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should i leave a man who is addicted to porn?

  1. poeticmentor profile image77
    poeticmentorposted 5 years ago

    At what point is it ok to REMAIN in a relationship where one is addicted to porn sites. It is getting a bit much.  I am not an insecure person by any means, yet I can't help to think that this can't be healthy for our long term romance. Please advise me. I have never had to deal with someone who loves porn. Is it just me or should I be concerned? Ladies be honest would you leave? or Let it rock? wink
    http://s3.hubimg.com/u/5929750.jpg

    1. Stacie L profile image90
      Stacie Lposted 5 years agoin reply to this

      If he is addicted, I'm assuming it takes up all his free time and he's not giving you much attention. If that's the case,then you may need to use tough love and leave.
      Good luck.

    2. couturepopcafe profile image61
      couturepopcafeposted 5 years agoin reply to this

      Agree.  If it's a true addiction, talk first with true unemotional thoughts.  If he is not willing to stop or seek help in stopping and you're not cool with it, leave.  Don't play the helpless female.  That is so 16th century.  Love is everywhere.  If he doesn't have it for you, someone else will.  People who are addicted to porn haven't learned to connect with themselves. (ok poor choice of words).

      1. A Thousand Words profile image79
        A Thousand Wordsposted 5 years agoin reply to this

        LoL

      2. passthejelly profile image79
        passthejellyposted 4 years agoin reply to this

        hahahahaha

      3. techniche profile image65
        technicheposted 4 years agoin reply to this

        Lol ...

    3. profile image0
      V Qisyaposted 5 years agoin reply to this

      Sounds like PORN ADDICT to me. Well, both of you need to sit down and talk...I mean real good talk. If he's unwilling to change for better, then LEAVE HIM.
      After all, he's not the only MAN alive. Love yourself. Make the right choice. You'll find someone who's gonna love you more than PORN itself. Take care.

    4. nightwork4 profile image60
      nightwork4posted 5 years agoin reply to this

      did he watch porn a lot when you met him? if he did, then you new what you were getting into so really why are you now trying to change him. if he didn't watch a lot of porn, sit him down and give him a choice between you and porn. i don't believe in porn addiction but i do believe that some people want a fantasy world that they are too foolish to realize is just that , fantasy.

    5. profile image50
      Karen Baileyposted 5 years agoin reply to this

      Girl, leave his assss! Nah, just kidding....
      The one thing I suggest to all my friends is follow your OWN intutition, your greater judgement. YOU have all the answers!
      However, since you are asking, join him when watching the porn. I was dating this guy and caught him watching porn on my computer, so I open the topic to... I like to watch porn, my fantasy is xyz; catch my drift?
      Doing this activity can go good or bad, meaning he may be intimidated by your sexuality or like it and you end up having great sex!
      For me it went very well and I felt more close to him because we were sharing something and I didn't feel if he had a porn jack-off session on his own that I was less than or couldn't fullfill his needs.

      I'll keep you in my prayers and my fingers crossed!
      Ciao!

      1. poeticmentor profile image77
        poeticmentorposted 5 years agoin reply to this

        @ Karen Bailey. LOL.. Excellent advice. i am not so angry or upset about his love for porn. I do occasionally watch some of his selected few with him, in which he tells me that he is simply getting 'position' ideas from it. I just laugh.  I just wanted to know everyone's opinion and there are some very helpful comments I will consider.  I am not leaving him for something so petty.  at least he does not cheat and he constantly wants to have sex, I am the one who turns him down. He is a great guy who treat me like a queen. I know porn can become an addiction that destroys relationships but I don't feel like it is tearing us apart. we have great sex, maybe he is learning a thing or two. lol. @ FabJustin great male perspective. Thanks a bunch. Blessings all.

    6. Eranofu profile image80
      Eranofuposted 5 years agoin reply to this

      I'd never say that porn is a problem as long as he's not actually sleeping with others. If he's addicted and neglecting you, that is the real problem not to what he is addicted. If he jerks off a few times to porn it's completely normal especially if he's not satisfied with the current amount of actual sex. Have you tried to both watch some erotic movies together or so?
      If it is out of your ethical boundaries, make that clear to him. Otherwise he'd never know what he has done wrong.

    7. msshandriaball profile image81
      msshandriaballposted 5 years agoin reply to this

      I thought all men loved porn...ijs! Seriously ,if the addiction is interfering with your relationship you might want to talk to your partner. Does your partner agree he has a sexual addiction? Acknowledgement is the first step.

    8. Captain Redbeard profile image59
      Captain Redbeardposted 5 years agoin reply to this

      @Poeticmentor

      Porn is much like Alices rabbit hole. The farther in you go, the weirder it gets. You could be looking at heterosexual stuff in the missionary one click and another finding robots with midgets getting busy with a tentacle alien on an elevator.

      I think porn is unhealthy and a large population of men would agree if the issue was brought to their attention. There are a lot of different arguments here from different view points that are going to say its cool or its not, leave him and love him. But at the end of the day you have to just ask yourself one question, are YOU ok with it?

      If your not, talk to him. Don't keep issues in the dark. If you have a problem and say nothing to him, you risk judging him and vilifying him for something he is un aware of.

    9. profile image0
      Miriam Weissmannposted 4 years agoin reply to this

      You need to be more open. There's nothing wrong with what your man is doing, except that you are making it wrong. Share his hobby and enjoy it with him. Whatever it is that's made him choose this pastime will be righted if you relax about it.

