Ladies - How do you feel if your Husband does this?

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  1. Ratke-Rani profile image61
    Ratke-Raniposted 12 years ago

    Ladies - How do you feel about your significant other watching porn or looking at nude pictures of other women? (Not with you or with your permission or knowledge but by himself in secret.)

    Does it upset you or are you okay with it?

    What do you consider as cheating? Is it only cheating when it becomes physical or are phone/cyber relationships off-limits too? Is it the action or is it the thought?

    1. brielise profile image62
      brieliseposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I'm not married but I do live with my boyfriend. I think the biggest issue, honestly, is that he would be doing it in secret. I hope that he'd at least feel that he'd be able to tell me, although I'd honestly not be 100% okay with it. I understand that it's something guys do, but I'd like to think I'm enough. It would probably make me feel a little insecure.

      I don't consider looking at porn as cheating unless it got way out of hand, like an addiction or something. I would consider phone or cyber relationships off limits. That actually involves communication, not just looking. The action would be the ultimate in cheating, but I think on some level the thought of cheating is nearly as bad. At that point I would think you'd need to sit and talk about what's missing in your relationship.

      1. Ratke-Rani profile image61
        Ratke-Raniposted 12 years agoin reply to this

        That's exactly how I feel. He says I shouldn't feel so insecure- that he loves me. He doesn't do cyber or phone just porn and nudie pics. And it DOES make me feel insecure. I, too, feel that I should be enough. I just had a lengthy discussion with him last night about it and we finally came to the conclusion that he isn't to do it in secret. If he wants to watch, he'll invite me to watch with him. I was just wondering if maybe I was over-reacting by getting upset with it because, yes he is a man and I know many men do this. But it still hurts me when he does. I just wanted to know how other women felt on these gray areas...

        Thank you for your response.

    2. profile image53
      needmorelove2004posted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Sorry but to me that is cheating....the only only difference is they are not touching each other….even the bible says if you have lust in your heart you have already cheated….. I have just became a member of this web site and boy the things I could tell you about my hubby would blow your mind........I know where your coming from and i know how you feel becuz I've been done that way myself.......I've even when as far as implants 2 look prettier and sexier 4 him.....I'm 5"5 and weight around 135......not over wieght but i could tone up a bit that I'm currently working on.....and still the last time we had sex was my b-day back in Nov.......then men wonder why women cheat on them....HELLO....come on men wake up....there was something I once read "the grass is greener on the other side, well if he took the time to watered his own grass it would be greener to"........and you know what i just as guilty as he is about letting everyday life consume us.......i think every couple needs a date night...spend more time 2gether....surprise each other with love note in the shirt pocket or a little note left in the seat of his/her car...and flowers for now reason.....sorry so long hope this helped....

      1. Ratke-Rani profile image61
        Ratke-Raniposted 12 years agoin reply to this

        Thank you for your response. I'm going to show my Husband these responses just to reinforce what I told him that I was NOT the only woman who would have a problem with her Husband doing this.

        That's exactly how I feel. He says I shouldn't feel so insecure- that he loves me. He doesn't do cyber or phone just porn and nudie pics. And it DOES make me feel insecure. I, too, feel that I should be enough.

        I was just wondering if maybe I was over-reacting by getting upset with it because, yes he is a man and I know many men do this. But it still hurts me when he does. I feel that if he's fantasizing about another woman then it's VERY NEARLY the same as actually being with another woman. I just wanted to know how other women felt on these gray areas...

    3. Ratke-Rani profile image61
      Ratke-Raniposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I was also wondering how women would feel about their significant other masturbating to porn or the like?

      1. Pearldiver profile image68
        Pearldiverposted 12 years agoin reply to this

        I think the Vigorous Issue is....

        How Many Reading This Thread are Getting Their Rocks Off! sad

        1. Ratke-Rani profile image61
          Ratke-Raniposted 12 years agoin reply to this

          I don't think anyone is- At least, God I hope not!

    4. psycheskinner profile image83
      psycheskinnerposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      Watching porn is not a "relationship" any more than reading romance novels is.

  2. Disturbia profile image61
    Disturbiaposted 12 years ago

    I divorced my last husband for specifically this reason.  He has an internet porn addiction and also flirts with women in chatrooms, talking them into masturbating for him on their webcams so he can watch.  I have no issue with a man watching porn, going to strip clubs, or even picking up hookers. My issue was that he did this by himself, behind my back, excluding me and making me feel betrayed.  He had "relationships" with many of these women and they would chit-chat about their personal lives.  He manipulate these women by painting a picture of me as a harpy wife who didn't understand him or his needs or desires.  All of which is untrue.  I would have happily participated in just about any type of activity, I have closets filled with lingerie and toys, and have few if any inhabitions, so whatever his problem was, it didn't have anything to do with me.  Eventually it became clear that what excited was what he could get away with behind my back and without my knowledge.  Well, sorry, but that's not my idea of a relationship or partnership.

