Why do men have a hard time understanding the depth of their words?

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   AnonimusAdviceposted 9 years ago

   A follow up To my "SEXY is not the same thing as BEAUTIFUL" essay

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      wildernessposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      Can't say as they do.  But the right question might be why do women read things into what men say that was never intended or insinuated?

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         AnonimusAdviceposted 9 years agoin reply to this

         Well that is a good question as it does happen frequently as well. With that being said though, there's a great deal of men that also read into things women say as well. Why does anyone read too far into things? Is it because people have these fantasies in their heads of how they wish things would be and they have a hard time separating reality from perception?

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            wildernessposted 9 years agoin reply to this

            Partly.  And partly because people are sloppy with speech, counting on body language to fill in the gaps - body language which is read differently by different people.  Partly because people hear what they WANT to hear instead of what is said (separating reality from perception).

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               AnonimusAdviceposted 9 years agoin reply to this

               Nicely put sir! I like the "plot twist" haha... body language accounts for a huge amount of confusion do to the fact it is interpreted differently by each individual. Also it seems as if you do believe it has something to do with people's lack of ability to compartmentalize reality and fantasy. I'm definitely going to check out some of your pieces, as I would love to see your views on other topics.

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               dashingscorpioposted 9 years agoin reply to this

               wilderness, You made an excellent point. "People hear what they want to hear." Everyone comes to the table with some "baggage" they've picked up over the years. We oftentimes don't know enough about one another to know how they might interpret what we said or we have a different meaning for it.
               
               This is slightly off topic but awhile back I asked the question:
               What does "single" mean to you?
               
               Naturally if you were filling out a job application or any other form and marked "single" it would mean (you're not married) even if you lived with someone at the time.
               
               However some of the other responses I got stated single means you're not in an "exclusive relationship". Another person said it means you're  not dating ANYONE period. So you see how easily people can be confused over just the word "single" based upon their own definition.
               It could mean anything from not being married, to dating but not in an exclusive relationship, to not dating period. Unfortunately most of us tend to "assume" everyone gets what we "meant" whenever we say something.

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                  wildernessposted 9 years agoin reply to this

                  Absolutely.  "Single", as you point out, must be filtered through our own internal "dictionary", and that dictionary is dependent on our experiences and our own local, short term experiences at that.

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   AnonimusAdviceposted 9 years ago

   Oh man! As I've stated before dashingscorpio, I am new to this website and discussions like this with real, honest answers and opinions are so refreshing! This is great! I look forward to reading what you and wilderness write on a regular basis as well as other content from other writers. Thank you to you both!

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   ahorsebackposted 9 years ago

   As a man , I have found that  true honesty  is quite often just a small part of communication , men  and women  are by nature  so different in how conversation originates , women  speak a lot from emotions , deeper ones generally .  And men tend to be more lineal in though , as if they are tearing down an engine or something . LOL ,   Yet both men and women are  strange creatures no ?   To me a woman is  more honest yet  it's harder to understand her intentions or desires , a man communicates from his more macho  elements , pride , ego , and yes hurt , memory , and  control!   I think that if men and women thought , felt and  acted on far more similar lines . Life , love and  living would be a lot less interesting !   Hope this helps...........:-]

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   MonkeyShine75posted 9 years ago

   Real life-I heard a man say that a particular woman had led him on, and when he asked her out on a date, she turned him down. He said it was so hard to trust the feelings of a woman.
   
   When we asked what she did to lead him on, he said "She smiled at me every time I ate lunch there" (Where she worked)
   
   Talk about reading something into nothing..female, and male, women, and men just see things differently.
   
   A woman usually won't spend her time with a man she doesn't like that much, so she thinks others must feel this way too. so if you are spending time with her, she probably thinks you are very interested in her.
   
   A person may think you are just having a hard time expressing the feelings, they think you have for them.

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      dashingscorpioposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      MonkeyShine75, You bring up an excellent point!
      This is one of the reasons why deplore so many articles that start off with "10 Signs He or She is (into) You!"
      Signs are a substitute for old fashion communication!
      