    10. savvydating profile image98
      savvydatingposted 2 years agoin reply to this

      In a word, "Yes." I would consider that a deal breaker. I highly recommend that you do a Google-Scholar search about the effects on the brain on porn addicted individuals. Suffice it to say that much of it has to do with dopamine. Additionally, pornography creates a desensitization in the addicted  individual, along with many other brain issues.
      Not to mention, it is highly disrespectful for a man to view porn in your presence or out of your presence for that matter. Please keep in mind that there is a difference between Google and Google scholar. I recommend that you begin doing some research now. You might also want to look up some statistics regarding violence against women. All of this research will convince you that your man has a serious problem. You need to leave him now.
      Do not listen to men or women who defend pornography. Such men have some serious issues. I guarantee it. That being said, porn addiction is also on the rise for females. Sad but true.

  2. Stevennix2001 profile image93
    Stevennix2001posted 5 years ago

    Wow, this should be interesting to see what people have to say about this.  lollollol

  3. hopebubbatins profile image60
    hopebubbatinsposted 5 years ago

    i would honestly have a talk with your partner and discuss your differences.
    Make a list of pro's and con's about watching porn and try to understand where your partner is coming from. Don't take offence to it straight away, some people prefer different things. Maybe your partner is hinting at "trying new things". You will never know unless you ask. To have a proper relationship you need trust and within that trust you should have no problem in talking to your partner about any issues such as "watching porn".

    Depending on how your partners reaction to your questions are is what your answer is.

    Good luck, Merry Christmas and best wishes.

  4. NatashaInLove profile image62
    NatashaInLoveposted 5 years ago

    If I were in that situation I would discuss my concerns with my partner and if I were still feeling unsatisfied or upset I would want to see a couples counselor. I don't think I would just leave, if the relationship is worth working through the problem.

  5. profile image0
    ExoticHippieQueenposted 5 years ago

    I really do feel for you. Been in that same situation with my ex-husband (husband at the time).  He didn't go online, but used DVD's and god knows what else.  I do know that it made me feel very not special.  I imagined that he was thinking of other women when we were having sex.  When he looked out the window, I wondered if he was thinking of someone he had seen in a movie.  When he looked at me, I felt like he was comparing me to them.  It tends to make one feel very insecure.  My husband had a deep, addictive relationship with porn and fantasy that left me pretty much out of the picture, even though we continued to have a sex life.  But I often felt like I barely needed to be there.  Just put a paper bag over my head, because anything above my neck was not needed.  No intimacy, no connection.  I finally couldn't take it anymore after finding porn hidden in furnace ducts, etc.  He was parking in strange places and taking strange things to work that I won't mention. Sex was of utmost importance to him, moreso than probably to most men.  You certainly need to seek out a counselor with experience in this area.  First alone, then later discuss your concerns with your partner, and ask if he feels it is a problem.  If he says it's not a problem, then you've got a problem! If he feels your pain, then tell him that you would like him to seek help either with or without you.  It's an uphill battle, this kind of addiction, with a high recividism rate.  Wishing you the best in this situation!

    1. profile image51
      FabulousJustinposted 5 years agoin reply to this

      I think you mean "recidivism", and I'm sad that a man's use of Porn to exercise/enhance his daily need for masturbation, could be described with a word meaning repetitive behaviour leading to criminal activity.  Though I sympathize and understand how you would lose that "I'm special" feeling, saying a man who uses porn on a daily basis to masturbate with is "Addicted' is like saying someone who drinks water is an 'addict'.  Regular doses of "self-pleasuring" are very natural.  Over doing it, is possible and can become excessive if more than once per day.  Men, Str8 or Gay, need a variety of fantasies to play out.  If you are doing sex the same way with him every time, his mind is gonna wander.  Most men are afraid to address the situation with their girls for fear the unpredictable nature of a woman.  Some of you are very open-minded and some of you not-so-much! I am writing this reply with my head bowed and lots of respect to Women.  As a very straight looking gay guy, I have learned a lot about women, and men, and I understand why women would jump to the conclusion that watching porn regularly could be considered an addiction.  But it is the wrong assumption, as much as accusing some one of being an addict because they need water on a regular basis.  I've learned that it doesn't matter how pretty you are, men need a bit of variety, and if you allow them porn, they are less likely to be naughty.  Show me Pamela Anderson, and I'll show you 2 potentially 3 men that are sick of her.  Ladies don't beat your gorgeous selves up when your guys spanking the monkey to pictures of other girls.  Its just a very natural need for variety. So maybe shake it up a bit for him, find out what other things he likes, and don't take any of it personally.  If you make them feel bad about it, you will drive it underground and it will become more obsessive, and then it really is a problem for you and for him.  Men are very 'visual', and watching porn is better than your guy having affairs to play out the need for variety.
      ExoticHippieQueen, I don't mean to be dis-respectful, you are gorgeous and you will find a man that makes you feel it, if you haven't already.  Understanding our needs will help you understand what may seem like crazy behaviour.
      Much respect to you, and much respect to women, there's a lot we have in common.

      1. profile image50
        Karen Baileyposted 5 years agoin reply to this

        AMEN!

      2. seanorjohn profile image82
        seanorjohnposted 4 years agoin reply to this

        What a vile response. This is not helpful to someone asking for advice.