    1. brielise profile image62
      brieliseposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I have a bigger issue with strip clubs, and especially hookers because, it's more in the flesh, and having sex with a hooker would most definitely be cheating to me. It would be over in a second. The "relationships" to me would make it even more like cheating because without the "chit-chatting about personal lives" it's all about the sex. Once you add the talking, it becomes another relationship. It almost becomes more of a date than a sex or porn addiction because it's stepping it up to another level.

      1. Disturbia profile image61
        Disturbiaposted 12 years agoin reply to this


  3. Randy Godwin profile image61
    Randy Godwinposted 12 years ago

    I feel the same way about women watching soap operas!  Or if they are addicted to all you can eat buffets!  smile

    1. Ratke-Rani profile image61
      Ratke-Raniposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I don't watch soap operas nor am I addicted to all you can eat buffets. And neither of those have nudity, nor do they cause someone to think about having sex with another other than their significant other, or as far as I know. And neither of those are things that someone would have to hide from their spouse. So, I'm not sure exactly you connected those two to the many forms of infidelity.

  4. kkuma01 profile image59
    kkuma01posted 12 years ago

    The truth Ratke is that is doesn't matter what we think or feel. If it is a problem for YOU then you shouldlet him know that and you two can negotiate something that works for both of you.

  5. Simplicity4All profile image65
    Simplicity4Allposted 12 years ago

    I don't think its that big of a deal, guys will be guys and as long as they are only watching it on tv and not seeking it elsewhere behind my back no harm no foul in my book... I also am pretty open-minded though, have a brother and a lot of guy friends so I feel like as long as your not threatened by it for some reason or have a personal issue against it, then its harmless. Who knows sometimes seeing others can make them more into you when your in front of them or you can learn some new moves for eachother.. If its something that really disgusts or upsets you then I would recommend what kkuma said and you should discuss and negotiate other options that fulfill both of your needs. As for porn I dont think that looking at it is cheating but any type of relationship or attachment like cybering or phone sex would be considered unfaithful to me, if they are talking or acting intimately with someone else in any type of way thats a problem to me. So I guess action would be cheating but thinking about it or watching it on tv is harmless. Were human naturally we have thoughts about other people or think someone is attractive but if your with someone you have made a commitment to them and should honor that, if ya can't or want to be with other people Id say work it out or move on.

  6. KCC Big Country profile image85
    KCC Big Countryposted 12 years ago

    I wish I could recall who said this, but it was a quote I heard on TV during the Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky mess.....

    "Cheating" can be defined as ANYTHING you would not feel comfortable doing in front of your spouse.

    To me, that covers it all.  If you're doing something you know will upset your spouse or they won't be understanding about, that is considered cheating, in that relationship. 

    However, that being said, there are things that some people are ok with and wouldn't mind their spouses doing, with or without them knowing about.  Sometimes these things would seem totally "wrong" to others.  It's up to each couple to establish those boundaries.  Once the boundaries are set, anything done outside them is cheating.

  7. passthejelly profile image71
    passthejellyposted 12 years ago

    Is he having sex with another women? No. So it is not cheating. Every human being needs sex on a regular basis and if he is reverting to internet porn then he probably is not getting enough. Although my brother is intimate with his girlfriend several times a day and still watches porn...

    1. Ratke-Rani profile image61
      Ratke-Raniposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      No, it isn't that. I'm actually the partner with the high sex drive, so I'M not getting it enough.  I discussed it with him and he told me he was doing it behind my back because he feels shameful to watch it. He was brought up being taught to feel that way about sex. I told him that it's perfectly normal and many men watch pron because they are visual creatures. I told him I'd prefer him not hide it and that I would actually like to watch with him. I feel if he has to do something behind my back, especially if it's something that he knows will upset me, then he shouldn't be doing it at all and I agree whole-heartedly with KCC's post.  I feel he should feel comfortable enough and trust me enough to at least discuss these things with me. He says he does trust me, but he was taught that watching porn was something married men didn't do (or do with their wives).  The thing that was bothering me wasn't the act of watching the porn itself, it was the fact that he was hiding it and then lied to me several times about it after getting caught.

  8. mega1 profile image77
    mega1posted 12 years ago

    I think some people (of both sexes) need the thrill of feeling they're doing something they shouldn't - rebelling and being bad and getting away with it and all that.  If it isn't sex and porn it may be other things for people who have that personality deficiency or disorder.  They probably need help, depending on how entrenched their behavior is and where they go with it.  It can get very bad and bring about real harm to others.  As a woman I don't think I'd want to feel that my partner had any secrets from me - and if they felt they really needed their secrets I'd truly want out of the partnership - not just porn addictions, but all addictions, make me lose respect for another person.  Now a little healthy lust here and there never hurts - but you can def tell when its gone beyond healthy!

  9. profile image52
    smokeleadstofireposted 9 years ago

    I think this topic is very relevant.  People take vows and then all the different forms of what 'infidelity' is emerges.  Most men rationalize porn, rationalize whacking off as if it takes precedence over all other.  It hurts women not because they are needy, but because all that is done in secret and behind closed doors and its an intimate space where who the fk knows what happens between them and whoever over a cam, text, etc.  But here's the deal, its a ridiculous rationale for being intimate with another.  I have this with my hubs for 20 yrs, I made a vow, about my body and my sexuality with him and all iterations of that , for me, is 'bound' to him gratefully, not leashed.  For dudes, in long term deals, they get real confused about sex.  Suddenly, its just a cup of coffee.  They need it and like sugar and cream.  How can their 'wife' of all people not understand how simple this coffee is to the start of their day?

