I'm afraid to write another hub

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   Paradise7posted 14 years ago

   I've begen a series-- 
   a "A Story of My life Series"
   I'm weirdly afriad to continue it....it's starting to get to close to the bone...I have to lose my neutral stance shortly...it will be better writing, IF I can actually do it...tell me, tell me all you precious writers out there, how you feel...

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      Justine76posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      do what you can when you can...I know EXACTLY what you mean.

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         Paradise7posted 14 years agoin reply to this

         JUstine, I LOVE your writing, you get it out there, no hesitation, no apparent holding back...I just love your writing SO MUCH, I wish I could do that and I just hold back...

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            Justine76posted 14 years agoin reply to this

            you have no idea how hard it is to push publish.....
            
            thank you soooo much. Im just saying, I get it. And if its too much to wade back thru again give it some time. When you can, you will.
            
            Perhaps your reasons for writing are different then mine too. I need to stop the thougths from racing aorund in my had, and writing helps. When I am writing, its exhausting, its like living it all over again, but then, its over and I feel better. And sometimes I need weeks off... Im sure its not like that for everybody.
            
            Do what you want, at your own pace.

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               Paradise7posted 14 years agoin reply to this

               Thank YOU so much for your words of encouragement...your life is so fascinating, even more difficult in many ways than mine, but it has made you SO Strong!!!!

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      H.C Porterposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      You will write it when you are ready- it took me many hubs to get what I needed out-out, and although there are a few of my hubs I have cried and struggled through sharing-the end result was, i felt as if I could breathe and not hide who I am (which was very new for me). The fact that you are even attempting to take the step is wonderful, but if you are not ready, dont force it, the time come when you are 

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         Paradise7posted 14 years agoin reply to this

         I like your writing, too, HC.  I wonder if that's what I'm really going for, that genuiness...I don't have the words for it and I don't know if I can do it myself, but I'd certianly like to...I follow it in the  writing here on HubPages, at least now that tax season is over with...

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            H.C Porterposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            have you ever just sat and wrote what is on your mind/heart without paying attention to the way that it comes out on the paper?
            Sometimes when I am having trouble organizing my thoughts, I do this-it gets it all out and I can then clean up the formalities of the writing later (or not). reason I say this is it may be a good way to get started on letting out what you are holding onto- it will be your words, and even if you are not ready to publish it or if you want to improve upon the writing later, you can go back to it-but it can help you get started?

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         Justine76posted 14 years agoin reply to this

         breath again. yup. 

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      cosetteposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      
      
      i know what you mean Paradise. when you start to drill down, all these powerful feelings long dead begin to awaken. which is why writing like this is such a lengthy process. it's not easy. i am still working on my memoirs. i got to chapter 11 and had to stop, and there it sits, silently waiting for me to pick up the reins again.
      
      baby steps, that's the only advice i can give.
      
      p.s. as far as hubbing goes, if you want to put your story in a hub, just write it but leave it unpublished until you feel completely safe. personally i won't be turning my story into a hub but that is just my preference. good luck with your own story.

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         Paradise7posted 14 years agoin reply to this

         All my favorite writers are replying to this hub....you have that quality, too, Cosette, that genuine feeling...I love it so much, I feel so silted, i can't write like you can...

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            cosetteposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            my god Paradise i think you are a swell writer!

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               Paradise7posted 14 years agoin reply to this

               I'm not though, really I'm not... I'm really just an accountant and tax preparer, in REAL life... I don't know the first thing about  writing, not hte way you do it, or many others...I
               ...
               do the best I can, but I know there is a ....
               
               difference!

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                  Justine76posted 14 years agoin reply to this

                  HA HA HA!!!!!!! 
                  
                  do you know how many times people have said..oh your such a good writer and Ive said..WHAT?!!!??? Im jsut ME?..little old silly me?
                  
                  I think all writers have such HUGE emotions and thoughts and they think its never coming out right...

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                     Paradise7posted 14 years agoin reply to this

                     you're nuts not to think you really are a writer...Much love from Paradise, Justine...you show us all the way...

