Why is it that when couples break-up or divorce, suddenly they are mean, vindictive, and retaliatory towards each other.
They once loved each other passionately and never would have imagined they would behave like that.
I think that by the time you get there someone feels betrayed, abused, neglected... Then you go from that into discussions about division of property, child visitation, alimony, child support, etc. If there is any trust and good will left before papers are filed, it sems likely that this process will kill it. That's my opinion. "Whoever I loved before was a mirage, I now understand who you really are", etc. And in some cases it's true. In others, people just changed or lost their way.
I know mariage can be a beautiful thing long term because I've watched my parents and two sets of grandparents do it successfully. I also think anyone can do it. But in order to pull it off successfully, both person must be more committed to the needs and desires of the other person than they are to their own. That's the model that I've seen work and it's the model I try to emulate now that I'm married for the second time.
I think the biggest issue is that no one wants to accept responsibility for their own actions or inactions. Add that to people feeling guilty for making the decision to end a relationship and what ever left over unresolved issues are still lingering, you get a nasty messy divorce that does nothing for anyone but make them bitter and vengeful. "You hurt me, now I'll hurt you", seems to be the norm for couples who terminate a marriage that they probably should not have had in the first place.
If they got along, they wouldn't need to get a divorce or breakup. I think in some respects, it makes people feel better to hurt the other person, maybe in retaliation of the pain they feel they have suffered.
It just causes more pain and suffering of course, and not a recommended course of action.
I can understand not liking each other, but it's pure wrong in some cases to condemn the other partner to the children. Just because the parents couldn't get along, doesn't give either party the right to undermine the child's relationship with the other parent.
I've never been divorced and have been married to the same man for 28 years and I doubt if I will ever get divorced but in the event thathat will happen, I doubt if vengeance or vindictiveness will come into play. I know i will not be and i know my husband will not be either.
Maybe the love stops but the passion goes on....
When I got divorced (after 14 years) we were good friends but the passion was gone. The process was a snap - I didnt even hire a lawyer. We just split everything up and went our separate ways.
I think you nailed it. The love stops but the passion goes on -- but in a twisted form.
Positive intimacy turns to negative intimacy.
Usually on the part of one spouse who is unwilling to let go.
I think that the reason behind the divorce dictates the type of behavior that one will have during the break-up or separation of belongings. Many have been know to just grow out of love and in agreement with each other that it is the right thing to do and accept it for what it is. However, when there is a specific reason for the divorce such as infidelity, many negative feelings arise and thus take over both parties. One party, as the one that is hurt, may become vindictive in many ways due to the amount of pain they may feel and the other party may just respond to the vindictiveness as a reflex. Either way, divorce is not something to be taken lightly. It is very difficult and many people get hurt in the process, especially the kids.
Divorce is typically over dividing issues that are so deep they cannot be resolved.
Deep-seeded issues sit very close to the heart, and one gets hurt easily. One would also get hurt over the knowledge of a failed marriage. They view their divorcing spouse as a loss; that person they knew is no longer there, and gone forever (in this case, changed forever). As humans, we are vulnurable when saddened, and put on the defense. We get mean.
Oftentimes, children, which are loved unconditionally and equally by both parties, are involved. The prospect of someone taking your child away, especially that person who is no longer the person you fell in love with, can create some heavy emotions.
My parents divorced when I was six. I then watched my father go through an additional divorce. I am of the age now where my peers have gotten divorces. The anger all boils down to pain seeping through the cracks and poisoning the situation. Many divorced couples, even those with children, cannot be caught being in the same room with eachother. They simply cannot coexist. Some even have restraining orders.
Divorce very easily turns into a "family war."
The Divorce Process is the most perfect stage on which to perform the most painful practical jokes!
I was lucky.... I got my lawn mower sent back to me as a divorce anniversary pressie....
I was so happy and immediately fell back into love again
It had taken a whole year to finally get the right tool to cut all my grass...
I was so happy... I just drove non stop for over 500 miles.. just to say thanks!
Until my ex had sent back my lawnmower...
it had been impossible to even get my car out of the driveway...
She had sown a really aggressive grass seed all through the back seat and carpet in my car!
It was the best butt kicking I have ever had in my life!
I'm so lucky that she hadn't planted Bamboo in my vehicle
Mostly because one or both are not adult enough to act in a rational manner. Rather they allow their hate, greed, unhappiness, etc. to control them; to run their lives and actions for them.
To act in a surge of anger is one thing; to do it day in and day out for months or years is quite another and is the mark of a small child, not a grown adult in control of themselves.
by Nira Perkins 6 years ago
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