Hello HP forum users! The Devil has noticed all of your efforts to persecute the loving, rational Christians that God has sent to spread his "word" on an internet writer's site, in the hidden forums, to approximately 50 active participants. He would be remiss not to acknowledge his loyal follower's good work and dedication. As such, he has established the Satan Incarnate Club. Membership is automatic upon fulfillment of each condition. The benefits can be found below:
Levels of Membership
Platinum: You have actually been called Satan, The Devil, Anti-Christ, Satan Reincarnate or Satan in the flesh.
This is our highest level of membership. Congratulations on your efforts, you can feel satisfied knowing your hard work has been rewarded. You are now a member with full benefits.
-Unlimited use of the Pentagram Room
-Three Major Animal Sacrifices (Cow, Horse, Ox, Goat, Spring Lamb) per week. Such offerings will be burnt to your specification.
-13 Minions (To be tattooed with your mark on their forehead)
-Every Judas Priest and Black Sabbath album ever made, pre-loaded on a limited edition blood red iPod.
-A belt of infant skulls.
-1000 shares of MSN stock
You have been called the Spawn of Satan, The Son of Satan, The Hand of Satan, or The Devil's Bride.
Congratulations! You are well on your way to becoming Satan himself. Your contributions to the club are impressive. Your work for the Dark Lord deserves recognition.
-A new Prius
-Two Minor Animals Sacrifices (Chicken, Cat, Sheep, Pig, Dog) per week. These will be burnt to the sacrificer's discretion, but the Chicken comes in either pineapple or Caribbean jerk.
-Two members of Congress (Democrat)
-Your choice of either the "Queen's Greatest Hits" or "Led Zeppelins Greatest Hits" box set preloaded on a jet black iPod.
-7 minions, tattooed with your mark as either a shoulder tattoo or tasteful sleeve.
-Unlimited supply of Jack Daniels.
-500 shares of Huffington Post Stock.
You have been told that you do Satan's work, that you are Devil worshiper, that you are possessed by Satan, that you are Satan's pawn or that you are just plain evil.
Good work! The Satan Incarnate Club recognizes your potential and feels you should be rewarded. We have our eye on you and know you will be moving up the ranks shortly.
-Two Abortion Doctors, under your complete control.
-The Best of Tesla, on CD
-One minion, with a tramp-stamp
-Two Animal Sacrifices, in the form of chicken nuggets, per month.
-Darwin's "Origin of Species", e-book
-A tropical fruit basket
-10 free iced coffees from Starbucks
Thank you again for all your hard work. Your membership packets will be arriving shortly. Just a reminder, the first 100 new referrals get a "Satan Rocks" T-shirt, so spread the word.
I'm both a silver and gold level member already, but I have high hopes on moving up. Do you get extra points if your MOTHER has told you that you're the spawn of Satan?
Your burnt offering is already in the mail, and I'd be more than happy to rub (read: worship) your feet. You just have to magic your magnificent evil self down here. Should be easy for you, right?
Congrats! Each level gives the benefits of both the lower level(s) and the current level.
We have been discussing rewards for specific achievements. I will mention yours at the next meeting to see if we can add it to the list!
Unfortunately, I am too busy with my biological spawn (So young, yet already at Gold Level!) to make long trips right now. I will magic myself as soon as possible though.
Please pass my regards to your beautiful wife. I hope to see her in our rankings one day
Excellent! I became a silver member after writing an article about math facts of the number 666. I love tropical fruits. I'll send my new bestamped minion to retrieve my free coffee.
But I already have all those things, including every Judas Priest and Black Sabbath album ever made. I picked up these things as a teenager. I have to say that while Black Sabbath fought hard against their Satan worshiping fans and their lyrics were pro God.
"Your world was made for you by someone above
But you chose evil ways instead of love
You made me master of the world where you exist
The soul I took from you was not even missed"
"Could it be you're afraid of what your friends might say
If they knew you believe in God above?
They should realize before they criticize
that God is the only way to love"
I can't say the same for Judas Priest, that was mostly about anger and revenge which connected with many teenagers at that time.
As for the Sacrifices, I covered them all in last nights BBQ.
If I happen to be nominated ,,, I respectfully decline.
I'd never again be a member of any club that would have somebody like me as a member.
Woots! Gold and Silver here! Especially Silver....I'm Pagan so, yeah...like a glove! I simply cannot wait to get my benefits. The Jack Daniels and Starbucks makes me giddy, although not together, of course
I'll be delivering the Jack and Coffee myself. *wink* I might even get a tramp stamp on the way
That's awesome, you're such a peach Yes, great idea. A new tramp stamp is definitely in order to commemorate this momentous occasion...tramp stamps all around! And while gettin' branded, we can sip on Jack and sing along to Tesla's greatest hits! I'm so excited! Good times, good times....
Well dang it! If I had foreseen this outstanding offer back in my youth, I could have saved hundreds of $$ on the Black Sabbath collection. And my freezer is jam-packed with chicken nuggets already. Sigh.
