Please, I need advice and help... I'm at the point of suicide.

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   nala12posted 13 years ago

   I don't quite know how to start this off... So I guess I should start at the beginning.
   
   Without giving too much away, I am a seventeen year old girl who grew up in the 'bad' parts of my city. However, through hard work and dedication I managed to gain a scholarship to one of the best schools in my country and have spent the last 6 years travelling to and from the south side of town to the nice part of town twice a day.
   
   My mother has a mental disorder and my father has anger management problems. My mother has been institutionalized many times before but each time she goes to hospital I feel lonely and abandoned, and I hate spending time alone with my father because of the way he behaves. He is violent towards both my mother and I (that is, when he can be bothered to actually come home.)
   
   I don't have a good relationship with either of my parents. When I was younger, I was raped, and spent many of the following years chasing after boys who wanted nothing more than to use me for sex. I dabbled in drugs and snuck out almost every night. I was drinking and smoking. I hated myself.
   
   When I was about 12 years old, I met at my school (which is a girls only school)a beautiful girl the same age as me and was absolutely infatuated by her. We became best friends and, when I was fourteen, I admitted my feelings for her. We have been together for three years. I feel that I love her very much, but because she was raised in a very different environment to me I feel that we cannot relate on many emotional levels. I know she loves me, but our personalities conflice (I am very headstrong and she is quite timid) and there are situations where I have come second because she is so caught up in pleasing everybody, and meeting everyone else's expectations.
   
   Last year, I made the mistake of telling one of my cousins that I had been raped. That cousin went and told my uncle, who accused me of lying and met with my parents to tell them. I managed to lie to them and say that it's not true at all, and that she must have been making it up. They believed me, but ever since then (it has been 12 months) I have not spoken or seen anybody from that entire side of my family. That was probably the beginning of this downward spiral.
   
   To make things worse, my relationship with my girlfriend began to deteriorate. We have always had trust issues/jealousy problems, and we thought we worked through many of them. However, we developed lots of 'unwritten rules' I guess you could call them, about who we hang out with and the things we do. I know most people would see these restrictions as unhealthy, but I guess it was just easier for both of us to avoid situations that would end up in us arguing. As well as this, I found out that each one of my three best friends at school was nominated for head girl, which has killed me inside. I know for a fact that two of them do not deserve it, and that they suck up to teachers in order to get what they want that try desperately to look like they are good students when I really know they are mean and nasty, and only do the stuff that they HAVE to do. I, on the other hand, participate and volunteer in SO MUCH... I have lost sleep over this. I am racked by jealousy and sadness, and I don't think my reaction would have been this bad had I not already had so much going on in my life.
   
   I need help and advice. I don't know what to do.
   
   Thank you,
   
   Nala12

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      elvimendoza39posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Hey before I say anything back to u I would like for u to email me im 17 n I was raped many times through my childhood n had a bad life growing up I also ended with girls n became attracted to only them. I suffer from depression n im trying to work my way out email me plz I would love to get to know more b maybe if I can help u suicide is not the way trust me I've been there so close to it but there's no point to it

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      elvimendoza39posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      My email is emartinez12.em@yahoo.com

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2. 0

   kimberlyslyricsposted 13 years ago

   seek professional help, suicide is not a joke nor a place for here!  Go get help!

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3. 85

   KCC Big Countryposted 13 years ago

   I do agree with Kim, that suicide is a serious issue and seeking professional help is always adviced.   That being said....
   
   what to do in the meantime.....
   
   You've gone through a lot in a short 17 years and by the words you've typed here, you seem to be a smart girl who is desperately trying to do the right thing(s).  I know this is easier to say when I'm not in the middle of it...but I think you need to relax a bit and realize all of the things that are overwhelming you aren't things that have to be settled today.  Take one issue at a time.  Branch out, make more friends.  Not saying you have to dump your gf.  But, find more people you can trust and confide in.

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   anorexia521posted 13 years ago

   well... ive been at that point before. if you would like to email me and we can discuss it further and i can help you my email is hps021@yahoo.com. please feel free to talk to me!

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5. 71

   ddsurfscaposted 13 years ago

   Think about this, killing yourself is a permanent solution for temporary problems.  A year or two down the line when you look back at this, what seems so desperate to you now, will not be anything to you then. 
   I also wanted to kill myself when I was fifteen years old.  I had been molested, and was horrified, and could not tell anyone about it and was living in a foreign country away from everyone I knew.  I am so glad now that I did not do it, for now I am truly happy with my life.  Be tough, do what you must to get through it for somewhere down deep inside you do have the guts to do just that.  I will say a prayer for you tonight.