      People have bought into the various "Jedi mind tricks", "Learning to read code/subliminal messages", and purchasing scented pheromones to attract one another in order alleviate the fear of being rejected!
      
      One of the reasons why so many people aren't friendly towards one another is because they don't want anyone to think they're romantically interested in them! However now that everyone is pretty much aloof towards one another in the event someone does smile and offer a warm greeting there is an assumption they're (attracted) to you! LOL!
      
      However I do disagree with your assertion that women won't spend time with a man she doesn't like. Truth be told many women have (married) rich men they didn't love! Some women would rather have financial security.
      
      Men don't usually offer to spend their hard earned money on women whom they find physically unattractive. They assume if a woman says yes to a date then she (must) also be physically attracted to them. Wrong!
      
      It's not uncommon for a woman to accept a date proposal from a man simply because there was nothing else on her calendar and she wanted to go out. Oftentimes it might have more to do with the concert, play, or event.
      
      Both sexes are guilty of "reading into something" or making assumptions based upon their reasoning logic. In other instances they simply choose to (ignore) what a person actually tells them.
      "He said {this} BUT what did he (really) mean?" LOL!

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         MonkeyShine75posted 9 years agoin reply to this

         You're right, I should've said a "sincere" woman won't spend time with someone she doesn't like that much. Of course there are women, and men who use others, but I'm speaking of regular people who read more into a simple gesture. than is meant
         
         Dates don't imply a relationship, dates are for fun, so I see nothing wrong with going out with someone you're not attracted to, as long as you make it clear that it's just dating, and nothing more

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            dashingscorpioposted 9 years agoin reply to this

            You said: "dates are for fun, so I see nothing wrong with going out with someone you're not attracted to."
            - Therein lies the difference between men and women!
            
            A man asks a woman out because he IS (attracted) to her!!!
            He's not going to spend $100 or more just for FUN or to kill some time.
            There is a reason why he asked (you) out and not another woman.
            
            If a guy just wants to blow some money having a "good time" he'd go out with his (male) friends. Granted no man who wants to have sex with you will come out and admit eventually (he is hoping to do so) at some point.
            
            To get the truth you'd have to ask your brothers, father, male cousins, or a "true platonic male friend": What motivates men to ask women out?
            
            On some level I believe a lot women know the answer is physical/sexual attraction! However they deny this knowledge in order not to feel bad for allowing a guy they're not attracted to, to spend his money on them.
            If women only went out with men (they were attracted to) there would be fewer people ending up in the "Friend Zone"
            
            To any woman reading this I want you to know if a man asks you out for a date it's because he IS {physically attracted to you}!
            
            I have no reason or motive to lie to you. What you do with this knowledge is up to you. However please don't kid yourselves into believing he'd ask(any woman) to go out just for the sake of having "fun".
            
            All relationships start off as "just dating". It's through having multiple dates that we decide if we want to have an "exclusive relationship".
            It is essentially wasting a man's time and money when a woman chooses to go out with a guy she's not attracted to and would never consider entering into a relationship with. 
            
            If you're not attracted to him turn him down.  You'd be doing him a favor!
            Agreeing to go out on a date with a man gives him "hope".
            
            One man's opinion!

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               MonkeyShine75posted 9 years agoin reply to this

               Thanks for informing me, I didn't know this. I have a lot to learn, but I am young, so give me time

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                  dashingscorpioposted 9 years agoin reply to this

                  I'm just here to help!

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   Aime Fposted 9 years ago

   "You said: "dates are for fun, so I see nothing wrong with going out with someone you're not attracted to."
   - Therein lies the difference between men and women!"
   
   Definitley not. I would never go on a date with someone I wasn't attracted to and I don't know any women who would. Dates imply romance, and if you're not interested in romance with someone then you don't go on a date with them. Woman or not. The view expressed by MonkeyShine regarding dating someone you're not attracted to is very unusual, in my experience.
   
   If you're not attracted to someone but want to have fun with them, you hang out with them as friends and make it clear that it's as friends.