I'm only third level so far, and while I would appreciate the tramp-stamped minion, I have to desire to be in the same state as Pelosi.
How can I climb a level or two? Would a human sacrifice, virginal, suffice?
Why the Hell can we get no one to take Nancy Pelosi?
Fortunately for you Wilderness, I can promote you right now. Based only on my whim. Originally, only "True" Christians could assign rank in The Satan Incarnate Club. Unfortunately, we took a poll of over 2 billion Christians and we determined that each one was the only "True" Christian. The paperwork is a nightmare. A last-man standing fight to the death will determine the actual "True Christian", but that's not until Christmas 2015.
In the interim, any contender to the title can assign new members and change ranks. So it is with great pleasure that I grant you the title of Satan Incarnate.
What size belt do you wear?
Belt size is a 32. If it is a headband, a 57 now that it has swelled so with such pride.
Will I get some horns, too? And a forked tail? Oboy oboy oboy! And I don't even have to sacrifice the tramp stamped virgin!
Oh, life is good today.
We had to forgo the baby-skull headbands. We were getting complaints about chaffing. I'll bring the horns up at the next meeting. That's thinking outside the box. We like that.
And the long tail. I want to swish it about, cutting the feet right out from under the self righteous around me.
OK, I made the executive decision on that and went ahead and threw it over to our R&D department. I'm embarrassed to say this, but they are a little green. Here's what they came up with:
I know it's not exactly what you were looking for. I'm going to have them disemboweled and soaked in a vat of lemon juice tonight. We'll see what they come up with tomorrow. Sorry.
Er.....excuse me. I once served as the matron of honor at a same-sex wedding ceremony. Does this count at all?
I think I would have preferred "second best man" or some such, rather than be a bald matron. It just doesn't seem right, somehow.
I should probably get some tutoring on terminology and such as I look forward to attending one, although not as part of the wedding party.
Actually, Wilderness, no one noticed because of the hair piece. Besides, you should have seen the best man. She had less hair than me.
awww, you could have come to our wedding, Wilderness.
Melissa, my wife is too well liked by her christian friends, and not active in internet forums where god has obviously called all his "true" prophets to insult others to be called satan herself. If I call her satan in a dirty way, does that count? She wants to know if being called Bacchus counts, since it's another horned god.
Oh! But she DOES tell me that I'm the devil all of the time. I AM a platinum member.
Sorry, you have to be in the running for the "Last Christian Standing" face off to nominate. I don't see her on the list.
Bacchus would likely count... IF used in the right context by a Christian. Good luck on that one.
Now, if she wants to call me Satan in a dirty way, we can probably work something out. *ducks and runs*
Actually, that was funny. Devon laughed. I don't know if that's a thumbs up or down. Does the Dark Lord have a ruling?
I'll put you in on silver level, Quilligrapher, but you are on probation. I expect to see your level of evilness rise significantly over the next quarter.
Nancy Pelosi is on her way... She got a new tattoo
Nancy Pelosi??? Oh WOW! I’ll be a son of witch. Thanks Melissa.
Do you think we will all have to vote for her before we get to see the tattoo?
Here's an artist depiction. The camera malfunctioned when we tried to get an actual photo.
Eye Bleach! Eye bleach, please!
OMG, she's in fine form tonight, isn't she?!
Ouch! That is too painful to imagine. I have heard that she has a crush on Bill Clinton, so I am expecting a tattoo more like this one….
but I was really looking forward to virgin sacrifice to make it up to platinum level. Damnit.
OK, Julie. I'll take it... Do I get to pick the virgin?
Nice try everyone. All of you are far from Satan Incarnates. You all are as sweet as pie.
Here are some Satan Incarnates, REAL SATAN'S SPAWNS:
Sorry Beth, you can't have Nancy Pelosi no matter how much corny Christian pop you post. Don't worry though, to be in the club all you have to do is disagree with one of the other "True" Christians. They will nominate you immediately. If you disagree on anything big with them... you might even make Platinum!
I am too hispter to join, but could give you a good deal on catering for the next club meeting.
I've written three Hubs about Judas Priest, one about Black Sabbath, *and* I've reviewed a whole mess of horror movies, including at least one with the word "Hell" right in the title. Where would that put me in the Satanic echelon??
1. Were they positive reviews?
2. Did any member of any faith refer to you as Satan, The Devil, The Dark Lord, Lucifer, Beelzebub, Balaam, Samael, Baphomet, or any version of those names?
FatFreddy, you and I can form OUR OWN CLUB, how 'bout that! I also wrote hubs on horror movies, the dark, and several on the sign Scorpio. I also written some horror fiction. Freddy, let's skip this and form our own infernal club!
2. Not here on this site, anyway. Though I have been asked "do you worship Satan?" or "you still listen to that Devil music at your age?" more than once in my life.
...oh, and I was once asked to leave a church confirmation class because I was wearing a Motley Crue concert t-shirt. True story!!
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