Infidelity – How to Heal Feelings of Betrayal

1. 57

   affairdetectorposted 14 years ago

   Look, if you’re dealing with infidelity – you got cheated on, or you cheated on your mate – how can you restore the relationship?

   replyreport
   1. 66

      TheGlassSpiderposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Hmm. I've never cheated on anyone, but if I did I would expect them to leave me and never look back.
      
      I've never been cheated on, but if someone did...I would probably leave them and never look back.
      
      However, I don't presume to think that this is the appropriate solution for everyone. Just the one I can see myself making.
      
      That probably doesn't help you very much.
      
      Perhaps counseling.

      replyreport
   2. 70

      Cagsilposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      To answer this question and probably piss off quite a few people doing it, will require common-sense, truth and understanding.
      
      Now- (a) Look at yourself in the mirror(if you cheated) and accept the fact you have no Integrity left.
      
      (b) Do not try to hide this from your wife/husband/spouse. All things which are lies, even if unspoken, come out at some point, sooner or later. How much damage will be done is in your hands? You are in control of how it plays out.
      
      (c) Should you be the one cheated on, then you feel mistrust, and you cannot longer remain with the individual. The "love" essence of the relationship has been snapped like a twig. The time has come to make a decision- either walk away or stay.
      
      **if you decide to stay, then you only have yourself to blame, should it happen again. It's recommended to walk away!
      
      (d) You(if you were the one who cheated) shouldn't be too proud of yourself, because you've demonstrated your lack of will power, lack of self-control over your own sexual drive(shame on you) and you've completely wrecked your relationship. Not too bright.
      
      Just my thoughts.

      replyreport
      1. 57

         affairdetectorposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Thank you very much for your thoughts Cagsil. Very much appreciated.

         replyreport
   3. 87

      quotationsposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Why should you? If they cheated on you, they probably cannot be trusted in the future. If you cheated, then you have harmed the other person to such an extent that the relationship will never be the same. Deep down they will always have justified doubts about you. Do yourselves both a favor and move on.

      replyreport
2. 68

   blondepoetposted 14 years ago

   I only have experience with kicking them to the kerb after they have cheated or putting prawn shells in the seams of their curtains. No second chances with me lol.

   replyreport
   1. 0

      cosetteposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      heh.

      replyreport
      1. 68

         blondepoetposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         I think sadly because of events in my past, trust with some-one means the world to me. It is too hard for me to rebuild if it is torn down as I put my very being in a relationship.

         replyreport
         1. 68

            Hmrjmr1posted 14 years agoin reply to this

            dittos BP

            replyreport
            1. 68

               blondepoetposted 14 years agoin reply to this

               You too Hmr.

               replyreport
         2. 0

            cosetteposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            
            
            i can certainly understand that. you're right about putting your very being into a relationship. few people understand just what that means.
            
            p.s that 'heh' was for the prawns...funneee

            replyreport
            1. 61

               Hokeyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

               I understand. I love hard and I love for life.

               replyreport
               1. 68

                  blondepoetposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                  Yes me too Hokey.

                  replyreport
            2. 68

               blondepoetposted 14 years agoin reply to this

               Did you say prawns ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I could do with a prawn right now. Haven't had any for a week am in withdrawl lol

               replyreport
   2. 61

      Hokeyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Don't you mean curb?

      replyreport
      1. 68

         blondepoetposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Haha yes curb that's it Hokey, to the concrete curb they go.

         replyreport
   3. 72

      Richieb799posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Best way to be!

      replyreport
      1. 68

         blondepoetposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         High five Richie.Do you like prawns by the way?

         replyreport
         1. 72

            Richieb799posted 14 years agoin reply to this

            I like prawn curry, with the little prawns

            replyreport
            1. 68

               blondepoetposted 14 years agoin reply to this

               Mmmm I love prawn curry too, I try to pick out all the prawns

               replyreport
3. 60

   pddm67posted 14 years ago

   Possibly one of two ways:
   
   1. The trust has to be rebuilt. Then can the healing begin.
   
   2. However, if you find that you can't trust that person again, move on and then the healing can begin.
   
   Each situation is different. Some couples can overcome and have successful relationships while others can't get past it and never regain their trust in each other.

   replyreport
4. 67

   Pearldiverposted 14 years ago

   Damp Grass Seeds scattered throughout a car, handbag or clothes, really works a treat

   replyreport
5. 63

   Mama Sezposted 14 years ago

   Sorry, I don't know, never happened to us, never dreamed of it...It's a definitely a nightmare.

   replyreport
6. 82

   donotfearposted 14 years ago

   I think if the cheating partner, whether having a physical affair or an emotional affair, realizes the damage done and wants to repair it, it can be done. If the other spouse doesn't know about it, I wouldn't advise telling them everything. I'd suggest and encourage working on the relationship and restoring what was lost. In the instance when the other partner is aware the affair happened, I advise to RUN to a marriage counselor: both of them.