    I don't want to own anyone, nor babysit anyone.  Monogamy is a very high vibration requiring serious conscious commitment for it is wonderful with the right person for a lifetime.  Don't think you are having a monogamous soul mate relationship w anyone that hides anything, especially if its your 'mate' that you only 'mate' with, cuz they like that model.  You be true to them, or you're a whore like the chicks they whack off to on line.  For them, though?  Honey, its nooooothing.  uh-huh, then stop.  right, its now back to a cup of coffee and what's the big deal?  oops, its not a big deal, its over and done, but then oops, its just coffee.  THEY are mental.

    I prefer to be true to myself, not hear a bucket of garbage from an on-line whackadooing guy that doesn't know basic math in monogamy.  If you think you want to fk her, you do, if you act it out, you are.  My view is own it, call it out and further, if this is how you are, don't marry anyone that isn't okay with that cuz you're just making another beautiful girl mental and then justifying being mental because your girl is mental....and she's mental, why?  cuz you make up bs like this that ur dick gets special treatment (hall pass for porn and other god knows what insecurities).  I don't go on line splaying my wares or inviting others to tantalizing them for some other mental chick's man who is now making her mental while I what?  vibe out on a cam with a stranger?  what exactly is the excitement?  having your phone fkd with cam spam?  having ur computer hosed with spam for erectile dysfunction?  does a bunch of porn invites from fake people actually get anyone going?  something is very very wrong when a dude launches into this lifestyle and then uses a myriad of excuses to justify the lowest level sexuality possible.  I'd rather find out my hubs was gay to be honest as its so ew and ick.   

    I think the dudes that do this, ultimately, are fkg themselves....I have yet to meet one that doesn't slip into the sludge and become a non-variable in their own life, the lives of their children and ultimately in any employer that hires and manages porn-inflicted men.  Each woman aside such a man does finally leave such a man, cuz its a bs rationalization that regards cowardice and monkey-like choices.

    I have a dog, I bought a dog, the dog smells every ass near it, but I didn't marry a dog, certainly would never have babies with a dog, and would NEVER EVER do a dog.  I wouldn't hire a dog.  I wouldn't elect a dog.  I would never go to a college full of dogs...I love dogs, they are cute, but they don't make me mental.  Men that lie, cheat and steal make me mental....thus why we have this wonderful thing in America called choice.  aka Leave that dog.  And if you don't leave him, he better stop acting like a dog and be the man he acted like he was gonna be when you married him.  If he's lucky, he puts his tail between his own legs and comes home, otherwise, that dog is feral and he's gonna bite you in a way that is far more intimate than just an STD on the sacred vajayjay.  Do yourself a favor and love you first and hold yourself as the Sacred Chalice for him, if he can't swing out of it, you saved yourself.  But don't try to put the oxygen mask on him'll get mange.

    1. Kathryn L Hill profile image77
      Kathryn L Hillposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      <"Men that lie, cheat and steal make me mental....thus why we have this wonderful thing in America called choice.  aka Leave that dog.  And if you don't leave him, he better stop acting like a dog and be the man he acted like he was gonna be when you married him.">

      Right on.
      (In other words, I agree with leaving a husband who watches porn.)

  10. peeples profile image90
    peeplesposted 9 years ago

    My only concern would be the secretive part. Naturally I don't want him to make an announcment every time he enjoys some porn, or himself, but since I am ok with both their also shouldn't be a need to hide it. It has nothing to do with infedelity. Anyone who believes that one person is suppose to provide ALL the needs of another person is delusional. If the woman is hurt by a husband who watches porn (unless in secret or it is leading to other issues) it is her problem and she needs to figure out why it bothers her so much.
    Masturbation is a natural thing no matter male or female. Anyone who thinks different has some issues they should work through. Just my opinion!

  11. profile image52
    smokeleadstofireposted 9 years ago

    People ARE as sick as their secrets, period.  Dont be naive.  I was a very open minded girl until i witnessed first-hand the limitations that emerge.  On line porn, not playboy, not even a porn dvd, does the damage.  Do your homework on what takes place...the once in awhile dude that is normal and healthy gets ensnared fast w on line 5 minute click dicking.  It paralyses their normal functions...can you say ED?  This comment IS ur PSA.  Dont believe me, doesnt matter.  But smoke leads to fire and unless you are fully involved, your beloved is getting hogtied, quite literally.  Like men need to be more dense right now?  Its sad.

    1. peeples profile image90
      peeplesposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      Your comments imply that men are incapable of controlling themselves. I have been with my husband for 8 years and porn has been a healthy part of our marriage. He can do his own thing without having to worry about anything. It has had ZERO impact on our relationship. Your comments imply that if a man watches it that he will somehow eventually become consumed with it. All of your comments sound like you had a bad experience, I may be wrong, but please don't assume men are idiots. They aren't and many are quite capable of watching porn and have a positive relationship.

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