When losing someone close, especially unjustifiably, is there ever really "closu

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   IDONOposted 12 years ago

   When losing someone close, especially unjustifiably, is there ever really "closure"?
   
   I hear about people finding missing persons; murderers executed, criminals sentenced, etc. Then, I hear family or friends saying it brings closure. Wouldn,t true closure mean the end of the story but also the end of all memory? Are we capable of closure or is it a catch word that sounds good? I understand "moving on" and "keeping going". But closure? Maybe I just don't understand the use of the word in this case or maybe it's just the wrong word. Make me understand.

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   Poetic Foolposted 12 years ago

   I suppose that would depend on how you define "closure".  I'm sure it means different things for different people.  For me, it doesn't mean there is no more grieving or missing of the lost loved one but simply that their are no more "open" issues to be resolved.  For those who lost loved ones through crime or other unnatural means (auto accidents, work accidents, etc.) often the legal resolution is the last "open" thing and thus provides "closure".  The same thing for people that had disagreements with the loved one that were never resolved before they died.  It makes it difficult to find "closure" when there was an unresolved conflict.  But again, it varies from person to person.  Just my 2 cents worth!  Good question though.

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      IDONOposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Your 2 cents went a long way. The analogy of unresolved conflict really gave me a whole new perspective on this. Unresolved issues can haunt you the rest of your life if they stay that way and you helped me understand that. Thank You.

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   Seeker7posted 12 years ago

   I think when people use the word 'closure' it might well be a catch word or just a word they use to mean moving on. I would think that in their minds they might feel something has happened or changed. If for example a criminal had been convicted for the murder of a loved one, then the family might feel that some kind of ending has taken place because justice has been served for their loved one, and that they can move onto other things. So closure/ending of this part of their trauma might have happened. So perhaps many of them don't use the word closure as in meaning to forget, but use it when an ending has occurred to some part of what has happened. But full closure probably never happens since they will still be left grieving and no doubut feeling other strong emotions towards someone who has taken their loved one from them. Hope this helps a bit.

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   Junaid Ghaniposted 12 years ago

   No destruction occurs before formation. It is just like that. When we lose anything, we assume it as our own previously...!

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   Garifaliaposted 12 years ago

   Hi Ido, well I tend to agree with  "... a catch word that sounds good". In the cases you mentioned above, it might be that by saying 'closure' many people mean a peace of mind. In the dictionary it means... something settled or resolved; the outcome of decision making.....so I'm probably close.
   Your not understanding might come from being an 8 year old............are you a Saint Bernard?

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      IDONOposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Yes. I'm glad you asked. Hagred was my son's St. Bernard that left us a couple months ago. Great dog! Gratiously took abuse from 3 young boys without a whimper. All your answers tell me that I should take down that picture. You know, closure. Thx

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      Garifaliaposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Animals are gratious, well put. They give all their love without judging. Last year I lost both my beloved cats (Yatoula-the mom, Yatoulis-her son). I still think about them and can't wait to be able to move to my village to have lots of cats, 2 dogs

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      Garifaliaposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Don't take the picture down. It's in honour of the memory of a being you all loved.

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      IDONOposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      OK, Gara. I thought about putting up a picture of my son, but Hagred is much better looking! My son will see this, maybe. If so, I'll probably hear about it. Hagred stays!

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      Garifaliaposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      You're very funny. Keep up the great attitude!

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   loveofnightposted 12 years ago

   In my own personal experience I have found that closure is a word  that we say or tell ourselves to encourage the moving on process. I honestly don't believe that there is ever really closure when you love someone and they are gone.In my hub Surviving Death ( http://loveofnight.hubpages.com/hub/Surviving-Death) I shared with my fellow hubbers about the pain of loss and how one parent (me) dealt with it. It is hard to understand why bad things happen to good people, it is merely an ingrediant in life that we all must face from time to time.
   My son was murdered at age seventeen while on his way to a phone booth to call me. A call that was never made and one that I from time to time wait for. Time does not heal all wounds but it can bring you to a place of exceptance. There are things that we have no other choice but to except for the sake of others who may be dependant upon us. I have found that being greatful that I had seventeen years of knowledge as well as memories have helped. I am a better/fuller person because my son (although now gone) showed up on the planet. When I think of him my face smiles because of the love we share; and although tears visit I am still greatful for the knowledge of him........

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      IDONOposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I'm sorry about your son. Your generosity for the sake of others is amazing, but there is a big difference between acceptance and dealing with." Dealing with" is for them ." Acceptance" is for you.

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   paxwillposted 12 years ago

   I suppose it's different for everyone, but closure to me feels more like acceptance. Also, the passage of time can dull the strong emotions attached to memories.  Maybe these people you talked to found closure because the events happened relatively long ago.  The more recent the loss, the less sense of closure you will have I would think.

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   ReneeDC1979posted 12 years ago

   I think people experience closure when they are okay with the loss of a loved one.  I think you go through stages when someone dies: anger, denial, fear, numbness, sadness, etc. and when you get to the point where those traits aren't there, you have closure.  You will always have memories of them, but you will be able to go on living.

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      IDONOposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I agree, but is it possible for the grieving process, with all those emotions you speak of, to begin without closure? I thought closure happened at the beginning or end. Now, I find out it's the middle. It's a bridge from one process to the next.

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   jansharesposted 12 years ago

   From professional and personal experience, I would say that it's a catch word applied most of the time by someone else to the person in mourning. You will very rarely find a mourner who will say, "I have closure." The circumstances of each loss is very individual, especially with unsolved murder, sudden death, or the death of a child. My brother was murdered in 2004, it is now a cold case. I have learned to live with his absence, but the loss is still difficult and I do not have closure. Does it keep me up at night, staring off into space during the day, or unable to function? Not at all. I just don't have "closure." (????)

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      IDONOposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I'm sorry for your loss. You're a strong person, but I detect that you would like closure, whatever that is for you. I say that by your words. Rather than accepting his absence, you are living with his absence and that is painful. Hope you find answe

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    JThomp42posted 12 years ago

    IDONO, I don't understand this word at all. How can one have closure when you think of them everyday? People say with time the pain eases, for me this has not been the case. I just miss them more. Then you have those who say get over it, life goes on. Maybe they haven't felt the pain that some have felt, and to be honest if someone said that to me right now I would probably just lose it on them. There is no way someone can understand or feel the pain unless you have been there and were as close to the person. But, now they are gone forever. No more phone calls, football games, golf, just spending time with your Brother. I've lost two, the first one still stings as badly as the last one. Walk a mile in my shoes? No, I'm too compassionate to allow that.

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       IDONOposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       I hope you can find some sort of peace my friend. Just don't let yourself become a third casualty of whatever took your brothers. Resentments only punish you. Be fair to yourself. I know; easy to say. I'm sure you'll find your way in time.

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       JThomp42posted 12 years agoin reply to this

       Thank you IDONO.

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    IDONOposted 12 years ago

    Thank You everybody. Here is what I've drawn by all of your responses.  Closure seems to be when all facts (truths) are in and are not going to change. When this has happened, you know where you and the situation stand and allows the process of acceptance to begin. Acceptance is impossible if there are any loose ends that could change the big picture. So with acceptance, the grieving process can take it's course and the joy of those good memories can overtake the pain of the loss.
         I hope I have this right, because knowing well that loss is never easy, you have told me this can make it much less painful and moving on happen sooner by not holding on to unresolved issues.
         If anyone has more to add, please do so, because the more points of view, beliefs and opinions, the better for me to understand completely or at least close. That includes if you think I'm off base about this. I can take it, as long as you're gentle. Ha!

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