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6. 60

   rickyrt44posted 13 years ago

   talk to me please

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7. 60

   rickyrt44posted 13 years ago

   listen to me. I AM NOT TRYING TO BE MEAN i know the school thing is big for you but you are young and have a whole life in front of you. Dont worry about it. i know its hard but in a few years you will forget. you have had it rough sweet heart. there have been others that you could talk to that have been in ur shoes before. i am so sorry about your parents and being raped. thats awful. i know youur heart is broken but your not alone. i am here. i dont know you but i know your pain. we are connected like that. u sound like u have overcame alot already. be proud of that. when you come from the hood and make it, be proud sweetie. u have the chance to get out. in life, we dont always get what we deserve. thats just the way it is. we have to keep our faith and hold our head high. we all have a story. some better than others. i'll tell you what u have. ur on the right path. ever heard opposites attract? they do when u love someone(true love) if she really loves you and you her, ur willing to change whatever to make it work. u have to give and take sweetheart. Every second counts. it might not seem like that now but it does my friend. anytime u need to talk u email me at rickyrt44@hotmail.com i am here for you. anytime, anything u keep ur head high and remember only you can change ur life. nobody else can. i will keep u in my praires. no suicide. please i have been there. and i tell you, i really didn't want to but i blacked out and almost killed myself. honestly so please get away, go talk to God by yourself, calm down and take it from there. lol keep in contact, ricky

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   Urbane Chaosposted 13 years ago

   ...let me tell you something.  I've been where you are - I honestly thought that I would never live to be 19.  I'm not going to go into details, but I can say that I've been through hell and back.
   
   Look, it's not something to take lightly, and definitely not something to joke about.  More than that, it's not something that posting in random forums will help.  You need to talk to someone - in person, face to face.  Nobody is going to be able to help you here, and that's a fact.  We can encourage you, and offer an ear to listen, but that's all that we can do.
   
   When I was 18, I did something stupid and ended up in the hospital for two weeks.. For six months after that, I had to check in every day.  Beyond that, I hurt my family, my friends, and my community. 
   
   It's been several years since I went through all of that, and while the past is never forgotten, I've moved on and lead a life that is both fulfilling and exciting.  There are things that I know now that I would have never learned - feelings that I've felt that I would have missed out on.
   
   If you want life to get better then it will. You don't have to live like this - there are always options.  It's up to you to educate yourself, to make the first step towards recovery.
   
   Whatever you're doing, stop, pick up the phone, and start dialing.  You have a choice to change your life, but only you can do it. 
   
   I wish you the best, and hope to hear that you've made the call.

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9. 52

   nala12posted 13 years ago

   Thankyou for all your advice... I don't feel so alone now.
   
   (By the way, to those who read this, I'm sorry if somehow I've made my post come across as a joke? Please tell me how I've done this so I can change it)

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      Urbane Chaosposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      No, it didn't come across as a joke at all.  The point is to take it seriously.  If you're feeling like this now and don't do anything, then nothing will ever change.  I know, I've been there.  I just started calling help numbers and eventually I found someone who really took the time to listen.  I strongly urge you to do the same.  Trust me, once you start making changes in your life, everything will turn around.  There's better things waiting down the road for you...

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      banzaradiwanaposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Nobody has treated your post as a joke! Try walking in to the "survival of the fittest" gang.All the very best

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    KCC Big Countryposted 13 years ago

    I didn't take it as a joke either.  Urbane has given some great advice.  You're a strong girl.  You should be proud of what you've accomplished in spite of it all.  Good things await you.  Hold your head high and go after them.

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11. 52

    nala12posted 13 years ago

    Thankyou!

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12. 65

    Tusitala Tomposted 13 years ago

    Nala12.  You only have to read what has been said here to know that there are many, many people who feel for you and can sense what you're going through.
    
    Many people have had people close to them suicide.  My own elder brother brother did so when he was a mere seventeen.  He'd be 76 now had he not done so, and have had a full and adventuresome life.   
    
    When I was around seventeen I felt like ending it, too.  I didn't.  Now, at 74 I can look back and know that life is good.
    
    Your feelings will change.  And as a previous Hubber has said, you're a strong girl.  You've got what it takes to have a successful, meaningful life.
    
    And remember, all of those people who responded to you might not know you personally...but the love is there.

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    Mattie Mayposted 13 years ago

    I'm 18 and my life story is very similar to yours.  From personal experience I know suicide is not the answer.  Although the past may be difficult, you can't let it force you to give up your future.  I agree that you should seek professional help.  Having a therapist has helped me tremendously.  I wish you the best of luck and hope that everything works out.

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    Astra Nomikposted 13 years ago

    Suicide is a serious issue, not sure this is the best place to talk about it, as this is a debating area, since that is what forums do. Suicide is not a debate issue for you, you need to talk to someone who knows about this and who can HELP you. You may have all these horrible things that happened to you. So did lots of people. Suicide won't help, and talking about it here will help less. Suicide doesn't solve anything.
    
    I am someone who has lost a female friend to suicide and it affected me, and left a hole in my life. Like you, we were in a relationship. My friend was very absorbed in her problems and had issues, and I would hate for you to have that negative view. You paid scant attention to your achievements and your good points. Why? Don't say you don't have any. You are a human being and you are going through a lot of pain. You are judging yourself. You are putting blame on things and people. Please talk to someone, talk to a friend, there are people who will listen, and advise, and who will not judge. But you have to want that.
    
    There are millions of people who have survived what you are going through. Do you want to survive that too? A human life is way too precious to waste. There are so many other things you can do to make things better.

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