    2. Apology4Wolves profile image60
      Apology4Wolvesposted 5 years agoin reply to this

      I believe that 99% of men sometimes think about other women during sex with their wives.  It might help the marriage.

      The porn issue I guess depends on how strong what you're calling his "addiction" is.  I think concern over porn is blown out of proportion, generally speaking. Maybe he's just horny 24/7.  Seriously.

      If he is an addict, there is absolutely nothing you can do to help but except disconnect just as you disconnect from an alcoholic.  Then you just have to hope that your new behavior influences his behavior.

      1. profile image57
        Lette89posted 2 years agoin reply to this

        What do you mean disconnect?

        1. Pearldiver profile image80
          Pearldiverposted 2 years agoin reply to this

          I think the rest of the world disconnected from this thread 2 years ago mate!  smile

          1. profile image57
            Lette89posted 2 years agoin reply to this

            Don't mean ppl ain't going through this kinda s*** right noe

    3. profile image54
      Heather37posted 3 years agoin reply to this

      Hello. I know that you posted this a long time ago. I just don't have anyone to talk to that went through what I am going through. Are you still active on here ? I would like to ask so advice.

  6. barryrutherford profile image75
    barryrutherfordposted 5 years ago

    FabulousJustin

    What's this you create a hubpage profile just to answer this question?

  7. rbe0 profile image60
    rbe0posted 5 years ago

    Is he directly injecting the porn into his veins? If so, only he can choose to stop being an addict.

    If he has not yet stolen your VCR to fund his porn habit, there is still hope.

  8. Pearldiver profile image80
    Pearldiverposted 5 years ago

    Interesting Avatar for someone allegedly concerned about how they are 'seen' or 'treated' sexually sad 

    It really doesn't 'Fit' the apparent 'concerns' that you planted in a forum thread and haven't been 'concerned' enough about to return to sad

    With an avatar like that... It kind of gives an appearance that someone (with a Short span of attention etc.) is getting off on the subject!  roll 


    @ Barry.. maybe having to look at life (and threads) from down here in DownUnder.. gives us a far different perspective than others, along with the potential to smell the odor of BS.. before others! big_smile

    1. A Thousand Words profile image79
      A Thousand Wordsposted 5 years agoin reply to this

      ... you do realize thats a finger, right...?

      1. Pearldiver profile image80
        Pearldiverposted 5 years agoin reply to this

        Sure.. a Single Erect Middle Finger! smile

        That means all sorts of things to all sorts of people!  This OP is full of it and hasn't even returned since posting two days ago!.. So yep.. I rest my case! smile

  9. chicagoguy profile image75
    chicagoguyposted 5 years ago

    agree with V Qisya's comment

  10. profile image0
    ExoticHippieQueenposted 5 years ago

    Hey, guys. I have read your comments, and on many levels, I completely agree! I don't think you understand that my experience was not your average, garden-variety of porn interest.  It was an obsession, despite a frequent and varied sex life. I completely understand a man's need for variety, his need to masturbate, have a fantasy life, etc. I get all that. I'm a realist!  THIS was not THAT.  I really don't want to go into detail because Hubpages will kick me off. Let it suffice to say that he had many, many ways to show me that he was deeply involved in something unhealthy that was taking our marriage down.  He never wanted to talk about it, and refused to cooperate with several counselors, so I had to go looking for myself online, on the phone, etc.  I found out way more than I wanted to know.  A little porn here and there I can deal with.  This was bigger than both of us.

    1. rbe0 profile image60
      rbe0posted 5 years agoin reply to this

      if the man had a thing for sheep just tell us. hard to tell what you are talking about when you dont say it...

      1. profile image0
        ExoticHippieQueenposted 5 years agoin reply to this

        You will have to use your imagination. It's def out of the norm. Not going any farther with that.

        1. rbe0 profile image60
          rbe0posted 5 years agoin reply to this

          is it illegal? if so you should have turned him in asap. innocents should never be harmed.

          1. profile image0
            ExoticHippieQueenposted 5 years agoin reply to this

            Nothing illegal with innocents or animals. Just plain weird and unhealthy.

            1. rbe0 profile image60
              rbe0posted 5 years agoin reply to this

              I'm running out of ideas here... Was he forcing you into polygamy?

              1. Captain Redbeard profile image59
                Captain Redbeardposted 5 years agoin reply to this

                Dude, are you trying to get ideas for yourself? Let it go, NO means NO! lol

    2. donotfear profile image89
      donotfearposted 4 years agoin reply to this

      He either needs to seek help for his addiction or you could leave him if you can't deal with it.  Just remember that you have to compete with those luscious porn stars.  That can't be easy.

  11. schoolgirlforreal profile image85
    schoolgirlforrealposted 5 years ago

    As bad as alcohol I'm guessing-alcoholic that is.

    f*** him. go !

  12. loveorlost profile image38
    loveorlostposted 5 years ago

    I dont want to give you advice , you already have enough from others. But i would like to share some:
    My GF never had sex with some one else neither me. So from the begining of relationship i started to watch porn from net, learnt different position. Besides it turns me on very quickly. When i applied the position to my GF she asked me where i learnt those, so i told her. We both watch porn some time to get ideas about sex but not the rough one.
    My GF learnt lot of things wich makes me turn on. In this case i can say porn is good to see to learn.
    This days i sometime watch porn without my GF but i never cheat.

