "all of us" (women of a certain age) were "tired of our husbands"!  It was implying "All of us have been through this...."
      
      It was meant as humor, but humor does often have an underlying ring of truth.
      
      I think it would really be hard not to occasionally be tired of or fed up with someone we've been with for a long time. Even when we are committed to them, and even when we do love them.
      
      I think the real question is why exactly someone wants to leave.  Some reasons have more weight than others.  Some are just passing problems that can be overcome.  But I think all of the reasons are worth evaluating and analyzing.

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      gramaryeposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Yes, quite often. When it gets really bad, I go and look at open inspection houses but never quite get the nerve to go through with it.

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      Hollie Thomasposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Yes, I did and never looked back!

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      Stevennix2001posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Well I honestly don't know how that must feel like, as I think the longest romantic relationship that I've had only lasted like maybe two months if that; unless you want to count online relationships.  And even those only lasted for like barely over a year on average.  Therefore, I can't say that I know what you're going through.
      
      However, i do apologize that you feel this way.  Have you tried talking to him about this to see how he feels?  I know a lot of times whenever relationships don't work out, it's often because there's a lack of communication between both parties.  Therefore, if you really think that you want to leave your lover after 20 years, then I think it's probably best if you try to talk things out with him first.  After all, not every relationship is going to be perfect, as I'm sure a lot of folks can attest to having their relationships become strained from time to time.    However, some will often work through it.  The point is, I think it's probably best if you talk to your husband/boyfriend about this before jumping to any conclusions, as we all tend to allow our emotions to get the best of us sometimes; even a certain mr. logical person that posts on here all the time can become a victim of that too.
      
      Anyways, I hope that helps, and I hope for your sake that things work out for you.

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      Freegoldmanposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      No not yet....nd i wnt ever thats fr sure.

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   SomewayOuttaHereposted 13 years ago

   ..that's a tough question...it is so complicated when people have been together for a long time...so much history, family ties and lives intertwined - how do you untangle it all and be at peace or find peace...just some random thoughts of mine

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   Mighty Momposted 13 years ago

   I never got to 20 years (but hope to this time).
   Leaving always seems like a good idea -- until you think it through to its logical conclusion.
   What's the payoff on the other end?
   What do you get and what do you lose?
   And how much will it cost to get there? A very real consideration!
   
   Agree with Aficionada. This too shall pass.
   Good luck, Lorlie! MM

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      Aficionadaposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Here's hoping!
      
      
      Really good points to consider!  In some situations it could be out of the frying pan and into the fire.  It depends.
      
      Thanks!
      
      
      That was from klarawieck .
      
      Agree with that, for sure!

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   Ron Montgomeryposted 13 years ago

   Can't say that I have.  Rosie's always been there for me.  It's like she's actually physically attached to me or something...

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      Jim Hunterposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      What's Rosies sisters name?

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   brimancandyposted 13 years ago

   I have been with my partner for 20 years, and yes, I wish I would have had the courage to leave him years ago. I meet all kinds of interesting men, including one that I wanted to get serious with, but, I held on to the belief that the relationship with my partner would get better. Now we are more like family, then partners. I'm more concerned about his health than anything.
   
   We are in the process of getting kicked out of our apartment in 10 days, so now, we kind of need each other more than ever. I think it would probably be best if we went our separate ways, but, with all this going on. It may have to wait. But, that doesn't mean it is going to happen. I do care about him. A lot.
   
   We just no longer have a physical relationship.

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   cindi hposted 13 years ago

   I've been with the love of my life for 28 years and yes, there have been times I dreamed of leaving, but for me it was more a desire to escape our problems than it was to leave HIM. Sometimes I just want to run away from it all, but realistically I know that I'm better with him than without him. He is my rock!

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      Lisa HWposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I think it may harder for people who ARE that rock for someone else, and that someone else keeps chipping away and chipping away at that rock.    When the "rock" is married to someone who isn't out to chip away not stop, year after year - all is fine.  It's when a "rock" is married to a "chipper" that sometimes the "rock" know that s/he doesn't get away there'll be nothing left of him/her. 
      
      (I'm not AT ALL suggesting you're a "chipper" .)  Just saying that there are people who are.  A person would have to live with a "chipper-awayer" to have a shred of an idea of how bad it can be for the one who's always been the "rock".  If a person is married to a "chipper" there's also the good chance that he'll chip harder and harder, and eventually get out the sledge hammers and the jack hammers.  Rocks in that situation need to get out before there's nothing left of them.
      