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                     H.C Porterposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                     that is funny. You think like I do about my work here
                     the first time someone here told me that they admired my writing or that the fact that I (a pro) decided to follow them was a honor -really confused the hell out of me.
                     I seriously thought I was being teased in a sarcastic manner-so I stayed away for a few days.
                     LOL,
                     I look at my writing and think-oh well, better luck next time...I see so many great writers here, it is somewhat intimidating
                     i Have a hard time imagining why someone would ever admire me or anything I write...

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                        Justine76posted 14 years agoin reply to this

                        this is my third me. my first one felt so odd wandering aorudn teh amzing talented writes...liek i wasn towrthy ot read their stuff,let alone comment...
                        
                        I kept thinking "any time now, someone will say 'silly girl, hubs are for grown ups'". I wrote that in my profile and Im still sort of stuck on it. I do feel like I have every right to be here now, but I honestly dont think any artist of any medium, ever feels as though thier work came out how they imagined.

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                           H.C Porterposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                           My husband asked me the other night if I thought I was a good writer and I just stared at him.
                           I write a Romance Column, I write a Parenting Column-as well as I am contracted through a website development company to write content-and I still looked at him and said, I dont know? Maybe?
                           I told him I fear that people are just being nice so they dont hurt my feelings-but pretty soon I am waiting for that comment that says-HA HA Jokes on You, you really suck! Go Back to elementary school and start over.
                           i guess you are right-as an artistic minded person/ you are never truly sure of yourself and always want to be better-never thinking you are good enough to hang with the rest...

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                              Justine76posted 14 years agoin reply to this

                              dont you HATE waiting around for the big joke? the "carrie" ending? the ..you idiot, you thought we lIKED you? If it helps any, Im not liar, I like your writing.

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                                 H.C Porterposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                                 story of my life... I am waiting for that ending with my relationship, my photography, my drawings, my writing, my choice of clothing... I dont believe i hold 100% confidence in a single thing that I apply myself to in this life?
                                 Damn bullies growing up---still carrying that crap around,  lol!
                                 
                                 Thanks, I do enjoy your writing as well my dear 

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                                    Justine76posted 14 years agoin reply to this

                                    is it bullying to punch a bully?

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                           Paradise7posted 14 years agoin reply to this

                           JUstine, you know really...loook at your HubScore, My Girl,, look how many , many faithful followers you have like me...it isn't nothing that draws us...it's your talent, and your life, and your gift for putting your life's experiences into words...

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                              Justine76posted 14 years agoin reply to this

                              look at your own score!!
                              Im saying how I felt at first, ive gotten better then I was. this "place" has done wonders for my confidence!
                              
                              some peopel go thru a lot as children and it never fully goes away, but it can be dealt with.

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                        Paradise7posted 14 years agoin reply to this

                        You really, really are  a good writer.  HC, you've mastered the syntax and that's important:  you can say everything you want to say in clear, decent English, that's not only readable but enjoyable to your fellow man, that makes you a writer, and a fine  one in my book...what other criterion s there?

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                  H.C Porterposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                  Your writing is very good-and it is truthful and sincere from within you, that are what makes you good. Each Huber writes a little different, some tell great stories but have horrible sentence structure-but I still read what they write, because I can see/feel them through their writing, which is why I read your hubs... I too believe you to be a great writer, and you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself or compare your technique to others, just be you (cause that is what makes you special and worth reading)
                  
                  -I feel somewhat like a passage from a Self Help Book???

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                  Rochelle Frankposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                  JUST an accountant and tax preparer!! Mygarsh! I could not do that to save my life. I'm so thankful for TurboTax-- and mine is easy.
                  None of us know the first thing about writing-- even those who write for a living. If we did we would all be rich and famous and win the Nobel--- or is it Pulitzer, or some other prize and by hounded by the annoyingly devoted fans and photographers.
                  Writing is a process, we learn as we go, one word-- one letter at a time. Learn from others , but don't compare yourself to others you writing is as unique as you fingerprint and DNA-- the difference is, it is not unchangeable. It evolves.

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                  Friendlywordposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                  I'm like you. I'm not a writer. I just play one on Hubpages. But I write about what matters to me. And people like it or hate it.

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      Rainbow Prideposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I just took a look at a few of your hubs, Paradise. You are an excellent writer and there is no reason to be afraid to write another hub.