    1. brimancandy profile image82
      brimancandyposted 5 years agoin reply to this

      I like your answer. You know Dr. Ruth had a young woman who had never had sex before, and she was about to be married, and was afraid to have sex with her new husband, because she did not know if she would please him. Along with the whole sex before marriage sin. Anyways, Dr. Ruth suggested that she go to the video store and rent and watch porn, just so that she could see what she might be asked to do.

      After that caller, the phone calls came in. Oh yes. My husband and I did that, and it worked for us. Mainly because it made them less afraid if what they were doing, and less guilty about how they felt about it. Once you take away the guilt that is linked to porn. You find that it's really not that big a deal, and like you, some people find it helpful.

  13. tabrezrocks profile image48
    tabrezrocksposted 5 years ago

    I think firstly you both sit and talk about your problem and if any then trying to resolve it, one more thing try to attract him towards you with different approach like romance with him when he watch porn attract him with your soul as well as with your body strongly. Surely this will work for you.

  14. lovendar profile image60
    lovendarposted 5 years ago

    I think its all going because of less communication and less talks between you. Try to understand him and spend as much as time you can with him. If he will not get the time free, he will rock with you, so its the simplest way to engage him instead those porn sites. Be sexy in front of him and offer sex to him.

  15. ahorseback profile image81
    ahorsebackposted 5 years ago

    I gotta say people !.........Come on Now ! dump the dude . I mean listen to yourselves , he's a porn lover for god sakes .  Lets see now , I'm deciding  .........nope !  I wouldn't want to work it out with anyone like that !  Course , I'm a decent guy !

  16. ahorseback profile image81
    ahorsebackposted 5 years ago

    Oh no , I wasn't thinking ........maybe he doesn't inhale !

  17. brimancandy profile image82
    brimancandyposted 5 years ago

    There is one good thing about internet porn, (from one who admits to viewing it.) After a while, it can get pretty boring, and at times frustrating. In my case, once the clothes come off, it just seems to be more of the same. Bad dialog, sappy music, and close-ups of body parts I would rather not see. So, I could watch hours of it, before I  would find anything remotely stimulating. But, I'm also quite picky, if the person or persons that I am viewing are not attractive to me, I will look for someone that is, and mostly do not find that holy grail. It's all so boring.

    So my question to the original poster would be. how much time does he spend looking at porn? What is he looking at? And, does he do it while you are in the same house? If you do not know the answers to these questions, I also suggest that you ask him. He will most likely be flustered. If he gets mad, drop the subject, and try to bring it up at another time. let him know that you are only curious. Then maybe you can steer him away from it little by little.

    If you care deeply about him, and give him an ultimatum off the bat, he is only going to resent you. take it apart in pieces, but don't act like you are ok with it. Because if you act like you are going along with it, and then change your opinion to how you really feel, he might end up confused and bitter.

    I actually had a partner who dumped me over looking at porn, while he was not home. The funny thing about that, was that it was his porn I was looking at! Made no sense at all. He later tried to get me back, and I said no thanks. You're too crazy.

    1. HattieMattieMae profile image68
      HattieMattieMaeposted 5 years agoin reply to this

      My advice would be if he's worth fighting for stay with him in all other areas. I was with a gambler left, and hit hit bottom. Of course he also stopped. So fortunately you can leave...but divorce is not always the answer. People are stronger than you think they are...they just need you to get there attention for moment to put a stop to it. I know many people that have stopped addictions whether it was porn, the internet, gambling, those addictions seem quite easier to stop. While others like drugs, and alcohol are not because they are chemicals. So pornography is not good or healthy for your relationship. I would advise you to watch the movie Fireproof and also get the books power of praying wife, and prayers for changing your marriage by Stormie Omartian. Some times  just praying for people changes everything and asking the Angels to help like St. Michael. I think you have to really follow your heart and how other ways you relate are negative or positive as well. Is he physically abusive, controlling,  manipulating, verbally abusive. Addicted to drugs or alcohol. Pornography is bad, but easier to stop like I said. When you quit it last forever. I just wrote some hubs on this yesterday about  Bear Brantly and lessons you can apply the marriage.

  18. profile image51
    Terry30posted 5 years ago

    Well, I understand that porn addiction is a bad thing, but before you leave, ask yourself a few questions..

    1. Did he openly tell you about his liking of porn or did you catch him?
    2. How do you know its an addiction and not just a now and then thing?
    3. How often do you know for sure he looks at it?
    4. What type of porn does he watch?  (Nasty sites, pics of naked girls, regular porn..)
    5. How is your sexlife?
    6. Has he tried to include you in this or have you tried to become a part of it?

    Now I will tell my story..

    In all my relationships before have I never had to deal with someone who looked at naked girl pictures. When I met my fiance, he openly told me that he now and then looks at one site where the girls are naked.  I didnt have a problem with it..

    Then I became curious as to how often he does it and started looking at his search history and found that he mabe looks at it twice a week for maybe 10 minutes each time..  So I was grateful to see that, as you cannot classify it as an addiction..

    Yes, as a female I did start to wonder why he feels the need to look at naked women when I am right here...we have had many fights about this until this last weekend's fight, where my eyes finally opened!!!

    I saw that he looked at the girls on Saturday morning..  It hurt me so badly, as we had made love just the night before..  So my ego was bruised for sure..  I confronted him and I needed to understand why..  So he sat me down in front of his computer and we discussed it..