      Most sobering (that I've discovered myself) is that sometimes someone is not a "chipper" unless/until serious problems hit the marriage from outside, or from "larger life" - and all of a sudden everyone's fundamental nature kicks in (when it otherwise would have remained hidden).  Some people discover they're rocks after all.  Some fall apart.  Some (the chippers) don't know how to survive without reducing the nearest rock to rubble.   
      
      
      
      (lorlie, hope it was just a bad day a couple of days ago and has since passed.  From what I've heard, lots of people have those times.)

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         cindi hposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         Not a 'chipper" Actually we are both rocks who take turns gathering the moss:)

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            TamCorposted 13 years agoin reply to this

            So are we...thanks for thinking of that apt description...

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               Lisa HWposted 13 years agoin reply to this

               Nice.    Two rocks is what it takes.     It's too bad it's not always easy to tell, before one gets married, who will turn out to be a rock and who will turn out not to be.   

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   WriteAngledposted 13 years ago

   I lasted 13 years with number one and ten with number two before I left.
   
   I am far, far happier being on my own now!
   
   I think it depends on how important freedom is to you. I've found it is more important to me than all the things I thought I needed from a relationship.

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      Cameron D. Briggsposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Well can I ask you a question?

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   recommend1posted 13 years ago

   I 'did the right thing' and suffered until my kids left home - then escaped from over 30 years of misery.  I hope this time around goes 20 years as I will be over 80 by then
   
   But for Lorlie, the devastation of normal life is not worth it 'after a certain age' - try sticking it to him instead ?!

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   TamCorposted 13 years ago

   My husband and I have been married for almost 23 years, and not once have we ever considered something like that...we've been very happy together, and feel very blessed.
   
   But...my mom left my dad after 27 years of marriage, two kids and three grand kids.  She thought it was the right thing to do, even though my dad was nothing but good to her--she said she just didn't love him anymore.
   
   Well, it didn't take her long to realize that she'd made a bad decision, and, 26 years later, she still regrets it. It's way too late now...my dad's been remarried for over 20 years now, and she's been married again(not happily) and is now widowed, but realizes that the "one good guy" for her was my dad.
   
   That's my convoluted way of saying please think very long and hard before doing something like leaving. For some it's the best thing to ever happen, I know.   But for others, like my mom, it lead to a lifetime of regrets...

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      joyfuldesignsposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      My 28 year marriage just ended this year, I'm still trying to land on my feet.  There can be a real fragility in long term relationships that just isn't talked about much.  I'm sorry you are going through it.  I feel for you.

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         TamCorposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         
         
         joyfuldesigns--I don't know if that last statement was for me or the OP, but if it was directed at me, then I wanted to say that it's not me, it's my mom whose had the major regrets...but thank you for what you said.
         
         And good luck to you--I watched my father struggle through adjusting to divorce, and it was awful.  I hope that everything works out well for you.

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    Disturbiaposted 13 years ago

    I have found myself wanting to leave a partner after 20 minutes, I can't even imagine 20 years.  I don't believe in forever. Releationships like anything else in this world have a self-life, once they have expired, what's the point in keeping them around?  Trust what you're feeling.  If it's time to go, then it's time to go, doesn't matter how long it's been.

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       TamCorposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       
       
       I have to respectfully disagree about your statement that relationships have a shelf-life.  Some, yes, but not all. Mine is stronger than it's ever been, after more than 20 years--probably because our life is constantly changing.  When we get bogged down by circumstances, we change them--even if it's in a small way.
       
       We talk about everything--nothing is off-limits when you love each other.   If we ever had a problem, the last thing either one of us would want to do is throw away the past 23 years. We would work the problem out, no matter how long it took.
       
       lorlie--Obviously, it takes both of you to be willing to do it--it can't be one-sided.  But do some serious soul-searching before you make your decision, please. 
       
       I think you owe it to yourself and your husband to at least give it some time before you make such a drastic choice. 
       
       Like I said in my first post earlier...my mom made a hasty decision, and has spent many many years regretting it...

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          Rochelle Frankposted 13 years agoin reply to this

          You have it figured out, and these thoughts need to be spread around.
          Write an new hub-- it doesn't have to be personal, just a reinforcement of your ideas here.