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         Paradise7posted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Thank you so much...I don't think I deserve your praise...

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      Friendlywordposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      DO YOU LIKE WHO YOU ARE? DO YOU WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW HOW YOU GOT TO WHERE YOU ARE? CAN YOU PROUDLY ANSWER QUESTIONS 1 & 2?

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         Paradise7posted 14 years agoin reply to this

         NO, not really,  I think I've failed...

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            Justine76posted 14 years agoin reply to this

               failed what?

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      Marisa Wrightposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Paradise7 - if it's that close to the bone, perhaps it's a good idea to pause and give it some thought.
      
      Remember, you're not just writing for the people you know at HubPages.  Put it on a Hub and millions of people can read it. Are you sure you want to display your innermost thoughts and secrets to the whole world? 
      
      There have been cases where people have done that and regretted it, especially when it has impacted on other people in their lives.

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         Rochelle Frankposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         This is an extremely important fact to keep in mind. Read the above advice again... and again.

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      Stevennix2001posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      it's okay paradise.  you don't have to write it right away. just do whatevers in your heart, and i'm sure you'll know the answer.  if it makes you feel better, i know EXACTLY how you feel. i used to write a couple of hubs on my life too on here, but i stopped because they were getting too close exposing too much about me that i wasn't ready to let others know yet.  therefore, i can completely understand where your coming from.  if i were you, i'd probably take a few days or even weeks to think about it, and collect your thoughts on this.  anyway, i hope that helps.

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      Deborah Sextonposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I just read a couple of your hubs and really liked them.
      Don't stop...

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      dario415posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      If your going to be a writer you have to able to put it all out there. You want your readers to know who you are even if you havent met them. This is your way to introduce yourself to the world. Your going to get close to that bone. Its makes you feel uncomfortable. But thats just part of being human,getting to know how we act and feel and being compatable with it.
      Dont be afraid let it out and unleash it to the public. We need something new................Open up your curtains and let the sun it..
      Good luck

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   I*n*v*i*c*t*u*sposted 14 years ago

   I can only say that I agree with what has been said.
   
   I understand and really, I understand if you feel the urgency to do another before it is time.. they say timing is all. I had that piece about secrets they keep.. did not plan to write a sequel , yet everyone wanted one... you know what? I did not..although I would have loved to maybe in future..
   
   
   Just be YOU, Paradise.. sorry  have not been around.. love your stuff!
   
   Do what feels right

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      Paradise7posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      You, my friend, are the favorite poet, maybe except for the emperor of ice cream, my very favorite poet of all time,..and I don't know how you do it, as far as I know it's magic...the magic in you....

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         Paradise7posted 14 years agoin reply to this

         I know you know th ereference to Wallace Stevens...

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   KCC Big Countryposted 14 years ago

   "They" say.....whatever you fear, or evokes the greatest emotion is where the secrets are.  Most turn around when it gets to that point.  I say, kick the door in.  Tackle the emotion (good or bad) as it arises.  Like others before have said, you don't have to hit the publish button until you're ready. 

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      Paradise7posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I love your adivce I only hope I can take it and be true to it, I also love the fact you're Texas...It's so TeXas, what you'e saying, kick the door in...I may just do that, and then...
      
      
      It's about me and my sister when we were little...She protected me, though she didn't love me (I was an insufferable child..both too smart and too dumb for my own good...but to her, I was her baby, in lieu of our mother, who really didn't seem to care, so long as her meal ticket wa in place and her nest was feathered....)
      
      It's also about the one true love on my life, who was arrested for indecent exposure to a minor...and I always thought he was such a modest man, one who I agreed with, one who he and I always thought so alike on problem-solving issues, one who I loved with my whole heart.
      
      there is so much hurt...I don't know if I can stand it.....

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         Justine76posted 14 years agoin reply to this

         you already did stand it.
         
         Its up to you, if you want to do it, do it at yor own pace. If not...then dont. No one will judge you.

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            Paradise7posted 14 years agoin reply to this

            Justine, I stood it because I had to, not because I wanted to, there's a difference...mabe what I got in the end, all that bad news, was what I was born for...