    He showed me what he does when he looks at the site..  Every day there are about 15 new girl profiles added to the site..  So he scrolls through them and looks at the face, if he sees a pretty face, he clicks on her profile to see the rest..  He maybe chooses 5 girls..  Then he starts scrolling down the profile..  He sometimes sees a very pretty girl where all her pics are perfect and sometimes sees girls with a pretty face, but doesnt look good naked...  So he scrolls down and then he closes the profiles..  Thats it..  That is all he does..  He explained to me that he needs mental stimulation..  ALL men do.. 

    He also said that him looking at these maybe once or twice a week, HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME AS PERSON..  He doesnt look because he is unhappy with me, or because he wants to find another girl, (there is no way for him to contact these girls or anything), he made it very clear that I should in no way take it personal..

    I understood all of this but had a small problem with the after effects..  I dont want him to get all hot and bothered looking at these girls and then he goes and pleasures himself..  So we made a deal, he can look at the pics, but he needs to get his pleasure and satisfaction from me (most of the time as I understand men do masturbate often)..

    So in short, I also felt he was addicted to it, until we discussed all points and I figured out its not an addiction, but actually something healthy that can only better our sexlife.  I suggest for you to deeply consider everything and who knows, you might actually find out what he does is quite normal..

    I would have hated leaving my fiance when I was convinced that he is addicted to porn, I am so thankful we managed to understand each other's needs and make it work in our favour..

    Good luck to you :-)

  19. poeticmentor profile image77
    poeticmentorposted 5 years ago

    Blessings to all who replied to this thread.  I wanted to allow all to chime in before I posted again..I hope the new profile pic is ok with one person who was obviously OFF subject and trying to cause an unrelated argument about my choice of an image.  nevertheless, I think we are past this issue and I have found that I am not at all threatened in any way by my man's fetish for porn. One of the most important issues in any relationship is ALLOWING THE PERSON TO BE THEMSELVES.  If this is who he is, and yes I knew about him watching porn from the beginning, then I cannot tell him not to watch.  It is fantasy, it has not destroyed our love for each other, I am not this insecure woman who cries when my man looks at other women fully dressed or naked..I continue to learn about his turn-ons and his turn offs..He is not watching these videos 24/7 and that is not the only thing on his brain either.  I am not sure how we define "addict" but I am realizing he's far from it.  I just know he watches them when I am not available..Some of the advice was dead on about how men like variety and need mental stimulation.  Like I said he gets the best ideas from these sites and our sex life has never suffered because of it.  If anything it has made it so much pleasurable.  This post was about a year ago and him and I are still together and we are deeper in love than before.  We did discuss his porn intake and he was totally considerate of my concerns.  Since then, I don't really stress over it..it is a nonfactor and I refuse to let it come between us.  Why allow something that is pure fantasy to interfere with the reality of love. Again thanks for the advice! but I got this. smile (the original poster)

    1. peeples profile image94
      peeplesposted 5 years agoin reply to this

      Good for you! Join in and have some fun! Glad you got over it and realized that some things are more of a bad thing by societies rules than reality.

  20. ahorseback profile image81
    ahorsebackposted 5 years ago

    How nice !  "You are more deeply in love with someone who loves porn ", you do realize that like child porn , even adult porn is not a victimless crime ! Love on !

  21. poeticmentor profile image77
    poeticmentorposted 4 years ago

    Again..I got this.. thanks "peeples" exactly.. and @ahorseback..um who is the victim you refer to..please be clear..I see no victim here ..and porn is NOT child porn..I cannot stand when people try to make something into something totally outrageous just to prove a point..keep it to yourself brother..lol good try though.Porn has been around since prostitution.(just called another name most likely)..and well we all know that sex sells..always has and prob always will. you should embrace your nature.. if possible.  We are sexual creatures..what creature do you know that does not have a urge to mate? Fill me in..What world are you living in sir. 1

    1. Castlepaloma profile image75
      Castlepalomaposted 4 years agoin reply to this

      Sex is as natural as eating and sleeping, just more pleasurable.

      Too much of anything can unbalance a persons life. Too many people don't work enough for love. A real woman can top porn, love can wait, sex can't, jump in front of sex scene on the set, then trust him or leave him.

  22. passthejelly profile image79
    passthejellyposted 4 years ago

    What are you defining as an addiction?  Just curious.. like how much does he use it?

  23. poeticmentor profile image77
    poeticmentorposted 4 years ago

    I am not sure what would define addiction when it comes to issues such as this.  I mean is there a set number of days or hours that one must watch porn to be an "addict"?..My significant other watches porn maybe three to four times a month..if that.  Lol but definitely during my menstrual cycle..ijs..is that considered 'addiction"..not sure.  Thanks for your response, it's appreciated.  i am open  to more input on this.

    1. passthejelly profile image79
      passthejellyposted 4 years agoin reply to this

      I wouldn't say that would be an addiction, but that's just my opinion.

    2. Aime F profile image85
      Aime Fposted 2 years agoin reply to this

      Yes, she literally did say it. I've bolded it for you.

      Every scientific study most certainly does not say that porn is harmful. I suggest you do some reading outside of what fits into your comfort zone.

      1. savvydating profile image98
        savvydatingposted 2 years agoin reply to this

        Aime...thanks for bolding her post. I did not see that. The real issue here is that his love of porn bothers the author. Consequently, porn is an issue for her. Frankly, it should be. Surely you see that the author is trying to make every excuse for her boyfriend---because she is confused.

