How to mend a marriage after infidelity

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   amber112483posted 13 years ago

   For those who read this, if you need to update yourself on my situation please read my resend post.
   
   5 Months ago my husband and I have been working on our relationship due to infidelity (on my part). I have been trying to go above and beyond with fixing the situation. I can’t seem to forgive myself or forget what I did. Has anyone else been in this situation and could lend a helping hand

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      cindi hposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Without boring you with the gory details of my life, suffice it to say, been there done that had it done to me as well.  TALK TALK TALK and TIME TIME TIME.
      You obviously strayed because you felt you weren't getting something you so desperately needed. Take the time to fully and honestly examine your relationship, ask him questions and answer his. Let him know you love him and will do everything in your power to make things better. Actually speak the words, don't ever assume he should know. Trust me, if you do truly still love him and he you, then you both can get over the pain and come to experience a stronger bond, a closer relationship. The hardest part of marriage is being able to really see the other for all their flaws and frailties and still love them.
      
      Good Luck

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   knolyourselfposted 13 years ago

   In certain of the classes outside affairs are considered appropriate. Anyway these things happen, and what is done is done. Been there done that. For the cheated on it can be blackmail time.
   Some people will never let you forget
   advantage for them. If both do not have the attitude no harm no foul there maybe no reconciling.

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   amber112483posted 13 years ago

   It's a battle , a Real hard one. This week harder than normal.  I know how thankful I am, I do.y husband is a great man. Yes, he will always have that fear but I could never do that again. This situation has given me so much fear and I had a mental break down. I rack my brain to see what and why everyday. It kills me

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   knolyourselfposted 13 years ago

   Never feel guilty, it is like cancer and it eats your insides out. It is used as
   a method of mind control, feeling guilty by association for things other people do. Must have been a reason you did it. Seemed like a good idea at the time I'm guessing. I have done it. I'll blame it on three passes of Thai-Stick. Did it end of story. Can't change the past and why let it control the present.

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   4tuneposted 13 years ago

   It was a mistake to make a vow when you did not understand it's depth I understand that, "This is why the guilt now because you now see vows are very serious", you see that and that is good trust me some people never do and would feel nothing.
   
   I have no idea how he will do, that is sad I would want to let him go and take it as my wrong doing but that is me. because I would not want 1/2 his heart nor would I want to be in situation where I could only offer 1/2 of mine.
   
   Before those things happen should be talked about but I know would be hard to do that too, but this is worse because of the secret you see, so I do not know and nobody here can what he is capable of doing far as forgiving.. Hopefully if the love is true it will work out and be better than before, sometimes it does but doesn't and it has to end.
   
   I am sure you would never want to do that again and probably never will with him or another, But if he cannot trust he has a right to not as one person says here a weapon,But because he may actually need that in his life again, even as another would be  some risk and chance there too, as life always is.
   
   Just keep open communication from now on is all I could ever suggest.

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   recommend1posted 13 years ago

   knolyourself has it about right - get over it and stop making it worse by extending your repentant behaviour into the present.  Every relationship needs constant reassurance but the way to do that, especially in your case, is by calling him when you are out for some reason so that he is not sitting on his own imagining all sorts of stuff, and by being happy.

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   klarawieckposted 13 years ago

   He'll mess up at one point. Watch for little signs - nobody is perfect. As soon as you catch him with the intention of cheating he'll understand that he, like you, had a moment of weakness. It happens. Humans are not meant to be monogamous. We just pretend to be and try our best.

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      TamCorposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      This is SO untrue.  To try to say he'll screw up, to make the OP feel better, is not fair to her husband at all. Who says he'll mess up? You're right--nobody's perfect, but that sure as heck doesn't mean they will cheat on their spouse at some point in their marriage!
      
      You're generalizing--saying that all people are not monogamous is just false, I'm sorry. I realize that maybe you're just trying to make her feel better...but she does have to deal with her guilt--not brush it aside like her cheating never happened. How can anyone ever learn from their mistakes if they do that?
      
      I know so many couples who would never even consider being unfaithful to each other, including my husband and I.  My first thought was maybe you are younger, and see this through your own generation's ideals...but...that's not fair, either.  I know lots of young couples who love each other very much,too,and will always stay faithful.  
      
      So, long story short...disagreeing respectfully...

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         klarawieckposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         I wasn't talking about cheating, I was referring to feeling tempted to cheat (being in a situation where you're attracted and reciprocated with some one other than your husband/wife). I am in my mid-30's and have never cheated and have never been cheated (that I'm aware of) but I know many couples who, at one point or another, have either cheated or have felt compelled to. Most people feel like it will never happen to them, yet you see marriages crumble after 20 or 30 years due to infidelity. We are not perfect, like I said before, and one should never say never. We can just pray that it never happens to us, but the possibility is still there.

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   Kurant82posted 13 years ago

   The days of trying to turn lives lemons into lemonade are over, and crawling back and begging the girl who stole your soul to give it back simply is not permissible, reestablishing contact with the same girl that just she man he *itch slapped you so hard that you will probably be a pathetic wreck for a long while before you even start to get anywhere near close to normal again is not permitted at all in this tragic day in age. Instead tell her in your own nice way to "go *uck yourself you backstabbing hooker". And after that no matter how desperate drunk or pathetic you may be do not, do not establish contact with the woman who brought upon this horrible period of anguish and self loathing to your once great life. From now on she is the devil, Lucifer, Apollyon himself or herself! if you want to prevent any more heart ache and make sure you don’t fall back into that deep dark hole you just now started to drag yourself out of, then remember these words, and here my warning "DO NOT GO ANYWHERE NEAR HIM OR HER, JUST STAY THE HELL AWAY!"

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      klarawieckposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Sounds like you've been hurt badly, my friend. I'm sorry.

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   amber112483posted 13 years ago

   I thank everyone for their words some that helped a bunch. It is an everyday battle I deal with. I do want to make it clear that I do not have any contact with the person I had my affair with. I stopped all contact with that person months before everything was out in the opened. I would never have that type of contact

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