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               Justine76posted 14 years agoin reply to this

               Im just saying, you survived it, you dont have to survive it again. BUT if its still wonking around in yor head and niggling at you in your sleep, writing it out can help, you will get thru it. You do not have to show it to anyone ever.

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               H.C Porterposted 14 years agoin reply to this

               i do know what you are feeling- and I know your struggle, and exactly what you mean when you say I stood it because I had to. I have been there, and if you can not go back there just yet-dont. Pain-Acceptance and understanding will all run their course.
               I really do suggest sitting and writing with no pre-expectation of yourself to publish a thing-just write what happens to come to mind when it does-pay no mind to how much sense it does or does not make.

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                  Justine76posted 14 years agoin reply to this

                  what she said!!!

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               KCC Big Countryposted 14 years agoin reply to this

               I love the comeback that "you've already withstood it".  That's dead on.  Think about it, what could be worse that living it? You already did the hardest part.  You lived it and survived it.  Stand proud as you kick the door in.  You are braver than you get yourself credit for.

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                  Paradise7posted 14 years agoin reply to this

                  Thanks, KC...I'm slowly finding the guts...

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                  Justine76posted 14 years agoin reply to this

                  your too cool KCC.
                  
                  now I miss laughing mom again...

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                     KCC Big Countryposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                     Thanks, I miss her too!

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         I*n*v*i*c*t*u*sposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Believe me, Paradise.. I am so gratefyl you have posted this topic!  I agree with KCC, at least write it and you do not have to publish it if you are not ready! I am feeling that some great reasons for writers block is stopping the flow of things.. that may be a known.. I do not consider myself amongst them, yet, we are all writers and you are so true to your heart as me.. So, I can say... stopping the said story actually stopped Me! ( inspiration wise)
         So I hope that helps and KCC helped me see that I shall create a story (even if not published)
         
         BTW, I have a MADD stalker here.. not the reason why I have not been publishing, yet I have an account elswhere... I will email you comment there until this criminal is put to rest! hahahaha]
         
         He does not realize the scouts are on and the motion in place!

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            Justine76posted 14 years agoin reply to this

            oh brother, thats still going on? sorry to hear it. 

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               I*n*v*i*c*t*u*sposted 14 years agoin reply to this

               Hey you! I sent you an email earlier!..
               
               Crazy week.. I am sure you can imagine! .. and I only have "1" hahaha
               
               Some say it is more difficult ..though I am sure many times NOT!

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                  Justine76posted 14 years agoin reply to this

                  got it will reply soon, prolly monday. thank you
                  I had one, then I had two and cried alot and said..omg one was so easy and I didnt know. then I had three and it wasnt so different...
                  
                  new moon and all, its been crazy all over. 

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                     Paradise7posted 14 years agoin reply to this

                     Justine, what is this???  Yoiu got a lot of bad emails, too????  this is serious...I wondered what happened to some of  my favorite writers...

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                        Justine76posted 14 years agoin reply to this

                        I have three kids.    no emails at all. I wouldn't worry, invictus is well able to handle to this.
                        If I ever need to leave, it will be for purely personal reasons, and I will be back.

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                  Paradise7posted 14 years agoin reply to this

                  What's the Mad Stalker sending you, INVICTUS?

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                     Paradise7posted 14 years agoin reply to this

                     RrEPORT IT, PLEASE REPORT IT, WHAT CAN WE DO???  YOU'RE THE POET OF A LIFETIME, THIS IS SERIOUS, THIS IS BAD...IF IT DRIVES YOU OFF HUBPAGES...

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                        Justine76posted 14 years agoin reply to this

                        dont panic. Im sure it will be all worked out. 

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                           Paradise7posted 14 years agoin reply to this

                           Tell me what's happening, Justine!

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                              Justine76posted 14 years agoin reply to this

                              I dont really know for sure. I read alot of other's hubs, and sometimes there are ..odd... comments. I read a heck of alot more then I comment.

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            Paradise7posted 14 years agoin reply to this

            IVICTUS!!    Mad Stalker!!!! Holy Smoke!  I ha d a weird thing after I published a hub about Ganymede, a moon onf Jupiter, and the accompanying legend...the person or people sent me very uhh...Extra-Christ-emails, and t was the legend they were upset about...