        At any rate, pornography is harmful. It is a big business that profits from the objectification of women. It demeans that which is actually intimate about the sexual union. That which titillates is not good. My comfort zone has nothing to do with this issue. Pornography is detrimental. It affects the brain negatively and it harms relationships. My goal is to help women see the facts, however unpopular. Again, I suggest you do some serious research. Your defending pornography is not useful for women. You might want to look up some statistics on college rape and why it has become a huge problem on college campuses.

        1. Aime F profile image85
          Aime Fposted 2 years agoin reply to this

          Funny enough I just did a search and came up with multiple pages of articles that highlighted potential benefits of watching pornography/rebuttals to studies that claimed it was harmful. You can usually find exactly what you're looking for if you type in the right thing.

          I find the notion that porn is objectifying women to be degrading in itself. Why is it not objectifying men, too? Because women surely aren't capable of making their own decision to have sex on camera?

          I don't have a smidgen of doubt that porn is harmful in some cases and under some circumstances but I will not buy for a second that is detrimental to everyone and every relationship.

          1. savvydating profile image98
            savvydatingposted 2 years agoin reply to this

            A meta-analysis has revealed that many young people have a perceived idea that porn improves their sex lives. However, perception is different from fact. What porn does is desensitize men sexually. They come to believe that the porn body is the only good body. They see no mystery in sex. In addition, female porn actors may be the product of sex trafficking or they may be women who have come to believe that being exploited is all they are good for. Many former porn stars have revealed the seedy side of pornography as well as having come out with the truth about their childhood abuse. When a child is abused, their perception of sexuality becomes skewed. It is no longer a "loving" activity--it is something else....unless she gets the needed counseling she needs to overcome her past..
            At any rate, I want nothing to do with something that degrades women. If you see porn differently, that is your choice.

  24. psycheskinner profile image84
    psycheskinnerposted 4 years ago

    Given that he isn't hurting anyone else, you might consider this as par of the 'better or worse'.  Where you accept some level of porn use is not all that bad, and he agrees to some limits on how, when, how much etc.

    1. Castlepaloma profile image75
      Castlepalomaposted 4 years agoin reply to this

      I'd rather see two people making love (sex) than two people killing each other. We see too much of the fantasy killings.

  25. Your admirer profile image73
    Your admirerposted 4 years ago

    I also watches porn sometimes especially the 1080ps quality. I don't think watching porn is bad but too much porn...Gosh!!! you are dealing with a man whose mind is full of false projections.
    The first effect of watching porn is to loose interest in your partner simply because a usual female body is not as animated as porn star with surgical implants and tattoos, and their 10/10 body. I am telling all this because I have experienced it.
    It can easily be improved by leaving porn and mastr***tion permanently. I know easier said than done. If he is willing to listen then great else he will leave you for a pornstar lookalike sad....

    1. peeples profile image94
      peeplesposted 4 years agoin reply to this

      Sad!

      1. Castlepaloma profile image75
        Castlepalomaposted 4 years agoin reply to this

        Nothing is like the real thing, true love can replace any addiction

        Is love an addiction, or can we never get enough?

  26. ahorseback profile image81
    ahorsebackposted 4 years ago

    Okay porn is porn "not child porn " a perfectly peaceful and legal way to spend your lonely saturday nights , Right ! What about the quality of your marriage or relationship with the opposite sex !  What Values are you teaching your kids with the door closed and locked  ?  How DO you know that the girl in the film is over 21 ?   Believe me , I love sex and I love the opposite sex even more , but I respect them too !  Porn de-values the family , the wife  , the marriage .and even the beauty of sex itself  YEAAA!  One half of marriages today end in divorce !   I guess if you can't see the moral  problems here , you aint ever going to !    Good luck with that !

  27. ahorseback profile image81
    ahorsebackposted 4 years ago

    Hey Mom ! I want you to meet my new wife Candy Cane , she likes porn too !

    1. peeples profile image94
      peeplesposted 4 years agoin reply to this

      Oh just a tad harsh there ahorseback! Why would the children know what mommy and daddy are doing behind closed doors? I get it, sooner or later some children go looking for that type of thing and get a false sense of what sex really is. BUT if two adults are comfortable with it, neither feels less valued, and they have a good relationship what's the harm?

  28. ahorseback profile image81
    ahorsebackposted 4 years ago

    Peeples ! The OP asks " Should i leave a man ......."  , two consenting adults , Okay I can do that !  But in my mind the OP wasn't comfortable with the Mate addicted to porn !  Addictions of any kind are  Iffy !  Hey Happy new Year !............:-}

    1. psycheskinner profile image84
      psycheskinnerposted 4 years agoin reply to this

      But unless OP is a psychiatrist, who knows if it is actually an addiction?

      1. Castlepaloma profile image75
        Castlepalomaposted 4 years agoin reply to this

        When perfer having sex with a midget than their own wife

  29. ahorseback profile image81
    ahorsebackposted 4 years ago

    psycheskinner < its like this ,,  Your kids know firstt ! And they learn more than a shrink!