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             TamCorposted 13 years agoin reply to this

             
             
             Thank you, Rochelle.
             
             Between the two of us, Tom and I have written several hubs about our lives together, but I don't think we've ever covered this particular subject--thanks for the idea!

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    wychicposted 13 years ago

    It's a very individual thing, and if there's something truly making you unhappy that leaving him might remedy, then there might be some grounds for it.
    
    I haven't made it to 20 years yet, but there have been times when I've been restless and felt like leaving. Now I know myself well enough to realize that I really don't like stagnation, and it's not leaving that I want so much as change. Obviously changing partner status is one of the biggest changes that can happen to your life, but thankfully in the past I've been able to pinpoint the real cause of my dissatisfaction.
    
    It seems like about every three years, I have to see some tangible step toward my major life goals or I get very depressed, irritable, and unhappy with just about everything in the world -- which often gets focused on my husband. In fact, just a few months ago I went through another one of those periods, and the poor guy didn't do anything wrong. The real source of my problem at that point was that we were a family of four living in a 2-bedroom house, we've tried and failed for a couple of years to save money to buy a small acreage out of town, and I could barely find a place to myself to focus on my work much less really inspire myself to make big changes on that front. We finally found a house that's a better fit for the family until we can buy a place, and voila, the dissatisfaction on the relationship front has dissipated, even though very little has actually changed there.
    
    I'm not saying that every issue in a relationship is just a matter of misplaced discontent, but if your partner hasn't done anything that you can specifically point to that's causing the problem, then there just might be something else behind it.

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    nell79posted 13 years ago

    I haven't made it to 20 yet, but I've been with my husband for 16 years (15 married) and we're still going strong. I love him more than anyone/anything and couldn't imagine life without him, but I'd be lying if I said there weren't those bad days, too. But there are more good than bad by far. So long as we keep talking to each other, we can get through anything. He's my best friend. I've been with him for literally half my life!
    
    Anyway, it depends on the reasons why you're thinking you're done. If it's because of abuse, lies, infidelity....you get the picture, then those are dealbreakers and good reasons to move on. But if it's just that you're having a rough patch and a hard time communicating, or you've "lost that loving feeling" then I'd say you should see if you can work it out. You can get the love back. Relationships take work. If you neglect them, they whither. But if you nourish them mentally and physically, then they will flourish and grow. I've seen it first hand.
    
    I don't know if that helps, but I wish you luck!

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    Greek Oneposted 13 years ago

    If the grass looks greener on the other side, it's probably just because it firmly planted in manure

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       cindi hposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       I've been waiting for you to show up Greek!!

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       nell79posted 13 years agoin reply to this

       I love it! hahaha

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    TLMinutposted 13 years ago

    I just read a quote today by a woman who had been married 30+ years. When asked how they lasted so long, she said they had made sure only one of them "fell out of love" at a time so there was always one of them fighting for the relationship.

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       TamCorposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       
       
       This is perfect!

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          SomewayOuttaHereposted 13 years agoin reply to this

          i like that quote too...it's a good one!

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    pariesposted 13 years ago

    Oh my!  I dont want that feeling came into me whenever we reach 20 or 30 years of being married..We are too far beyond..But I got sad when I've read your post..I can't advise you or comfort because i've never been in that situation..yet, just think of your children i guess, they are the ones that will suffer the most..

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    Pixel-Alchemistposted 13 years ago

    I've been in my relationship for seventeen years now. we have had moments and we have been through rough times together. Its easy to think after so long that you know everything about the other person, or know how they will react. Two things I think hold a relationship together one is communication, letting the other person know how you feel ( even if at times its the hardest thing to do, and you may not even know fully the reason for how you feel)The other is recalling why you fell in love with them in the first place. And as already stated by a number of people in different ways the real question is are you in a healthy relationship ? you have to ask yourself are the things that are making you unhappy insurmountable. Something to  give you some grounds to think through before you make a decision you may not be able to undo. Hope it is of help

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    lorlie6posted 13 years ago

    All of you are amazing! I'm unfortunately in a cafe renting a computer-mine's on the fritz and in the shop-so I can't take the time to respond until my machine gets out of the hospital.
    See you (hopefully) soon!