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               I*n*v*i*c*t*u*sposted 14 years agoin reply to this

               No worries, Paradise! A crew is on it and I sent you an email of where to comment on my future hubs. Between, parenting, starting a business, and all the get up, have been a bit distratcted    Though he/ it reads all and follows me..
               
               an example
               http://hubpages.com/hub/All-That-I-Am#comment-2730562
               the above is not my hub just read his follow.. it you see his hubtivity he only comes to make nasty comments to me.. IHe made a hub imagining how I am as a person and and my son being raped by his father...
               He so does not realize the penalties or care... says he is a lifer in prison due back soon..
               
               GO FIGURE.. I HAVE ASKED HP headquarters to ban his IP address, yet working with authorities in his location of Georgetown , Texas is a better route so far!
               He has been around for about 10 months... he tried persuing a relationship, yet when I did not concur, he became NASTY!
               
               Thank God, I went to University for Law! LOLzzzzzzz

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                  Paradise7posted 14 years agoin reply to this

                  Almighty!!!    There is never any reason to harrass a POET!!!    Someone I could never be, only appreciate....that way with words..., that conveys so much feeling...

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                     I*n*v*i*c*t*u*sposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                     Oh, the hub headquaters was kind enough to delete his hub attacking what this person thinks I am an my son being assulted by his father... *want to make that clear*
                     
                     I understand this hub team has MANY icky people they may need to contend with witching around and having TANTRUMS

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   Jen's Solitudeposted 14 years ago

   Paradise as someone who totally rates your writing as top notch and looks forward to every episode, I would rather you take time for you right now. I think the suggestion to write but not publish is excellent. You'll get to examine those deepest feelings put them in their right place and if you decide you want to, share them later on. It takes courage to face your past, be true to yourself and you will write with the freedom you crave. It is hard to do that if you are thinking about others reading your thoughts before you are ready to make them public.
   
   It is ok to press pause and write just for you right now. Just know when and if you are ready to move forward with your story, you will have plenty of readers eager to follow along.
   
   ~Just one of your many fans,
   Dar

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      Paradise7posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Glly Gee, it's so great to see Jen on the forums!!!!   I love your writing so much, Jen, I feel for your every minute I think you are so brave and handsome, your lifeis so special to me...I can't even tell you how much I think you're brave... If anyone is listening, if anyone hears, please go to Jen's hubs...they are lovely, from one really remarkable soul, that I wouldn't have known about were it not for Hub Pages....

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   awareposted 14 years ago

   name your character lets say bob . instead of    being you per say .

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      Paradise7posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Wait a minute, what/????

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   Rafiniposted 14 years ago

   So, you're writing your autobiography but a little intimidated by your life story to continue?  I can relate.
   
   2 of my first hubs were extremely personal and I can't believe I put myself out there for ridicule.  I was positive I would be laughed at and definitely not accepted on HP, especially in the forums, after publishing my 'life' story.  But, traumatic as it was for me, I did it anyway.  Because it's a story I want to write into a book and have published.
   
   I guess what I'm saying is, acknowledge your reason for writing it and then do it.
   
   (remember, though, to look at it objectively when people leave comments)

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      Paradise7posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Sure thing, Rafini, I understand...

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         Rafiniposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Ha!  I guess I should have stated the fact that I haven't been laughed at, ridiculed or felt unaccepted.
         
         It'll be okay.  Promise.  The demons are inside of you and you need to release them -- you'll feel better after you do.

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            Paradise7posted 14 years agoin reply to this

            Thank you, Rafini, I needed that...

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               Rafiniposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                 yw

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   KCC Big Countryposted 14 years ago

   You're welcome.  Take your time with it....when it flows, let it flow.

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      Paradise7posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      KCC, you write something every day..... You're one of the HubPages special people, you must write when you don't feel like it, it helps me to hear from you...

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   Falsor Wingposted 14 years ago

   Once you get into it you'll probably forget about all us people and how we'll judge you. once your focused on the telling your story you shouldn't have troubles with the second guessing etc that gives rise to your fear. I think.

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      Paradise7posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I judge myself, and I find myself wanting...

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         Falsor Wingposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Thats the second guessing. don't think about what your writing says about you, think about what your trying to say. if you later decide it shouldnt be said just dont publish it, but I doubt that will happen.
         
         also watch a knights tale heath ledger hates it when he's been found wanting.