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      dashingscorpioposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      Aime F. I agree with what you've said but MonkeyShine75 is not alone!
      
      There are many women especially college aged ones or younger who put more emphasis on the "activity" or "dating event" itself than they do with the motivation of why the (guy) asked them out.
      
      For many of  them this may even go back as far as having a date for "the prom" where the intent was for a group of girlfriends to mingle and have fun and the guys may have been nothing more than a "necessary prop".
      
      In most instances I believe the vast the majority of women don't go out with men just for the sake of filling up an empty calendar or beat the boredom of staying home. However there are quite of few women who have no problem allowing men to take them out to dinner, a play,  or concert knowing full well they have no romantic interest in him and (never will).
      
      The date was "just something fun for them to do". I've known women who used to brag about going out to nightclubs and never having to buy their own drinks! They see nothing wrong with "allowing" men to spend their money on them. However they (act) "shocked" when a guy asks for their phone number or possibly attempts to kiss them.
      He was attracted to them all along and they knew it!
      
      The gender difference is men believe women are saying yes to dates or allowing them to spend money on them because there is a (mutual) attraction.
      
      Guys don't want to believe women will let just any man take them out or spend money on them and a lot of women (don't want to believe) most men only offered to take them out or buy them drinks because they were physically attracted to them! Both genders are being naïve!
      
      There is also a small group of women who know full well what a man's intentions are and will gladly let them spend money on them as they laugh behind his back with their girlfriends. Once they become tired of dealing with them they finally have the "All we can ever be is just friends" talk with the guy. Welcome to "The Friend Zone"!

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         MonkeyShine75posted 9 years agoin reply to this

         We were both posting at the same time, and we both mentioned the prom
         we're in sync
         You're right, it's the event, and the activity we go out for

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      MonkeyShine75posted 9 years agoin reply to this

      My dictionary defines a date as: "a social or romantic appointment or engagement"
      It doesn't just include romantic time spent with someone.
      Before a prom for instance, you can take someone you like, but are not attracted to.
      I guess if your intentions are solely to find love, then your dates would be romantic
      I'm not looking for love at this time in my life
      I guess because of our age difference, our way of doing things is different.
      I know many girls on campus who date just for fun, nothing else, and it's not unusual

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         Aime Fposted 9 years agoin reply to this

         I didn't have that mentality when I was your age (which, for the record, was only 4 years ago... ). Perhaps it has more to do with location. I've never known anyone to date someone they didn't have a romantic interest in, whether they were 18 or 35.

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            MonkeyShine75posted 9 years agoin reply to this

            Four years can make a big difference. Think about the difference of an 11 year old, and a fifteen year old.
            I don't think it has anything to do with location, but rather what you are looking for in life.
            My education, and career come first, so when I date it's only for fun.
            You must hang around people who are looking for love, so they'll act differently from me, and my peers

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               Aime Fposted 9 years agoin reply to this

               A romantic relationship doesn't have to mean love. I'm saying that maybe our culture dictates what a "date" means. I've gone for lunch countless times with male friends but I'd never call those dates because we were having fun and spending time together as friends, not people exploring a potential romantic relationship.

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            MonkeyShine75posted 9 years agoin reply to this

            If dating isn't for having fun, or love, but is for romance, with someone you're attracted to, by putting it together it sounds as though you're saying, it's for being intimate
            Is that what you're saying? If so, no wonder you have to be attracted to them
            I don't allow people to use me that way, and having fun is enough for me

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               Aime Fposted 9 years agoin reply to this

               Okay, so what is having fun on a date to you? Spending time with a guy who you're not attracted to, who you have no interest in persuing a relationship with, while they pay for your meal and activities? I sure hope you at least tell them beforehand that you're not attracted to them and not looking for a relationship.
               
               And I'm not saying dating can't be fun, I'm saying that in my experience a date requires at least a little bit of interest in exploring something romantic, whether that be something casual that has potential to turn into something more serious, or hooking up, or love. No romantic interest or attraction = friends = not a date, in my opinion. But hey, as long as the guy you're dating knows there's no hope of something romantic, to each their own.