  30. profile image0
    Beth37posted 4 years ago

    I have yet to meet a man who doesn't love to look at naked women. That being said, most men will say they are not "addicted". Meaning, they could take it or leave it, but it's just an occasional fancy. However, it's a strong vice that will destroy any real relationship given time. There's a group men can find help at (besides SA). I wish you the very best.

    http://samsonsociety.com/

  31. profile image0
    ExoticHippieQueenposted 4 years ago

    Should you leave a man who is addicted to porn?  This is a question not easily answered.  Read below;

    Having been married for over 25 years to a man who exhibited every sign of sexual addiction, without an actual confirmed diagnosis, I feel that I can speak with some degree of knowledge.  I loved this man very, very much.  I knew that he liked porn when we first met from the stacks of magazines he owned.  Later in our marriage, I found porn hidden in the basement ceiling.  I am not an hysterical freak about porn and never made it an issue in our marriage.  I found that he was the one who made it an issue by his unnecessary secretiveness.  That is one of the components that slowly destroys a marriage.  Another time, I came home from church unexpectedly to retrieve my wallet and found that he had been watching porn while I was gone, despite the fact that not only did we have a great sex life, but we had just had sex that very morning.  He just had to have his own secret world.  Through the years, he flirted outrageously with other women, but I didn't feel he would cheat on me unless he had been drinking too much, but really, I wasn't sure.  He was a high functioning alcoholic.  Ultimately, the marriage began to crumble as his behavior took a drastic turn for the worse.  I still don't know what initiated it, but he became even more secretive, lied to me about his whereabouts, acted oddly, took things from the house so that he could continue with his fantasy at work (he usually worked alone, as he was his own boss), came home with injuries to himself, and continued to stash porn DVD's in odd places.  Finally, I had had enough.  I no longer knew if he had been faithful to me during the marriage, or what exactly he was doing  at that time that appeared to be of a very addictive nature, and he refused to get help or confide in me.  I still loved him at the time of the divorce, but I had done all I could do over the course of the last three years to save our marriage. On that note, some men have what you might call a "healthy" attitude towards porn.  They may use it occasionally when their wife is out of town or in some casual manner.  They are not living for it. They can take it or leave it.  Under these circumstances, it  remains a somewhat innocuous side interest.  It is when porn becomes the most important element in a man's world, which includes planning their day around viewing it and the activities that accompany it, that it threatens to destroy lives.  Porn in itself is a dirty industry that takes advantage of people in rough situations and exploits them for profit. Few porn actors are actually recognized and rewarded with notoriety.  Most just do a dirty job for the pleasure of others. Any activity that becomes obsessive or addictive and replaces other healthy choices is a threat to the happiness of those who love the addicted person. Life is beautiful..........and very short.  There are so many wonderful ways to spend your time, awesome places to make plans to visit, children to play catch with, restaurants to explore, hobbies to pursue.  Why make one particular aspect of human life become more important than all the others?  If you see yourself, here, please get help.

    1. profile image51
      Terry30posted 4 years agoin reply to this

      Wow, well said..  I think that clearly answers the question of what is a sex addiction actually..  But how sad that your marriage had to end because of this..

      I was also really concerned that my fiance is addicted to the naked pictures, but reading your story, I see my issue is very small.

      I've accepted that he will continue looking at these women..  We were on holiday a few days back and were sitting out on the porch watching the waves and he got up to get his laptop.  He read some emails and then I got up to get a drink when I saw he was looking at the pictures.  Right there, in front of me!! 

      So yeah, accepting the fact that he will look at this doesnt make it any easier everytime you realise he watched it. 

      What hurt was that we were sitting there enjoying each other's company and he felt the need to look at it.  So I understand that part about WHEN they look at it.  They will never understand how unhappy it can make a woman.  So I guess we all have to accept it or if we are not willing to accept it, move on to another man, who will probably also look at it. 

      Good luck to all the ladies, there are alot of us in the same situation..

      1. profile image0
        Beth37posted 4 years agoin reply to this

        sad Im so sorry.

    2. profile image54
      Heather37posted 3 years agoin reply to this

      I was wondering if you are still active on this forum. I need to talk to someone who went through what I am going through. I would apreciate some advice.

  32. ahorseback profile image81
    ahorsebackposted 4 years ago

    The OP says addicted to porn , I still say dump him before you waste a  whole life ! And ! , what is he teaching your children ?

    1. Castlepaloma profile image75
      Castlepalomaposted 4 years agoin reply to this

      I say, give 100% E for effort of getting him off the porn addicttion or any addiction for that fact, as it can bring a great embalance to someones life.

      My ex wife might have been a midget, she was only 4 foot 9'' tallest in her family.  I had leave her,  because she was addicted to herself

  33. profile image53
    maryke-polleyposted 4 years ago

    i can answer this because a year ago i would have said yes leave him, but then i got married, found out my husband has been watching this 18 years. he wanted to change and he made effort to see someone about this, also to get closer to God, and with the HELP OF GOD, we are making it day by day. he is a much much better man that the one i met and i thank God that i did not walk out. ... see i had faith that with God all things are possible, that God will change him and his heart that God will reniew his mind and habits, and God showed me what love is what mercy is what forgiveness is in the process

    so no my friend, dont just leave because the devil got your husband busy with the wrong thing,, take your husband man boyfriend back and fight for whats yours.

    ta

    1. profile image0
      Beth37posted 4 years agoin reply to this

      I just want to post again that the samson society is life changing for many men. If any one is struggling with this, please read this essay.

      http://must-have-hope.blogspot.com/2012 … ciety.html

  34. Aime F profile image85
    Aime Fposted 2 years ago

    A few times a month doesn't particularly strike me as an addiction.