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            Paradise7posted 14 years agoin reply to this

            Maybe we all judge oursleves, and find ourselves wanting.l..I never thought of it quite like that...

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   Rochelle Frankposted 14 years ago

   None of us are objective enough to judge ourselves.

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      Paradise7posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Oh my, you're a wise person!!!!

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         Rochelle Frankposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Maybe you skipped my first response-- but you can see from all of the positive messages you have here, your postings are connecting with people.
         
         http://hubpages.com/forum/topic/41153?page=3#post955654
         
         Sit down, breathe... etc. Wait for the right time .

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    Miss Takeposted 14 years ago

    i get so lost in my work, i actually think like a cuddly teddy now..... maybe it is time to change my avatar.

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       Paradise7posted 14 years agoin reply to this

       I've got to find you ...join the hubtribe and keep things going...

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    seasoningposted 14 years ago

    i like this thread, it is hard to lose yourself in your writing,, i have lots of problems with it....

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    Falsor Wingposted 14 years ago

    Being able to lose myself in my writing is like my consolation prize for raging ADHD. I didn't think of that when I first answered this thread. I feel special now (and not short bus special for once)
    
    paradise I think the fact that you made this thread proves you want to write this piece, now its just a matter of overcoming your self doubts. I suggest playing Europes "The Final Countdown" and then doing some freewriting until you've calmed down enough to bring up the heavy stuff.
    
    PS I think womens pump up music may differ from what I think of as the get pumped up music. I'm not sure though itd be pretty cool to find out chicks dig jock jams.

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       Paradise7posted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Will do, my friend...

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       Rafiniposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Everyone is unique in their own special way.
       
                                          OR
       
       Everyone is special in their own unique way.

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    ladyjane1posted 14 years ago

    I have never thought of myself as a writer and joined hubpages to express myself a little and to see if I would be successful at it. All my friends and family tell me that I am a good writer and I am so critical of my work I always feel like there are going to be hecklers on my comments but so far everyone has been very nice except for one person who was just disagreeing with what I said about the elderly. But I always cringe until I get that first comment on my hubs.

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       Falsor Wingposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       I'd honestly be extremely surprised if you received negative comments that are serious.

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       Paradise7posted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Don't  cringe, friend, with a 92, YOU are a wirter!!!!

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          ladyjane1posted 14 years agoin reply to this

          Thank you paradise

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    Miss Takeposted 14 years ago

    well tantrums can be necessary INVICTUS....... you should know that,,,,,, had a tantrum myself once.

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       Paradise7posted 14 years agoin reply to this

       what's this???

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          Miss Takeposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          just replyinjg to invictus comment. it is kinda private joke.

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    Miss Takeposted 14 years ago

    falsor wing you are a writer, and yes there can be negativity on here believe me...

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       Paradise7posted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Falso0r wing, either, you're so right!!!

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    Internetwriter62posted 14 years ago

    Writing an autobiography is not easy and takes a lot of introspection, and yes it is hard to write more sometimes, without fearing the consequences of self disclosure. It is also a freeing process, when you can write details about your life with confidence and realize that this is your special story. So tell it with confidence, the only one who can truly judge the events in your life is you, the writer. So keep writing, now if you feel uncomfortable, ask yourself why. Is it because you fear what others might think, or is it because you aren't ready to disclose that part of your story yet.
    I wish you well on your autobiography.

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       ladyjane1posted 14 years agoin reply to this

       thats very good advice internetwriter

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          Internetwriter62posted 14 years agoin reply to this

          Thank you  ladyjane

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       Paradise7posted 14 years agoin reply to this

       I don't want to hurt my sister or my ex husbandd the two people I truly only love, but in order  to be truthful I have to admtit niether of them love me in reutrn, or ever willl...I have to, in order to be truthful, to admit, I am, at the  last, unlovable....

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          Internetwriter62posted 14 years agoin reply to this

          Stop being so hard on yourself, I am sure you are a very lovable person. Just because significant people in your life had not responded to you as you deserved, that should not be a reflection on how lovable you are, as a person. I imagine you must  feel really hurt by these people, but you need to move on and find others that will discover the wonderful person you are and love you in return.