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                  dashingscorpioposted 9 years agoin reply to this

                  It would be funny if a girl told a guy:
                  
                  "Let me be honest with you. I think you're ugly and you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of EVER kissing me let alone having sex.
                  Having said that if you want to wine and dine me for (fun) have at it!"
                  
                  Odds are no woman would ever tell a guy that! (Even if she's thinking it!)
                  And I imagine very few guys would find that approach enticing.
                  Cowardly guys might roll with "friendship" hoping things will change. When a woman accepts an offer for a date a man believes there is "hope"
                  
                  Accepting dates from men and allowing them to spend money on you when you have absolutely no attraction or romantic interest in them is using them. I suppose some women spell the word men - F.O.O.L.S.
                  
                  Women would never risk being rejected by men they weren't attracted to.
                  Nor regularly spend money on men they weren't romantically interested.

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                     Aime Fposted 9 years agoin reply to this

                     My thoughts exactly.

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                  MonkeyShine75posted 9 years agoin reply to this

                  I don't really date. I may go to a movie or dancing on date night (on campus), but nothing more.
                  I won't put myself in a position to screw up, not my education, and career
                  No one could ever spend enough money on me to make me feel pressed to have sex to pay him back, wow !

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                     Aime Fposted 9 years agoin reply to this

                     I didn't suggest that you should feel pressured to have sex... I suggested you straight up tell a guy if he's paying for your stuff that you're not interested in anything romantic. If you do, cool. If you don't, you're leading him on.

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                        MonkeyShine75posted 9 years agoin reply to this

                        Please read my last paragraph here
                        http://hubpages.com/forum/topic/128296#post2704488

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                           Aime Fposted 9 years agoin reply to this

                           You might want to add some extra clarification that "just dating" means "just paying for my stuff while we hang out as friends/acquaintances."

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                              MonkeyShine75posted 9 years agoin reply to this

                              We're on campus, what is paid for is exceptionally cheap. If they are paying I don't have to tell them they already know. I don't need anyone's money, except my dad's.
                              I don't use anyone. Whether it's a date, business dinner, or a friend, there is a rule that the one inviting you pays the bill. It is their choice. If we decide to go together, and no one invites the other to a function then we pay for our own
                              If a guy expects the girl to split the bill, he needs to let her know before the date
                              Most of us know none of us has much money, and that most of the money we do have comes from our parents, so no one is judged on how much we do or do not spend.
                              How did you do things on campus, I'm assuming you are out of school by now, but it couldn't have been much different.

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                                 Aime Fposted 9 years agoin reply to this

                                 Yeah, there are definitely some cultural differences here because I would never expect a friend (or anyone, really) to pay the bill just because they invited me. A date would usually offer and in that situation I would accept, but if it were just a friend or co-worker I wouldn't let them pay for me.
                                 
                                 I am still in university and on campus four days a week, though I've finished my undergrad degrees so it's definitely a different vibe. How did I do things when I was an undergrad? The same way I'd do things now if I were still single, which is not agreeing to go out on a date with someone if I wasn't interested in them romantically. I actually asked a group of my friends about this last night and they all said they can't imagine dating someone they know they aren't attracted to. They were all female, and I'd actually be really interested in hearing what some of my male friends thought about this. I have a feeling they'd say something pretty similar to what dashingscorpio has been saying.

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                                    MonkeyShine75posted 9 years agoin reply to this

                                    You need to tell this to those who bought me dinner, took me dancing, and to the movies. I never ask people to pay my way, they just do. If they think it's going to get them anything, that's their mistake. I'm a student, not a hooker, least of all a dinner, and movie hooker

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                  MonkeyShine75posted 9 years agoin reply to this

                  We just think differently, you, and I, and the GUYS I go dancing with on campus date nights, know I'm not interested in more. I had one guy who stated his interest in me once,  and I privately, and very kindly explained why we could no longer socialize again on that level. I don't like letting anyone down, but I hate letting myself down least of all

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                     dashingscorpioposted 9 years agoin reply to this

                     MonkeyShine75, I hear what you're saying.
                     However I think there are a lot of women who bury their heads in the sand when it comes to WHY a guy asked (them) out. If a man thinks you're "butt ugly" odds are he is not going to ask (you) out!
                     