   replyreport
   1. 83

      Rafiniposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I agree.  Except, choosing the right marriage counselor ( or any for that matter!) is not that easy.  The couple should discuss beforehand what they want to accomplish through counseling - that way they will be better equipped to understand their counseling experience.

      replyreport
7. 60

   brianzenposted 14 years ago

   The experts say 1 out of three relationships it happens, out of those 2 out of three survive. I was only cheated on once and it was an ex wife with nymphomania. We actually separated over other issues. (not the infidelity) In my case understanding why made it worse though.

   replyreport
8. 61

   Hokeyposted 14 years ago

   I don't cheat. Have been cheated on. It sucks!
   I don't go back.

   replyreport
9. 59

   Black Lillyposted 14 years ago

   As a "retired cheater" myself, I would never stay with a cheater and try to rebuild something.
   That's just insane.

   replyreport
   1. 68

      drej2522posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      why insane?

      replyreport
      1. 68

         blondepoetposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Cause it is insane Dre...
         

         replyreport
         1. 68

            drej2522posted 14 years agoin reply to this

            oh...that sums it up BP!
            
            (shrugs) I'm insane...

            replyreport
            1. 68

               drej2522posted 14 years agoin reply to this

               damn photobucket.com!

               replyreport
            2. 68

               blondepoetposted 14 years agoin reply to this

               I am insane too Dre.
               Isn't it good to be different though?

               replyreport
               1. 68

                  drej2522posted 14 years agoin reply to this

                  I think...

                  replyreport
                  1. 68

                     blondepoetposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                     Don't be modest now.

                     replyreport
10. 60

    europewalkerposted 14 years ago

    Once trust is broken, it's over. Betrayal is something I can't get past.

    replyreport
    1. 68

       blondepoetposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Same

       replyreport
11. 60

    Rozzy88posted 14 years ago

    Restoring the relationship depends on the two of you as a couple. You both need to want it. It's a touchy subject in the sense that there are different circumstances for each case of infidelity. Only you can decide if restoring the relationship is possible. Only you can decide how. The first thing I suggest, is really communicating. I you're the cheater, let your partner cry and scream at you. Don't react, just listen. Sometimes, people just need to explode before they can heal. You need to remember that anger is a secondary emotion. Your partner may seem angry, but that's only because they're probably feeling hurt, confused, betrayed, sad, etc. If you're the one being cheated on, you have the right to ask why and demand the truth as too why. Either way, somewhere along the lines the communication, respect, honesty, and trust in your relationship flew the coop! Both parties have to put their full effort into getting these qualities back. Communication, respect, honesty and trust are the key components to any relationship (I mention it in on of my hubs in more detail). If you're missing one of these components, you don't have any of them. Decide if it's worth trying to restore first. If you believe it is, go for it. If you don't believe it can be restored, do your best leave on good terms.

    replyreport
12. 85

    Marisa Wrightposted 14 years ago

    I think each couple has to find their own way, but I'm not sure it's ever possible to get back to the way it was before.
    
    Knowing that someone has lied to you once, means you'll always have a niggling doubt - every time he comes home late from the office, or answers his phone and walks away to take the call out of your hearing, or says he's going on a business trip, you'll feel a tiny pang of suspicion.  You can suppress that feeling, but it doesn't go away - it builds up inside you and creates unhappiness and resentment.

    replyreport
13. 85

    Marisa Wrightposted 14 years ago

    I knew I'd find a Hub by Veronica on this eventually.
    
    http://hubpages.com/hub/Forgiving_a_Che … _an_Affair

    replyreport
14. 0

    china manposted 14 years ago

    The ability to lie, cheat, steal etc etc is already instilled by the time we learn to speak, it can be turned around, reversed, during adolescence, and in later life some life-changing experince could possibly turn it around.  If he or she can cheat then they can always cheat, do not touch with a very very long stick even.
    
    I am a liar and a cheater who has not lied or cheated for 5 years now - but I found a real angel (who had her wings taken away for thinking rude thoughts) so what do I have to lie or cheat for now.

    replyreport
15. 48

    katieg0505posted 13 years ago

    I can totally understand not trusting someone if they have given you a reason to not trust them, but that is not always the case. A lot of people tend to bring baggage from past relationships into their new relationship and end up taking frustrations out on the new relationship. To some point I can understand how it is hard for a person to learn to trust someone when they've been deceived by loved ones, but there comes a point when you have to learn to put aside the demons in your head and realize your actions are unfair.
    It is a horrible feeling to know that the person you love does not trust you based on actions of a previous lover. In the beginning it's natural for a person to make it a challenge to earn the lovers trust, but it gets tiresome when you have done nothing wrong and still have to bend over backwards for their trust. At times it feels like what is the point? I am still at a loss for how you can prove to the person that you will not do the same, how long it will take to prove it, if it's worth trying, or even if anything you do will be good enough. Not sure, but I guess time will tell.

    replyreport