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    Aficionadaposted 13 years ago

    Hugs, lorlie6!!  We all hope you get things worked out for the best!  Hang in there.

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    kat11posted 13 years ago

    My spouse and I have been married going on 26 years. Then we were dating three years off and on before that. So we have been together for 29 years. Yes I believe that everyone might want to get away  or leave. Marriage and relationships have a lot of give and take and compromising. But with the way our society is on the go  all the time we don't want to take time to work things out. Sometimes the best  way is to leave. However I believe that we all need to reevaluate and learn to be patient is always good. Hang in there

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    RedElfposted 13 years ago

    I never got to 20 years either - the first one, the "let no man put asunder" one, lasted for 9 years (I finally ran for my life). At about the 8 year mark, I was seriously evaluating my options, but not because there was greener grass - just checking escape routes
    
    Made it to 11 years the second time - thought that one was forever, too, but 'twas not to be. Partner found someone else they wanted more than they wanted me.
    
    Ah, well
    No one to worry about right now

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    saddlerider1posted 13 years ago

    I left my first after 4 years and my second after 18, turned out I was not the marrying kind, certainly not to those two. Time has gone by sufficiently to allow me reflection and I say Nada to marriage but not to dating. Single I am and single I will stay. Hugs to you girl, where have you been hiding, wink.

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    lorlie6posted 13 years ago

    Since I've no idea how to respond to each and every one of you glorious folks, I'll take on saddlerider 1-now, sir, was that some sort of come on to get a third wife?  Hehe.  *Wink* right back at ya, too!  And by the way, if you're wondering where I've been, you haven't been lookin' very hard. Teehee-flirt-flirt.  You'd be one gorgeous, talented catch, that's for sure.
    Now back to our local t.v. station:
    Well, it seems my hubby and I've figured out it's our 23 year old son whose causing much of the mayhem around here, and we're taking it out on each other.  At least that's how it seems.  We had one of those horrid 'family talks' and though it got ugly, it was productive. 
    More later...

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       Aficionadaposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       Keep us posted, girl, we're pulling for you to get things worked out for the best for every one of you!!!
       
       Oh, I can so relate to the adult-child-at-home issue!  I absolutely adore my kids, each one of them.  But during the times when any of them have come back to the nest (for weeks or longer), even for quite understandable reasons, it put a real strain on all of us (including them, I think). 
       
       -- Well, I re-read your post and you didn't actually say that he's living at home, did you?  But even so, it's very true that we relate differently to them and they to us, when they are adults still on the youngish side.  So often they want the privileges of adulthood and the freedom of childhood.
       
       Still pulling for you!!

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    lorlie6posted 13 years ago

    Aficionada and everybody-he and his 'fiance' don't live in this home, but they do live less than a mile from here and visit every day.  To do laundry, etc.  We are so sick of this, fighting with each other seems inevitable.
    Oh, and I forgot-I think-to mention that I babysit their 11 month old son daily-gratis-since they-mostly my son-needs his 'relaxation time' on his days off.  Do I sound somewhat bitter??   I mean I'm going to be 55 in 2 months!  I get tired sometimes, too.
    I love that baby so much I feel my heart will break, but am concerned at his attachment to me and his Grandpa.

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       sofsposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       Laurie things do seem bad at the time you are going through it all .The decision to leave is the easiest.. working through issues may sound difficult but may be really worth it all.. ((((((((hugs )))))))))))) keep a cool head and take care

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       cindi hposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       Lorlie- I don't mean to sound cold-hearted but it seems to me you are allowing yourself to get taken advantage of. You need to set some boundaries with your son. Parents biggest mistake with their kids is trying to make everything so easy for them, that's a mother's instinct. But they, like us and every generation before, need to learn how to get through the crises in our lives. They need to learn how to stand on their own and deal with the situations life hands them. After all, someday you won't be there for them and then what will he do? We can help guide them and give them advice but ultimately, they have to do it for themselves.

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          lorlie6posted 13 years agoin reply to this

          cindi h-cold hearted you are not!  I think you summed it up beautifully and sensitively.
          Thank you.

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    lorlie6posted 13 years ago

    Oh, and I forgot to mention that last week I kicked him out of our house because of his nasty attitude and he proceeded to punch my locked front door, resulting in his first ever broken bones.  Three critical bones-the little ones-were fractured so badly he may-probably-need surgery.
    I have no idea how to feel.