    Not everyone who watches porn is a twisted sexual deviant who doesn't respect their partner. Many successful and happy relationships include people who don't mind their other half watching porn (within reason).

    Don't listen to anyone who absolutely vilifies pornography in any dose or form.

    1. savvydating profile image98
      savvydatingposted 2 years agoin reply to this

      She isn't talking about a few times. She is referring to an addiction. There is nothing good about any addiction.

      1. Aime F profile image85
        Aime Fposted 2 years agoin reply to this

        Obviously. She stated previously in the thread that he watches porn three to four times per month at most, which I then said doesn't strike me as an addiction (when someone says addiction I imagine it interfering with their day-to-day life. I'm not seeing how watching porn a few times a month would do that).

  35. savvydating profile image98
    savvydatingposted 2 years ago

    Aime....The thing is...poetic is/was concerned about his "love of porn" and she did not say it was a few times a month as you claim. In any event, this question is 4 years old and poetic has either moved on or decided to stay with the SOB. The question at this juncture is: Why are you defending pornography when every scientific study has proved the harmful effects of pornography on the brain---not to mention relationships?

    I encourage you to do some serious research on the subject.

  36. poeticmentor profile image77
    poeticmentorposted 2 years ago

    Peace ladies and again my apologies for not responding to earlier posts. I am actually glad this  post has been reborn so to speak after 3years. Yet that should speak volumes of the  importance of issues we face as women and being in relationships in this sexual and lustful day and age we live.  So an update and a response is necessary for any woman making a choice to leave her man or mate over porn.
    First. I am still with this man. My man has not stopped watching porn. We did speak about it and how its effects could harm us or help us. We laid out out the good and bad and decided that it would not effect our love and our respect for each other. As long as we communicated about it. We did nitvtreatvitvas a disease in our relationship. He assured me that porn is just what it is. a fanstasy. He agreed to repsect the boundaries and that he could  not promise to stop watching it completely. I as a woman now must decide if i am ok with that. He does not hide it. Yet he treats me he always has. I've learned a lot about myself through this. And depending on how a woman is conditioned growing up learning about sexuality and sex..is how she will judge her partners.
    @savvydating, i am not confused as much as i am confused about how you tell me all these things and how detrimental porn is yet,"scientifically" but if you live on this planet you will see sex all around you! It may not seem right to you but dont tell me about research when you cannot post a reference to what you claim. It all just sounds like personal opinion because well thats what is. I am not making excuses for him and his porn i am attempting to simply say what other women are afraid to say or need to understand within themselves. No excuses hun. I know it may seem hard for you to believe but women like sex too.
    @ aimee
    I have agreed with your comments from day 1. It is def. Up to the person. Period. I have adjusted to him and we are still together happier and hornier as ever. Ijs.I'm  in my prime.so is he.
    @heather37
    I want to apologize to you especially. I will do better with my posts etc. Needed to get back to writing. Ive been so busy. Please feel free to contact me if you want more advice on this. I still do go through times when i dont want to know he is watching it. So its always an ongoing issue because you never want it to get out of control.  But if you find  yourself having  to control it. Then its probably an issue already.
    thanks for your informed expressions.
    Much respect.

  37. hell4heather profile image74
    hell4heatherposted 2 years ago

    There are women out there that have no problem with their partner using porn; there are men and women that happily use it together. But that doesn't mean YOU are the one with a problem if you take issue with it, it means everyone and every circumstance is different. Look, you are ALLOWED to specify the barriers in your own relationship and you don't have to explain your reasons for them to anyone except him. It's cheating if YOU say it is, I wish women could come to understand this. You are allowed to say it hurts and he is not allowed to continue doing something that hurts you!

    This is so relevant to me and close to my own heart, especially I have covered this issue in a comedy novel,  ‘The New Mrs D’ where my protagonist is newly married (on her honeymoon) before discovering her husband is addicted to porn. I wrote it after extensive research on the issue and in answer to the countless questions I read like this on forums, blog pages and women's relationship advice pages. I covered it in a work of commercial comedy fiction, but this is not say I have made light of the issue and the problem itself. I felt it needed to be addressed in something that was easy to read and light-hearted for the most part. Putting it in the form I thought might help it reach and speak to more women.

    The question about whether a person should leave is a complex one and not as simple as saying 'yes you should' or 'no you shouldn't'. It depends on the circumstance. In the case of my protagonist, she does (while on her honeymoon!), as the realisation has finally hit that the years of lack of intimacy and sex in the relationship, which she thought were a sexual dysfunction that she was supporting him in, has actually been because the husband has been using porn instead of making love to her. He, in fact, is unable to make love to his wife and has effectively conditioned himself to only reach ejaculation  whilst watching porn. The overuse of porn has caused his sexual dysfunction and he won't stop.

    You used the word 'addicted', so I'm going to assume your situation is somewhat similar and if he has this problem, won't seek help and continues to return to his habits despite the knowledge that it hurts you then leaving or living in misery and uncertainty for the rest of your days are realistically your two options. I believe any man who can't stop even knowing it causes his wife pain, misery and gives her confidence issues is cheating on the marriage. If it matters to you, hurts you and YOU consider it cheating, then it is cheating and you have a right to ask for it to stop. And like all emotional abuse (and that is what it is if a man is withholding sex and intimacy from you in order to keep it to himself), you shouldn't continue to suffer in silence and yes, you need to get out.

 
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