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    cosetteposted 14 years ago

    
    
    you're awesome. and a fantastic writer.
    
    you have a lot to say, i can tell.
    
    you have inspired me to revisit my story and get to typing on it. thanks! i will most likely not be around if i do undertake that but...i think it's time.
    
    so say after me: I AM AN AMAZING WRITER
    
    because you are. and i only say that about a few people on here.
    
    well gotta go...

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       Paradise7posted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Thank yoou...

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          K Partinposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          Go for it!!

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             Paradise7posted 14 years agoin reply to this

             Bless you, maybe I will...

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                K Partinposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                hope so!

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       Internetwriter62posted 14 years agoin reply to this

       You are not only an amazing writer, but a very caring and lovable person, so go for.

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          Paradise7posted 14 years agoin reply to this

          thank you...tough, though...

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    Paradise7posted 14 years ago

    The thing is, I love them anyway, I know they don't love me and I'm not worth it...
    
    And it's so hard to descibe why I love them both, so much, all ways, interminably, forevermore, even though I know what's in them that can't love me...
    
    What qualities they have, how valiant, valour, how worth loving, they have, and they don't love me, though my faithful heart can't release them from my love...

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       Stevennix2001posted 14 years agoin reply to this

       why do you say your not worth loving?  everyone is worth being loved.  so why would you ever say that about yourself?  you should never say stuff like that about yourself because over time you start to believe it.

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          Paradise7posted 14 years agoin reply to this

          Oh, but it's true..

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             Stevennix2001posted 14 years agoin reply to this

             no, it's not. look you seem like a great person and your a great writer.  although i haven't gotten a chance to comment on some of your work due to my employment search taking up most of my time, from what i've seen you're very good though.  besides, who else would have a big enough heart to love two people they felt didn't love them back? not everyone would be willing to do that, but you did.  therefore, that alone shows you have a huge heart.  therefore, you shouldn't be too hard on yourself like that.  trust me.  if your unlovable paradise7, then i'm the next adolf hitler then okay.  lol.

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                Stevennix2001posted 14 years agoin reply to this

                trust me paradise7 your huge heart alone makes you loveable, and if they can't see that then it's their loss.  besides, like i said earlier, if your unlovable, then i'm worse then freaking adolf hitler and osama bin laden combined.

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             Internetwriter62posted 14 years agoin reply to this

             I know you say this because you are very hurt, from their rejection. Not because you are not worth loving. Time does heal our wounds. When you have finally come to a point where you can move on and you find other special people that love you in return and you will find those people, because you have so much love to give, you will feel totally different about yourself.

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    ralwusposted 14 years ago

    I spilled my guts out too, and it was very hard. It set me back emotionally for weeks, but I feel great about it now and it was cleansing in some way. I blame it all on my prodding wife, bless her. Just take your time.

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    Falsor Wingposted 14 years ago

    I think this thread is the most productive worthwhile thing I've done or been involved with all day. Emerson and Thoreau are posthumously proud of you para, all of us really but especially para.
    
    To me autobiography seems like it would be more difficult by magnitudes than novels, for the reasons discussed here and more. I'm pulling for you.

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    H.C Porterposted 14 years ago

    Okay my dear paradise, although this thread has been inactive for about 5 hours-i wanted to come back and make sure you are al right. I just read the entire thread from my mobile phone at 2am and had to say one last thing (I will attempt not to write a novel) in Reference to the comment-'unlovable', I sincerely pray you find that to be void of any truth or substance because it is so very far from any truth.
    I do however understand the feelings you have within that word-being someone who has not only believed that of herself, but been told that (and told-impossible as well as difficult to love) by others. But after 15 years of struggles, I know that it isn't true because I, within my soul & heart have love to give-
    You are a beautiful person-with a great capacity to love, show support, give encouragement, understanding & many times lend a smile to another. I say this, because every time you have ever read & commented on any one of my hubs-that is what you do for me. Within such a beautiful giving heart-is someone well worth the effort to love & appreciate for whom they are.
    Your life and struggles have not broken you-you have gained strength and the ability to survive- although living through certain situations was hard enough the first time- to come out still breathing. Reliving it over again can seem even more frightening because you already know what you are in for.
    It took me 10years to relive my rape (still have a hard time even using that word) in order to commit words to paper. Ralwus is correct-my emotions were left raw and hurting in doing so-but I needed to do it for myself, as a way to let go of something I locked up within so no one would know that weakness which I viewed as an embarrassment & displayed my shame as part of my tattered, brittle existence will not lie & tell you I am 100% okay for doing so-but I am more okay with what I have experienced in my life to get me here now, than I was before I wrote about that part of my life.
    You will find the words through your pain and tears when you are ready. When you do- I hope you realize that you have my LOVE & support-the same which you have so graciously offered to me through your comments & encouraging insights
    Big hugs to you paradise xx