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       cindi hposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       Oh I am so sorry to hear that! Problems with children are the most heart-breaking experience I think we can go through. My children were all raised in a very supportive, loving way , tempered with firm expectations. Still, my son (now 21) had temper issues. I really think it was more a case of fear due to low self confidence. The world is a scary place and at that age they are expected (by society) to magically transform into an adult. The responsibilities can be overwhelming.  The best thing for my son was when he joined the Air Force. He left for basic & tech school a frightened little boy and came back a strong confident man.  I'm not so much a fan of 'therapists', as I believe no one knows your kids better than you . Are you able to have productive conversations with him? Does he take your advice, criticism and opinions to heart, or does he negate everything you say?  How is his relationship with his fiance? His child? Does he have a stable job?  Lack in all or any one of these areas may be causing him stress and the level of frustration of not being in control coupled with a certain immaturity often leads to emotional outbursts.
       I know, that as a parent, I could never 'wash my hands' of them. I'll never be done until the day I die. BUT they have to know that I can't fix things anymore for them. I can be there to help and to offer advice and support, but it is they who are responsible for their choices and actions. That is the most difficult aspect of parenting, letting and watching your child make mistakes.  I wish you well and will say a prayer for you and your family!!!

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          lorlie6posted 13 years agoin reply to this

          cindy h-wow, how alike we think.  My hubby and I were considering the military for our son, but he wouldn't hear of it.  We also raised him firmly yet lovingly, but the guy was simply too hard-headed, I suppose.  He is also extremely self-conscious and suffers from self-esteem issues, I worry about him, and always will.
          Productive conversations?  Not really, because he 'knows it all.'  He has taken on far, far too much at his young age, in my opinion, but he drives himself batty trying to handle it all.  Underneath it all, he has a very soft heart and is extremely sensitive, which is another thing I worry about.
          As you said so wisely, parenthood!!!!!!

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             recommend1posted 13 years agoin reply to this

             He sounds very much like my son - I don't have close up issues like you as I live on the other side of the world.  My son is 30 odd and dyslexic and I believe mildly autistic in that his relationships are normally strained and often intense.
             
             It is tempting to say that he is just like his mother (which he is to some degree) which makes me think it is an inherited thing, maybe some kind of mild autism, as he is more like my wife's father than any of the current 'us'.

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                lorlie6posted 13 years agoin reply to this

                You know, recommend1, I feel my kid is alot like me!  I tend to live in my head-if you know what I mean!  I worry too much, but have the advantage of almost 55 years of experience.  Well, that doesn't mean I don't worry any more, but time does temper the intensity of it all.
                An aunt who essentially raised me was a weeper extraordinaire and an extreme worrier.  So perhaps it has LOTS to do with family!

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                klarawieckposted 13 years agoin reply to this

                Man...
                
                                    ...always blaming the woman!

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             cindi hposted 13 years agoin reply to this

             Lorlie  Believe me, just keep saying the words. He may not acknowledge them but they do sink in and when they are not with you, your words are in their heads.  My son too is a 'know-it-all' type, I try not to deny anything he says yet at the same time I dole out my 'knowledge'. There is nothing as gratifying as hearing him admit that I was right, and when he does, I do not gloat. I tell him that I am NOT always right but with experience comes wisdom and he too can achieve that if he keeps an open mind about things. He is coming along quite nicely and I have every hope that you too will see good things from your son. He sounds very similar to mine what with the hard shell and the mushy sensitive center!!

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                lorlie6posted 13 years agoin reply to this

                Okay, I will keep saying the words.  And I will not gloat!
                
                To you, Mama, I say 'Amen, Amen, Amen!!!'
                
                

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    ahorsebackposted 13 years ago

    Lorlie , I went twenty years awhile ago before divorcing  and I figure one or fifty : what is it worth if you feel left out of each others heart and soul!  I have seen fifty year marriages that were not worth one year .  I can tell in one look if the love is there or not. All the staying power of many is just  the easy way out too ! Not all , but some . ....none of my beeswax , but somebody needs a little "Tough Love"......A woman hangs onto 'all' for what ......the challenge. You good women are so strong!.........But thats just my oppinion!......:-} Good luck and don't be a stranger!

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    kmackey32posted 13 years ago

    Ive never been with someone for that long. I divorced after 3 years...

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