                     Men approach women whom they are (physically attracted) to.
                     One of the reasons so many people silently stay in the "Friend Zone" is because they fear your actions: "I privately, and very kindly explained why we could no longer socialize again..." (Everyone hates being rejected).
                     
                     Their belief is if they can continue to be your "friend" then maybe one day you will come to see them as a romantic interest. They're accepting your friendship as a "consolation prize" in order to remain in your life and keep their hopes alive.
                     
                     In fact some young women will tell guys they want to establish a friendship (first) before considering whether or not to enter into a relationship.
                     
                     Also a lot of young men lack the courage to come forward with their honest objectives. Sadly this makes it easier for women to delude themselves into believing that men love to spend money on women just for the (fun) of it. 
                     
                     Ask any man why he specifically chose (you) to ask out on a date and not some other girl. Odds are he'll admit in a round about way he is attracted to you. If he didn't think there was something "special" about you he'd go out with anyone who crossed his path. Everyone has a dating/mate "selection process". You were chosen because he was attracted to you or you look like the "type" of woman he wants to be involved with.

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                        MonkeyShine75posted 9 years agoin reply to this

                        I've never been described as "butt ugly" but I guess it depends on who's looking at me

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   MonkeyShine75posted 9 years ago

   College students view on dating:
   http://www.studentadvisor.com/questions … ng-college

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   AnonimusAdviceposted 9 years ago

   I agree with Dashingscorpio for sure. Men ask women out if they are physically attracted first and foremost. Recently I found myself in a pickle based off of this. Physically this young lady I began seeing was incredible, and the relationship began on a physical note, and continued that way for months. we only went to a restaurant to sit down and eat 3 times, and the only time we met up was after I got home from the office. We ordered in, watched Netflix or Hulu Plus and then had sex. That was the routine and there was no substance to the relationship. We nevwr had the conversation about being together exclusively, and then boom!!!! She sprung the "I'm falling for you. I'm in love" comment. I was speechless and although we had spent multiple nights a week having sex for the past 4 months, when I thought about my feelings toward her, there were none. I was blinded by the physical attraction we shared, and genuinely felt bad for her when I could not bring myself to utter the words back. She questioned me about my feelings and afterward stated that I lead her on. Is that fair to say? We never had a single conversation about where things were headed or what we were and then out of nowhere she springs this on me?! I felt like this was a case of someone reading too far into things. Am I wrong?

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      dashingscorpioposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      No you didn't lead her on!
      Whenever two consenting (adults) get together have sex multiple times per week it's not unusual for someone to make an "assumption" that you are in an exclusive relationship. They base this upon the frequency of times you get together. For some people staying home ordering in food and watching movies together is a very intimate experience. This is how they'd imagine being married or living together would be.
      
      If you're together just about every weekend and a night or two during the week she assumes you must not be seeing anyone but her based upon your available free time. Therefore she decides to only see you.
      
      Some folks will say you should have kept telling her or reminding her that this was a "friends with benefits" arrangement. I however feel the onus is on the person who wants to make changes  in the arrangement to speak up. Awhile back I wrote a hub that ties into this scenario. Assumption is no substitute for communication nor a way to avoid having "the talk". http://dashingscorpio.hubpages.com/hub/ … ndmonogamy

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         AnonimusAdviceposted 9 years agoin reply to this

         That is exactly what I was thinking. I didnt feel like I lead her on in any way. We never had "the talk" and we were having a lot of fun.

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   dashingscorpioposted 9 years ago

   I believe just want you to know that when a man spends money on you it's because he's attracted to you. Accepting this as a fact some people would consider you "using" men by allowing to spend their time and money on you when you know you have zero interest in them! Romantic interest doesn't necessary mean having immediate sex. They may want to full on relationship. A hooker actually puts out for money!

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