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       Internetwriter62posted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Hi HC Portor
       Your post, is one of the most beautiful and encouraging messages I have ever read in a forum. I am sure Paradise7 can feel the love and concern that has been shown here by you and other members of this forum. It must have taken a lot for you to disclose to us such a painful time in your life, I am glad to hear that you are doing better. Time is a great healer, I am certain that Paradise7 will come to realize what lovely and beautiful person she is. It is nice to know that we have a community that knows how to support other writers, when having to deal with painful issues.

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          H.C Porterposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          Thank you- I just think that many people have a hard time looking at themselves to see who they are and all that they are worth. This community has made me realize many things about myself-and believe in myself and what I am capable of achieving. I see something in paradise that she may not in herself just yet- and I figured that the best way to show her what she deserves, is to tell her what her heart has shown & given to me. Last night there was another forum about courage-and hub pages has allowed me to realize I do possess some-and part of it is using what I have experienced to hopefully show someone some encouragement and support to survive their experiences-and eventually grow from them.
          
          (Although I am a bit concerned I am sounding a bit like a self help manual, lol)

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             Internetwriter62posted 14 years agoin reply to this

             H.C. Porter, You did not sound like a self help manual. You come across as a caring human being, who wants nothing more than for Paradise7 to feel better about herself and to realize that the hurt she feels now, will heal with time.
             
             Paradise7 I understand that when significant people in our lives don't respond to our love, we tend to blame ourselves and feel we are not worthy of love. We can't let that define us, no matter how important those people are to us. Yes, still love them and care for them, because that shows what an unselfish and caring person you really are. Also, realize that you to deserve to be loved, and step by step you will see that more and more.
             
             As to your autobiography write what feels best to you. If you want, you can write about that experience and not publish it, just do it for yourself, to help yourself heal. That is if you feel comfortable. If not give it time, and you will come to terms with all of this.

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             Justine76posted 14 years agoin reply to this

             a self help manual? in that hat? now way, far too hot for any such stuffy kind of thing...   
             
             but I do have to agree with all youve said in this thread. Self esteem is aticky thing, and hubpages has really done wonders for mine. Silly as that may sound, its true. AND Paradise has made so many wonderful comments on very painful hubs of mine, I do hope she can see her way around to seeing what we see.

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    Deborah Sextonposted 14 years ago

    HC Porter..I posted 3 pieces of my art..I know you said you wanted to see my work.

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    Mike Lickteigposted 14 years ago

    This forum is HubPages at its absolute best.  The people that have poured out their heart in support of Paradise are truly wonderful folks (especially HC--your response to Paradise's concerns touched my heart). 
    
    And, Paradise, you are terrific and so deserving of the support you are getting here.  I have written a 550 page autobiography, but I don't know if anyone will ever see it.  Occasionally some of it leaks out in hubs.  I can't even express the pain that prompted me to write it, but write it I did. 
    
    I hope you go where your heart leads you, and that you take full advantage of the love and support offered by the many friends you have made here with your charm and grace and wit.
    
    Here's to you!
    
    Mike

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    myownworldposted 14 years ago

    I agree with Mike...it's such a beautiful thread in every way...and just makes me realize the power of the written word - THAT  in itself is inspiration enough for any writer to go on writing.
    
    Yes, Paradise.... go ahead...pen those feeling down.... words driven by some deep passion within are sometimes the most beautiful ones and there is nothing more liberating than being able to voice them! And I truly hope you will find the courage to do so..
    Sending much love and inspiration your way...

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